Having an estranged parent can be very difficult for a child.
A lot of their actions, or inactions, can leave a lot of emotional scars.
So it isn't always easy for the child to just welcome the missing parent back without boundaries.
If they want them back at all.
Redditor Maximum_Committee146 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback, so naturally, he came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
He asked:
"AITA for telling my dad I don't want him at my graduation after he missed everything else?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I'll try to keep this short because honestly even writing it out is stressing me out."
"I (22 M[ale]) graduate in three weeks."
"Five years of college, one of them being an extra year I had to tack on after switching majors, working part-time the whole way through."
"It wasn't easy, and I'm genuinely proud of finishing."
"My parents divorced when I was fourteen."
"My dad moved to another city about a year after that."
"We stayed in contact, but it was always inconsistent, like I'd hear from him regularly for a few months and then nothing for a while."
"He missed my high school graduation because he had a work thing."
"He didn't come to my 21st birthday, sent a card."
"When I got my first real internship, I called him to tell him, and he said he'd call me back and didn't for two weeks."
"Last month he called me out of nowhere, really excited, saying he already booked flights for my graduation and got a hotel and he can't wait to see me walk."
"I didn't say anything for a second, and then I told him I didn't think that was a good idea."
"He went completely silent."
"Then said he thought I'd be happy."
"I told him I'm glad he wanted to come, but I've had a lot of big moments he wasn't there for, and graduation feels like something I want to share with people who have actually been around."
"He called my aunt who called my mom who called me."
"Now my mom, who has every reason to be on my side, is saying I'm being too hard on him and that he's trying."
"Maybe he is trying."
"But I've been waiting for that for eight years."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the Ahole.
"NTA. Showing up once doesn’t erase eight years of being absent." ~ QualityOk9334
"The first thing Dad needs to do is take ownership."
"Ask for forgiveness and let OP have space."
"If he truly loved his daughter, he would respect her wishes."
"And if he wants to heal that relationship, he will hear his daughter, and from there they can begin." ~ SatoriNamast3
"Exactly. Showing up for the photo op at the finish line doesn’t fix missing the entire race."
"OP spent years getting ghosted for work stuff, birthdays, and major achievements."
"He built a life without his dad’s support."
"It makes total sense why having him there now just feels performative rather than genuine. NTA." ~ actual_virelle_26
"NTA. Just as actions have consequences, inaction does also."
"His years of inaction have caught up with him." ~ Wonderful_Two_6710
"NTA, too little too late."
"He wants to come in now at the last minute and act like he had anything to do with your success?"
"You’ve accomplished something awesome, and you should only celebrate it with the people you want to celebrate with." ~ MsMourningStar
"NTA. He wants to congratulate himself on his success in having a clever child, not congratulate you for surviving without him."
"If he wants a relationship with you, he can start putting the work in now."
"And that includes listening to what you want." ~ abitofasitdown
"What strikes me the most is the complete lack of accountability."
"He could have apologized."
"He could have admitted that what you said was true."
"He could have made an empty promise to change - or a real one followed up by actions that supported the claim in an attempt to heal your relationship over time."
"But nope."
"This doorknob instead attempts to manipulate you through your loved ones by triangulating them against you."
"Because god forbid he have to feel bad about the natural consequences of his actions for one single second."
"No, dad can't feel bad; only you are allowed to feel bad."
"That's the rules."
"Congrats on your achievement, sorry your dad sucks." ~ backupbit*hes
"NTA. It’s your graduation; you decide who gets to attend."
"If you believe he doesn’t deserve to be there, then he doesn’t deserve to be there."
"End of story."
"He didn’t care about your feelings when he kept missing milestones, so why should you care about his in this situation?"
"Also, congratulations!!!"
"This internet stranger is very proud of you for graduating; have the best time!" ~ sarasixx
"NTA... Wasn't there when things weren't as easy or fun, so he shouldn't expect to be there for the fun." ~ Appropriate-Mall9781
"NTA. So, he triangulated your mom and aunt into his problem, and she is now doing his bidding by making you feel bad about your own graduation."
"She’s paying his debts again to escape guilt or deal with him."
"Tell her this."
"He probably called her and blamed your decision on her."
"You and your mom need to talk about this because he’s a HUGE AH." ~ sneksnacc
"Also, upon adulthood, a parent no longer gets to issue commands or unduly influence your relationship with another parent, or for that matter any family member."
"I doubt your opinion featured much in their divorce."
"This is a grown-up moment requiring a focus on your independent identity and trusting your own feelings."
"Kindly but firmly let anyone who tries to intervene understand that they have no say about this." ~ kindlystranger
"NTA. Your dad just wants to take credit for your success."
"He wasn't there for a lot of accomplishments in your life." ~ Major-Check-1953
"NTA. Your father is now facing the consequences of his lack of action."
"To be blunt, your father should be more mature than to cry to your aunt and your mother to try to get you to change your mind."
"He should put on his big boy pants and accept what you said."
"And your mom is not correct - he is not trying."
"He wants to show up and pretend that he has been a good father to you for the past 8 years, not try to rebuild what he has been ignoring all this time."
"If he really wants to try, then he will show up between these big events to actually get to know you."
"What you said was completely justified, and it's about time your father heard the truth." ~ bamf1701
"I didn’t invite my father to mine; he found out about it afterwards."
"When he asked why not, I explained my exact thought process - the specific incident where he ruined my last high school awards night by being nasty right before I went on stage."
"Then I asked him what support he had provided throughout my study; he couldn’t name anything."
"I did offer to send the link to the livestream that was still up at the time, then forgot."
"It wasn’t intentional; he just wasn’t a priority."
"It’s your accomplishment, not his."
"It’s your decision and any reason is valid. NTA." ~ QualityMeerkat
"One person made a comment, yeah, invite after the graduation and say you'd like to get to know him again little by little, but for him jumping in right now not really feeling like it's needed so if you want to connect that maybe you can after my graduation and we can see how things work out." ~ jonahtrav
"NTA. Life is about choices; he just chose wrong or chose not to make it up."
"Literally only a card for 21?!"
"Nope, he set his own boundaries when he did nothing or little for other milestones - you're just helping him keep those boundaries." ~ DocHoliday_69
"NTA. You did the work, and he has never supported you (financially, mentally, and emotionally) while you did the work to become the college-educated young man you are now."
"Your mom may have the best of intentions, but the fact of the matter is your dad has seen a relationship with you as optional, and now he shouldn’t get to celebrate an achievement that he had less than nothing to do with."
"It’s good that you’re mature and you’ve let him know that you’re not going to accept scraps that he deems to throw your way and that you now too see your relationship with him as optional."
"It’s something that your dad wants out of this (bragging rights to his friends or family, recognition even though he did nothing to help you succeed along the way)."
"Don’t fall for his tricks."
"If he wanted to be there for your college graduation, maybe he should’ve been there and supporting you through the last 8 years."
"I wish you well and congratulations!" ~ FitSprinkles6307
"NTA - this grown man went crying to his sister who then brought in his ex?"
"Pathetic."
"At least now we've confirmed he DOES know how to make timely phone calls."
"Where was that enthusiasm all the times he failed to show up?"
"His solution was to send people actually involved in your life to guilt you."
"It wasn't to process what you said and then offer ways to reconnect."
"He sure is motivated when he WANTS to do something."
"What does that tell us about all those prior events?"
"These are not the behaviors of someone who actually feels bad for not showing up."
"Tell your mom her judgment isn't always the best when it comes to your dad, hence him being an ex-husband and lousy father."
"She should sit this one out." ~ MixWitch
Reddit has your back, OP.
This is YOUR big day.
You do what makes you feel best.
Congratulations.
