Having estranged parents is hard on a kid.
Even when that kid becomes an adult, the wounds can run deep.
When that parent moves on with a new family, that can feel even deeper betrayal.
So what does one do when that parent resurfaces with requests?
Redditor BubblyBottom12 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to meet my father‘s new baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 M[ale]) haven’t spoken to my father in years."
"My parents split up when I was young, and after that, he was mostly absent from my life and my siblings’ lives."
"He would promise to visit and then cancel, forget birthdays, and rarely contribute financially."
"We grew up in Europe with our mother, while he gradually became less involved."
"Eventually, I stopped reaching out, and so did he."
"Recently, I found out he has built a new life in South Africa."
"He remarried about a year ago to a woman who lives there, and they recently had a baby together."
"My father still lives in Europe but visits South Africa about twice a year."
"He has no plans to bring his wife and child here and instead plans to move there when he retires."
"A few weeks after the baby was born, he contacted me and invited me to meet my new half-sibling."
"He said 'life is short,' the baby deserves to know their family, and that this could be a fresh start.
"I told him I wasn’t interested."
"He said I was punishing an innocent child for my issues with him."
"The way I see it, he’s asking me to act like family now that he has started a new family, after barely acting like a father to me."
"He has never really acknowledged the emotional or financial impact his absence had on my sibling and me, nor has he apologized for it."
"I don’t blame the baby, and I don’t hate them."
"I just don’t feel obligated to build a relationship with a child I’ve never met simply because we share DNA."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Sorry you have such a terrible dad, OP."
"He sounds like a piece of work."
"Don’t waste your time or energy."
"He doesn’t know the first thing about being a father, so don’t feel obligated to do anything for him."
"He’s gotta show up not only to you but to his other family too if he wants to actually see a change." ~ Gloomy_Aspect_910
"NTA, big chance the baby doesn't want to know your father or his family after it grows up either."
"He is not even a full-time dad, only twice a year." ~ Midiusa
"He's planning to move there after he retires, so in his mind, he's dad of the year based on intent. NTA op."
"This is a disaster waiting to happen. "
"You don't want to be part of it." ~ SuperReddfan
"NTA... he hasn't even built a new life if he only visits twice a year."
"He's just up to his old habits." ~ RoyallyOakie
"He’s manipulating you by an innocent child to make a jail-free card to himself, like he’s magically forgiven by the children he neglected by doing the same to some other poor woman that he’s neglecting now, and this innocent child too. NTA." ~ No-Force-9732
"REAL! I was reading, and I'm like, um, so what do you mean you have a 'new life in South Africa' but still live in Europe???"
"And are only going over once you've retired, despite having a CHILD there??!!!!!"
"NTA, please say no, or better, go meet them without your father present, if you can." ~ Rude_Particular_236
"That's the part that stands out the most."
"Calling it a 'new life' while living on another continent for years doesn't exactly scream commitment."
"The child deserved consistency long before retirement entered the conversation." ~ LegitimateReply4410
NTA. Your father seems to just drift through life without taking responsibility for anything."
"You are not punishing an innocent child due to issues with your father."
"You are not getting involved with a family that is likely to be abandoned just like you were."
"Your father cannot abandon you, then complain about your lack of trust and how you turned out." ~ Gnarly_314
"NTA. He ruined your relationship."
"He can’t expect you to just bury that to have contact with a random baby."
"And it is a random baby, as he isn’t really in your life, from what I read." ~ DogsReadingBooks
"NTA. You’re not ‘punishing a baby,’ what a ridiculous thing to say."
"How is it going there, all the way to South Africa, building any relationship?"
"It’s not, just like it isn’t when he does it."
"He hasn’t changed; he’s the last person anyone should take any kind of hassling or guilt tripping regarding relationships from." ~ dart1126
"NTA, he's a massive hypocrite."
"He punished you for his fallout with your mother."
"And this baby will not suffer without you."
"You're an adult half-sibling."
"Whereas HE was a parent."
"NTA in any way." ~ zombiezmaj
"NTA. Fatherhood isn't a button that you press every now and then when you feel like it."
"It's a commitment, and your father failed in that department."
"You have zero, ZERO obligations to ever have a relationship with your father's child, much less him."
"He screwed up, and now he needs to deal with his own consequences." ~ hashbraune
"NTA. And I would be questioning his motivations for reaching out and offering to connect with the baby."
"Perhaps, it is an attempt to get you involved so later he doesn’t have to bear the sole responsibility of supporting this new child."
"Regardless, meeting the new child could be worth as much to you as your familial connection with your father."
"It is for you to decide whether you want to mend the relationship with him first."
"Without it, meeting this new baby could only bring resentment and other negatives you probably don’t want in your life."
"Important that you realize this, though - it is incredibly selfish of him to disturb your life and emotional state with his statements - as well as manipulative."
"Put your mental health first." ~ Big_Obligation3981
"The sperm donor wants you to relieve him of his guilt via taking care of his offspring (and maybe him as well for the future... gotta plan ahead, right?)."
"That way he continues not to take responsibility because.... Hey, my son's got this! Trust... he KNOWS he's a deadbeat... hence the sparse communication." ~ sable1970
"No, NTA."
"Your position is reasonable. He seems to have had no interest in you through the decades and now expects you to be thrilled he's finally showing up."
"Just be certain this is truly what you want."
"It's not unusual for half-sibs to have little contact or awareness of each other."
"I've seen this even when they only lived a couple of blocks apart."
"It was almost always indifference rather than hostility." ~ JavaNoire
"NTA. You don't owe him anything, least of all humoring his sudden interest in playing happy families."
"And no, nobody is ever the AH for refusing to meet the new partner or children of a parent who has neglected and ignored them for years. I think that should be a blanket ruling." ~ Moose-Live
"NTA. My father did similarly, where he abandoned us full stop, met someone 20 years younger than him, and had four children with her, whom he is very present with and spoils and is an actual father to."
"Your father is the one who owed you a relationship - not the other way around, and that absolutely extends to your half-siblings."
"You didn’t sign up for this new family dynamic."
"It isn’t cruel to a baby at all."
"The child will never know any different." ~ suspiriastation
"NTA. As someone with a sibling I didn't find out about until well after the fact, it's fine to not meet the new baby."
"DNA does not make a family."
"My father wanted the same, for me to meet my 'sibling' and build a relationship."
"Unfortunately for him, I didn't want one with them."
"He pouted, but I stood my ground and haven't regretted the choice for the last 5ish years."
"As an adult, you have the choice of who you invite into your life and who you don't."
"Don't let someone guilt you in because of 'family ties' or whatever."
"If you want to meet the baby, by all means do!"
"But don’t force yourself to build a relationship you might not want or be ready to have just because they share DNA and dad is pushing you." ~ KithriStone
"NTA, this guy hasn't changed, and that's obvious."
"There's nothing to be gained other than more heartache from letting him back into your life."
"If you would like to have a relationship with your half-sibling at some point, go for it, but don't let anything your father factors into it." ~ Remarkable-Intern-41
"NTA! He needs to understand he made his choice all those years ago and thus gets zero entitlement to your time and investment now."
"His gaslighting (weaponising the baby) only further shows you're best off not dealing with him." ~ Crazydre95
"NTA. Protect yourself, peace."
"Don’t let your worthless father do you any more damage."
"Tell him that you no longer see yourself as his child and are completely indifferent to a relationship with him or his new family."
"Be polite but firm. And then go zero contact, it’s the only way." ~ Whitehouses_
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
You are not obligated to appease your father or meet this baby.
It's ok to put yourself first.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp