Our lives are full of important moments and milestones, and it's important to celebrate these big moments with the people that we love.
But sometimes, people seem to try to steal the spotlight from each other, cringed the folks in the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor OneWordApathy knew far in advance when they would be graduating with their doctoral degree and receiving their diploma, and their family planned to attend to show their support.
But when their sister decided she wanted to use the same date for her wedding, the Original Poster (OP) felt conflicted about which event to attend and was heartbroken that they would not be with people they loved while celebrating such a major achievement.
They asked the sub:
"AITAH if I choose to attend my PhD graduation instead of my sister's wedding?"
The OP felt conflicted when their sister planned her wedding for the same day as their doctoral graduation.
"I'm graduating from my PhD program in the spring. I've been picturing this day for the last 4 years and already had so many ideas for how I would celebrate in my head."
"My sister just told me that she had planned her wedding for the same day as my graduation. She is not willing to choose a different date as the numerology is what she's after."
"I just feel weird about the whole thing as she seems to have planned her wedding on a whim, but still expects me to change my celebration plans for hers."
The OP tried to make the best of the situation, but their sister refused to compromise.
"Here are a couple of things to consider:"
"My graduation is out of state, so it's not like I could walk and then still make it to the wedding."
"I spent time and money to get ordained specifically so I could officiate her wedding, but she has decided she doesn't want that and has chosen to go to the courthouse instead."
"Her wedding is not extravagant, just the courthouse and then dinner with the immediate family."
"My own six-year wedding anniversary is only two days after her planned wedding date. This irks my husband, but I get it, we don't own the calendar."
"I've offered to plan her bachelorette party, and bridal shower, and help her with anything she needs wedding planning-wise, but she is not interested. She already planned and paid for her own bachelorette party."
The OP knew the family would be as conflicted as they were about the situation.
"My family was planning on attending my graduation as well, but if I choose to walk then they will be put in the awkward position of choosing which event to attend."
"My first instinct was that of course I'll be there for my sister, but her behavior is making it seem like she doesn't really care whether I'm there or not. I haven't made any travel plans yet, but I'm trying to consider what would be best?"
"Thanks for your thoughts, Reddit community."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some urged the OP to celebrate their accomplishment and go to their graduation.
"NTA."
"You already had plans set in stone that couldn't be changed. Not many people get a PhD, and even fewer get more than one."
"I would go to my PhD graduation, especially since she is just doing a courthouse wedding and a small dinner."
"While I am sure it will p**s her off, she will get over it. You could always show up very late, as soon as you are done with your graduation celebration, and you can make it up to her with a nice gift. Or you could host a next-day brunch so you can still celebrate. No matter what, NTA." - Necessary-Stage5044
"OP's PhD is forever and hard-earned. Numerology weddings are a gamble…" - Altruistic-Text3481
"Even fewer people get multiple PhDs so it's unlikely for the sister to make the same argument. Weddings are a dime a dozen, and it really does seem like she scheduled hers on purpose to overshadow her sister's impressive achievement."
"NTA."
"Oh and by the way, it's not even a wedding! She's going to the courthouse, then dinner. Ridiculous. If I were their brother, I'd go to my sibling's graduation, not my sister's probably-shotgun wedding." - Half_Life976
"I got my PhD and it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. None of my siblings came to watch me walk because it was Mother's Day weekend (my parents came) or my graduation party (a week before Christmas), and I will forever be a little sad about that because this was a once-in-a-lifetime event that I worked hard for six years to accomplish."
"While weddings are also a once-in-a-lifetime event that's shared with your partner, my PhD graduation was the thing that I did."
"NTA. I hope you go to your graduation. It's worth it. Congratulations!"
"From, Someone who has been there, PhD." - RepublicOk6538
"I wish sometimes that there was a laugh emoji on here. I laughed out loud when I read this."
"OP, please attend your graduation and walk. I wanted to walk when I graduated with my bachelor's and didn't because of something similar. I regret I did that."
"You got ordained for her, and she pushed you to the side. My first thought was she is trying to outdo you."
"NTA. Walk at your graduation. Congratulations!" - MountainAsparagus139
Others agreed and also theorized that the sister chose her wedding date on purpose.
"I can't help wondering if the 'numerology' thing is just a bulls**t excuse to make a power play or loyalty test to see who'll show up for the sister instead of OP."
"Surely, there are other dates besides OP's graduation that could satisfy her numerology thing, if it's even something she really cares about."
"I think it's a setup to hurt the OP. The OP should really put themselves first for this one." - TheRealCarpeFelis
"Based on the OP's sister being the kind of person who plans a more last-minute wedding, even knowing that their sibling has an important life milestone going on that day, my impulse would be to lean into numerology..."
"If she's so interested in numbers, she better also understand averages and percentages, too. I'd just tell her, 'It's fine, I'll just be at the next one.' NTA." - SweetFrostedJesus
"The second I saw the numerology mention, it was NTA. Some people, man."
"And even aside from that, the graduation date for a PhD program isn't scheduled at the last minute. OP's major life event was known about well in advance." - mmmmpisghetti
"I'd also explain that to the parents who originally planned on going to OP's graduation, 'Mom and Dad, it's not a whole big shindig wedding; it's a small courthouse (almost like eloping) ceremony!'"
"If the parents went to the graduation, maybe then the sister would change her wedding date. There are many numbers that would add up to whatever number she is after."
"If you want loved ones at your graduation, explain it to them this way. If she's so insistent about this date, she can have her wedding date solo and maybe have a dinner or party with loved ones to celebrate on another date." - GardenSafe8519
"Main character syndrome. She clearly wants the spotlight on her and wants to take it off her sister for spite."
"It honestly makes me wonder if the sister planned it out this way on purpose. Not only did she pick a date that conflicted with her sister's PhD ceremony (which is a HUGE deal), but she also chose a date near her sister's own wedding anniversary date. Too big of a coincidence." - MollysBlooms
"It feels like she is creating drama. Especially because she is going back on all the plans you were involved in... to no longer have you helping. And it goes without saying but planning on the same day come on..."
"It's almost like she's wanting you to decide your graduation day and have the family in conflict and if anyone chooses you then she can have a pity party! What the heck?! Why in the world is this girl being so selfish?!"
"I would ask your sister to choose another day!!! Who cares about the numbers?! Makes this about you! Ask her to be there for you. Tell her it's selfish to do it this way. You are the one who should be hurting. Don't let her make this about her. She knows damn well what this means to you!" - MidnightSunCo
After receiving feedback, the OP shared their decision.
"Thank you all for the replies. It seems the overall consensus is that I should go to my graduation!"
"For those who asked, I will be receiving a doctorate in clinical nutrition. An interesting fact you all made me think about is that 0.8 percent of Americans graduate with a clinical doctorate, while 48 percent of Americans get married! And not to jinx my sister, but let's not get into how many Americans go on to get divorced..."
"I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished, and I love what I do, so I'm glad to hear so many of you want me to put myself first for this."
While weddings are important and hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime event, earning a doctoral degree is rare and important, as well, and these achievements should be just as celebrated as marriages, if not even more so.
No matter what, the OP should absolutely attend their ceremony, and hopefully their family would show them support. If enough family gathered around the OP, maybe the sister would take a hint and move her wedding to another numerologically-important date.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp