The idea of dating is mostly romantic, specifically owing to the potential to find your one true love.
In reality, though, dating can be stressful, even demoralizing.
Especially after going on multiple first dates, but almost no second dates.
Leaving you to ask yourself the dreaded questions: "Is it me?" or "What am I doing wrong?"
Following an unpleasant divorce, the cousin of Redditor Tall-Actuary-4507 recently put themself back in the dating pool again.
Unfortunately, she was not having so much luck, eventually leading her to ask the original poster (OP) what the problem might be.
The OP decided to give her honest opinion
An opinion their cousin did not appreciate one bit.
Wondering if she went too far, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The a**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for telling my cousin she is struggling in love because she's unlikable?"
The OP explained how being honest with her cousin did not go over well:
"For context, my (33 F[emale]) cousin has always made 'jokes' about me (26 F)."
'She has always based her style on trends, doesn't really have hobbies (she does love reality TV, and same), works in HR, lives in a cute suburb, and constantly makes digs at people if they deviate from a social norm."
'I understand that I'm not everybody's cup of tea."
"I have tattoos, piercings, colored hair, make my own clothes, live in a trailer in the woods, and teach preschool."
"I love sewing, carpentry, running, painting, reading, photography, and cooking."
"Finding dates and suitors has NEVER been a struggle for me - despite not looking like a traditionally hot person."
"Plenty of men like weird girls, but having hobbies has also attracted most of my options."
"Recently, my cousin has been trying to date again after divorce."
"She has been struggling to get dates online and asked for my help reviewing her profiles because 'somehow' I always have a 'handsome date' for events (her words)."
"Honestly, her profiles looked FINE."
"I asked her if she is getting messages, she explained that the issue is a 'lack of good men'."
"As a woman, I know that there are some doozies - but there are plenty of men to go through."
"I read a few conversations, she basically was just interrogating her matches until they stopped responding."
"I suggested a few different approach methods and she shut me down - she genuinely believed she didn't say anything off-putting."
"I told her that I don't think I can help her solve the problem if she isn't trying to change her approach."
"She said I don't understand how hard it is to find a date as a divorcee, I told her that she doesn't understand how hard she is making dating by being unlikable."
"She, understandably, got upset."
"She asked me what makes her unlikable."
"I explained that outwardly judging people while having nothing interesting to talk about is off-putting."
"I know that what I said wasn't kind, but I wasn't saying it TO hurt her."
"Truthfully, I want her to find love, but I don't think she will without actual introspection about her personality."
"Now, my grandma is demanding that I apologize to my cousin for 'going too far'."
"But my thing is, my cousin has made endless comments about my appearance and interests my whole life - the only reason it never upset me is because I know it holds no weight."
"Do I apologize simply because it was unkind?"
"I feel like if I apologize, she will assume I 'didn't mean' what I said (because she says mean stuff TO hurt people, not usually because she believes it) - BUT I DO MEAN IT."
"Part of me wants to apologize for being unkind, but I don't want her to believe I was ONLY saying it to be unkind (she needs to be nicer and probably find a hobby to find love)."
"I also think if I give an apology/explain that I meant it, she will just be upset again."
"Should I just let time pass and hope the issue gets dropped?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Her
The Reddit community was generally in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for being brutally honest with her cousin.
"NTA."
"As a divorcee myself, I know how hard dating is at that stage in life, particularly online dating."
"Do you know what you do when you stop seeing interesting dudes pop up?"
"You get off the site and spend some time on yourself."
"You don't antagonize the few dudes who still contact you, because you're THAT bored with your life."- Flat-Replacement4828
"NTA."
"She asked a question and you gave her an honest answer, It sounds like no one has given her a reality check."
"I wouldn’t apologize, however I would offer to meet and talk about it (if that’s something you are open to)."
"That way she gets to decide if that’s something she wants and it shows you tried."- yosemitelover11
"NTA."
"Sometimes people need tough love in order to get it."
"And, if what you typed here is what you actually said to her, I honestly don’t think you were even that unkind."
"The guys she’s talking to aren’t gonna tell her the blunt truth like you did, they’re either going to say something much meaner or just ghost her like they’ve been doing."
"How’s that working for her?"
"Clearly, not so great."
"You literally did her a favor."- These_Spell1989
"NTA."
"She ASKED you for advice."
"You gave it."
"You can say you apologize for hurting her feelings because that was not your intention, but you thought she wanted you to be honest, and honestly help her with dating."
"Sometimes the truth hurts."
"Hopefully, she will let what you said sink in when she is done done feeling hurt."- 1RainbowUnicorn
"NTA."
"It's clear you're emotionally intelligent, so I'm sure you recognize your cousin is insecure and trying to externalize her failures - you want to help her but this probably isn't the way that's going to get through!"- BrightFleece
There were a few, however, who felt the OP didn't need to be quite so brutally honest, and felt the OP did owe their cousin an apology:
"You and your cousin are very, very different people."
"You don't like her."
"That's okay!"
"The way you paint her here, nobody would like her."
"I don't think you're trying to be unfair or present her cruelly."
"I think this is just how you see her."
"One of the benefits of family, I think, is having people in our social networks who are very different from us, because it forces to distinguish between like and love."
"You probably love your cousin even though you don't like her."
"But I bet that she has people who see her differently: friends, other family members, coworkers, etc."
"I mean, at some point, someone liked her enough to marry her, so maybe it's not actually that she's a vapid idiot with a shallow personality."
"Maybe the questions that you experience as an interrogation are an effective filter for her to weed out men who would just be wasting her time (and great for the men, too, actually, not to waste theirs)."
"26-never-married, happily independent living in the woods and teaching kidlets is a VERY different life situation than a mid-30s career HR professional with a home in the suburbs."
"You don't mention whether she has children or not, but if she does, then dating becomes *way* more fraught."
"But if she doesn't have children and wants them?"
"Time's running out."
"Either way, it absolutely makes sense that she's more than a little high strung around this."
"You did not mean to hurt her feelings."
"But you did."
"You feel like you were just 'telling the truth' and hey, she asked."
"But that's not really the question about whether you were an a**hole."
"The question is whether you caused necessary harm."
"I think the harm that you did was real and unnecessary."
"The term 'unlikeable' is a judgment."
"You'd have been safe to keep it 100 percent on what she did and zero percent on your judgement of what she did."
"In other words, 'I think you're coming across as more of an interviewer than a prospective date, and here are the examples', could genuinely be helpful."
"Less helpful: 'Look, the problem is that you're boring because you have no hobbies and you're unlikeable because you're openly judging other people'."
"Saying 'You should have something to talk about besides where you're going to eat dinner' is helpful."
"Saying 'Look at you, you contributed nothing of substance to the conversation' is not."
"I wouldn't expect a 26-year-old to be able to articulate this, and you aren't her therapist."
"I give you a gentle YTA and if I were you, I'd apologize--not to keep the peace but to be kind."
"You're obviously intelligent enough to craft an apology that says what you need it to say."
"Something like 'Look, I overstepped. You can I are very different people in different life situations, and the people that I tend to connect with wouldn't connect with you. But I shouldn't have called you *unlikeable* because that crossed into being mean. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings'."
"Other people here are going to say 'NTA! She needed to hear it, nyah nyah nyah!'"
"I disagree."
"One of the things I've learned in my 50+ years: I used to divide the world into people who had a 'spark' and people who didn't seem to have a 'spark'."
"Truth is, everyone's got a spark if you look for it."
"There's some guy out there longing to meet your cousin who you'll find SO dull that you regret she ever met him when she brings him to family events and he can and will hold a three hour conversation about grass--and I don't mean weed."
"I mean lawn grass."
"Everyone is weird and interesting if you look long and deep enough."
"It wouldn't be better for her to pretend to be someone she isn't in order to get dates; that way lay madness and deception."
"As a side note, she's got a point about finding love a bit older."
"Look up the Garfunkel and Oates song '29/31'."
"It's hilarious--but it also might give you a little more perspective on what she's facing."- Grump_Curmudgeon
They say honesty is always the best policy.
Which doesn't mean it's always easy.
Even if the OP's cousin needed to hear what she had to say, it didn't necessarily mean she was going to be accepting of it.
Now that she has this piece of advice, however, perhaps she might re-evaluate her methods...
