Not all children have an easy time adjusting to the real world after flying the coop.
As a result, many people move back in with their parents.
What sometimes takes them by surprise, however, is that it's not exactly the same situation as when they were living at home as children.
As this time, their parents won't always, if ever, cater to their every need.
The adult daughter of Redditor Diligent_Kangaroo_35 was still living at her family home.
After she moved back in, the original poster (OP) began to notice an ongoing disruption in the house.
A disruption that was beginning to add up to a significant financial cost.
When the OP finally drew the line and demanded that their daughter start being responsible for paying, they did not get the response they hoped for.
Eventually leading the OP to instill yet another ultimatum on their daughter.
Wondering if they overreacted, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar "Am I The A**Hole" (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Nor are voting acronyms required or a final judgment declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for asking a family member to buy a toilet seat?"
The OP explained why they refused to buy any more broken toilet seats:
"Our 29 F[emale] daughter lives with us."
"She moved back home about a year ago."
"She is in the downstairs bedroom & the bathroom is right next to her room."
"Since she moved home, the toilet seat keeps breaking."
"I've replaced it 6 times this past year."
"I have no idea what she is doing in there?"
"Possibly aggressively wiggling sh*t out, who f*cking knows."
"So, yesterday, I went in the bathroom and to my lack of surprise, the toilet seat was broken again."
"I replaced the seat a month ago. In a slight fit of rage, I said 'I'm not buying another one, this is ridiculous."
"And I asked our daughter to go get one."
"She laughed and said, 'It's not that big of a deal."
"To which I replied, 'I've spent over $200 in toilet seats over the last year. When you were not here, the toilet seat was not breaking every few months. And no guests are allowed here until it's replaced."
"She stormed out."
"My husband offered to buy it, to which I said no - she needs to respect what's here or get her 30-year-old a** out."
"She's very overweight."
"5'3 and appx 300 lbs."
"But even at that, it makes no sense."
"I may have overreacted but like WTF?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that it wasn't unreasonable for the OP to ask their daughter to buy a new toilet seat.
While some did take into account that the OP's daughter might be self-conscious about her weight being the reason she constantly broke the toilet seat, she still should be the one who replaced the broken seat, with some finding the fact that she laughed in her face was enough to justify kicking her out:
"You're not the AH."
"Never broken a seat in 54 yrs, this is ridiculous."- Sugah-mama21
"I feel I have to ask this."
"I mean you're not the arsehole either way, I've never broken a toilet seat in 40 years, not even flimsy plastic ones."
"So yeah... is she a bit overweight?"
"Or do you think she might be doing it on purpose for some reason?"- irreverend_god
"NTA."
"It’s infuriating to have her laugh in your face."- Lemon_Poppies
"I can't even picture how someone would repeatedly break a toilet seat?"
"I would be so embarrassed if I did that in someone else's home, especially as an adult."- girl-dracula
"NTA."
"Given the OP’s comments, I would say the laughing is possibly a safety response due to her weight and the knowledge that it’s probably that leading to the toilet seats breaking."
"OP - have you looked into purchasing a heavy-duty or bariatric seat?"
"Standard seats are rated from 300-400 lbs, but that’s static without movement."
"You may want to find one that’s rated for up to 800+ pounds that may last longer."
"That’s just a guess but my first thought when I read about so many freaking and then OP confirmed with stating she’s approximately 300 pounds."- BloomNurseRN
"Is she like seriously overweight?"
"I would say maybe it's the wrong seat."
"Odd."- UnfairProgrammer1194
"You are soooo NTA."
"6 seats in a year??!!??"
"Wtf is she banging a football team on the throne????"
"Smh."
"Unbelievable."
"NTA by any stretch of the imagination."- Altruistic_Rent_4048
"NTA but inquiring minds must find out what she is doing to break a toilet seat."
"I have toilet seats older than she is."
"It is not normal for them to break."
"WTF is she doing?!"
"Is she severely overweight?"
"Is she standing on the toilet to take a dump?"
"It seems like she is deliberately breaking them on purpose."
"Make her pay to replace it every time she continues to break it."- AwayOwl8174
"What kind of toilet seats are you buying and where does it break?"
"Wooden? Plastic? The metal bolts break?"
"This is hard to believe."- hopingtothrive
"NTA."
"Maybe this will motivate her to launch."
"You are not overreacting but WTH is she doing in there?"
"LOL."- Shutupandplayball
"What does she do if you don’t fix it?"- Independent_Insect_1
"Is she overweight?"
"If yes, she's probably breaking it when she twists to wipe."
"NTA."
"She needs to replace what she's broken."- BubbleCrum
"I'd be mortified if I broke anything in my mother's house, let alone not replacing it immediately."
"And definitely not for 6 times and then laugh that it's not a big deal."
"It IS a big deal when you damage other people's property."- Infamous_Care_5456
"NTA."
"I've only ever broken 1 toilet seat."
"And I'm a big dude."
"How do you break so many???"
"Unless you've bought the weak paper seats and she's pissing right on it to ruins its structural integrity."
"This is a weird situation."- aDistractedDisaster
"Stop replacing it."
"She can use it like it is or she can buy a new one."- NamasteNoodle
"NTA, we've been through 4 seats in 16 years."
"But I'm quite overweight and the seats weren't that robust."
"About a year ago I got one that is rated for over 350 pounds."
"So far, so good."- Diligent-Touch-5456
"That's ridiculous is she very heavy or doing acrobatics on the toilet?"
"She gets to replace the seat she keeps breaking."- DetailEducational917
"NTA."
"I’m 51, and I’ve never broken a toilet seat."
"Partner is 63, and the same goes."
"Our daughter is 21."
"Again, no broken toilet seats."
"That’s 135 years of life with no broken toilet seats."
"Your daughter broke six in a year."
"Is her a** made of concrete?"- chez2202
"DO NOT buy another toilet seat. She is doing something very weird to break this many."
"Let her replace it, or get her @ss pinched."
'Enough pinches and she'll be begging to be allowed to buy one!"- Number-2-Sis
"NTA."
"I've had people break the toilet seat, but they were on the bigger side and also very drunk."
"I've never had the same person break the toilet seat multiple times in a single year."
"Since your daughter thinks it's not a big deal, either she can buy her own toilet seat or continue to use the broken one."- Biteme75
"NTA She has got to be doing something to cause the seat to break."
"Even overweight people do not continuously break toilet seats."- Moemoe5
"NTA."
"Remove the broken toilet seat, but don't replace it."
"Let the voice of a cold porcelain toilet rim do the talking for you."- Ornery-Movie-1689
"This has happened in my home when I had multiple normal-weight teens who sat on the toilet, top closed, to shave legs, bikini areas, etc."
"It caused unusual stress and torsion from propping outstretched legs on the edge of the tub or other support areas."
"NTA."- pelicanlovingredwood
"What they doin in the bathroom?"
"I'm old as f*ck and never broken a seat."
"You are NTA!"- satrapi1
"NTA."
"She will only change her habits when it starts costing her money."- _gadget_girl
Regardless of the situation, breaking a toilet seat is an embarrassing situation that not many people would be willing to fess up to.
Even so, after breaking it six times, one can't help but be surprised that the OP's daughter didn't even offer to split the cost of a new one.
One can only hope she has the fortitude not to laugh in the OP's face again.
At least not if she wants to continue to live with her parents.
Woman With Cerebral Palsy Livid After Husband's Doctor Questions Why He Married Her
In the search for comprehensive medical care, people may have tough conversations about their lifestyle, work, relationships, and other potential stressors.
But a doctor can only make so many decisions on behalf of their patient, cautioned the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor _lucky96 was seeing the same doctor as her husband, so their doctor was aware of both of their medical histories and needs, including her having cerebral palsy.
But when the doctor brought up her condition during her husband's latest appointment and questioned their marriage, the Original Poster (OP) was appalled and wanted to find a new medical care provider.
She asked the sub:
The OP had cerebral palsy and a full life.
"I have cerebral palsy. It mainly affects my walking, but I can walk independently and live a pretty normal life."
"My husband and I have been together for three years and have a blended family with five kids altogether. Three of my kids aren’t biologically his."
The OP and her husband just started seeing a new doctor.
"We’ve both recently started seeing the same general practitioner (GP)." I’ve seen him about three times now and generally thought he was helpful."
"I had noticed he seemed very interested in my disability and would often ask questions about it and whether I had support, but I assumed he was just being thorough."
In the OP's eyes, the doctor crossed a line.
"Today, my husband had an appointment with the same doctor for stomach issues."
"During the appointment, mental health apparently came up as part of the discussion, but the appointment itself wasn’t for mental health."
"I wasn’t in the room because I was outside with our daughter. According to my husband, the doctor asked him, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"My husband said because he loves me, and then the doctor apparently said something along the lines of, 'With her disability and five kids, that’s a lot to take on. You realise when she’s older, you’ll have a lot to do as she ages.'"
"My husband thinks I’m overreacting because they had been discussing different stressors in his life, and believes the doctor was just talking about responsibilities and support systems."
"I understand that possibility, but I can’t get past how hurtful it feels to hear my disability described as something my husband 'took on' or as a future burden he’ll have to manage."
"The doctor also said, 'Not many men would do what you do, you’re a good man.'"
The OP was upset about the conversation her husband shared.
"What bothers me most is that the conversation wasn’t even about me, and I wasn’t there to respond or provide any context."
"I feel like the comments reduced me to my disability rather than seeing me as a wife, parent, and person."
"Am I wrong for being upset by this and considering raising it with the clinic, or does this sound inappropriate?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that the doctor's comments were highly inappropriate.
"That’s highly inappropriate. You are NOR." - Direction_Physical
"NOR. You are not overreacting at all. That was completely inappropriate and dehumanizing."
"You’re his patient’s wife, not his patient, while your husband is in that room. Bringing up your disability and five kids during your husband’s stomach appointment had nothing to do with his care."
"Saying you’re 'a lot to take on' and 'not many men would do what you do' frames your marriage like a charity case, and you like a burden instead of a partner."
"That’s ableist, unprofessional, and a violation of basic boundaries."
"It makes sense that you feel reduced to just your disability after hearing that."
"Raising it with the clinic is absolutely reasonable. You deserve a doctor who treats you as a whole person, not a problem for your husband to manage." - DaringDuvet
"This makes me so stabby. I’m non-verbal and have right-sided weakness."
"We were married 29 years before it happened, and the number of people who think my husband needs a medal and a parade for sticking around..."
"Don’t get me wrong. My husband is one of life’s truly good dudes. But seriously?" - sorenelf
"This is infuriating. He's a good man because he didn't ditch?"
"When my mum was diagnosed with cancer that wasn’t going to do the polite thing and get fixed, the amount of applause for my dad not leaving her was astounding."
"He was horrified at first, but that wore off pretty quickly, and he just started calling it out. That made quite a few people squirm in their own discomfort."
"It says a lot about someone who thinks a natural choice is to bail." - BasicLingonberry9914
"NOR in the slightest."
"Even if we assume good intent and the doctor wanted to make sure there are safety nets and supports in place for both of you, that has NOTHING to do with the question of why your husband married you."
"I would absolutely file a complaint, and if you both can, find another general practitioner." - ooooohcakepudding
"NOR. I have severe Aphakia, and if my specialist looked at my husband to remind him he's going to be growing old with someone who is likely going to go blind, I think I would die."
"My husband had been through h**l and back with me and my eyes long before we got married, so he knows what he signed up for. And it isn't the doc's place to sort out. Super duper unprofessional." - Global-Nature2420
"So at first, I thought you were overreacting. I am a mental health provider, and a doctor discussing stressors and very real-life situations happens all the time."
"The minute you added the part that 'not many men,' things changed. He took what could have been a normal conversation and changed it to his personal feelings, which is absolutely disgusting."
"NOR at all. I would file a complaint." - Trash_Human92
Others pointed out that it was an important conversation to have, though the doctor could have been more delicate.
"While tough, this isn't an inappropriate conversation to have if the stress is causing his health to deteriorate."
"The truth is not inappropriate. I think the way he worded it was a bit much, but not what he said."
"It appears to me the OP is not dealing with how her disability is not just about her, but everyone, etc. For example, my cancer was also stressing my loved ones out." - Total-Ad886f
"I was having panic attacks in the middle of the night due to my husband's health and lack of care. So when he finally started seeing someone in my same doctor's office (but not the same doctor), it was SO much better."
"My doc and the nurse have been really, really concerned about my mental health, so they were happy to hear that he's taking his health seriously and improving, because that means that I am sleeping more and my mental health is better, and that means my ability to manage my own chronic pain and health issues has been better."
"I was not coping at all and barely able to function." - popchex
"The doctor may have mentioned OP in the conversation with her husband if he was trying to ascertain if he had stressors that may contribute to his stomach issues. Sure, your spouse, children, work, and parents can be considered stressors at times in anyone’s life."
"For me, where he crossed the line was when he decided just how OP’s condition will impact the future."
"Firstly, OP is obviously capable of caring for everyone, including herself and children, with minimal, if any, assistance. As OP ages, more assistance may be required, but this may also be the case for her husband, too, as he ages. The responsibility of the children will not be a factor, as they are adults."
"So the doctor’s predictions are presumptive and unnecessary. Health is not guaranteed for anyone. We all will face various challenges to our physical abilities as we age."
"What I would take up with the clinic is why he felt it necessary to ask the husband why he married OP. To additionally state because of that, ‘He was a good man’ is grossly inappropriate and unprofessional."
"There is potential for an ongoing issue to arise if OP were to continue seeing this doctor. His bias toward her husband may very well influence any care she may need in the future. NOR." - Cool-Blackberry-785
"It doesn’t make sense because if your husband was talking about how stressed he was, why would the doctor bring up more reasons he should be stressed? Or if he didn’t seem stressed enough, is the doctor then going to be like, 'Consider how stressed you’ll be in X amount of years'?"
"It sort of sounds like he’s saying something like, 'Why would a man do that?'"
"The only exception I’d give is if your husband had some sort of health thing he’s completely ignoring, and the doctor was trying to give him a wake-up moment. Because then, they sort of have to be blunt to make you realize you need to prioritize your health. But simply being stressed isn’t enough to start saying, 'Why did you marry your wife?'"
"Whenever it’s women in your husband’s position, they just get told they’re an awesome rockstar. No one questions WHY they do it."
"NOR. You should find a doctor who makes you feel supported, and you feel is better overall."
"I wouldn’t make your husband change yet. It is hard to find doctors you like. Maybe when you establish with a better doctor, he’ll switch, too." - imwearingredsocks
Since the OP's husband went to the doctor to discuss stomach issues and likely how to remedy them, it's reasonable that the subject of possible stressors would come up, so the husband could avoid those stressors and improve his symptoms.
However, some Redditors felt that also including details about his marriage and fatherhood in the conversation was crossing a line, and while being a care provider to a spouse could be stressful, many felt it was being addressed from an ableist perspective instead.