As much as we like to imagine families being strong units of people who will be there for each other through the highs and the lows, the truth of the matter is that not all families are that beautiful.
Ironically, it’s always the ones who come up short who expect their successful relatives to step up and be the “bigger person” when they need something, side-eyed the members of the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor DuaneCase had a bad relationship with his father after his mother died, but he never realized it was bad enough for his dad to kick him out at the age of nineteen with no help or resources in sight.
Ironically, years later, when the Original Poster (OP) had found his way and made some success for himself, his father contacted him, expecting him to “be there for the family” when he had lost his job and could no longer pay rent.
He asked the sub:
“AITAH for refusing to help my dad after he kicked me out five years ago?”
The OP had a terrible relationship with his dad when his mom passed away.
“When I (24 Male) was 19, I lived with my dad (56 Male). My mom passed away when I was 12, and it was just me, him, and my younger sister (now 20 Female).”
“My dad has always been kind of strict, but after my mom died, he became super controlling and honestly mean.”
“He didn’t like that I wanted to go to college out of state, and we would fight constantly.”
But then the OP’s dad did something he couldn’t take back.
“When I was 19, I came home late one night after working a double shift (I was saving money for school), and he literally threw my stuff in trash bags and told me I was ‘not his problem anymore.'”
“I slept on a friend’s couch for months until I could afford a tiny apartment.”
“I worked my a** off, graduated, and now I’ve got a stable job. I haven’t had much contact with him since, mostly just for holidays.”
The OP was surprised when his dad later felt entitled to help.
“Here’s the issue: two weeks ago, he called me out of nowhere, saying he needed help paying rent and bills because he got laid off.”
“He also guilt-tripped me, saying, ‘Your mother would be ashamed that you won’t help your own family.'”
“He asked me to move back home and contribute or send him money every month.”
“I told him no, because honestly, he made it clear years ago that I wasn’t his responsibility.”
The OP felt care and help should have been a two-way street.
“Now my sister is mad at me too, saying I’m being selfish and that he’s still our dad.”
“I told her I’ve already forgiven him, but I’m not going to put myself back in that situation.”
“She says I’m punishing him for the past.”
“Part of me feels guilty because he’s still my dad and he’s struggling, but another part of me feels like he made his choice when he kicked me out, and I don’t owe him anything.”
“AITAH for refusing to help him?”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some reassured the OP that he was NTA and that this was not what his mother would have wanted.
“Your mother would be ashamed of him for kicking you out, not helping you with college, and then having the audacity to ask for help. Not the other way around.”
“You don’t owe him any loyalty because he cut off any bond he had with you willingly. NTA.” – No_Escape_4313
“It doesn’t sound like dad began with a sincere apology and vows of love for OP, but that the dad just asked for financial help rather than professing regret. Then he followed it up with a guilt trip by asserting that his dear departed mother would be on dad’s side.”
“Dad has no personal feelings of guilt, but he tried to weaponize his wife’s death to get what he needs from the son he threw away, which is disgusting and cruel. NTA.” – FleeshaLoo
“Tell him AND the sister that mom would be ashamed that he kicked you out of the house and add to the sister that since she got to stay while you lived on couches for months that SHE should be the one to provide him money and a place to live because SHE’S the only one that actually owes him, because he made it clear five years ago that you weren’t his child any more and you’ve moved on from the past, so should he.”
“He should focus on his present, which involves him not having you in his life, but, if he needs help, you’ve got some trash bags you can give him so that he can pack his things up for his next place.” – Electrical_Beach169
“So your mom would be ashamed of you not helping a grown man but NOT ashamed of her husband kicking out her son?! Can I get some of whatever he’s having?!”
“NTA. I get the guilt of him being your dad and the fact that your sister isn’t helping, but you need to tell your sister she has no right to judge you after you were basically homeless for months and that neither of them cared what happened to you.”
“You are not responsible for a grown man, and if she’s that worried, she can help.” – Far_Scholar1986
“A couple of scenarios:”
“OP moves back, and once his place is rented out and he’s settled, Dad kicks him out again.”
“Dad refuses to find another job, and suddenly, OP is paying for everything. Plus, Dad hasn’t changed, so he will be cruel, and nothing OP does will be good enough.”
“OP sends money and doesn’t move back, and it will never be enough. Dad will always ask for more.”
“It’s pretty rich that the sister is saying these things; she wasn’t kicked out for working hard or turning nineteen. OP was.”
“Don’t move back in, don’t send money. Or if you do, tell him it’s a one-time thing and never contact you again. Or just go no contact and block them both.”
“Actions have consequences. It’s amazing how many parents expect kids to follow this rule but not themselves.”
“Hang in there, OP. Your mom would be proud of you.” – teamdogemama
Others agreed and pointed out that actions have consequences.
“NTA. He literally made OP a homeless teen.”
“If a parent tells a child that the child is not their problem, then the parent is no longer the child’s problem. That street runs both ways.”
“OP isn’t punishing him. Just letting him reap what he sowed. Actions meet consequences.” – Lumpy_Marsupial_1559
“Actions have consequences is a big lesson in this world. And it’s one that at times we’ve all had to face one way or another.”
“What he did to OP was unacceptable. But then to ask them to move in and rescue them after making them homeless? The absolute audacity of it astounds me.” – Sparklepantsmagoo2
“NTA! And you’re not ‘punishing him for the past.’ You’re making decisions based on relevant information, which is, in this case, his past s**tty behavior.”
“He showed you who he is, and you believed him. I’m sorry your sister doesn’t see it yet. Your dad’s a bad person; don’t let him drag you down.” – snippyorca
“NTA. Your sister should pay for your dad if she is so preachy about this, since she actually gained something from him and might in some way ‘owe’ him. Is your sister a lazy bum or something?”
“Also, the fact that your dad can’t pay his bills after being laid off for only TWO WEEKS means he is an id**t with money and p**sed it away somewhere. I bet you would be throwing money into a fire to help him with money, and he’d wind up asking you for more because he’d spend it like ‘fun money’ instead of on his rent.” – imakes**tuplmao
“NTA. It’s not punishing him for the past. It’s matching energy. He declared you ‘not his problem’ and nothing has changed. He’s not your problem either. You couch surfed and survived; he can do the same.”
“H**l, he should get a window into what he was so fine throwing you into at 19. I admire you for being forgiving enough to even see him on holidays. I would’ve treated dude like the invisible man for the rest of his life.”
“Your sister is mad because ‘if you don’t do it, she has to step up’ but, oh well. She could follow your example and just let him fend for himself. Or she can take on the financial burden of a selfish grown man. But that’s not your problem, and you were 100% in the right to not take onthe financial responsibility of a man who abandoned you when you were a kid.”
“19 is still very, very young. Remind your sister she’s one year older than you were when he threw you out, and you owe him nothing.” – Beneficial-Sort4795
“Low contact wasn’t working; it’s time to go no contact. This man is a selfish excuse of a human.”
“If your sister wants to help him, she is free to do so… but she doesn’t have the right to judge you for choosing not to.”
“At 19, you were hardly an adult, and he positioned you in EVERY WAY to fail, without a single f**k given, and NOW he wants you back in his life in a financial caregiver kind of a way? NTA.” – Flaky-Decision-9510
“NTA. If he didn’t get laid off and needed you and your self-made success, he wouldn’t have reached out.”
“Send him a box of trash bags and block him and your sister.” – Spike-2021
Fellow Redditors were left loudly sneering and side-eyeing in the comments over how the OP had been treated in the past, how delusional his sister was about his “loyalty” to the family, and what his father felt he was “owed” simply for being a biological father.
The OP’s sister was already a year older than he was when he was kicked to the curb, and still with a roof over her head. It made perfect sense for her to help her father, since the OP only seemed to be “good enough” for them now that he’d made his way without their help.