Choosing to have children can be very rewarding, but it also comes with a lot of personal sacrifices. And if one parent isn't pulling their weight, it can quickly become overwhelming for their partner.
A parent turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after a conflict with their husband over who should be responsible for their baby.
DiligentTumbleweed96 asked:
"AITA for wanting to poop alone?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I asked my husband to take our 19-month-old with him this morning to drop my daughter off at school. I asked him so that I could use the bathroom alone."
"Our son is almost always with me. I saw an opportunity of me needing to poop and my husband driving our daughter as a blessing for one quiet poop."
"Every time I try to poop, my son either screams outside the door or wants to sit on my lap. My husband took him and ran into traffic."
"Roads closed, trains stuck, etc... Until they were driving for an hour."
"My son wasn't happy about it and screamed the whole time. He hates the car for anything more than a twenty-minute drive."
"I take him to his and his sisters doctors appointments, dentists, grocery store runs, etc. All of which are over twenty minutes. So he screams about it often with me driving the car."
"My husband gets home and starts screaming that it's not fair to our son that I lock him in a chair in the car for an hour so that I can use the bathroom."
"He says I'm the a**hole because our son shouldn't have to deal with that."
"I replied that I guess we can't take our son anywhere anymore since he's not allowed to be locked up at all."
"AITA?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I might be the a**hole for being sarcastic and for sending my son with my husband."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Husband isn’t upset your son 'had to deal with that'. He’s upset he had to listen to a screaming toddler. I bet he wouldn’t have said a word about it if the kid fell asleep in his carseat."
"How are you supposed to bring this kid anywhere if your husband claims 'locking him in a chair in the car' is inherently cruel? He’s being dramatic and throwing his own little tantrum because he was inconvenienced for an hour."
"I agree with others that dad should have the baby with him during toilet time from now on. Tell him he needs to experience exactly why you were desperate for a break." ~ Rougefarie
"NTA, the next time your husband is pooping, open the door and pop your toddler in the bathroom with him." ~ Impressive_Moment786
"I did this to my husband when he didn't understand why it was so hard for me to go to the bathroom, when I could just 'take the baby to the bathroom with me'."
"I waited until he was pooping. Put the baby, our very mobile baby, in the bathroom and left to go to the store. When he called to complain, I played dumb, 'What do you mean the baby is tearing up the bathroom? You have him with you, it should be easy', etc..."
"He never gave me a hard time again after that." ~ Lady_Spork
"That would work to annoy dad (good!) but I doubt he'd take the lesson from it. He'd just be 'our son shouldn't have to deal with that' and think she's being cruel, the kid must only cry when she's doing something wrong."
"This is definitely building a strawman from a two-paragraph post, but I read that comment as him being one of those parents who thinks the most important parenting goal is to end suffering/make kids stop annoying you at all costs, even if it means stuffing them with cookies or dropping them in front of the iPad all day." ~ ameinias
"Every time the subject comes up about how men get home and like want to be in the bathroom an hour, I’m like…? Send the kid in. Like, if I’m home all day and have to watch my kid while I use the bathroom, why is the bathroom a deterrent? Send them in." ~ ConejillodeIndias436
"This is the ultimate weapon. Toddlers have absolutely zero boundaries and will literally just stare into your soul or ask 45 questions about what you're doing. His bathroom 'sanctuary' will be ruined instantly." ~ sleepylunaria
"The sheer amount of entitlement that this grown man AND the son display is ridiculous. Let mom take a sh*t in peace for f*ck’s sake."
"Son NEEDS to be with her every waking moment? He can learn to deal with it."
"Husband gets pissy when the kid is secured safely? HE can learn to deal with it too."
"Fair is fair. Make him deal with the tot when he needs to take a sh*t. It’s not rocket science, right? Since he thinks it's so easy." ~ Goth_Muppet
"I mean, that's fine. You are however going to lock your son in the bathroom with your husband when he poops. From now until the end of time." ~ Safe-Essay4128
"Stand outside the door screaming, wonder how long before he cracks." ~ MidoriMidnight
"Lock the toddler in the toilet with him AND stand outside screaming. Really drive the point home." ~ daddyschomper
"I don't have children, but I had to do with this with my husband and our dog, while the dog could not be unsupervised post-surgery. Somehow (of course), all the supervision of the dog fell on me, and I was dragging him into the bathroom while I did my business and eventually I just said, screw it."
"Then it became me to him, 'oh, you're napping? Here's the dog.' 'oh, you're pooping? Here's the dog.' 'oh, you're doing a chore(not really, that never happens), here's the dog, enjoy!'"
"And that was just a dog, which is arguably a damn lot easier than a child. People treat you how you let them, but NTA." ~ Blarffette
"We have 2 cats, and I just find so much joy in locking them in the bathroom with my boyfriend while he poops. I shouldn't have to be the only one that gets to 'enjoy' the cats screaming at me and the bathroom door, while demanding water too." ~ Sure-Lingonberry-283
"NTA. What he really means is 'he (dad, not your son) shouldn’t have to deal with that.' How many times have you been stuck in the car or anywhere with your screaming baby, and are you allowed to lose your sh*t because of it. Probably not." ~ Agitated_Arachnid176
"He isn't mad that your son had to deal with being in the car for an hour. He is mad that he had to deal with your son. NTA." ~ Alpacazappa
"What your husband meant is that HE shouldn't have had to deal with that. His own son. Instead of coming home with empathy: 'Does he do this to you all day? Wow that must be really overwhelming. How can I help with this?'."
"He came with anger and screamed at you. Because, God forbid, you want to poop in peace. He sounds charming and supportive."
"NTA and I agree with everyone else who says put the toddler in the bathroom while he poops." ~ Haunting-Earth-8593
"Dad had a chance to pull over to a store real quick and have some bonding time with his son. Fun things dad do. But nope. Let him scream in the last 40 minutes and then dad goes and screams at wife." ~ South_Start6630
"NTA. Your husband shouldn't have screamed. Even if he was annoyed, he didn't need to scream."
"I also would be curious to know how often you get a break from your 19-month-old. It doesn't seem like you often get one given you had to ask your husband to get a 20 minute break."
"How often does he offer? How often does he even handle the kids?" ~ Lullayable
"NTA. That frustration he felt while driving is what you always feel when trying to do basic things like use the bathroom. If he were more involved and carried his weight as a parent, then this wouldn’t be happening to begin with, and he would just take the little one and entertain him with snacks or something so that you had time for yourself. This is his fault for not stepping up as a parent before." ~ noonecaresat805
"NTA. Since when is traffic your fault?"
"Having been in a car with a screaming toddler, I get where he's coming from, but it's definitely not your fault. He could have sung silly songs, tried to play an eye spy game, etc., or realized traffic was terrible, found a park, and pulled over for a little bit for a break."
"Both of you need a break. Can you hire some help so they can entertain your toddler while you're home so you can do other things by yourself?"
"At 19 months, my tall kid could break out of the crib. But if yours can stay in the crib, it might be time to start working on some safe independent play in there." ~ EquivalentTwo1
OP didn't cause the traffic or the crying baby.
If dad can't handle one hour with his own son, he should better understand what his spouse deals with all the time.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp