Content Warning: Mentions of Neglectful Childhood, Emotional and Physical Abuse, and Drug Overdoses
It's nerve-wracking to meet someone's parents for the first time, but people perceiving their parents-in-law as something other than just people can be disastrous.
One woman on the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit got so comfortable with her family-in-law that she turned every family gathering into a group therapy session, comparing how loving their family was compared to the abusive environment she was raised in.
Redditor Mental-Heron2079 couldn't help but look on and question what it was that his brother saw in this woman, since she managed to take every fun occasion and not only make it about herself, but also change the vibe from something fun to something they might need a therapy session for just to unpack all that they had heard.
When it reached a point that the family collectively dreaded seeing their future in-law, the Original Poster (OP) stepped in to play "the bad guy" on behalf of his family and asked that she either calm down on the negative talk from now on or stop participating in family gatherings totally.
When this did not go over well, he asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for asking my brother to tell his girlfriend to stop trauma-dumping during our family get-togethers?"
The OP and his brother were raised by a very loving and supportive family.
"My (42 Male) brother (40 Male) started dating Emmy (35 Female) two years ago. It's his first committed, long-term, serious relationship. They bought a house together this year, and she's dropping massive marriage hints lately."
"My brother and I are not close, but we're on good terms and are both very close to our parents. We were lucky to be born and raised in a caring, loving, supportive family."
"We're there for dinner every single Sunday and often drop by during the week for lunch, dinner, or just a cup of tea and a chat."
The OP's family did not particularly like the brother's girlfriend, Emmy.
"To be completely transparent, the rest of us don't like Emmy. She is loud, opinionated, argumentative, and her values are the antithesis of ours (the latest including MAGA), but she means so much to my brother that we go out of our way to be friendly and welcoming."
"Early on, there was an unspoken truce reached to avoid talking about some politically sensitive topics. (Well, it was not really unspoken, as my brother had to tell her to cut it out, trying to argue with us, if she wanted to be welcomed into the family.)"
"But another thing about Emmy and the reason why we're trying so hard to make her feel welcome in our family is that she had an absolute s**tty upbringing."
"We're talking addicts for parents, mental and physical abuse, neglect, living in and out of foster care, etc. She never had a chance in life."
But the family had reached the point of exhaustion when it came to Emmy sharing stories about her life.
"The problem is, Emmy got in the habit of just trauma-dumping everything about her horrible childhood on us at every single occasion. And while we're very empathetic... it kind of ruins the mood every single time."
"Each time, she just casually shares one of her stories, and it just ends up in a weird, awkward silence."
"For example, last weekend, my girlfriend was telling a story about her (normal, boring) childhood. Her father had brought home a big tub of cake frosting, and it was funny, because they ate so much frosting, her little brother literally got sick from it, so her family didn't do frosting on cake for years."
"Then Emmy jumped in and told a story about her stepfather who would physically beat her if she didn't eat all her plate, even force-feeding her until she got sick, and then she would get deprived of food for days because she 'wasted' food by vomiting it up."
"Another time, my parents apologized to me that my Christmas gift was not at their house yet, because it got lost in transit, and the replacement would be delivered the following week. She waved that off and told the story of how her biological father overdosed in her bedroom on her birthday, and ruined her birthday because it was the first time she met her biological father, and meeting him was supposed to be her birthday gift."
"One time, I was just telling a story about a bad camping trip where our tent leaked and it rained the entire time, and she chimed in about how her childhood house didn't have electricity or running water and was overrun with bug infestations instead."
The OP spoke to his brother about Emmy's oversharing when the family couldn't put up with it anymore.
"My girlfriend has told me she goes out of her way to avoid being left alone with Emmy, because it's just non-stop horror stories, and she just can't listen to it anymore."
"Last weekend, after prior discussion with my parents (who already tried to talk to my brother about this one time before and even offered to pay for therapy for Emmy), I agreed to play the bad guy."
"I took my brother aside before dinner and told him he needs to talk with Emmy about her trauma-dumping, because we're fed up with it."
"I pointed out that our family get-togethers are not therapy sessions, and if she doesn't stop, she won't be invited anymore."
"My brother got offended and said we're heartless and cold. He said that Emmy doesn't have anyone else, and we can't just pretend her bad things never happened to her, etc."
"But I guess he told her what we talked about, because today is Absolute Drama Day in the family group chat, courtesy of Emmy burning through what little goodwill she had left."
"Nobody has replied, and nobody intends on replying, either, but now my parents have told my brother that Emmy will have to apologize to be welcomed in their house again after the terrible things she said in the group chat."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he'd played the part of the "bad guy" on behalf of his family, and he wasn't even that bad.
"Like you said, you played the bad guy. Someone had to do it, since you all feel the same way. NTA." - Life_Temperature2506
"I wouldn't even call OP a bad guy for putting up boundaries. It's not his family's job to listen to Emily's trauma; that's for the therapist. She really should get one, or she'll end up driving people away from her. Your brother is only making it worse." - IceSeeker
"NTA. You guys can’t be Emmy’s only support system, and she needs to understand that there is a time and a place for trauma dumping… and it’s in a therapist’s office."
"However, you and your parents need to be okay with the fact that if this is the hill you choose to die on, your brother might stop coming around when his partner is denied access to the family events." - ForgetfulNarwhal90
"Why does she need mental health professionals when she can clearly just trauma dump at every family gathering? (sarcastic comment)"
"Legit though, it makes her feel better by making everyone else feel worse. Secondhand trauma exists, and it might cause listeners' stress levels to spike, and might be emotionally overloaded. This can have real psychological consequences on those who are forced to listen and possibly relive their own trauma."
"Stronger boundaries are needed for her and, more importantly, the brother. They both need to understand there is a time and place for this. But it sounds like they are selfish individuals or do not understand or care enough about those around them." - OldKing7199
"You ARE NOT the bad guy. Family can’t help family when a person needs therapy."
"Tell her and your brother when she brings something up, 'We are not qualified to help.' Then change the subject."
"Also, have a list of people in her area for trauma. Then you can hand her a list, and you could also get her books that may help her with her trauma, like Boundaries, Co-Dependent No More, and others on verbal or physical abuse or addiction, if they apply."
"Tell your brother, he is not helping her, but he is enabling a dependent relationship and becoming a crutch when he should really help her, help herself. Tell him if he really loved her, he would get her help."
"There may come a time when she can’t come over anymore, until she takes the next step and gets help." - Feeling_Fab_U_Luss
Others said that Emmy needed professional help from a therapist, not her family.
"NTA. She needs to seek professional help."
"When I was in my early 20s, going through a really hard time in life (my father was diagnosed as terminal with not much time left, amongst other things), I would constantly trauma dump on a friend of mine."
"I didn’t realize how bad I had gotten until one day he said, 'I’m your friend and I care about you, but I’m not your therapist.'"
"That hit me harder than expected, but he was right. It led me to seek professional help, despite hating the idea of therapy."
"It needs to be made clear that y’all care about her, but you are not her therapist, and it’s not fair for her to constantly put that burden on your family." - Murky_Tale_1603
"Emmy needs a therapist, and if she tries to tell you she doesn't like the idea of therapy or doesn't believe in it, tell her that she actually DOES believe in therapy."
"A big part of therapy is: 1. talking with someone about 2. what happened 3. on a relatively regular basis 4. to feel seen and heard 5. so they can deal with the trauma and 6. gain healthy coping skills."
"The only thing she hasn't accomplished is #6. She can say that she doesn't believe in it all she wants, she's just doing it in a way that isn't helping her." - Asleep_Objective5941
"Give her advice from therapists, and when she says, 'But no therapy,' you all say, 'Oh, okay, well, then stop using us as your therapists. These stories are what you tell a therapist, and everything we've told you comes from therapy-driven sources,' until she stops."
"EVERYONE needs to have the same calm, 'Well, stop using us for your therapy with these stories' vibe."
"AND you need to tell your brother that you do not accept her racism by supporting her political choices." - angelacandystore
"If I'm correctly putting together the clues dropped about Emmy, I would strongly recommend that y'all do absolutely whatever is necessary to remain close with your brother."
"The trauma dumping is a thing for sure, but the tantrum when asked to tone it down, and also what you say here about her beliefs on therapy and educated people, are red flags."
"This woman sounds likely to attempt to isolate your brother at the very least, and I'd guess there will also be emotional or psychological abuse at some point if it hasn't already started (which is doubtful)." - two3six0won
After the OP received feedback, he shared an update about his brother.
"Well, my brother just came out of the woods (literally, he was working deep in the forest) and discovered the absolute s**tfest in the family group chat, and he's already called our parents to apologize to them and also texted me."
"Now he's saying that she either apologizes for everything she said, or she's out. He said he will never tolerate anyone going off on his family; she crossed the line that cannot ever be crossed."
"My brother has his flaws, and we aren't that close, but there's one thing he'll never tolerate, and that is disrespect towards his family, especially his parents."
"Unless she apologizes to every single one of us for everything she said during her tantrum in our group chat, she's not welcome in my parents' home anymore, either, and she doesn't seem like the type of person to apologize, for my brother or for the family."
"So it seems the problem kind of fixed itself."
"My guess is that I'll be solicited for helping someone move out in the near future."
The subReddit understood that Emmy had lived through some terrible things and needed help talking through it, processing it, and moving on, but she did not need to get that help from the people she hoped to be her family, especially if they were the family she'd always dreamed of having.
Rather, she needed to save the traumatic and problematic stories for a therapist, and she could share the other stories from her life that made her a pleasant, datable person in the OP's brother's eyes, for the family gatherings.
