With today's economy and political climate, it's no wonder that more people are exploring the idea of going off-grid and living off the land.
But that concept becomes much more complicated when children are involved, and parents have to think about what's in their children's best interest, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor stuckinadumpster had been divorced from their ex-wife for several years, and they'd successfully stayed civil and coparented well.
But when their ex-wife wanted to move off-grid and take their child with her, planning to have no actual electricity or running water, the Original Poster (OP) was concerned and wondered if it was time to get lawyers involved.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by reaching out to a lawyer after my ex-wife revealed her plan to move into the woods with my child, with no running water or plumbing, and very little electricity?"
The OP coparented amicably after their divorce.
"I've been divorced for about five years."
"We have never needed lawyers and have been able to work things out ourselves. We coparent a nine-year-old and a fifteen-year-old."
But the OP's ex-wife made a decision that they could not accept.
"My ex recently met a man, maybe eight months ago, and she is now pregnant and moving onto his land."
"One of our two children will be with her Monday through Friday; that's been our arrangement because of his school."
"There are a couple of solar panels; water comes from a brook, which they gather and filter; and there is an outhouse."
"There's no real house, just yurts and tents, and three other people living there, including her new partner."
"She will be having a baby in January, so a baby, a 10-year-old, and herself all living in the middle of the woods with very few modern amenities in New England."
"We have long, cold winters. Personally, I think this could be doable in Humboldt County; New Hampshire is much colder and snowier."
The OP felt it might be time to get a lawyer involved.
"I recently reached out to a lawyer and am considering trying to get custody of our children."
"Our 15-year-old is with me most of the time already, especially since all of the changes in the past year."
"Our younger child is excited about the move for now, but our older one hates going there and is with me almost full-time since this began. They do NOT want to visit her there."
"Am I overreacting? Should I give this time to play out and see how it goes? I'm worried I'm going to be scrambling to find a new school for my younger son come November, when the cold and dark set in."
"I have voiced my concerns and was told I'm being neurotic."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some agreed with the OP that they were right to be concerned about how this could impact their children.
"Uh, no. Just no. We had friends who grew pot in Humboldt in the 1980s, and they raised two daughters out in the boonies, but they had real structures: a trailer and an outhouse. That was far better than this situation and the cold, good Lord."
"You are not overreacting. Go for it, Dad." - SuggestionOdd6657
"Who told you that you were neurotic, the ex? How does the child feel about moving into the woods? Get a lawyer; I doubt any judge would force a kid to live in the cold for months. NOR." - Top-Bit85
"NOR. A friend of mine was raised this way, and it f**ked her up. After the kids were grown, the parents decided their cute little experiment had run its course and now live in a suburb." - laurenyou
"NOR. They will be at serious risk of exposure and illness come winter. The no-running-water thing would be a hard stop for me if it were my children."
"Primitive camping like that is fun for like a week or so in summertime, but I would absolutely not let them live there."
"Also, you don’t know any of these other people, and they could pose a safety risk to your children."
"A couple with their one-year-old and dog died in the Sierras a couple of years back from exposure and lack of water. Another family of three died in 2023 in Colorado from exposure and malnutrition after trying to live 'off the grid' through the winter."
"Don’t risk your kids for these people who want to cosplay as wilderness nomads." - StarshipCaterprise
"Last year, we got three feet of snow in some parts of New England, my brother-in-law had his town washed out by rain, and the cape has wildfires right now. No fricken way would I live in a tent in these woods!"
"OP should totally get emergency custody before it gets cold and before school starts." - chaoticnormal
Others pointed out that the ex-wife had the right to choose this lifestyle, but the OP also had the right to get a lawyer involved and explore coparenting options.
"NOR. Your ex is allowed to make whatever bizarre choices she wants with her new family, but she doesn't get to drag your child into it. Let them visit her on weekends if they want." - occasionallystabby
"Honestly, let them visit her when the weather is mild, there ISN'T a drought, and fire conditions are MINIMAL. And verify that the living site is NOT flood-prone."
"Or wildfire-prone…which most of the New England wilderness is."
"Plus, before either kid stays, get background info on ALL the adults, including her partner."
"And in the event of an emergency, does anyone in this group own a vehicle? Will the ex be giving hers up on her behalf (another blazing red flag)?"
"It feels like there is not a single pro to this arrangement; it is all cons. But if she agrees to all of these terms, an occasional weekend in nature might be nice, rejuvenating, educational, etc."
"But if she does not agree, I'd be getting a lawyer involved yesterday." - Wrong-Pension-4975
"Of COURSE the nine-year-old is excited about it! A cabin in the woods! What fun!"
"Meanwhile, your ex-wife is probably going to pull the nine-year-old out of school and 'homeschool' them instead, and if they manage to win over your fifteen-year-old, I'm sure she'll parentify them into raising the baby. Or worse, isolate both of them out there and then ignore them in favor of the baby."
"You need to get a lawyer and formalize custody and decision-making very quickly, because without legally binding arrangements, she can do what she pleases with the children." - Pokeynono
"NOR. Just a few years ago, a woman, her sister, and her child died thinking they could live off-grid in the cold."
"I looked and found another one about a little girl who died last winter in similar conditions."
"Maybe these folks aren’t like your ex and her friends. Maybe your ex’s group has more experience and can actually hack living off-grid. But you don’t know this man or his friends."
"Beyond issues of preparation, these types of living situations are too often rife with parentification, physical and emotional abuse, and educational neglect."
"Talk to an attorney and figure it out. You can enroll your child in your local public school in 30 minutes or less." - LexiePiexie
"A man she’s known for a short time, who’s already impregnated her, is now moving to isolate her AND YOUR CHILDREN."
"I’d try for custody. The school's rationale for your one-child arrangement is now moot, so it’s a logical time to revisit it in court anyway. And given all the other red flags? I wouldn’t wait another day." - Burnt_and_Blistered
One Redditor who had off-grid experience spoke up in the comments, further validating the OP's concerns.
"I live off-grid in a similar setup to what your ex has in mind, and I love it. The key word is 'I.' I’m a child-free 30-year-old."
"It is hard, and it is exhausting. I’ve gotten sick. I often have issues with my solar. I often have issues with my water. I’ve been stung by scorpions and had to wrestle snakes."
"This lifestyle is not built for everybody, ESPECIALLY NOT A NEWBORN!! It would be completely irresponsible to live this way with an infant."
"A 10-year-old, maybe. But while also having to care for a newborn and being new to this life? Your child is in immediate danger, and I would SERIOUSLY question the safety of allowing her to parent if she’s making these types of decisions."
"Again, I say this as a person who lives this way currently. I know you’ll probably get some 'people lived this way for thousands of years' comments. But kids have died living this way!"
"Also, I live off-grid in a geodesic dome in the Caribbean, not New England."
"I have two solar panels and a single battery setup; I collect rainwater in a cistern for my sink, shower, and toilet (pump is powered by my solar), and have a propane fridge and stove."
"I have internet through mobile data. My solar powers/charged my electronics, a couple of small DC fans, a single light, and my water pump, and that’s it."
"In the five years I’ve lived here, every one of my systems has failed at least once. We have had droughts that have made it so I don’t have any running water for weeks at a time (which is a huge biohazard and makes sanitation incredibly difficult)."
"My fridge and propane have failed, making it so I have no way to store or prepare food safely. And my solar has gone down several times, leaving me with no electronics and no way to use my water or use my fans."
"I’ve gotten incredibly sick on multiple occasions because of this lifestyle. But I chose it, knowing what I was getting myself into. A child can not make an informed decision about a choice like this."
"I’ve also gotten sick because of nature; bugs and other creatures are a reality when living this way. I’ve had rat infestations; I’ve had snakes and raccoons break into my house."
"I also work remotely and have lost work because of unreliable power and internet. Is any of your son's schooling reliant on a computer or being able to get online? Because that will likely not be possible consistently."
"Again, I chose this. I am an adult who made an informed decision."
"Your son is a child, and one of his parents is not acting with his best interest at heart and is not informed of the risk or doesn’t care."
"NOR. You need to protect your child." - Ilbboutique
The subReddit completely understood where the OP was coming from, and they validated the parent's concerns about their children's safety.
With no electricity, running water, or traditional housing, countless accidents were possible, as was illness, and there was no telling if the children would receive the care and education they deserved while their mother was adjusting to life off-grid and parenting a newborn baby in the woods.
