There are countless examples across the entertainment industry of two people coming together with children from previous relationships, and all of the people involved come together into a beautiful, new family.
But in real life, it often isn't that simple or beautiful, admitted the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor External-Channel-352 had felt left to the side ever since his father remarried and with the marriage came a stepsister. But when his father willingly sent him from their home when he was a teen, he put all hopes of that family behind him.
When his stepsister later passed away and his father tried to reconcile with the child he had left, the Original Poster (OP) felt no remorse for his estranged family.
He asked the sub:
"AITA for telling my dad that I don't care that his stepdaughter died?"
The OP's life changed for the worse when his dad remarried.
"I'm 28 (Male). My mama died not long after I was born."
"Dad married Tina when I was seven. She had a daughter (also seven) from a previous relationship, named Diana. Me and Diana did not get along."
"Diana was spoiled and to adult me, it was obvious she resented not being the only child anymore. She took it out on me. She would break my toys, steal my stuff, and lie to get me in trouble."
"I would complain to Dad and Tina, but they told me to get over it. If I did the same, I would get punished."
"It only got worse as we got older. I felt abandoned by my dad. I often felt lonely in my house. So I guess you guys can see who the golden child was."
The OP's life changed again when he was sixteen.
"At 16, Diana spread a nasty rumor about me in school and I almost got expelled. Diana got caught lying and got suspended."
"Of course, Dad and Tina blamed me for this. That was the last straw for me."
"I rang my cousin, Shyla, from my mama's side and told her what's been happening. She came over to my house angry at Tina and Dad. She gave them a piece of her mind."
"Dad said if it bothered her so much, then she was welcome to have me. That was a blow to my heart to hear my own dad say that about me."
"So Shyla and I went to pack my stuff. Diana's room was open and she was sitting on her bed smirking at me. We got my stuff and we left. I haven't looked back since."
When his father eventually reached out, it wasn't just to reconnect.
"Over the years, my dad and even Diana tried to contact me, but I blocked all attempts."
"Now a week ago, Shyla visited me. She told me that she got a message from my dad, for me. I was surprised she even mentioned Dad since she knew how I felt about him."
"She told me that Diana was in a fatal accident and didn't make it. She said he wanted to talk to me. Shyla handed me his number and said it was up to me."
"I did ring him out of curiosity, more than anything. He didn't even recognize my voice."
"But when I told him it was me, he broke down crying, and most of the time I couldn't make sense of what he was saying. When he calmed down, he said my sister died and it was time to come back home and make things right with each other."
"I asked, 'What sister? I have no sister!'"
"He started crying and saying, 'Don't do this! She doesn't deserve this.'"
"This enraged me and I just let out all my anger, hurt, and frustration I had felt towards them and ended with, 'I don't care if she had died!'"
The OP felt conflicted after his girlfriend got involved.
"My girlfriend who was beside me took my phone off me and ended the call for me. I'm glad she did before I had said anymore."
"She told me later, that I could have been more understanding."
"I've had time to think over and wonder if she is right."
"AITA?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that his life didn't have to include reconciliation or closure.
"NTA. Your father enabled you to be abused in your own home and then tossed you out when he was called out. Now his golden child is dead he's suddenly remembered he has a consolation child. Hard no."
"He created this, he put everything in place for this and he's not sorry, he's just sad his favorite child is dead. He's lost two children, and he's the reason he lost one. He failed as a father, he doesn't get to waltz back and pretend nothing happened just because he's feeling sad."
"You're not a consolation prize, and you don't have to listen to your abuser feel sorry for themselves so they can continue their fantasy and not be held accountable." - Hoplite68
"It's not even about OP and their non-existent relationship, his dad literally said, 'Don't do this to her.' It's STILL about Diana."
"I'm not saying her funeral shouldn't be, but if there was going to be any type of reconciliation, it needed to be dad taking accountability for his actions and not because Diana has passed."
"His dad wants him to show up and play the part of the grieving son and brother. For OP, there's nothing to mourn or grieve, and that's because of the parents' actions." - Adorable-Reaction887
"He didn't even recognize the voice of the man who was once his son, and once again made everything about anyone who wasn't OP. No apologies for throwing OP out or failing him, just slotting in a replacement child like years of trauma didn't happen."
"You get out of a relationship what you put into it. OP's father put in little in terms of engagement and trust, he's getting that back."
"I dread to think what Tina thinks of all this. While she lost a daughter, it's obvious she's never liked OP or had much in the way of empathy for him even when her own daughter was the agitator. Reconciliation with father would almost certainly mean contact with Tina." - lemon_charlie
"He treated you and still treats you like the spare child. Disposable when they had Diana, irreplaceable now that she's dead."
"They didn't want a relationship with you when you wanted. Why should they get a relationship with you now that they want one and now that you don't? Two-way street."
"NTA." - ChibiSailorMercury
"Father's begging now because he's just realized that OP is all that is left to carry the family name and his dreams for grandchildren, legacy, etc in his grief."
"NTA. OP, they're dead to you. Hug your real family and have a long talk with your girlfriend: she sounds like a keeper who will help you work through this." - RedGhost3568
Others agreed but suggested that the OP have a conversation with his girlfriend.
"NTA. You've more or less moved on from your dad's rejection and you owe him nothing at this point. Could you have been more empathetic? Sure, but he threw away your love and empathy when you were 16."
"On a side note, you need to have a very serious conversation with your girlfriend about how you were treated growing up. It can be hard for people who didn't grow up with s**tty parents/families to understand that just because their family was good it's not the case for you and there is no hope for reconciliation." - stringrandom
"For your relationship, it's vital that your girlfriend understands, so she won't set something up behind your back, for 'reconciliation' between you and your dad. I've read many stories on here with people (often women) who do this, and it breaks people up." - EatThisS**t
"OP, you have a lot of hurt bottled up for over 21 years of putting up with golden child Diana and then being disregarded by your dad and stepmother, only for him to throw you away like nothing. You deserved better and now he's coming back to you because step-sis died."
"Please get some therapy and allow your girlfriend to attend if you are comfortable doing so because she would understand you better in a controlled safe environment like therapy. NTA." - Apart_Foundation1702
"My now ex survived a lot of trauma, especially around holidays. I had no idea and wondered why he would be agitated. When he explained, I was able to avoid his triggers and support him. Eventually, he was able to acknowledge birthdays and Christmas, rather than it being a stressful time."
"Most people who have had a safe, happy childhood wouldn't even consider that someone struggled with those events." - The_Boots_Of_Truth
"I also understand where your girlfriend is coming from, and I think she's well-intentioned. But I also think she's wrong. It's been so long since you've spoken to your dad that he didn't recognize your voice."
"I understand he's suffering, but so are you and you're suffering BECAUSE OF HIM. Abusers ALWAYS think they get a 'get out of jail free' card for being terrible when they're grieving or dying. They don't. I understand why you called, but I find it really hard to imagine this conversation wouldn't get out of hand fast (just like it did)."
"It's totally possible that he had seen the error of his ways, and as someone with a complicated childhood, I understand being curious and even wanting to give the conversation a shot. I think your girlfriend did the right thing by hanging up for you, but not by saying you could've been more understanding."
"You don't owe this man or his wife sh*t. They aren't doing what's best for you, they never have, so you need to. It's okay not to have control over that incredibly difficult conversation even if he's grieving. It's okay to say how you feel even if that hurts him."
"And IT'S GOOD you're not trampling your personal boundaries or catering to him because he's suffering. You need to protect yourself. Could the conversation have gone smoother? Of course! But emotions are inevitably running high and sometimes it's okay just to do the best you can. Sometimes that makes you the AH, but not this time." - Lawyer_Lady3080
The subReddit not only completely understood why the OP was hurt by what his former family had done, but they also did not criticize him for the harsh feedback he gave to his estranged father.
While he could have possibly been more empathetic to what his father was going through, his empathy did not need to extend to forgiveness or reconciliation.
Some doors are better off left closed.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp