Planning a wedding proposal can stir up anxiety.
Yes, it's a beautiful occasion, love is in the air, and all of that...
But most people who propose want it to be perfect.
Not all planning is perfect, though.
Redditor Terrible-Simple2537 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for not including my fiancé's family in the proposal?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This week I (M[ale] 26) proposed to my amazing G[irl]F[riend] (F[emale] 26) of 3 years."
"These last three years I have spent time with her, and time with her family through family holidays, engagements, and visiting their home weekly."
"One of my girlfriend's initial requests for the proposal was to include her family in some form, given their importance to her."
"3 months back, I visited her home while she was not there and asked for their blessing, which I received and was excited for."
"I brought up proposal ideas, my main one being having her family join mine in secret (even though our families have not met much) to surprise her before I get on my knee and ask the question."
"Her family did give some other recommendations which I did not go with due to wanting to make sure my girlfriend had no idea I was going to propose, and I felt taking her to places we don't normally go, such as a park or beach, would be too obvious."
"I also leaned towards having it at my home due to space, and then they would not have to worry about decorations or preparing, but I let them know if they would prefer to have it at their home, that was okay too."
"At the time, I felt the vibes were great, and I was looking forward to the next months."
"The next time I tried to reach out for a date, I was met with the fact that the holidays are too close, and because of health concerns, we should push it, which I accepted and delayed."
"When January arrived, I reached out again but was met with silence."
"Then, a week later, I proposed dates that I thought could work."
"I was met with a response from her mother stating that the date I suggested would not work because my fiancé's nephew has baseball that Saturday, and the other Saturdays this month won't work."
"She concluded the text saying to 'Go ahead and just do it without us.'"
"I responded, mentioning this is disappointing to me, but I don't want to wait any longer, and I feel my girlfriend and I are both ready to take this next step."
"So I proposed two weeks later."
"I did not include her or my own family during the proposal, and I took her to a lovely spot and proposed."
"The day was special to us both, and we both felt it went great."
"That night, when we went to give the news to her family, we were both met with dismissive responses."
"The next day was worse."
"Come to find out her mom sat down with my now fiancé and explained I did not put any effort into including her family."
"I have not been present in their home and around them during the relationship, and they should have been included in the proposal."
"They have also continued to now insult my character, my fiancé's decisions (what upsets me the most), and they are refusing to speak to me so I can explain or defend myself."
"I also found out that her whole family was free on the Sunday and Monday of the proposal."
"I'd love to hear any advice, questions, or ways you would go about fixing this."
"Things have always been strained between my fiancé and her mom, and I want my fiancé to be celebrated the way she deserves."
"Edit: For context, she lives with her family, and I have shown her the text."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
"Mom sounds manipulative and like she is trying to flip the script because she knows she was the bad guy in this situation." ~ __Fe
"NTA. Sounds like her family wanted to control the proposal, and that's not right."
"You tried multiple times to include them while kindly maintaining some reasonable boundaries."
"You and your fiancée should talk about how you want to handle her family as a team moving forward, and if she is not willing to set boundaries and enforce them, you should not get married." ~ friendlily
"I mean, fix what?"
"Her mom is flat out lying."
"You can show her receipts of how much you communicated with them for the blessing and trying to coordinate a family-oriented proposal."
"How is your fiancée taking this?"
"You're NTA." ~ HortenseDaigle
"NTA, but if your fiancé doesn't have your back, this will be your future." ~ Whole-Flow-8190
"It sounds like she needs therapy and needs to stop having high expectations of her family."
"For whatever reason, she is not a priority to them, and she needs to come to terms with that." ~ beerab
"NTA, tell your fiancée the truth of all you did to try to include them."
"Show her any messages you have." ~ Jerseygirl2468
"NTA. Your soon-to-be in-laws are lying."
"How your fiancé handles this is going to be a defining moment for your marriage."
"If she doesn't believe you 100%, you need to run because her mother will spend the rest of her life f**king with you." ~ onemasterball
"NTA. My advice: think twice before marrying into this chaos."
"They don't seem to be too fond of you, even if they did give their blessing."
"If they didn't and you proposed anyway, they would have for sure looked like the a**holes, so they manipulated into thinking they were on board just to drop the hammer on you and become the victims themselves."
"Remember, you're not just marrying her, you're marrying her family too." ~ Independent_Peak8500
"NTA. Is your fiancé on your side?"
"If not, do you have proof of the messages with her family saying to go ahead without her?"
"Future M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] sounds like she is trying to flip the narrative." ~ Electronic-Fennel-37
"NTA. What self-entitled and manipulative jerks." ~ danejulian
"NTA - it sounds like the Mom was purposely trying to tank her daughter's engagement."
"When that didn't work, she pivoted to blaming you for anything and everything."
"Any idea why her Mom is behaving this way?"
"Tell your fiancée everything and then let her decide how to handle her Mom."
"You both can still send out an announcement of some sort to the rest of the family."
"Congrats 🎉." ~ Confetti-Everywhere
"NTA, but your future MIL and maybe I[n]-L[aw]s are manipulative liars."
"You need to get this sorted out with your fiancé now, not later."
"Don't wait for the wedding, the house, the kids, etc." ~ DrukMeMa
"Sounds like her family doesn't really like you… or at least her mom, who is actively trying to sabotage your relationship."
"Does your gf believe that you tried to involve them?"
"You must have the text messages where they told you to go ahead without them."
"So it kinda depends on how she is reacting."
"If she stands up to her mom and says that she knows that you did try to involve them and she doesn't appreciate her mom lying to her, then you might have a chance."
"Good luck." ~ nancylyn
"I think how you proceed depends on your fiancé's reaction."
"Her family is manipulative AF."
"If she doesn't see that and is now upset with you that they weren't involved, think long and hard about marrying her."
"If she's told them to STFU and get over it and that treating you badly will not be tolerated, rock on."
"If it's somewhere in between, insist on couples counseling before you even think about setting a date or putting down any deposits."
"Her parents either don't like you, are total control freaks, or both."
"They're definitely manipulative, and I'm sure this isn't a one-time thing."
"Unless you want to deal with this for the next 30+ years, this should be a massive red flag." ~ jahubb062
"NTA. You can't fix this."
"Her family is deliberately trying to make your fiancée miserable, to stir up trouble between you two, and to make you bend the knee."
"They don't want to see things fixed: they want you to knuckle under."
"Don't defend or explain yourself: that's just grist for their mill."
"Keep moving forward and don't look back."
"Your finacée absolultely has to be 100% on your side in this."
"If she's not, then you'll be marrying into misery."
"These people will continue to do their best to sabotage your happiness at every turn." ~ ReadMeDrMemory
"NTA. You don't need to defend yourself."
"Show the receipts." ~ BlueyIsAwesome
"You must have texts back and forth with them and possibly dates you called."
"Sounds like her family is playing games regarding you and what really happened."
"For whatever reason, they have changed what they think of you and your relationship with their daughter/sister/niece, etc."
"That's messed up."
"I hope you get it straightened out." ~ still-waters-658
"NTA. A proposal is between you and her."
"If not having her family directly involved is an issue, then you dodge a bullet." ~ Long_Ad_2764
"NTA. You tried to include them, and then, dramatically, it's all about them and how you neglected to share the plans with them?"
"It sounds like your proposal was very sweet and special to both of you (which is what it should be)."
"If your fiancé wants to do a family celebration later, go for it."
"But maybe wait until her parents are willing to apologize for being so impossible." ~ Ok_Cell_8086
Reddit is with you, OP.
Hopefully, your fiancée can see what is going on here.
Don't allow these people to steal the joy.
It's sad that her family is acting this way, but don't let it rain on your well-deserved parade.
Congratulations and Good Luck!
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.