Sometimes, family is the most toxic part of a person's life.
That is a sad but true reality.
There are a lot of assumptions from family.
And fighting back against those assumptions can cause a lot of drama.
Redditor AntCurrent9409 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AIO: cutting off my family after they come out against my wife after 10 years?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My wife is having a 40th birthday party, and we have a limited amount of space, so we started by inviting close family and their partners."
"Made clear in the invites that it was tight for space, so could people confirm if they were coming."
"My sister split up with her partner (who was down to attend), so when he was removed, we invited another family member who wasn't initially on the list."
"My sister, without checking, adds a person that no one knows - a new friend."
"So my wife drops her a polite message to say sorry, but we've tried to keep the list to family and their partners, and this friend couldn't come."
"My mum, sister, and other sister all declined the invite to the party."
"I go over to my mum's house, and she basically goes on an aggressive rant about my wife, how we parent, etc., and how she hasn't liked either of these things for 10 years."
"Says my wife is controlling and manipulative."
"Basically puts me in a position to choose a side."
"So I've now walked away from them."
"You can't just blow up like that about me and my wife and me and think it's going to be ok."
"But I have doubts - maybe I have overreacted?"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"N[ot] O[ver] R[eacting]. Your wife is your family."
"Blood ties don't make family."
"Relationships make a family."
"Their profound disrespect for your wife is more than enough reason to walk away." ~ enamoured_artichoke
"Exactly this."
"Your wife and kids are your family. "
"If your extended family can't accept this, then they can go."
"You have very limited space and don't need or want some random person you're likely never to meet again, at your special occasion."
"Your mom and sisters are the ones being controlling here." ~ Lisa_Knows_Best
"NOR. Ten years of biting their tongue finally slipped because a plus-one got told no."
"That wasn't about the guest list; that was resentment looking for an excuse."
"Your wife set a normal boundary for her own birthday, and your family responded by boycotting and unloading a decade of complaints."
'Thats not love, that's control."
"You didn't choose sides; they forced one, and you backed the person who actually shows up for you every day." ~ aquintra
"NOR. Even if it wasn't about family, which it is, but let's pretend it's not."
"OP's mom has been judging and hating every decision OP has made for years."
"If you actually think it's an abusive relationship, how was there not one single 'hey, I'm concerned' conversation?"
"Instead, mom has been sitting there being at best unhelpful and at worst downright resentful and never tried addressing it like an adult."
"I couldn't ever look at my family the same way."
"Knowing they thought I was ruining not only my life but my children's lives and never tried to talk to me about it?"
"Sat there building resentment and hate at someone I love, and never tried to handle it in a mature way?"
"Nope. I'm out."
"That's disrespecting my partner, me, and every choice I've made in the last x many years."
"I don't know how well we could rebuild after that." ~ Witch-of-the-sea
"You gave them the rules."
"They ignored them."
"Thats on them, not you or your wife."
"If they don't like it, they only have themselves to blame."
"We want no contract with my wife's family for over a year until they apologize." ~ LincolnshireSausage
"You're a high-quality partner and a stand-up guy."
"A small bit of complaining about your daughter-in-law is normal, but what your mom said was reprehensible, and implying that you should take your mom's side on this is unforgivable."
"NOR and keep up the good work!" ~ Coquitlam444
"So sister invited a stranger to your wife's party at your home."
"I was raised to believe that if I am a guest, I bring something small and a smile, not my own uninvited guests."
"When told she can't bring an uninvited guest to your home, your sister threw a fit."
"I was raised to be gracious and apologize when I make a mistake."
"Sister then gossiped about the situation to your mom and your other sister."
"I was raised that gossip is unseemly."
"Mom then throws a fit and says she won't come, and doubles down by criticizing your wife (and by extension, your) parenting?"
"Thank goodness!!!"
"If you raised your kids the way your mother raised your sisters, they would be obnoxious, rude, and entitled!!" ~ Lopsided-Beach-1831
"NOR- thank you for standing by your wife."
"Your Mum has disrespected the mother of your children and your wife over a dinner party invite."
"From this, it doesn't sound like your wife has done anything wrong at all, and this blow-up was completely unwarranted."
"You could work through this with them at a later date if you wanted to, but it sounds like you would need to put some hefty boundaries in." ~ Current-Special-1756
"Your wife is your number one priority."
"You must have each other's backs over family and friends."
"You did the right thing."
"You had your wife back."
"Mother was rude and disrespectful to you and your wife."
"She said some hurtful things she can't take back or undo."
"It will never be the same with you and your mother."
"You will always see her in a different light now."
"Best to go no contact with all of them."
"They will have a lot of work to do to get back and have any contact with you and your wife again."
"Mother made a huge mistake."
"So did your sisters."
"I am sure they all ganged up for a talk and got your mother stirred up."
"Parents need to learn their place and respect their children's choices and know they are not number one anymore." ~ bia834
"NOR. Sounds like it was a clear, reasonable request from your wife on party attendance."
"It was received immaturely, and then the conversation pivoted to ten years of compounded 'drama' that I assume was also handled immaturely since it was not addressed at the time of whatever 'offense' was delivered by your wife."
"Sorry you and your wife have to deal with this level of emotional immaturity from elders who should know better and siblings who should have seen through it." ~ REDDIT
"No, you are not."
"When extended family puts you in a position to pick between them or your life partner, always choose your life partner."
"They are your person, through thick and thin, no matter what. Ideally, you should be best friends."
"Protect that relationship as it is precious." ~ Twenty_6_Red
"Your mum and sisters basically ganged up against your wife to ruin her party."
"Of course you aren't overreacting."
"You are doing exactly what you should be doing by standing with your wife."
"When a couple gets married, the two of them together should be dedicated to each other above all."
"You have done the right thing." ~ Agile_Menu_9776
"You are not overreacting."
"Your family sucks; they seem to think that they have permanent holes in your entire life."
"There's going to be a point when your significant other, you will have lived with them longer than you have anyone in your family, and it pisses them off to no end that you picked somebody else over them."
"Good for you."
"You were growing up."
"You have a healthy, loving relationship, you started your own family, and it's too bad that your family refuses to see it."
"They're being petty and childish, 'Oh my God, I can't bring my flame for the week to a party?'"
"Oh, so the whole family's not gonna go, OK, fine, you're not welcome then anyway, we only want people who are here for us, not for themselves."
"Goodbye."
"Do what's right for you, not what your family wants."
"What's right for you." ~ Far-Ad-9073
"NOR. Your mom is upset because your sister had her feelings hurt. Boohoo."
"Pity party for them."
"Then your mom decides to talk crap not only about your wife, but also about how you parent?"
"Nah, screw that."
"Go have a fabulous time at your wife's birthday party and don't give any of them a second thought." ~ beansprout69
"NOR. Your priority is always the family you create."
"If your wife was this big of a problem in 10 years, they should have been honest about this."
"Not sure what they expected from you, but I don't blame you for reacting this way." ~ mshayes17
"NOR. They are telling you how they really feel."
"It took me going no contact with a family member who similarly told me they never actually liked my wife to realize how toxic they were."
"So much happier now." ~ confinement_beam
"NOR, at least not on your own."
"Everyone here is overreacting to one person attending or not attending a birthday party for a middle-aged grown-up."
"Your sister had no right to invite someone to your wife's party."
"Your family is being ridiculous."
"Your sister is a troublemaker, and she hates your wife, so this was probably a long time coming."
"There's nothing you can do at this point other than to continue supporting your wife."
"You're doing fine." ~ Historical-Effort109
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister and family are out of line.
This is your wife's party and your home.
So it's your rules all the way.
Stand your ground.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp