Couples are told before they enter a marriage that they'll be expected to be there for each other through everything, including in sickness and in health.
But not enough people consider the fact that these vows should also include their future children, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor Swimming_Abalone_518 was becoming increasingly concerned about their six-year-old son's health, who may have had multiple undiagnosed seizure episodes.
When they hesitated to wake their husband for help, the Original Poster (OP) was struck by the fact that their husband was more concerned about getting a full night's rest than making sure their son was okay.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting about my husband's reaction to our son having a possible seizure and what it says about our marriage?"
The OP was suspicious that their six-year-old son was having seizures and was trying to get him medical care.
"Last night around 1:30 AM, our 6-year-old had another really scary episode in his sleep."
"He suddenly got really stiff, arched his back, screeched, started thrashing around, and doing these bicycle-kicking movements with his legs. It lasted around 40 seconds and then just stopped."
"I was present for it, because he'd been having nightmares and asked me to sleep with him."
"He’s had a few similar episodes before, so I’ve been recording them because I’m worried they could be seizures. We don’t know for sure yet what they are, but I'm documenting."
The OP was appalled when their husband wanted to put his night's sleep first.
"I woke my husband (of 15 years) up because I was scared and wanted him to see the video of it."
"He was immediately annoyed that I woke him up. Later, he told me that because he had been in a deep sleep, I should have given him like 30 seconds to wake up before I started talking to him."
"Then I showed him the video, and he immediately said it was just a night terror and basically dismissed the whole thing (even though his pediatrician agrees they may be seizures)."
"I wasn’t expecting him to diagnose our son. I wasn’t expecting him to fix anything. I just wanted him to act like, 'Oh s**t, that’s scary. Is he okay?' Instead, I somehow ended up feeling like I had done something wrong by waking him up."
The OP was becoming increasingly concerned about their husband's list of boundaries.
"Then this morning one of the first things he said to me was, 'Don’t wake me up.'"
"This also isn’t completely out of nowhere."
"He’s told me before that if something happens at home while he’s at work, where he is a waiter, even an emergency, I shouldn’t call him because there’s nothing he can do and I should just call 911 instead. He mostly has his phone off or not on him either."
It was just another problem in a sea of problems in their marriage.
"When I told him that his reaction last night kind of revealed something bigger to me about our marriage and how unsupported I feel, he told me I was being dramatic and sensitive."
"We’re already having marriage problems due to caregiver fatigue since our son is also level-three Autistic, ADHD, and nonverbal, and we are about to start counseling."
"A big issue between us is that whenever I tell him something he did hurt me, I feel like I have to prove it."
"It becomes, 'That didn’t happen,' 'I didn’t mean it that way,' 'You’re too sensitive,' a comment about something about my mental health, or 'Well, you do things, too.' Eventually he apologizes, but most of the time, I just feel relieved the argument is over. I don’t actually feel understood."
The OP felt increasingly conflicted.
"I know being woken up suddenly at 1:30 in the morning sucks. I know people are groggy and cranky when they wake up. And I know this may end up being something other than seizures."
"But I needed my husband, and I didn't get that. I didn't get support, love, or kindness. I got, 'Leave me alone,' and, 'You're being dramatic; basically don't bother me anymore.'"
"But I keep coming back to the same thing: I woke my husband up because I was scared something was seriously wrong with our child, and somehow the conversation became about how I woke him up wrong."
"Am I overreacting for feeling like that says something really bad about our marriage? I feel like this said so much about it."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some were disgusted by the OP's husband's sense of priorities.
"NOR. Your husband is more worried about his uninterrupted sleep than his own kid. That's pretty pathetic." - CrabbiestAsp
"It's hard not to notice he focused on the interruption instead of the scary situation with his own kid."
"Also, if you were to ever need it, caregiver support is real... and he's clearly not there for you, either." - SSSprings0808
"NOR. You can't rely on him to prioritize your needs or your son's over his own. And he was MEAN to you. That's never okay, but especially not during your child's moment of need and your moment of emotional vulnerability." - radnrd
"He resents the situation for having the child situation you have. He takes it out on you because he can't on the child. He's an a**hole, and you both deserve so much better than him and his hateful entitlement." - delacroixanddora
"My wife woke me up out of a dead sleep when our dog had his first seizure, and I sprang up to make sure he was okay."
"I don't think you are overreacting." - Agile-Classroom7890
"NOR. I have a disabled child who is prone to seizures. They are terrifying to endure as a parent."
"My initial reaction, as we learned of our son’s disability, was that I was slower to accept than my wife. That doesn’t mean I ignored or downplayed, but I wanted more evidence and more medical workup before a label was applied. That doesn’t sound like what you’re experiencing. He appears to be trying to ignore it, with little interest in diagnosis."
"Now, I’d agree, if a seizure were occurring and I wasn’t home (this has happened), I should be the second call after 911, but I should be called. I need to go and be with my child. I need to support my wife, and she needs to support me."
"I see two possibilities. (1) He doesn’t care, and is psychotically selfish. (2) He is struggling to accept what is happening to their child, and is doing so in a harmful way."
"If the latter, it’s a condition he (and you) have to find a way to address. If the former, I don’t know how a person could care for a child with needs with that kind of partner."
"Even the latter, it would take a very special kind of person, who wants to work through those issues and master them, before they'd be a suitable caregiver to that child." - Steve-Dickman
Others agreed and hoped the OP would take action, based on what they were noticing.
"Oh my gods. Girl... I think you'd be far better off being a single parent than trying to parent with somebody who isn't the least bit interested or supportive of you OR your child."
"NOR." - CrowMeris
"NOR. You are unsupported by your spouse. Assume he will not change, and figure out what you’re going to do about it."
"I’d start with the pediatrician for the seizures. They may have a lead on support groups, too." - elainegeorge
"I used to waiter. We weren't allowed to have our phones in the building with us. I would be really surprised if your husband would be allowed. If there was an emergency, someone would have needed to call the restaurant to reach me."
"That said, it doesn't sound like your husband likes you very much. It could be stress or overwork, but if he's not willing to participate in family counseling, I would consider leaving him, if it were me."
"NOR, in my opinion." - autaire
"NOR, but you shouldn't be thinking, 'What it says about your marriage.' It should be, 'What it says about him as a father,' in that he's not a very good one." - Min_sora
"NOR. From my perspective, OP's husband isn't even a good human. I can't imagine trying to deal with someone who completely lacks empathy for a child's health." - No-BS4me
"Being a caregiver is really hard. Being a caregiver with a non-supportive partner is harder."
"NOR. I wonder if it would be easier to parent your special needs child alone. It seems like you are sorting through his needs on your own anyway, and your husband is just adding stress (to an already stressful situation)." - Emotional_Base_9021
"NOR. Your husband doesn’t like you or your kid. He thinks he’s important and deserves better."
"Will you choose to stay with the person I just described? Why?" - SignificantPay5217
The subreddit saw bright red flags all over this situation, especially the fact that the husband seemed to prioritize his sleep above all else and seemed to harbor resentful feelings toward the OP, which he was redirecting onto their child and their child's health.
None of this was a concoction to brew a healthy marriage, let alone a safe and healthy environment for a child with an undiagnosed health problem.
