Sometimes, family is the most toxic part of a person’s life.
That is a sad but true reality.
There are a lot of assumptions from family.
And fighting back against those assumptions can cause a lot of drama.
Redditor AntCurrent9409 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
“AIO: cutting off my family after they come out against my wife after 10 years?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My wife is having a 40th birthday party, and we have a limited amount of space, so we started by inviting close family and their partners.”
“Made clear in the invites that it was tight for space, so could people confirm if they were coming.”
“My sister split up with her partner (who was down to attend), so when he was removed, we invited another family member who wasn’t initially on the list.”
“My sister, without checking, adds a person that no one knows – a new friend.”
“So my wife drops her a polite message to say sorry, but we’ve tried to keep the list to family and their partners, and this friend couldn’t come.”
“My mum, sister, and other sister all declined the invite to the party.”
“I go over to my mum’s house, and she basically goes on an aggressive rant about my wife, how we parent, etc., and how she hasn’t liked either of these things for 10 years.”
“Says my wife is controlling and manipulative.”
“Basically puts me in a position to choose a side.”
“So I’ve now walked away from them.”
“You can’t just blow up like that about me and my wife and me and think it’s going to be ok.”
“But I have doubts – maybe I have overreacted?”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“N[ot] O[ver] R[eacting]. Your wife is your family.”
“Blood ties don’t make family.”
“Relationships make a family.”
“Their profound disrespect for your wife is more than enough reason to walk away.” ~ enamoured_artichoke
“Exactly this.”
“Your wife and kids are your family. “
“If your extended family can’t accept this, then they can go.”
“You have very limited space and don’t need or want some random person you’re likely never to meet again, at your special occasion.”
“Your mom and sisters are the ones being controlling here.” ~ Lisa_Knows_Best
“NOR. Ten years of biting their tongue finally slipped because a plus-one got told no.”
“That wasn’t about the guest list; that was resentment looking for an excuse.”
“Your wife set a normal boundary for her own birthday, and your family responded by boycotting and unloading a decade of complaints.”
‘Thats not love, that’s control.”
“You didn’t choose sides; they forced one, and you backed the person who actually shows up for you every day.” ~ aquintra
“NOR. Even if it wasn’t about family, which it is, but let’s pretend it’s not.”
“OP’s mom has been judging and hating every decision OP has made for years.”
“If you actually think it’s an abusive relationship, how was there not one single ‘hey, I’m concerned’ conversation?”
“Instead, mom has been sitting there being at best unhelpful and at worst downright resentful and never tried addressing it like an adult.”
“I couldn’t ever look at my family the same way.”
“Knowing they thought I was ruining not only my life but my children’s lives and never tried to talk to me about it?”
“Sat there building resentment and hate at someone I love, and never tried to handle it in a mature way?”
“Nope. I’m out.”
“That’s disrespecting my partner, me, and every choice I’ve made in the last x many years.”
“I don’t know how well we could rebuild after that.” ~ Witch-of-the-sea
“You gave them the rules.”
“They ignored them.”
“Thats on them, not you or your wife.”
“If they don’t like it, they only have themselves to blame.”
“We want no contract with my wife’s family for over a year until they apologize.” ~ LincolnshireSausage
“You’re a high-quality partner and a stand-up guy.”
“A small bit of complaining about your daughter-in-law is normal, but what your mom said was reprehensible, and implying that you should take your mom’s side on this is unforgivable.”
“NOR and keep up the good work!” ~ Coquitlam444
“So sister invited a stranger to your wife’s party at your home.”
“I was raised to believe that if I am a guest, I bring something small and a smile, not my own uninvited guests.”
“When told she can’t bring an uninvited guest to your home, your sister threw a fit.”
“I was raised to be gracious and apologize when I make a mistake.”
“Sister then gossiped about the situation to your mom and your other sister.”
“I was raised that gossip is unseemly.”
“Mom then throws a fit and says she won’t come, and doubles down by criticizing your wife (and by extension, your) parenting?”
“Thank goodness!!!”
“If you raised your kids the way your mother raised your sisters, they would be obnoxious, rude, and entitled!!” ~ Lopsided-Beach-1831
“NOR- thank you for standing by your wife.”
“Your Mum has disrespected the mother of your children and your wife over a dinner party invite.”
“From this, it doesn’t sound like your wife has done anything wrong at all, and this blow-up was completely unwarranted.”
“You could work through this with them at a later date if you wanted to, but it sounds like you would need to put some hefty boundaries in.” ~ Current-Special-1756
“Your wife is your number one priority.”
“You must have each other’s backs over family and friends.”
“You did the right thing.”
“You had your wife back.”
“Mother was rude and disrespectful to you and your wife.”
“She said some hurtful things she can’t take back or undo.”
“It will never be the same with you and your mother.”
“You will always see her in a different light now.”
“Best to go no contact with all of them.”
“They will have a lot of work to do to get back and have any contact with you and your wife again.”
“Mother made a huge mistake.”
“So did your sisters.”
“I am sure they all ganged up for a talk and got your mother stirred up.”
“Parents need to learn their place and respect their children’s choices and know they are not number one anymore.” ~ bia834
“NOR. Sounds like it was a clear, reasonable request from your wife on party attendance.”
“It was received immaturely, and then the conversation pivoted to ten years of compounded ‘drama’ that I assume was also handled immaturely since it was not addressed at the time of whatever ‘offense’ was delivered by your wife.”
“Sorry you and your wife have to deal with this level of emotional immaturity from elders who should know better and siblings who should have seen through it.” ~ REDDIT
“No, you are not.”
“When extended family puts you in a position to pick between them or your life partner, always choose your life partner.”
“They are your person, through thick and thin, no matter what. Ideally, you should be best friends.”
“Protect that relationship as it is precious.” ~ Twenty_6_Red
“Your mum and sisters basically ganged up against your wife to ruin her party.”
“Of course you aren’t overreacting.”
“You are doing exactly what you should be doing by standing with your wife.”
“When a couple gets married, the two of them together should be dedicated to each other above all.”
“You have done the right thing.” ~ Agile_Menu_9776
“You are not overreacting.”
“Your family sucks; they seem to think that they have permanent holes in your entire life.”
“There’s going to be a point when your significant other, you will have lived with them longer than you have anyone in your family, and it pisses them off to no end that you picked somebody else over them.”
“Good for you.”
“You were growing up.”
“You have a healthy, loving relationship, you started your own family, and it’s too bad that your family refuses to see it.”
“They’re being petty and childish, ‘Oh my God, I can’t bring my flame for the week to a party?'”
“Oh, so the whole family’s not gonna go, OK, fine, you’re not welcome then anyway, we only want people who are here for us, not for themselves.”
“Goodbye.”
“Do what’s right for you, not what your family wants.”
“What’s right for you.” ~ Far-Ad-9073
“NOR. Your mom is upset because your sister had her feelings hurt. Boohoo.”
“Pity party for them.”
“Then your mom decides to talk crap not only about your wife, but also about how you parent?”
“Nah, screw that.”
“Go have a fabulous time at your wife’s birthday party and don’t give any of them a second thought.” ~ beansprout69
“NOR. Your priority is always the family you create.”
“If your wife was this big of a problem in 10 years, they should have been honest about this.”
“Not sure what they expected from you, but I don’t blame you for reacting this way.” ~ mshayes17
“NOR. They are telling you how they really feel.”
“It took me going no contact with a family member who similarly told me they never actually liked my wife to realize how toxic they were.”
“So much happier now.” ~ confinement_beam
“NOR, at least not on your own.”
“Everyone here is overreacting to one person attending or not attending a birthday party for a middle-aged grown-up.”
“Your sister had no right to invite someone to your wife’s party.”
“Your family is being ridiculous.”
“Your sister is a troublemaker, and she hates your wife, so this was probably a long time coming.”
“There’s nothing you can do at this point other than to continue supporting your wife.”
“You’re doing fine.” ~ Historical-Effort109
Reddit is with you, OP.
Your sister and family are out of line.
This is your wife’s party and your home.
So it’s your rules all the way.
Stand your ground.
Good Luck.