Some people notice right away when they're dating someone who doesn't respect them, and they act on it right away.
Others might not realize the disdain their partner holds for them until they've been married for almost 20 years and have seven children together, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Kenz090_ had been with her husband for the past 17 years and would give birth to their seventh child soon. For Mother's Day, she hoped that her husband would surprise her with something when she saw a hefty charge on their bank account.
But when she discovered that the charge was for a gift for his mother, and he called their upcoming baby enough of a gift, the Original Poster (OP) was so hurt that she wasn't sure she wanted her husband in the delivery room with her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting if I don't include my husband in the delivery room over a Mother's Day argument?"
The OP hoped for a little recognition and comfort this year on Mother's Day.
"My husband (49 Male) and I (36 Female) have been married for 17 years (together at 19 and 32)."
"We're expecting our seventh and last child in October. We also have legal custody of my two-year-old nephew."
"We lost our six-year-old daughter last month due to HLHS (Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome). All I wanted for Mother's Day was some recognition."
She genuinely thought her husband was going to surprise her.
"I noticed a $250 spa charge on our bank account yesterday. I didn't want to ask him about it, because he loves surprising me occasionally. But I figured it was for me just the same."
"Well, it turned out the spa charge was a gift for his mother."
"When I asked him where my gift was, he told me that this pregnancy is my early Mother's Day gift and that I should be grateful that he is giving me a seventh child, despite wanting to be done."
The OP felt her relationship shift.
"Him having the nerve to tell me that offended me to the core, and it caused a huge argument last night."
"We had a silent treatment from Mother's Day Sunday to the following Wednesday, and then we talked things out, and he apologized."
"His words still hurt me seveerely, and I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I want to share the delivery room with him when our last baby comes."
"I'm not sure if that's the hormones making me feel this way and if I'm overreacting."
"I love my husband, but I just wish he had acknowledged on Mother's Day... his pregnant wife."
"AIO?"
After reading the early comments, the OP updated her post to include the following:
"For those asking, no, I didn't 'force him' to create this baby. I was content with our six kids, a seventh was in the air, but I was nervous to try again because our delivery with our youngest was pretty traumatic."
"Plus, I suffered severe postpartum depression with our youngest. She had severe colic and wasn't reaching milestones."
"I hired a midwife and doula at the start of my pregnancy, so it'll work out regardless of my decision to have him in the room or not."
"So this baby wasn't necessarily planned, but I didn't maliciously force him into this, when we both should be held responsible."
"I also would like to add that while he is the breadwinner, and we're in a $1.9M home, I'm not staying with him for his money. I grew up in a broken family. I don't want the same thing for our five girls, son, and nephew."
"I've been really trying to find God in my life and expose my children to religion. Divorce is immoral in my opinion and shouldn't be glamorized."
"I can barely take care of myself due to having debilitating depression from time to time, so I don't see myself being a single parent. Our marriage isn't pitch perfect, but no one's marriage is if we're being technical."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some side-eyed the husband, assuming that he did not really care about the OP at all.
"Let me get this straight: you’re supposed to be grateful for his gift of The Golden Seed? Give me a freakin’ break. What a repulsive attitude he has. NOR." - OhDeer_2024
"She’s been carrying his children for 63 months if my quick math is correct. What a piece of work he is."
"Also, the delivery room isn’t a 'default husband privilege.' It’s a support space. If someone isn’t emotionally safe, they don’t automatically get access, even if they’re the father."
"Not gonna lie, the spa gift card for HIS mom while ignoring her is what really did it for me… That’s a choice, not an accident." - velvetanarchy34
"A 32-year-old man pursuing a 19-year-old girl was never going to be a good guy, and he was never going to have your best interests at heart. He sees you as someone to care for him and to provide him with children, and now that he's getting overwhelmed with the number of kids in your home, he's flipping the script and shaming you for being too good at your 'job.' You always deserved better than this, and now, your kids do, too." - TommyLeesRing
"You both lost your six-year-old child a month ago, and your husband has the energy to buy his mother an expensive spa gift card instead of his wife. I’d say his priorities are screwed." - blanca69
"NOR, what a piece of garbage human being, saying that your pregnancy is his gift."
"If you didn't have kids with him already, I'd say divorce his a**; he doesn't care about you anymore, if he ever did, and as a man, I'm ashamed by this sorry excuse of a man. I really hope and wish for the best for you." - AB83Rules
"Am I reading that right, that this will be your seventh child?"
"There is NO WAY that after seven kids, your husband should be acknowledging his own mom more than he acknowledges you. Bad partner s**t is the same as bad parent s**t; all your kids are seeing his behavior and incorporating it into their worldview in some way. He's being a bad father by being a bad husband."
"And if y'all are Christian like most people with a whole passel of kids are, then he's not living up to the standards he's meant to, and he ought to take a long, hard, look at how whatever the f**k he's doing needs to improve." - MichaellaLayla
Others agreed, pointing out to the OP that the marriage could be broken without ending it on paper.
"'We had a silent treatment from Sunday to Wednesday.' You said that like it’s a common, well-known practice and occurrence."
"That’s not normal. That’s emotional abuse actually."
"Kids growing up in a home where parents don't speak to each other for four entire days is going to do more damage to those kids than having divorced parents. That is craaaaazy."
"Also, I am so sorry you lost your daughter; that in and of itself is enough to break someone. You’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting at all. HUGS." - Potential-Caramel428
"Your kids are already in a broken home. You just don’t see it yet. Their father doesn’t respect their mother. It’s over."
"You have rights if you are married. The doubt and confusion you are feeling is why he got with a 19-year-old when he was 32. He is relying on you to be scared, think you can’t cope without him, and think you can’t do better."
"It’s not true. You are stronger than you know." - HedyHarlowe
"It's better for children to live with divorced but stable parents than to suffer the chronic stress of parents who dislike each other and are angry. Plus, you have rights as a married woman and mother of his children."
"NOR, but please think about your children’s long-term mental health (and your own) before you commit to a lifetime with this man." - Immediate_Divide9446
"I know you're worried about creating a broken home for your children, but your kids could have a broken family if you stay married to him also."
"Sometimes divorce is the healthiest option/answer. (Not saying it necessarily is in your case, but I would have rather had my parents divorce than the hell I experienced growing up. She left right after me and my bro turned 18. Never stay just for the kids.)."
"Alimony, child support, you don't need a two-million-dollar home, etc. He can sell the home and live more modestly. You can get a job, go to school, do anything you dream of. If you wanna stay married to him, that's on you, but I would never let my spouse talk to me or treat me that way. Good luck." - Alarmed_Research9825
"Yeah, I’m sorry, but as much as this situation sucks for OP, I stop having sympathy once I hear that children are involved."
"The 'divorce is immoral' s**t in OP’s edit is p**sing me the f**k off more than the actual situation at hand, because it just shows a lack of care and sympathy for the children whose well-being is at stake over this bulls**t."
"Genuinely OP, PLEASE go see a therapist trained in dealing with this s**t for f**k's sake. HOLY S**T, I'M MAD. Those poor babies."
"I say all of this as someone who is actively working on my spirituality, but I would NEVER, and I mean NEVER, use it as an excuse to drag my children through the mud."
"THAT mindset is part of what drove me away from my faith to begin with. I grew up in a home similar to this, and it took YEARS of therapy and a cocktail of medications to recover. 0/10 WOULD NOT recommend."
"Your false views on religion are NOT worth your children’s emotional turmoil." - lylrabe
As concerned as the OP might be about exposing her children to a broken home, the subReddit was not convinced that they were not already in one. Based on the age gap alone, the relationship was potentially never perfect, and with no resources beyond her husband's support and a seventh child on the way, it seemed that this marriage had not set the OP up for success.
