Some heartache is just too difficult to get past.
Heartache and anger fueled by betrayal and rage can be on another level.
It’s great when exes find ways to peacefully exist near one another, especially when there are kids involved.
However, not everyone can handle peaceful correspondences with a person who they feel destroyed their lives.
Redditor Summer-M3 found themselves in a personal dilemma regarding their relationship with their cheating husband and MIL, so they turned to the “Am I The A**Hole” (AITAH) subreddit for feedback.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
They asked:
“AITAH for turning down every family event invite (e.g. birthdays and special occasions) received by ex M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“For context: My ex-fiancé and I have recently separated after I found out he was having an affair whilst I’m pregnant with our second child.”
“He’s always had an incredibly tight-knit family, which I’ve always loved.”
“However, this betrayal has shaken me to my core and changed the whole trajectory of my life and my kid’s lives.”
“His mother seems to think we should be ‘friends’ for the kid’s sake and that we should both attend all family birthdays together and any special events, e.g., Mothers day, Easter, Christmas, etc.”
“She is basing this dynamic off of some family friends of hers who decided to mutually separate as they felt they were better off as friends.”
“To me, that is an entirely different situation.”
“They both agreed to change their family dynamic.”
“I had mine ripped from me and my whole world shattered.”
“She’s making me feel like I’m being unreasonable for not wanting to put myself in intimate settings with my ex and his entire family.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITAH?”
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was NOT the A**hole here.
“NTA. She can have time with the kids on his parenting time.”
“You’re under no obligation to spend time with them other than being civil at drop-offs, so things are reasonable enough that you can attend the same drop off in 18 years.” ~ Clean_Permit_3791
“OP needs to do what is best for her children… demanding respect and knowing her value is far more important than MIL.” ~ QCr8onQ
“OP may be being short-sighted, though; it depends on the context.”
“If MIL and his family are all on OP’s side, it could make co-parenting with the cheating AH a lot easier.”
“If they’re not on her side, though, ditch the lot of them and make it clear why.” ~ Beth21286
“Mutually separating vs an affair.”
“Yea they’re comparable to how you co-parent.”
“I’m sorry your ex-MIL has her blinders on, not seeing the damage her adult crotch goblin inflicted on you.”
“Heal your not being unreasonable when you’re trying to find your new normal. NTA.” ~ Bitter_Animator2514
“NTA. Your ex-MIL doesn’t get to dictate how YOU deal with your separation.”
“If you don’t have to communicate with her at all, you have every right to stop.”
“Protect your peace and don’t discuss this with her any further.”
“Make it clear that her son betrayed you, broke your trust, and you have no interest in attending their family events.”
“Make it very clear you will NOT discuss it again.”
“If she can’t respect you, stop dealing with her at all.” ~ glimmerseeker
“NTA – yeh she’s delusional and probably in denial.”
“Couldn’t she honestly expect you to sit across the table from your ex and his side piece?”
“I bet she hasn’t been telling people the real truth about what her piece of trash son was doing.”
“Tell her straight!”
“You and your ex are not friends!”
“You’re co-parents, and that relationship is set by your terms, not hers!”
“She needs to accept that her son’s actions will impact the family dynamics.” ~ Nervous-Tea-7074
“Block her.”
“She’s no longer your problem.”
“What she thinks isn’t your problem; she can take her gripes up with her son.”
“He caused this. NTA.” ~ madgeystardust
“NTA, what a deeply selfish woman your MIL is.”
“Of course, she wants everything to continue as normal, at your expense, that way nothing changes for her and she doesn’t have to face what the trash she raised did.”
“You are right in feeling the two situations aren’t the same.”
“Don’t let her manipulate you.”
“You’re not the a**hole here.” ~ SmoochNo
“This might not be so much about selfishness, but more about really seeing OP as part of her family.”
“Maybe this whole situation hasn’t really gotten to her yet.”
“Nevertheless, OP should think about her mental well-being right now and set some boundaries that fit her.” ~ KatarinaRen
“This is likely true.”
“Like OP is NTA because clearly they have a lot to deal with right now, but eventually they do need to learn to put their feelings aside and be a good coparent.”
“In the immediate context, it’s reasonable, long term, you need to do what’s best for the kids.” ~ Competitive_Fig_3821
“I mean, what could be nicer than sitting with his close-knit family, and observing the life you could’ve had, and thought you were living, before he committed one of the biggest acts of betrayal that you’ve ever experienced?”
“What could be more healing than that?”
“I’m sure if you guys divorce, he’ll start dating his affair partner, and then he can bring her along too.”
“His mother sounds deranged, and her manner of thinking probably contributed to his lack of consideration for your feelings when he chose to do what he did.” ~ Recent_Body_5784
“Tell her exactly what you said here – the point being your ex is not being ‘your friend,’ and it is beyond painful that he cheated at all, but especially while you were pregnant.”
“He ripped your lives apart with selfish, self-indulgent choices.”
“For now, tell her what YOU want from HER.”
“She doesn’t get to make the rules, and what she is doing is making things even more hurtful for YOU. REMIND HER how much you valued and treasure your husband and the family you all shared together.”
“That he disrespected you and rejected you the way he has is not the same, for example, as that friend whose son and wife decided TOGETHER to mutually separate.”
“You were dumped by her son.”
“You need time and space to find balance after such a rude awakening to how your ex really feels about you AND the children you shared with him.”
“Tell her she’s asking too much right now, and tell her exactly WHAT YOU NEED FROM HER RIGHT NOW instead of what she WANTS from you.”
“You need kindness, support, and encouragement.”
“Not more demands to kow-tow to what someone else wants.'” ~ Upbeat_Monitor1488
“Tell her seeing him or his family is too painful and that you’re not going to put yourself through it.” ~ DoyoudotheDew
“I am so sorry you have been put in this situation.”
“How awful.”
“You are definitely NTA.”
“Hugs 🫂.” ~ Clear_Firefighter334
“NTA, tell her that she might think you should be friends now, but you thought he would keep it in his pants.And sadly, since she didn’t raise her son correctly, neither is happening.” ~ AgeRevolutionary3907
“NTA… ‘Future MIL, I do not care what other people do.'”
“‘Your child and I are no longer a family.'”
“‘I will not be playing nice just to appease you.'”
“‘I am sorry, but my wounds are too fresh to even think about what you are suggesting.'”
“‘I would like to keep a relationship with you for the children, but if you cannot respect me at this time, our relationship will be affected.'” ~ Worth-Season3645
“NTA. It seems she wants to monopolise access for important events.”
“You have family to, and you don’t have to be with an ex who betrayed you.”
“Tell her you’ll stick to a custody agreement where any holidays will be observed on each other’s parenting time.” ~ Exotic-Rooster4427
“NTA. Would she feel the same way if you had cheated and wanted to bring your AP to the holidays?”
“I think she would not have wanted her son to be subjected to that.”
“Your Ex’s Mom knows this isn’t okay, so she’s trying to guilt-trip you.”
“I’d say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” ~ GoodWin7889
“While I have seen people co-parenting well and even attending their kid’s functions together despite one of them cheating, it takes years to get to that point.”
“I do mean years, and not everyone does it.”
“He betrayed you, and that wound takes a long time to heal. NTA.”
“It’s way, way too soon to be asking this of you, especially considering you’re still pregnant with his 2nd child.”
“She needs to back off.” ~ WinEquivalent4069
“Definitely not the AH.”
“OP’s ruined that family dynamic.”
“That can’t be easily repaired, and maybe shouldn’t.”
“It’s selfish of MIL to still expect everything when he soon had an affair and will eventually bring his side piece into the picture.”
“Also, bulls**t that not having a family get together will hurt the kids.”
“That teaches them that mom/women are supposed to suck up their own hurts, and when the man does something wrong, he’s still treated normally.” ~ okayavocadont
Reddit is with you, OP.
You have every right to all of your feelings.
And if being friends with your ex is too much, then it is. Full stop.
You have to put yourself and your own well-being first.
He clearly hasn’t.
So sorry about all of this.
Good Luck.