In shared environments, things go more smoothly if everyone agrees to clean up after themselves and try to avoid making messes in the first place.
One area no one wants to clean up after a messy person is the bathroom.
There's actual biohazards to consider.
A young woman turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after getting fed up with her inconsiderate father.
Nightwing_1505 asked:
"AITA for using my dad’s underwear to make a point about the toilet seat?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"This has been going on for so long in my house that I feel like I need a third opinion."
"I (21, female) live with my parents and younger sister(13, female). We have a two-bedroom apartment with one bathroom (thanks to old building layouts), so all of us share it."
"The problem is my dad does not lift the toilet seat when he pees, and he ends up leaving splash marks on the seat. Refuses to clean after himself too."
"It is not just about how it looks, it also smells, and makes it inconvenient for me, my sister, and my mother to use the bathroom, checking for stains every time. We have told him many times over the years to just lift the seat, but he refuses or ignores it."
"At one point, when my younger sister was younger (like 9), she used to sit without thinking much and got a skin rash."
"I was really frustrated and it kind of blew up for me recently. I told my dad that if he kept leaving the seat dirty, I would start cleaning it with his underwear."
"He did not take me seriously, so I actually did it. Whenever I found stains, I used one of his clean underwear to wipe it. I even used the ones he kept as backup."
"Eventually, he ran out of clean underwear, and the ones left smelled, so he realized what I had been doing. We had a big fight about it, and we have not spoken for two months now."
"Some relatives found out and are telling me I am making a big deal out of a small issue. First, they refused to even address the issue when I tried to explain, and now they just explain to me that it's just a habit he doesn't have, we should just make up and not spoil our relationship over this."
"My sister is also telling me to stop fighting, but I feel like this is basic hygiene in a shared space."
"I know using his underwear was extreme, but I had already tried talking about it for years and nothing changed. I will not lie, it has started to take a bit of a toll on me because it has started this cold war in my house, but I feel like I should stand my ground because if I don't, my compliance will spill into other things that are not just minor inconveniences."
"AITA for standing my ground over this?"
The OP later added:
"Yes, I am an adult, but I live in India, where you don't really start earning until you get a degree, which is at 22, or you are a laborer. I already have a job offer and will be moving out then but that is 1 more year for me. But I will have to leave my sister behind."
"A lot of people are suggesting keeping the seat up, and I agree it's a good preventive measure, but we need to keep the lid closed when no one is using it because things can crawl up the drain since we live in decently close proximity to a forest."
"To all the people coming after my mom, please don't. In a culture where a woman's life is defined by her father, husband and then son, she has done the best she could. She came from a village where she was literally the first woman to have a office job."
"You know why? Because people did not educate their daughters, they would be married off eventually. She still supports us to best of her abilities and has her own differences with my father."
"She did take my side, but I don't blame her for not being an active participant in this since she has her own issues to deal with."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for using my dad's underwear to make a point and fight over it, possibly damaging our relationship forever."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"You wrote your younger sister 'used to sit without thinking much and got a skin rash'. That should have been enough of a reason to change his gross habits. NTA." ~ RainbowRaccoon15
"Given the inequality between genders in this country's culture, it's not surprising the father didn't care." ~ llmusicgear
"Yeah, usually I am of the mind that the homeowner sets the rules. But not when those rules have medical implications for minors living in the home."
"OP, NTA to me, although given what I understand of your culture, you might be viewed as one." ~ WorldlinessLanky1443
"All the people telling you that you're an adult and can just move out can stfu."
"Your dad is the one who should act like an adult and clean his own pee. NTA." ~ Either-Ad-7430
"Exactly. Just because a parent lets you live at home as an adult doesn't mean you have to tolerate them acting like pigs." ~ Difficult_Regret_900
"As a man, once I started spraying more, I started sitting down rather than just lift the lid like I always had. Once I got used to it, I started wondering why anybody stands unless they are outdoors." ~ Lou_C_Fer
"She should get a UV flashlight online and show him and her mother just how disgusting he is." ~ Similar_Grass_792
"He's gross, but refuses to admit fault even though you've proven it beyond doubt. I wouldn't back down, let him die on the hill he chose." ~ Autumn_Falls0131
"I pretty much never vote in favor of seemingly petty revenge. But as soon as we got to: 'when my younger sister was younger (like 9), she used to sit without thinking much and got a skin rash'."
"Yeahhhhhh. His hygiene habits are affecting the health and medical care of his young kid."
"He's acting like a child. Ask him, 'Do you want your stale urine rubbing on your genitals? Yeah, we don't either'." ~ Valysian
"This is definitely indicative of a pattern of inconsiderate and slovenly behavior. OP, I get why you may feel you blew things up into an extreme fight over something 'small' or 'petty' like cleaning a toilet seat, but this is clearly the straw that broke the camel’s back and a symptom of a deeper rooted issue." ~ everdayday
"I'm a dad of a 6-year-old girl. I'd never do this to her, regardless of how old she gets."
"It goes beyond hygiene. I'm setting an example for a male relationship in her life when she grows up." ~ Chance-Ad9302
"Amen. Seriously? Does any father want their kid to settle for a guy who is thoughtless, disrespectful, and gross? ...and gives her infections.... Apparently OP's father does." ~ Valysian
"Petty me would start leaving monthly blood on the seat and see if he thinks it is a big deal!" ~ CompanySalt8946
"I'd be leaving daily water on the seat, just when he's about to go in for a sit-down. I did that to my then-husband after a couple of years of him refusing to lift the seat but always telling me it wasn't a big deal that he peed on it. He soon learned that it was, in fact, a big deal." ~ Sewishly
"NTA. Gross boys become gross men unless they are educated otherwise. I would have asked him why it's so hard to sit down and avoid the mess." ~ sinographer
"The fact that OP is in India says a lot for this too. Misogyny is absolutely rampant here and even though it shouldn't be a thing towards your own offspring, let alone anyone else, it almost certainly would be for many households over here." ~ smoike
"NTA. He’s a grown man this is so gross and LAZY." ~ DazzlingMistake_
"It's not lazy. It's straight-up disrespectful. He doesn't think they're entitled to a clean toilet. His own 9-year-old daughter had a rash, and he didn't care. He really does not have any respect for the women in his family." ~ daliagon
"I'm sorry, you're using his underwear‽‽"
"That's f*cking disgusting. I cannot believe you'd do that."
"Use his pillowcase instead. That way, you're not touching your dad's underwear. NTA." ~ sarcasticlovely
Common courtesy requires courtesy in both directions. Peeing all over where others are going to sit isn't courteous.
Maybe Dad should go pee outside if he can't use indoor plumbing without making a mess.
