Family drama can be difficult to navigate, and for one guy on Reddit, his brother’s drama with their mom turned into sibling drama, too.
The Original Poster (OP) was mystified by what went down, so he went to the AITA (Am I The A**hole) subReddit to gain perspective on how he had handled things.
OP, who goes by 77647huhjiyv on the site, asked:
“AITA for telling my brother how I honestly feel about his baby?”
He explained:
“I(18m[ale]) have never had a great relationship with my brother(26m[ale]). We don’t hate each other, but we aren’t close.”
“He’s married, and his wife has recently got pregnant. We had a dinner at my mom’s house to congratulate them.”
“My mom asked them if it was ok if they let her in the delivery room. They said no, and that was the end of it.”
“They left soon after, but I didn’t think anything of it. A week later I found out that his wife felt really disrespected by this.”
“They said they didn’t want any contact with my mom for the rest of the pregnancy. I thought this was ridiculous, but I didn’t say anything.”
“My mom is obviously sad about it, but she hasn’t contacted them since.”
“My brother recently invited me to his baby shower. I told him that he needs to give me a good reason why he is treating our mother like this, or I wouldn’t go.”
“He couldn’t give me a reason, so I didn’t go.”
“Two days ago he asked me to meet and talk with him and his wife. I agreed, so we met up at their house.”
“They explained that his wife felt very disrespected by my mom. She said that my mom had no right asking to be in the delivery room.”
“They also said that I have no right holding that against them.”
“I told them that I don’t care who they have in the delivery room. If they don’t want mom in, then it’s fine with me.”
“I told them that punishing her for asking was just ridiculous.”
“They then asked me if I really wanted to be in the baby’s life. I told that if I had to choose I would choose my mom.”
“A couple of people have told me that I am an a**hole, but I don’t think so.
“AITA?”
Redditors were then asked to judge who was in the wrong in this situation based on the following categories:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH – No A**holes Here
And most seemed to agree OP’s sister-in-law was being ridiculous.
“There is nothing wrong with asking, im not entirely sure what DILS issue is, OPs mum didn’t push the issue when she was told no, she has respected their decisions no matter how ridiculous. NTA”
“I have had 3 children all under 10, so i have been in the position 3 times of my MIL asking to be at the births, all 3 times I’ve said no. Its still not rude of her to ask to be at the birth of her grandchildren, she doesn’t have the right to be there is i say no.” –Different-Peak-8821
“NTA”
“I can understand her being offended (folk can be offended by whatever and that’s on them) but you’re right in that punishing your mom simply for asking is wrong.”
“Like if literally all she did was ask once they’re being ridiculous. Now if mom was pestering them relentlessly about it that would be a different story.” –LuceDreadzzz
“NTA- completely agree!”
“I wish someone would be with me in the delivery room. I don’t have anyone I can ask and I’m terrified to ask friends or really anyone because I don’t want to make them uncomfortable.”
“Your mom is so lovely for asking and even more special for taking their no at face value and respecting it.” –Farrahlikefawcett2
“Nta. There is this weird trend of people weaponzing pregnancy and grand children. If your mom respected their answer and moved on, there is really no problem here. So you supporting your mom is the right thing” –chickentenderlover
“It’s disgusting of people to do this. They are children. Human beings! Not pawns to use for your manipulative tactics.”
“If you feel that you lack so much control in your life that you need to use children as leverage to get that control, you need to get help, not to have a baby.”
“NTA. Brother should be putting a stop to his wife’s disgusting behavior before she starts doing it to him, if she hasn’t already.”
“At minimum he should stand up for his children and make sure they aren’t alienated from their family because his wife acts like she has control issues.”
“If she’s that ‘offended’ she can excuse herself from the visits when her husband and baby visits his family.” –LovenNerdLife
“NTA. Your SIL is a psycho, and your brother is going along with it. It is absolutely fine not to want someone with you for the delivery.”
“Other than the baby daddy, people usually want their own mother or sister, the closest women to them. MILs like to come, and some women are close to their MILs and allow this.”
“Your mom, like most MILs, wants to be there, so she asked. She didn’t assume, she didn’t barge in, she didn’t insist. She asked. The answer was no.”
“Your mom accepted no for an answer, as she should have. Nobody was an AH until your SIL got offended and made up this disrespect thing. Your brother and SIL are AHs.” –MissAnth
“Unless there is left out info I’d say you’re NTA. Your mom asked a question many grandparents ask. It’s not disrespectful.”
“Disrespectful is cutting her out of their life because she asked and accepted the no. And yeah idk what your bro thought was gonna happen with this situation seeing as you didn’t show up for the baby shower because of your mom.”
“Why would you choose their child over your mom?” –Present_History2353
“I suspect there is more to the story than this and they did not go no contact just because mom asked to be in the delivery room. My spidey sense tells me this was the proverbial straw.”
“I’m giving you NTA regardless, because I think it is sweet of you to stand up for your mom, and I think they are being over the top if indeed it truly was just because mom asked to be there.”
“BUT— I’m of the opinion that one does not solicit an invitation into someone else’s delivery room. Not even if it is their child, or their child’s partner, giving birth.”
“You either have to be there because you’re giving birth, or your presence is a foregone conclusion because you are going to be a parent to the child and the person giving birth wants you there, or you are a requested support person by the person giving birth.”
“If you have to ask if you can be there, you are not invited to be there.”
“My opinion only. I still do not think this infraction alone warrants no contact. (Like I said, I suspect this is probably the tip of the iceberg.)” –Dszquphsbnt
“What kind of circular thinking is that? How would she know if she didn’t ask? It would be worse if she just assumed she was welcome and showed up, don’t you think?”
“Instead, she’s actually being polite. She ASKED if she could be there, when most new grandmas would just show up. Even better, when they said no, she did not insist.”
“To top it all off, instead of flipping out, she respected their no contact rule. They couldn’t even come up with a better excuse to tell OP why they cut her off than to say that she asked to be there.” –Cool-Clerk-9835
“My wonder is, OP is 18 and old enough to know if there are more problems in their relationship so when he asked what reasonable reasoning for them to go NC with his mom, they should have told him there’s more to it than just being asked to be in the delivery room.”
“Even if they didn’t want to indulge in it more, they could have just said we’re not comfortable going into detail but there’s more than just the question she asked. OP seemed pretty detached from them to begin with and probably just asked his mom for clarification.”
“I’ve seen plenty of stories where the DIL hates her MIL for no real reason and finds a way to be pissed off for the smallest of things. Now mind you it’s also a vice versa thing I’ve seen as well with an overbearing MIL but from the sounds of it, she’s not like that.”
“The question was innocent enough and MIL was respectful to their boundaries. I agree with another commenter about how when they need a free babysitter, she’ll be the first on their list.” –IceyLizard4
Hopefully OP can work things out with his family members.