Finalizing a guest list for a wedding is never as easy as one hopes it will be.
As be it for budgetary reasons, or owing to limitations from the venue, some people simply aren't going to make the cut.
In some cases, it can be pretty easy to decide who is worthy of an invite (and the per-head catering cost that comes with it), and who isn't.
Unfortunately, some people who don't end up receiving a wedding invitation often still expect one to come, and are not too pleased to discover they were left out.
Redditor Educational_Dinner33 was finalizing her wedding guest list with her fiancé.
Following a recent unfortunate episode, the original poster (OP) and her fiancé eventually found themselves deciding not to invite a close family member of the OP's.
Upon learning this news, this excluded family member, and several other members of the OP's family, wasted no time in sharing their shock and anger with the OP over her decision.
Having some doubts about her decision, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding after she made a scene at my engagement party?"
The OP explained why she made the decision not to invite her sister to her wedding:
"Last year, at my engagement party, my sister (who has a history of being the center of attention) made a scene."
"Despite knowing that my fiancé and I wanted a low-key celebration, she loudly complained about the venue, the food, and even our decision to have a child-free event, which upset several guests and overshadowed the occasion."
"We tried to calm her down and asked her privately to respect our wishes, but she accused us of excluding her and being selfish."
"Given this, my fiancé and I decided not to invite her to our wedding to prevent a similar situation."
"We want our wedding day to be peaceful and focused on celebrating our love without any drama."
"However, when she found out she wasn't invited, she was devastated and reached out to family members to say how hurt she was, making me out to be the bad guy."
"Now, our parents are pressuring us to reconsider, saying family should be together on such occasions and that excluding her could cause irreparable damage to our relationship."
"I feel torn because I understand the importance of family, but I also believe our wedding day should be about us and not managing potential disruptions."
"AITA for choosing to exclude her to keep our wedding day drama-free?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
The Reddit community unanimously agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for not inviting her sister to her wedding.
Everyone agreed that the OP had every right to want her wedding to be drama free, and her sister's behavior at her engagement party more than justified her being excluded from the OP's wedding:
"NTA."
"First of all, INCLUDING her could cause irreparable damage to your relationship."
"If she causes a scene again, you aren't ever going to forget that she ruined your wedding."
"Second, 'such occasions' should include those who love and honor the couple getting married, and your sister has already demonstrated that she isn't one of those people."
"Third, she didn't apologize for her behavior or even think anything was wrong with how she was acting, so there's zero evidence she won't behave poorly again."
"Finally, do not invite her."
"You can let your parents know that your sister never apologized for how she acted at the engagement party, and they never pressured her to take any accountability for her actions, but are not pressuring you to include her."
"That isn't fair."
"If they want a happy family, then they should have been doing the work to make that happen, not just excusing your sister for her actions and pressuring you to be the bigger person/not make a big deal/whatever."
"Even if she apologizes now, it is too late, because it wouldn't be out of genuine remorse, but out of not wanting to face consequences."
"Please, do yourself a big favor."
"No, she isn't invited, no this isn't up for conversation, yes she will be kicked out if she comes (security at the venue or a few friends ready to act so you don't have to deal with it."
"Tell your parents what I said above and make it clear the decision is final and you won't be speaking about it anymore, not to them or anyone else."
"If anyone brings it up, have a brief canned answer 'she had a meltdown at our engagement party, has not apologized, she isn't invited, I hope we can work on our relationship but my wedding isn't the time for that, and I don't really want to talk about it because how she acted is really painful for me'."
"And then do not engage in any further conversation- walk away, change the subject, literally don't respond if people won't let it go."
"You will be happier just being decisive, firm, and not engaging."- mfruitfly
"NTA."
"The older I get, the more I like the City Hall option."- RoyallyOakie
"NTA."
"'We want our wedding day to be peaceful and focused on celebrating our love without any drama'."
"Exactly."
"'She loudly complained about the venue, the food, and even our decision to have a child-free event, which upset several guests and overshadowed the occasion'."
"So the polar opposite of what you want."
"It's your day & you can invite who you choose."
"Can your parents absolutely 100% guarantee sister is going to behave & not try to be the center of attention/ruin things?"
"If not, go with what you & your fiancé want."- Apart-Ad-6518
"You know her, so you already know what will happen the day of your wedding if she is there."
"I can feel the second-hand embarrssment from here."
"Also, complaining about other people's events/celebrations is really poor taste."
"NTA."- ConfusedGranny0
"NTA."
"Ask your parents what they will do to guarantee your sister WON'T make a scene at your wedding, and what they will do when she inevitably does."
"Further, advise them that IF you invite your sister, and WHEN she creates a scene, that it WILL cause irreparable damage to your relationship with both your sister and your parents."- DrTeethPhD
"NTA."
"Your sister is already causing drama by complaining about you to family and putting your parents in the middle."
"Perhaps you could try an alternative response, something that will take your parents and sister by surprise."
"Instead of looking guilty and explaining yourself to family you could reply 'this is exactly why I don't trust her to behave', 'This is why she's not invited, she's gossiping and complaining about me' and 'If she doesn't smarten up this won't be the only thing she's not invited too' and convey that it's on her to get back into your good graces and not on you to fix the situation."
"Yeah a little well placed impatience and anger at sister's antics instead of guilt will arm you ahead of the wedding."- Firm-Molasses-4913
"NTA."
"People are always so surprised and 'hurt' when their actions have consequences?"
"You deserve a day for yourself drama free."- Yay4Amanda
"NTA.
"First and foremost, someone being family doesn't automatically entitle them to access to you or your life events, especially when it's someone who is unwilling to respect your boundaries and wishes."
"As for not being invited to your wedding, your sister is facing the consequences of her actions."
"Given her actions at your engagement party, she has made it clear that she can't be trusted to behave appropriately, and I can't blaming you for not wanting to risk her causing a scene at your wedding."- Glitter_Voldemort
"NTA."
";My sister's behavior at my engagement party was, by any measurable standard, absolutely unacceptable'."
"'We envision our wedding day being peaceful, joyful, and without dramatic outbursts'."
"'She has done nothing since that day to show us that she will not ruin our wedding in the same way'."
"'If you believe so strongly that she should be in attendance, I suggest you find a way to guarantee she will behave appropriately'."
"'Since you cannot, you need to stay out of it'."- StacyB125
"NTA."
"And you're giving her the perfect opportunity to have the attention on her all day, just somewhere else other than your wedding."
"Being related doesn't give you a free pass to bring the drama to everyone else's special occasions."- Sloppypoopypoppy
"NTA."
"Inviting your Sister to your wedding will be enabling her poor behavior as she played her hand at your engagement party.... she needs to learn to accept the consequences."
"If your Parents' can't see this, then they are just as bad as her."
"Maybe they need to be uninvited too."- OnlymyOP
It's never a good feeling to be excluded.
Especially by your own family, let alone your siblings.
That being said, the OP's sister needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around her.
One can only hope that her lack of a wedding invitation would be the wake up call she needed.
New Mom Irate After Father-In-Law Ruins Her Birthday With 'Vulgar' Comment About Her Breasts
There's nothing quite like the feeling of going through all the work to prepare a fun celebration, just for someone to undo it with an unkind or gross comment.
That feeling just gets worse when it's your birthday, and that comment was made by someone who's supposed to care about you, sympathized the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Rude-Pepper-2389 had recently given birth and decided to have a special birthday celebration to reconnect with her loved ones after becoming a mom.
When her father-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and then made comments about her body, the Original Poster (OP) was left so uncomfortable that it ruined the whole celebration for her.
She asked the sub:
The OP wanted to have a special birthday celebration after her baby was born.
"I currently have a five-month-old and haven’t really been taking care of myself or dressing up since having the baby."
"It’s my (25 Female) birthday, and we were having friends over at our house for a private dinner to celebrate."
"My husband (24 Male) and I have been together since we were 18."
"I decided to put on this new silk shirt I got, which, admittedly, was low-cut, but I felt cute in it and felt comfortable around the friends we were having over."
Everything was fine until the OP's father-in-law (FIL) stopped by unexpectedly.
"My husband's dad decided to stop by on his way home from work."
"I will say, he was likely drunk. He works two hours away and proudly told my husband he's down to only four beers on his drive home each day... so, that's healthy."
"When he came in, I was on the couch with my baby propped up beside me, bottle feeding him. Keep in mind, I am not breastfeeding, so no, my breasts are not any larger right now."
"My husband's dad leaned down to look at the baby and then suddenly shouted, 'D**n, son, she could knock you out with those things in bed! Like cracking two coconuts together.'"
"This was fully and undoubtedly in reference to my breasts."
The OP was shocked by the comment and very uncomfortable.
"It made me deeply uncomfortable and embarrassed."
"I was so stunned, I couldn’t even process what he said to me, and our friends just stared at me, blinking."
"He’s a redneck, so he's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years, but this just seems to take the cake, as it was the first time it was directed at me."
"When he stepped out, I told my husband he needed to speak to him, and that the comment wasn’t okay."
"I went to change clothes and decided to never ever wear that shirt again."
"When I brought it up to my husband, he said he didn't hear the comment at first, but then he laughed when I told him what he said. He's always laughed when he feels awkward and has always had a hard time standing up to his parents in any capacity."
"When he and my father-in-law spoke, my FIL just said, 'I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know how she can be,' which just feels even more like I’m just being dramatic."
"Since then, I think my husband just wants me to drop it and move on, truthfully."
The OP wasn't sure what to do after what happened.
"This genuinely ruined my entire night. Am I just too sensitive, or was this an inappropriate thing to say?"
"There's also been no apology since then. This happened on Thursday, and then my father-in-law came by again on Friday with flowers to wish me a happy Mother's Day before Mother's Day Sunday."
"I think that was his way of trying to just breeze past the awkwardness. He's never gotten me a gift the whole seven years I've known him, so the flowers were odd. But I still feel really uncomfortable."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that her father-in-law's comments were rude and just plain creepy.
"NOR at all. That was really rude of him. Anyone would be offended." - Bookbringer
"NOR. That’s firmly in the category of what should be an 'inside thought,' and we should learn what those are at a much younger age than this guy is."
"F**king h**l, this is an absolutely mental thing to say out loud, let alone to your daughter-in-law." - Electronic-Fennel828
"FIL is an AH. I love that you think his being a redneck excuses it, but d**n. Even rednecks should know better than to speak that way to their son's wife."
"What does your husband have to say? Does he understand how breath-takingly rude his father was, or is he Team 'That's Just How He Is'?"
"I'd go very low contact with the old perv. NOR, he put you in an uncomfortable position with his crude remark. Is he married? I'd tell the MIL. I'd tell the whole family. Yes, it's embarrassing, but he is the one who should be embarrassed. Don't accept his non-apology." - Top-Bit85
"Maybe I’m desensitized after having large breasts since I was 13 (I’m 28 now), but I let out a little snort based on how immature of a joke it was. I’d simply tell FIL, 'Yes, I know, my boobs are big,' and move on."
"That said, I would never make such a comment about another person's body. Just because I'm technically fine with it doesn't mean I assume anyone else is!"
"Not everyone is the same, and if OP felt uncomfortable, she’s NOR. Her body, her boundaries." - Both_Original2094
"I’m sorry. That’s upsetting. My father is like this with his father. Even if it’s very offensive comments, he’s uncomfortable and has problems confronting him. It sounds like your husband isn’t going to have a talk with him, which is hurtful."
"I would explain to your husband how uncomfortable the situation was for you and that it’s a serious matter, especially if it happens again. And if he still tries to brush it off, then I would tell him you no longer want your FIL coming to your home."
"It’s your life, too, and he’s not the one being hurt here, you are." - w_coastultraviolence
Others were specifically angry about the tactics the father-in-law used to try to get out of trouble.
"Seriously? Saying 'I know how she can be' is a classic way to blame the victim for having boundaries. It’s your birthday, not a Hooters convention. What a creep. If he can’t look at the baby without checking out your breast, he shouldn't be invited to the house." - Specific_Parsnip3264
"'I know how she can be' is so f**ked up. He's the one being a disgusting person. You need to shine up your husband's spine to properly call him out at the time next time, because there will be a next time." - dancepantz
"The bit that pisses me off the most is, 'I know how she can be,' which is his way of making it her problem that she doesn't like her FiL sexualising her in front of her friends." - Outside-Partait-8935
"The 'joke' comment is gross, but that follow-up comment is infuriating. NOR, OP. But this guy will be in your life for a while, so firmly & calmly shutting this stuff down is completely appropriate."
"I'd wear the d**n shirt again to the next family function and look him right in the eyes next time!" - RationalFish
"When we let things like this slide for others, it's not long before it ends up on our doorstep, and of course, nobody says anything because keeping the peace is the norm. It doesn't have to be getting into their face and yelling abuse back. Just a comment such as, 'Well, that's super tacky to say,' or asking them why they'd say that." - Kattnapped
"The OP said, 'He's said some pretty vulgar stuff over the years... but this is the first time it was directed to me.'"
"Normalise calling stuff out when they are talking about others, and they won't feel so comfortable saying it to you."
"It's a gross thing for him to say, but I guess him buying you flowers is his way of saying sorry."
"Sounds like you are in the situation of a lot of new mothers, where you suddenly realise this stuff matters because you want better influences for your child, and better support for yourself. NOR." - Jumpy-Jello-
Now, about that shirt...
"Please re-think your decision to never wear the cute shirt again, girl!! It's something that you liked very much because it made you feel good about yourself. Don't let some backwoods id**t ruin that for you."
"Wear that shirt till it's worn out and can't be worn anymore!! You should be able to feel good about yourself in whatever you like to wear."
"Your husband should have immediately checked his father, not waited until he was told to do so after his father left the room. In front of everyone there, your husband should have told his father not to ever speak about you or to you in that kind of manner, and if his father doesn't like it, he knows where the door is."
"Hubby should have called him out for his response as well. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You were not the problem; his dad was. This comes down to your husband needing to protect his wife, and he didn't do that." - Lynzo141982
"If he is a redneck, like you said, he won't outright apologize, but flowers are his way of saying sorry."
"I hope he won't say anything again, or else you can expect a nicely tended garden for at least a year."
"About your top, I hope you can wear it again. It takes a lot to feel cute, being a new mum."
"If not, get some fabric dye, dye the top a different color, and embroider a flower on it. This makes the top new, different, and every time you wear it, you can use the mantra ... I'm cute, I don't care what anyone says."
"You've got this!!" - No_Kangaroo_6637
Even if the father-in-law was joking and meant no harm, this is one of those situations where he needs to admit that his joke did not land well, he did cause harm, and he needs to apologize. Just because some people enjoy joking in that manner does not mean that everyone will be comfortable with it, and it's important to respect everyone's boundaries and zones of comfort.