Being a parent is never easy.
No matter how old they get, there are always new things to learn about your kids.
Is this a new fact that you can relentlessly tease your kid about at the dinner table for years to come... or something that needs quick attending to in a more serious manner?
Case in point...
Redditor Normal_Suggestion276 to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for forcing my son to use a bidet and threatening to talk to his friends or take him to the doctor about his underwear?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"For some reason, my 14-year-old son cannot wipe properly."
"This was never a concern to me as his mom did the laundry."
"Unfortunately she is sick right now, so I have taken over the household chores that she used to handle."
"My son is still responsible for his, and I do mine as well as hers."
"First day I did laundry I gagged and almost puked from his underwear."
"If he were three and not fully potty trained I might understand how they end up like this."
"But he is a healthy young man."
"He should not be leaving his a** this unwiped."
"I talked to him about it, and he said he would make an effort to do a better job. Nope."
"No change in the situation."
"So I went to the hardware store and installed a wand bidet in the bathroom he uses."
"We already have one in ours."
"I told him that he has a choice of either using the bidet or washing his own underwear."
"He doesn't know how to use the washing machine, and he refuses to do them by hand."
"He started going commando."
"Which just meant the problem was his jeans now."
"So I said that we might need to take him to the doctor to see what is wrong with him."
"If it's physical or psychological."
"I also said that the next time his friends were over I was going to ask them if they left their underwear in the same condition."
"I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY EMBARRASS HIM LIKE THAT!!"
"He said I was being an a**hole and he called his mom to tell her what I was doing."
'She said that he was just like that and I could deal with it until she was better."
"I don't think that's a great plan."
"If this kid never learns to wipe his a** he will be bereft of a sexual partner without a poop fetish."
"I'm not kink-shaming him if that's his thing."
"He has started using the bidet, but he says that it is gross and weird."
"I said it was grosser and weirder for a 14-year-old to crap his pants every day."
"We are both stressed about his mom, but this situation isn't because of her."
"I just asked her."
"So AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA – You're The A**hole
NAH – No A**holes Here
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. 14 is a little late in life to be learning how to clean your butt after using the toilet."
"Your wife is doing him no favors by allowing and coddling this behavior." ~ SecretJealous4342
"Straight up: this is a biohazard, and it is unacceptable."
"I would frame it that way."
"To both your wife and your son."
"Like literally there can be health complications from this."
"You're at higher risk for U[rinary] T[rack] I[nfections] and you can spread bacteria."
"Even after she gets better, I would continue to do laundry to make sure she's not just letting it go."
"I would have whatever conversation you need to have to let her know that this is a hill to die on for you, that you are concerned as a parent, and that you (and your son) need her support on this to do what is best for him."
"Also, by the way, studies have shown the washing machine does not wash away all fecal matter."
"So, gross. I would be having a serious conversation with my wife about why this has been allowed to continue and what makes her think it is okay that his underwear consistently looks like this."
"It is literally your job as parents to teach your children how to properly care for themselves, and basic hygiene."
"You can talk about how friends and girls (or boys) will be grossed out, sure, but I think we're beyond that."
"At this point, he's contaminating your damn furniture and putting his own health at risk."
"Tell your son straight: this is not like cleaning your room or taking out the trash."
"This is not a chore."
"This is a non-negotiable must-do for your health, and you're sorry you and his mom were not on top of this sooner."
"Admit that it was an error on your part that it even got to this point."
"Because it was."
"But it can not continue."
"I am a mandated reporter, and if I was made aware something like this was happening, I would be calling to arrange a wellness check and some education for this family."
"Refusing to clean up or regressing in terms of hygiene can be an indicator of sexual abuse."
"When discussing this with him, ask him if there is a reason he is having so much trouble with this.
"Is anyone making him feel uncomfortable?"
"Is anyone approaching him or touching him who shouldn't be?"
"A therapist is probably indicated. And a doctor."
"If nothing comes to light, go into the bathroom and show him how to wipe."
"How to rinse."
"How to check he is clean."
"How to clean in the shower."
"Tell him that if his underwear or clothes continue to look like this that you will begin checking to make sure he has wiped. Every time."
"Find the least invasive way to do so (sniff test, I dunno)."
"Tell him this is not a punishment, and it is not to belittle him, and you don't like it any more than he does."
"But it is your responsibility as a parent to make sure that he is healthy and hygienic, and if he is literally incapable of wiping appropriately that you need to know because you actually need to take him to the doctor." ~ hisuhkwoj
"The other issue here is the wife knew there was a hygiene issue with their son and failed to tell the OP, the father, about it."
"My wife mostly does the laundry (she puts in on and sorts it, I fold it once it's done) in our house."
"But if there were ever an issue, similar to OP's issue for instance, she would tell me straight away and discuss how to resolve the issue, not just hide it and hope it fixes itself."
"OP, you are NTA in my opinion."
"You need to sit both wife and son down and discuss ways to remedy the problem as it is problematic both for a hygienic reason but also for health reasons for everyone involved."
"You also need to find out why your wife has not been telling you about issues involving your son and if is there anything else she hasn't told you." ~ dadoftriplets
"Can't tell from your post if you've had the 'son if you think you ever want to get laid you need to clean your a** because *no one*, of any gender, will want to do it with you if you can't wipe your a**.'"
"That talk but that might be helpful."
"As might an exploration as to whether this is some weird homophobia thing (some young straight men are of the apparent impression that touching your butthole = gay)."
"NTA... for this exactly but HEAVY side eye to you, for somehow not knowing about this because you apparently need a woman to do the laundry for you."
"To your wife, for ignoring the fact that her 14-year-old son is essentially sh*tting himself, and to both of you for not teaching your child how to do his own laundry or chores- hardly surprising he's an entitled little, er, sh*t who 'refuses' to learn basic adulting skills." ~ Dimension597
"I'm surprised his friends haven't started calling him out for always smelling like poop."
"NTA. But by 14, he should be learning to do his own laundry in addition to being able to wipe his own butt."
"And no, you're not doing him any favors by letting this continue."
"I would haul my kid in to see a doctor if he really doesn't think this is a problem, doesn't start taking care of it."
"Besides being gross, it could cause skin breakdown and nasty infections."
"If he can't wipe, then he should be getting checked regularly for skin deterioration." ~ vomitthewords
"NTA. Though you and your wife are a**holes for allowing it to get to this point."
"This is a severe hygiene problem, and one that is likely to hurt him both socially and professionally if allowed to continue."
"Your approach might not have been ideal, but it is understandable."
"Take him to a doctor."
"And a therapist."
"Oh, and most importantly, stop washing his shi**y clothing."
"WTF is wrong with you?"
"If there is s**t on his clothing, he gets to wash it."
"You need to fix this problem and also stop enabling it - yesterday." ~ EchoKiloEcho1
"NTA. You also need to tell him eventually, if it's not happening already... other kids might start smelling it."
"Ask him if he even knows how to actually wipe?"
"Maybe you need to show him how to properly do it... if he's 14 and can't manage it, maybe he wasn't taught the correct way." ~ Beautiful_Pants
Well OP, Reddit is concerned.
Sounds like a family meeting is in order.
And maybe a trip to the doctor.
Good luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp