One aspect of blended families, whether a couple gets together because of the death of a spouse or the end of their relationship with their former significant other, that doesn't get mentioned as often is the part that extended family or exes play in family dynamics.
Even if the blended family includes half-siblings, the children will have different grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins through their other parent. If the household includes stepsiblings, they won't share a biological connection with each other at all and may not have much of a relationship with their stepparent's extended family.
Because of these exclusive relationships, one child might receive attention, gifts, and even inheritances that don't extend to other members of their household. This can lead to jealousy between the siblings.
A father turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over his daughter's actions towards her stepsister.
Throawatya_Bonus4510 asked:
"AITA for making my daughter pay back 6,000 dollars for destroying her stepsister's purse?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"When my daughter was around 10, I remarried to her stepmom who had her own daughter who was 9."
"They got along for the most part until recently. In short, my daughter is jealous. I’ll call any daughter Ash. My stepdaughter Emma (fake name ) has recently reconnected with her grandparents on her father’s side. The grandparents have money to burn and are retired."
"I want to point out that before they came into the picture, my daughter was the one to receive nicer gifts from my ex and her mom's side of the family. For example, there have been a few times Ash went on vacations that my stepdaughter wasn’t allowed to go on or got more expensive stuff. I can’t stop my ex-wife from spoiling her or her family."
"So the issue has been that Ash has been jealous of Emma recently because Emma’s grandparents are giving her stuff. That stuff will sometimes be in our home. I’m not going to ban her from bringing her gifts to her place that she lives at 50% of the time."
"One example is Emma got the newest phone, and my daughter wanted her iPhone upgraded. I told her we don’t have the money at the moment, and she said it was unfair that her stepsister got the newest phone. She wasn’t very happy. We had a conversation and brought up the stuff she has gotten, but Emma hasn’t over the years."
"Ash is 16, and Emma is 15. Emma’s grandparents got her a 6,000-dollar purse for back to school. I don’t get it, but Emma seemed to really like it, and she was using it. It was her first real purse."
"My daughter was jealous when she saw it, because she knew the brand name. Ash asked if she could borrow it and Emma told her no. They got into an argument, and I stopped it and reiterated that it was Emma’s."
"Well, Ash decided to destroy the purse. She cut some of the leather and popped some of the seams. My wife’s ex-husband was pissed, and my wife replaced the purse with her own money (we really didn’t have that to blow)."
"I discussed it with my wife, and we are making Ash pay back the purse. We already took $4,000 that she earned this summer form her job and made it clear that for her next paychecks until she's paid the other $2,000, she is to give us 50% until it is paid in full."
"Ash has been upset some, and she ran to her mom to complain. Who has had a lot of things to say about this. She claims we are being too harsh."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"NTA. Actions need to have consequences. You’re a good dad for enforcing them." ~ bananabreadmio
"How could those consequences POSSIBLY be too harsh? They are the very definition of “the punishment should fit the crime.” Ash destroyed a purse; Ash needs to replace that purse. NTA, OP." ~ AlligatorVine
"If anything, they're on the lenient side! Typically if you steal or destroy something the repayment is higher than simply the cost of the item." ~ AutisticPenguin2
"THIS. $6,000 of deliberate destruction, cutting leather and popping seams takes time and intent; that's not just a moment of anger. Restitution is the exact right consequence because it maps perfectly: you destroyed value, you replace value."
"Mom calling it 'too harsh' while presumably not offering to cover the cost of replacing the purse herself is a fun detail. Ask her if she'd prefer your wife, stepdaughter, and her grandparents filed a police report. At least you're keeping your malicious vandals criminal record clean." ~ PipToSatoshi
"Correct, and this is a sixteen-year-old. She’s not some 8-year-old throwing chocolate at another child in a fit of anger."
"She knew the brand and the price of the bag. She knew exactly what she was doing. One can only imagine why she didn’t think there would be consequences."
"But I'm guessing mom's reaction is a big clue. She's probably reinforcing the 'it's not fair' narrative about the things your stepdaughter gets from her grandparents." ~ Traveler691
"Yes, it was a very methodical, time-consuming, and deliberate act. There’s no other way to spin this. NTA for holding your own child accountable for her actions." ~ GoingToRedRobin
"This is one of those moments where OP either steps up as a parent or sets his kid up for future failure and possibly bigger consequences. Luckily OP chose the correct path."
"Depending on where OP lives, destroying something of that value could surpass misdemeanor and go into felony territory." ~ ImpertinentPrincess
"Nope, NTA. That is abhorrent behavior for a 16-year-old. That is way beyond old enough to not destroy other people’s things in a jealous snit. She should have to pay every penny the purse cost. Good on you for sticking up for your stepdaughter and not disregarding your daughter's criminal behavior." ~ unicornunopole
"Ash liked things better when she was the spoiled child, not Emma. This is a recent change to the status quo, and the other daughter is likely reacting to not being able to lord her 'better' items over Emma any longer. OP is a good parent, in spite of his ex." ~ nicunta
"NTA. This is an opportunity to give her a good lesson about life and the consequences of poor decisions." ~ Gloomy-Actuator836
"NTA. This is exactly what I would have done, and then reiterated that Ash is not to touch things that aren’t hers."
"Emma or her mother or grandparents could have called the police. In most places in the United States, this is a felony as it’s over $5,000. I’d be making that clear to Ash AND your ex, as well. Restitution is the least of the consequences her childish behavior could have brought on her." ~ UnoriginalJ0k3r
"NTA, a good life lesson and really good parenting to be honest. If she’s angry about it, well then she shouldn’t destroy things out of spite or jealousy. I think it’d be harsh if you made her pay back more than the value of the purse or added a billion other punishments. But this feels fair and just." ~ J0rkank0
"Seems like Ash was completely fine as long as she was the one getting better gifts/experiences than Emma. But now that Emma might be one-upping her it's not fine. This jealousy needs to be nipped in the bud. Ash seems like she'd be part of the mean girls club at school." ~ suer72cutlass
"NTA and excellent parenting."
"Ash vindictively destroyed property that wasn't hers. Outside of your home, this could get her arrested, even at 16. You are doing her a favor by making her experience real-world consequences for her actions."
"You shared, 'Ash has been upset some, and she ran to her mom. Who has had a lot of things to say about this. She claims we are being too harsh'."
"You are literally being fair and very lenient. Harsh would be letting your stepdaughter and wife ask for criminal charges to be brought against your daughter for destruction of property and taking her to small claims for damages in addition to restitution."
"Your ex needs to reevaluate what she's teaching your daughter since it sounds like she's reinforcing the jealousy." ~ IamIrene
"NTA. I agree with this comment. You didn't get the cops involved, but could have for what she did. I also would give her the destroyed purse to use after she pays for it as a reminder. Let her stepsister get a nice new one and leave her with her mess since she'll have paid for it." ~ BirdCatLizard
"NTA. She purposefully destroyed an item because she couldn’t have it. Nothing harsh about making her pay for it, her mother is off her rocker thinking Ash is the victim here."
"Ash doesn’t like it now the show is on the other foot, and Emma is getting things she isn’t, and this is time for parenting, not enabling her. She needs to learn to manage her feelings and pay for the damaged item." ~ Cosmicshimmer
"Agree that restitution is the most fair for everyone, but I'd also suggest counseling to counteract the damage your ex is doing by feeding your daughter's inappropriate reactions to someone getting something she doesn't, unless she plans to never go to college, never have roommates, never have a significant other."
"Your daughter's attitude about not being the one to get the 'better' portion is really unhealthy, and violently destroying something that costs thousands of dollars isn't acceptable or typical behavior. That needs to be clinically addressed before she does something she can't come back from." ~ MohawMais
OP took appropriate action for his daughter's destruction. But the underlying issues need to be addressed.
