Having estranged parents is hard on a kid.
Even when that kid becomes an adult, the wounds can run deep.
When that parent moves on with a new family, that can feel even deeper betrayal.
So what does one do when that parent resurfaces with requests?
Redditor BubblyBottom12 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for refusing to meet my father‘s new baby?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (22 M[ale]) haven’t spoken to my father in years."
"My parents split up when I was young, and after that, he was mostly absent from my life and my siblings’ lives."
"He would promise to visit and then cancel, forget birthdays, and rarely contribute financially."
"We grew up in Europe with our mother, while he gradually became less involved."
"Eventually, I stopped reaching out, and so did he."
"Recently, I found out he has built a new life in South Africa."
"He remarried about a year ago to a woman who lives there, and they recently had a baby together."
"My father still lives in Europe but visits South Africa about twice a year."
"He has no plans to bring his wife and child here and instead plans to move there when he retires."
"A few weeks after the baby was born, he contacted me and invited me to meet my new half-sibling."
"He said 'life is short,' the baby deserves to know their family, and that this could be a fresh start.
"I told him I wasn’t interested."
"He said I was punishing an innocent child for my issues with him."
"The way I see it, he’s asking me to act like family now that he has started a new family, after barely acting like a father to me."
"He has never really acknowledged the emotional or financial impact his absence had on my sibling and me, nor has he apologized for it."
"I don’t blame the baby, and I don’t hate them."
"I just don’t feel obligated to build a relationship with a child I’ve never met simply because we share DNA."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA for refusing?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"Sorry you have such a terrible dad, OP."
"He sounds like a piece of work."
"Don’t waste your time or energy."
"He doesn’t know the first thing about being a father, so don’t feel obligated to do anything for him."
"He’s gotta show up not only to you but to his other family too if he wants to actually see a change." ~ Gloomy_Aspect_910
"NTA, big chance the baby doesn't want to know your father or his family after it grows up either."
"He is not even a full-time dad, only twice a year." ~ Midiusa
"He's planning to move there after he retires, so in his mind, he's dad of the year based on intent. NTA op."
"This is a disaster waiting to happen. "
"You don't want to be part of it." ~ SuperReddfan
"NTA... he hasn't even built a new life if he only visits twice a year."
"He's just up to his old habits." ~ RoyallyOakie
"He’s manipulating you by an innocent child to make a jail-free card to himself, like he’s magically forgiven by the children he neglected by doing the same to some other poor woman that he’s neglecting now, and this innocent child too. NTA." ~ No-Force-9732
"REAL! I was reading, and I'm like, um, so what do you mean you have a 'new life in South Africa' but still live in Europe???"
"And are only going over once you've retired, despite having a CHILD there??!!!!!"
"NTA, please say no, or better, go meet them without your father present, if you can." ~ Rude_Particular_236
"That's the part that stands out the most."
"Calling it a 'new life' while living on another continent for years doesn't exactly scream commitment."
"The child deserved consistency long before retirement entered the conversation." ~ LegitimateReply4410
NTA. Your father seems to just drift through life without taking responsibility for anything."
"You are not punishing an innocent child due to issues with your father."
"You are not getting involved with a family that is likely to be abandoned just like you were."
"Your father cannot abandon you, then complain about your lack of trust and how you turned out." ~ Gnarly_314
"NTA. He ruined your relationship."
"He can’t expect you to just bury that to have contact with a random baby."
"And it is a random baby, as he isn’t really in your life, from what I read." ~ DogsReadingBooks
"NTA. You’re not ‘punishing a baby,’ what a ridiculous thing to say."
"How is it going there, all the way to South Africa, building any relationship?"
"It’s not, just like it isn’t when he does it."
"He hasn’t changed; he’s the last person anyone should take any kind of hassling or guilt tripping regarding relationships from." ~ dart1126
"NTA, he's a massive hypocrite."
"He punished you for his fallout with your mother."
"And this baby will not suffer without you."
"You're an adult half-sibling."
"Whereas HE was a parent."
"NTA in any way." ~ zombiezmaj
"NTA. Fatherhood isn't a button that you press every now and then when you feel like it."
"It's a commitment, and your father failed in that department."
"You have zero, ZERO obligations to ever have a relationship with your father's child, much less him."
"He screwed up, and now he needs to deal with his own consequences." ~ hashbraune
"NTA. And I would be questioning his motivations for reaching out and offering to connect with the baby."
"Perhaps, it is an attempt to get you involved so later he doesn’t have to bear the sole responsibility of supporting this new child."
"Regardless, meeting the new child could be worth as much to you as your familial connection with your father."
"It is for you to decide whether you want to mend the relationship with him first."
"Without it, meeting this new baby could only bring resentment and other negatives you probably don’t want in your life."
"Important that you realize this, though - it is incredibly selfish of him to disturb your life and emotional state with his statements - as well as manipulative."
"Put your mental health first." ~ Big_Obligation3981
"The sperm donor wants you to relieve him of his guilt via taking care of his offspring (and maybe him as well for the future... gotta plan ahead, right?)."
"That way he continues not to take responsibility because.... Hey, my son's got this! Trust... he KNOWS he's a deadbeat... hence the sparse communication." ~ sable1970
"No, NTA."
"Your position is reasonable. He seems to have had no interest in you through the decades and now expects you to be thrilled he's finally showing up."
"Just be certain this is truly what you want."
"It's not unusual for half-sibs to have little contact or awareness of each other."
"I've seen this even when they only lived a couple of blocks apart."
"It was almost always indifference rather than hostility." ~ JavaNoire
"NTA. You don't owe him anything, least of all humoring his sudden interest in playing happy families."
"And no, nobody is ever the AH for refusing to meet the new partner or children of a parent who has neglected and ignored them for years. I think that should be a blanket ruling." ~ Moose-Live
"NTA. My father did similarly, where he abandoned us full stop, met someone 20 years younger than him, and had four children with her, whom he is very present with and spoils and is an actual father to."
"Your father is the one who owed you a relationship - not the other way around, and that absolutely extends to your half-siblings."
"You didn’t sign up for this new family dynamic."
"It isn’t cruel to a baby at all."
"The child will never know any different." ~ suspiriastation
"NTA. As someone with a sibling I didn't find out about until well after the fact, it's fine to not meet the new baby."
"DNA does not make a family."
"My father wanted the same, for me to meet my 'sibling' and build a relationship."
"Unfortunately for him, I didn't want one with them."
"He pouted, but I stood my ground and haven't regretted the choice for the last 5ish years."
"As an adult, you have the choice of who you invite into your life and who you don't."
"Don't let someone guilt you in because of 'family ties' or whatever."
"If you want to meet the baby, by all means do!"
"But don’t force yourself to build a relationship you might not want or be ready to have just because they share DNA and dad is pushing you." ~ KithriStone
"NTA, this guy hasn't changed, and that's obvious."
"There's nothing to be gained other than more heartache from letting him back into your life."
"If you would like to have a relationship with your half-sibling at some point, go for it, but don't let anything your father factors into it." ~ Remarkable-Intern-41
"NTA! He needs to understand he made his choice all those years ago and thus gets zero entitlement to your time and investment now."
"His gaslighting (weaponising the baby) only further shows you're best off not dealing with him." ~ Crazydre95
"NTA. Protect yourself, peace."
"Don’t let your worthless father do you any more damage."
"Tell him that you no longer see yourself as his child and are completely indifferent to a relationship with him or his new family."
"Be polite but firm. And then go zero contact, it’s the only way." ~ Whitehouses_
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
You are not obligated to appease your father or meet this baby.
It's ok to put yourself first.
Good Luck.
