Two people might have an amazing relationship while they're dating or married, but how they handle breaking up speaks volumes about their characters and what their relationship was really like behind the scenes.
That's especially true when they have kids, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor OptimalStatement5799 had been single for the past two years after finding out that their wife was having an affair, and they'd struggled since then to peacefully co-parent their children with her.
When she kept trying to sabotage their parenting, the Original Poster (OP) decided they wanted to start having separate events, like birthday parties and holidays, so they could celebrate without her getting in the way.
They asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for telling my children's mother that she isn't welcome to their birthday celebrations that I plan?"
The OP had a trial coming up with their hostile ex-wife.
"I've been divorced for two years now, and my ex is still dating the man she had an affair with. She still refuses to admit to the affair despite the overwhelming evidence. The kids call him 'Daddy First Name' now, even though they're only dating..."
"We have a high-conflict coparenting situation (50/50). I've asked for a parenting coordinator, and she refused. I've asked for coparenting counselling, and she refused forever until recently, and we have each had one session separately."
"We have a relocation trial happening next year, because she wants to take our kids and move across the country for her to be closer to her family and affair partner."
"I've refused to let her move with the kids, and now a judge will decide."
The OP's ex-wife was becoming increasingly toxic, especially where it concerned their kids.
"Since the trial proceedings began, she's done a lot of mudslinging, accusing me of negligence when I dropped off the kids at school and they smelt like urine (they didn't, though, and I confirmed with their teachers they didn't through email)."
"She has the kids report between houses how much screen time they have, baths, what they eat for lunch and dinner, etc."
"A judge has politely told her twice to stop having the kids do this, and unfortunately, it continues. My one son will literally ask me how many baths they had so they can tell Mommy when it's close to swapping homes."
"I'm not doing anything different than what we did when we were married with hygiene, cooking, etc."
"I wanted the kids to start therapy, and she refused even though our separation agreement said she has to give consent. A judge told her to allow therapy."
The OP no longer wanted to host joint events, like birthday parties.
"The kids' birthdays are coming up soon. Last year, she wanted to have the four of us have a birthday dinner together like we used to. I refused. She told the kids, 'Daddy isn't ready.'"
"Planning a shared birthday event was dreadful last year. Some of my family didn't come because of how awkward it is."
"This year, I asked her not to have her affair partner come to our kids' birthday celebrations. He likely wouldn't because he lives far away, but I still want to establish my boundaries. She refused to answer, plus because of the other behavior above, I told her I'm done with joint birthdays from here on."
"She has her celebrations with who she wants and how she wants, and I'll do the same."
"She made it seem like she would come to my celebration, and I clarified that she is not invited to my celebration I arrange for our children, and until coparenting dynamics change, it will remain this way."
"The mudslinging, the gaslighting, the tension, and making me look like the bad guy to our children is too much for me to deal with on a yearly basis. From here on, separate lives except sharing our children."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some reassured the OP that with a hostile coparenting situation, their kids were better off with separate celebrations.
"NOR. The kids are better off having two separate but loving celebrations than the one tense, drama-filled event." - Substantial_Value359
"NOR. My favourite thing about divorced parents was two celebrations for birthdays and Christmas." - Noeggs70
"I wish we had done separately. Everyone is grown now, but they were so awkward, and we were always scolded after for some indiscretion they felt we made. NOR! Choose peace." - angielberry
"NOR, only because your ex is being a petty, vindictive brat, and trying to gather whatever ammo she can to use against you in order to be able to move away with the kids. Don’t give her any."
"Though, I do feel sad for your kids that their mother seems to be a selfish a**hole. But in my opinion, she lost the privilege of having joint birthday celebrations when she started making s**t up about you in order to get the upper hand in court."
"And I also don’t think it’s appropriate that she allows your children to call her affair partner 'Daddy [name],' and I hope that’s brought up in therapy and put to a stop." - MissMerrimack
"NOR. There’s no reason that she needs to come to the celebration that you are planning. She can do whatever she wants on her own time with the children." - Mittens1965
"NOR. It may be too GenX of me to say, but my parents had a very amicable divorce, and not once did anyone even think about having joint parties/dinners/etc."
"What is the point of pretending to be one family when you aren’t anymore? I feel like it’s just confusing for kids, and possibly giving them false hope that someday Mom and Dad will get back together." - chicagoinlondon
Others encouraged the OP to continue to pursue therapy for their children and themselves.
"NOR. Put your kids in therapy; you have a court order telling you that you can. This will show the judge that she isn’t going along with things and is afraid of what they tell the therapist. They also NEED it!" - murphy2345678
"NOR. If possible, you should start using a parenting app and keep all communication with your ex on that alone. This can be used in court if necessary. Also document everything that she’s doing that she shouldn’t be. This will also be useful in court."
"I’d also put your children into therapy during your parenting time, if this has been allowed by the courts. The therapist’s testimony will probably also be helpful in court." - LordGarmadon1977
"NOR!!"
"Change the parenting plan to include specific wording that you each make all decisions regarding medical/ dental, day-to-day decisions while the kids are with you no coparent approval at all, so you can get the kids into therapy on your time without their mom thwarting your decisions every time."
"Require a coparenting app through the courts for all communication between you and mom so the judge has access to it as well and all communications can be used in court if needed, if you get it approved by the judge make sure you never respond to your coparent outside of the app."
"Remember that all your decisions and efforts must be in the children's best interest! Document everything and I mean everything in detail with no emotions that documentation is a lifesaver in court. Separate homes should be completely separate if the coparent is high-conflict to avoid sneaky issues and her ability to get in your home to document against you." - sierra38grandma
"She’s a vindictive sunofab***h. There’s nothing wrong with separate birthday celebrations. Some kids actually like that, because it extends the birthday and often means more presents."
"She’s just trying to insert herself here to cause drama and create opportunities to mudsling again. Talk to your lawyer about whether you should address this in writing so you can rationally and civilly lay out why you think it’s best for the children to hold separate parties and how you can make it a positive experience. If the lawyer agrees, that’s a paper trail of you trying to be an adult about this."
"Sorry your wife is doing this to you and her children. She’s actually harming them by making them spies. You should see if you can have this brought up in therapy and also get a professional opinion about this."
"She sucks. I hope you prevail. You deserve better than this piece of s**t." - Terrible-Pea494
"Make sure to do therapy yourself. I just went through my third round with a man whom I thought I’d marry and was SO different from my exes… just to find out it was the same, just wrapped in a better personality."
"Why we choose our partners is so rooted in our childhood experiences. It’s so important to be able to identify those weaknesses and develop the ability to say no to them."
"I sincerely wish you the best in your future partner!" - kingcurtis37
Some also urged the OP to document their coparenting, especially the things that weren't benefiting their children.
"Make sure you're documenting every single thing, and in particular, her attempts at parental alienation by having the children call her partner 'daddy abc,' the desire to take the children away from you, the talking bad about you to the children, etc." - Quiet-Hamster6509
"Hey, I actually would look into the judge putting a stop to the calling the AP 'Daddy.' I know someone who's ex-husband asked in court for their husband to not be called daddy by their daughter. Different situation, the guy was hardly ever present in their daughter's life, but the judge granted it and said it was creating parental alienation, among other things."
"It is at least worth bringing up. Keep a paper trail of EVERYTHING. Any time you speak with her, record it (if your state laws allow), only correspond through texting, record phone calls. Unfortunately, judges do favor the mothers in most situations, so make sure you have plenty of ammo, too." - FunOutlandishness517
"I really hope her not listening to the judge works in your favor in the relocation situation. You are NOR here. She's creating drama where there doesn't need to be. It's perfectly normal to have different celebrations."
"Based on your comments, I am glad that you have a great lawyer on your side. He's right, it's not a slam dunk (nothing is), but this internet stranger is keeping her fingers crossed for you. You seem to be the only one who has the kids' best interests in mind here." - Away-Understanding34
"NOR. You're doing the right thing. Remove yourself from her drama as much as you can and document everything that happens, no matter how small. She's chosen not to co-parent, so this is how it will go now. Her approval isn't necessary. She's going to try to show up, though. I'd get some legal advice now to prepare for it." - RedneckDebutante
"Document everything, and also add how you dealt with it and the result. OP. Be factual and direct with what you write. Leave any emotions out of it, as it's a case you're presenting."
"When you go in front of the judge, ask for clarification as to what you SHOULD do in the future with each type of instance (not allowing court-mandated visitation/therapy/having the kids report to her, etc). This will give a directive and drive home the points."
"NOR, but I'd go for full custody." - mare__bare
The OP felt tremendous relief after reading the comments.
"Overwhelmingly, I feel much better about this decision based on all the responses! Thanks. It's hard to know sometimes, especially when my ex will get on me about how this isn't good for the kids... But it's like, if you didn't behave so poorly, I wouldn't be doing this!!! Ugh. Frustrating times. I hope things get better."
"I can at least say that she wouldn't try to show up to the party unannounced and uninvited, at least not this year, to give me something to use because of the trial. After the trial is over, I'm wondering how her behavior will change. If this is her on her better behavior because of fear of losing a trial, how will she be after?"
"And, I also worry if she wins. How nasty will she be if she gets her way and moves the children? When I move to stay close to the kids, will she treat me the same as I've been with her where we currently are? I mean, by getting the kids if she's sick or logistically being supportive, etc."
"Thank you all for your replies."
The subReddit sympathized with the OP and the emotional turmoil they likely found themselves in while trying to amicably coparent and co-plan with their ex, who had cheated and turned toxic. It sounded to the sub like it would be better for the children for events to be separate from now on, largely including home visits, rather than having to report back and forth and create more reasons to have therapy.
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