Sometimes people can't help but take advantage of kindness.
Maybe it's a character flaw, or maybe it's sheer entitlement.
The person on the receiving end, who is doing the giving, always has a choice.
Often... the choices don't make anyone feel good.
Redditor ConstantAny273 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for refusing to spend another day helping with my best friend's wedding after feeling taken for granted?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"This is more of an ethical dilemma than a fight."
"I (F[emale] 26) have been best friends with 'Adam' (M[ale] 28) for years."
"He's getting married in two weeks, and I've been helping with the pre-wedding events wherever I can."
"For context, I'm not a designer or wedding planner."
"I just have a decent eye for aesthetics and know my way around Canva."
"To help them save money, I volunteered to design their digital invites."
"The first invite involved lots of revisions because family members kept remembering things they wanted added after it was supposedly final."
"Before making the second invite, I specifically asked them to confirm all the content."
"The bride sent me the text she wanted, and I used exactly that."
'Adam did not check with his family properly, and revisions were needed again."
"After I sent the final version, Adam messaged our group chat asking, 'Where's the date on this invite?'"
"I was amused that everyone missed it despite so many versions and told him that it must have been missed because it wasn't in the content I'd been given."
"He replied, 'Yeah, but that was common sense. You should've added it.'"
"That stung because I hadn't even gotten a thank you, but blame was allotted rather quickly."
"I apologized anyway to avoid drama in the group; he said it’s ok and moved on."
"Later I told him privately that I didn't like how he'd spoken to me."
"He said he wasn't blaming me, then added, 'Why should I say thank you? Of course you'd do this for me. You're my best friend.'"
"Yesterday (Saturday) he asked me to help with the wedding décor because he wasn't happy with what the decorators had planned."
"Last minute, when all families were there already, I was asked to quickly come down."
"I spent 5 hours at the venue, and my inputs were the ones we finally chose."
"When I left, he mentioned they might meet the decorator again today."
"This morning (Sunday) he called asking, 'Aren't you coming?'"
"I told him I already had lunch plans."
"He seemed surprised and said he thought it was obvious I'd be there because I'm 'the designer.'"
"I'm not a designer."
"I'm just a friend who's been helping."
"There have also been smaller things that add to this feeling."
"Yesterday he was supposed to drop off my iPad."
"He asked me to come downstairs, then completely forgot to stop at my place, leaving me waiting outside in the heat for 20 minutes before his driver eventually brought it back."
"He's an only child, and I've always treated him like the sibling he never had."
"I genuinely enjoy showing up for my friends, and if he'd been showing more gratitude, I'd probably have gone."
"But lately it feels less like, 'Would you mind helping?' and more like, 'Of course you're doing this.'"
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for not going to today's meeting to save my Sunday for me and feeling bothered that my time and effort seem to be expected rather than appreciated?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. Have a face-to-face discussion with him; otherwise, it will escalate further." ~ Riyokosan
"This. OP needs to have a talk with him about everything."
"She has her own life, and she’s not even getting paid, so the entitlement is wild." ~ Kisses4Kimmy
"I was initially surprised his fiancée tolerates him having you (a 2-year-younger-than-him-girl when he is a guy) as his best friend."
"But then, as I read your post, I realised why she tolerates it: because he treats you like a servant (and not like a 'friend' that he is secretly pining for, and not even like a friend that he is not secretly pining for)."
"Try and do as little as possible for him now. NTA." ~ Think-Corner-3232
"NTA. They're acting as if you're a professional, but you're not."
"Actually, whenever it's convenient to them for you to be categorized as a professional, they act as if you're a professional (AKA the constant revisions and assumptions of your time and energy); whenever it's convenient for them for you to be categorized as a friend helping out, they act as if you're a friend helping out (AKA they don't pay you, they are rude to you)."
"And in both roles, they are very ungrateful."
"I say this gently, but Adam and his family do not understand how much work you have given them, or respect how much time you have put into this already."
"Your contributions are invisible and taken for granted. You own all the mistakes, and you are not the reason for any of the successes."
You are NTA for stepping out of the constant stream of wedding preparations." ~ whatnooh
"NTA, you need to have a 'come to Jesus' talk with him - no matter how obliged someone is to help you, or whether you assume someone 'of course' will help you, you still say thank you!!"
"This is incredibly rude of him to never say thank you."
"And on top of that, he's not doing the little things you've asked of him that make your job easier OR bothered to even give you a warning ahead of time when there's a meeting, or bother to ASK you to join!?!"
"No, I'd be done."
"Regardless of the conversation you have with him (or don't), you should start imposing boundaries."
"You are never available on less than 24 hr notice."
"If he calls, you don't answer; just text "can't speak right now, what's up?"
"And dont answer immediately" ~ SafetyFluid8535
"Every year for my birthday, my best friend gets me my favorite donut."
"Sometimes it's the morning of, sometimes it's the night before or the day after, but she never forgets."
"And you know what I have never said?"
"'Of course you're going to do this for me.'"
"I just feel grateful to have such a thoughtful friend."
"And this is a freaking donut."
"There is no excuse for this kind of entitlement in a friendship."
"This person does not appreciate you."
"When people tell you who they are, believe them." ~ WildOneM13
"NTA. I’d step back."
"You already told him how his behavior made you feel, and instead of apologizing or showing appreciation, he doubled down and acted like your help was automatically owed to him."
"Keep your lunch plans and let him handle the wedding arrangements he chose not to properly organize." ~ Maleficent-Shop-7178
"NTA. This man is not treating you with respect or love towards you or what you do for him."
"That's not a friend, that's a client. If that's how he wants to behave, maybe a bill for your services might be necessary."
"His expectations of what he wants you to do are not okay and are not what a friend should do to another friend." ~ EyeConstant1216
"Of course you would do his bidding however and whenever he wants???"
"And he has no reason to be grateful???"
"This person isn't your friend, and his family and fiancée are users too."
"Stop being involved in the wedding."
"Whether you go or not, don't spend any additional time or money on these people."
"You are supposedly his friend, not an indentured servant.
"NTA." ~ Jealous-Contract7426
"You feel taken advantage of because you were unclear about what you volunteered to do."
"In your mind, you volunteered to help design the invitation once, not repeatedly, and not to proofread it. However, you didn't make that clear."
"In your friend's mind, you volunteered to make the perfect invitation, and of course that includes revisions and proofreading vital information."
"In your friend's mind, he asked you to help make the flowers perfect."
"And of course, a meeting with the person actually doing the flowers would be needed."
"In your mind, you volunteered to help once and done."
"Your communication style is different and unclear."
"You are acting taken advantage of, but the issue is a lack of clarity." ~ Witty_Candle_3448
"NTA, but it's not the greatest idea to volunteer to help with this kind of wedding planning, unless you're prepared exactly for this."
"For better or worse, heh, the bride and groom get to make their wedding day and wedding all about them."
"It's a lot of work."
"On top of the actual couple, you also have parents and other family needing to get involved."
"Next time, get them a nice gift but don't volunteer for a job where you could be 1000% perfect and still get grief."
"Another option is to volunteer to pay for their invites." ~ authorinthesunset
"For better or worse, just like a marriage, you are in this now."
"Eventually, they will run out of things to revise and get married, so accept the fact that they can't get to the finish line without you."
"Don't expect much in the way of thanks, but know that the fact that they are depending on you is as close to showing appreciation as they can come until the wedding is over." ~ Aggravating-Mix-4903
Reddit understands your feelings, OP.
Your friend is out of line.
A simple thank you wouldn't kill him.
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp