When does a parents job to drive their child around reasonably end?
When they learn to drive? When they become an adult? It never ends?
A parent turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback over a conflict with their daughter over rides to work.
No_loans_ne_more1 asked:
"AITA for wanting my 27-year-old to get themselves to work?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Daughter is 27 years old, blew the engine in her car after a year of me telling her to put oil in it, and now I am the taxi to work and back. She works overnights, 630pm to 5am, Wed - Sun, about 2 miles from home. I have been driving her for a year now."
"She decided that rather than fix the car she already owns, she wants to buy a new car. A $45k Kia that is like a unicorn of a car in the specific model, color, engine package etc... she wants. She will also need to put down $8k on this car with an $850 payment. I think it's a dumb way to throw away enough money to buy a house with, but what do I know."
"I am TIRED. I work 9-5 M-F. Every single weekend I'm up getting her early in the morning, messing up my entire sleep schedule and day. Last night she wanted me to pick her up at 11:30pm. I tried, real hard, to stay up until that time. I couldn't. When I woke up to go get her it felt like I was drunk, but it was just me being so, so tired."
"We drove home mostly in silence until she asked me had I fallen asleep. I said 'ya I did,' that I tried to stay up, but couldn't, and that I really, really, really hope she buys ANY car really soon so I can get a break from this because at the end of the week, I am worn out and then have to go back to my job M-F."
"This upset her, she cut me off and talked over me (a normal occurrence) and told me she tries to be mindful of my sleep and will usually push through until 5pm because she doesn't want to wake me up. I had, had enough."
"I stopped the car in the middle of the f'n road. In park, we sat there for a good 15 minutes before she finally asked me why we were sitting there. I said, 'if you had the patience to wait all this time to ask me that, why can't you let me finish talking before you talk over me with what you have to say?'."
"Then, silence until we got home. Each interaction like this feels like it puts distance between us. I don't have a problem picking her up, I do have a problem being expected to do things as if she were 12 years old going to soccer practice instead of 27 years old going to work."
"Am I the AH for trying to set grown up boundaries?"
The OP later added:
"Yes, she pays rent and utilities. She's moved out before, but came back due to health issues. I helped her get better."
"I did tell her to put oil in her car, many times."
"I've told her all the things you all have said, many many times. I'm tired of fighting.
"I also did not want to be a parent like my parents were, who turned their back on their child in their biggest time of need."
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"For not going to drive a person to work because the other person still needs to get to work and is depending on me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"There's no polite way to say this. What's wrong with you? Why on God's green earth would you put up with this type of behavior?"
"If your daughter can save for an ... I can't believe I'm saying this ... $45,000 Kia, she can take a little longer time saving and spend her own money on an Uber to get to work. Or a bike. Or her own darn feet."
"You are old enough to have a child approaching 30. Have you ever used the word 'No' before?" ~ Active-Anteater1884
"Yep, the other ridiculous part of this is a $45000 KIA, of all things. There are dozens of better cars available new…plus someone with no transportation should really give up on being so specific." ~ lmholot1981
"What Kia is she even talking about? The only Kia that even starts at over $45K is the Telluride Hybrid. You can get a fully loaded Kia Niro or Sportage for less than that." ~ roseofjuly
"I bought a new Hyundai Kona for less than that. It gets me where I need to go. I'd have loved a Palisade, but couldn't afford it."
"The daughter has champagne taste and a beer budget. OP needs to tell her so too. She doesn't need to spend $45,000 too get reliable transportation. NTA." ~ Longjumping_Desk3205
"This is what I was thinking the entire f*cking time. She's only doing this because you are allowing her to do this. She's nearly 30. Tell her the rides stop next week and after that she needs to find her own way to and from work." ~ roseofjuly
"OP said it's two miles. Two! She can get a bike and stfu." ~ allmykitlets
"Yeah, a $45k car at 27 is WILD to me. I’m 28 and also live at home due to my disabilities, and I’ve only ever driven used cars. My first two cars (not counting one that my parents bought but was pretty much undrivable due to freezing coldwater dumping out of the A/C and onto your feet every time you took a turn) were VW New Beetles, my childhood favorite car. One of them got totaled (got T-boned while turning left after a bus, stupid early 20s mistake), and the second one threw a bunch of codes no auto tech could figure out how to clear."
"I LOVED my little Bugs!! I was SO SAD when my second Bug started dying. I was kind of a petulant brat about it, not gonna lie— I told my dad I wanted a Mini Cooper if he was gonna make me get rid of my beloved Bug. He knew that wasn’t feasible, and so did I, but I was just upset that my little red Bug was dying and there was nothing anyone could do about it."
"But he eventually found me a cute little red Chevy Spark, and it’s a lot safer than the Bug was since it’s much newer and sturdier. It has a backup camera(!!!), it’s not falling apart at the seams, and I’m happy with it, even though it’s not my gay little red New Beetle."
"I’m very fortunate that my dad takes care of the bills for the Spark, so I’m able to drive to and from work and have some pocket money while I get through college. (I have an associates in art, but I’m back in school for my bachelors in early childhood education!!)"
"But yeah, none of my cars were over $5k, if I recall correctly. (I don’t know the exact financials since my dad is the bookkeeper of the family haha!) My first Bug was from a new mother who needed to buy a car more suitable for her family (it was in PRISTINE condition and I’m still mad at myself for totaling it), the second Bug was from a rural car dealership and was clearly refurbished after an accident, and the Spark is a retired rental car, so none of them were crazy pricey, and they all got/get me from Point A to Point B."
"As a 20-something living at home with no kids, you don’t need a car that costs as much as a downpayment for a house!! It’s just unrealistic, and OP shouldn’t have to play taxi for her 27-year-old. It’s just not fair to OP."
"OP, you need to put your foot down. The $45k car can be a FUTURE dream, but for now, your daughter needs to be realistic. She can’t depend on you to constantly hold her hand her through life, even if she’s got health issues."
"Her greed isn’t a valid reason for her not to drive. There are valid reasons for not being able to drive, but 'I’m saving up for a prohibitively expensive car, so Mom has to take me everywhere because I say so' isn’t one of them." ~ MxBluebell
"She works two miles from home? She needs a good pair of shoes, not a car."
"NTA. She won't solve her problem as long as you keep helping her. Let her spend her own money on ride share or walk." ~ needofanap
"Shoot, an electric bike would get her there in 5 minutes. Assuming OP is where it's now warmer weather... Daughter dearest can ride to work without bothering." ~ green_chapstick
"I live in Northern Europe, the weather is not nice 8+ months of the year, but I still take my kids to the daycare 2 miles on my eCargobike every day, snow, rain or whatever. Because what is the alternative? My feet."
"STOP ENABLING HER, OP!!!" ~ Stock_Technology7394
Reddit agreed that OP's daughter was overdue for some boundaries.
