It's difficult to know when to stop helping out friends or acquaintances in difficult circumstances. While the impulse to be kind may be strong, self-preservation needs to be a priority, too.
As the saying goes, "you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
A parent questioning a friendship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fallen_Akroma asked:
"AITA for telling a friend she has to watch her autistic child at our house parties?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I and my wife met our friend when her son and our youngest daughter were in 2nd grade together. I knew friend from high school as she was a year behind me, but a year ahead of my now wife."
"Her son is severely autistic, so we try to help her by including her in any parties we have for our 2 children. Recently he has tried to take toys from my oldest and my youngest daughter and within the last 2 years, he has tried to take belongings of mine he has picked from shelves after being left unattended during parties."
"2 weeks ago was my oldest daughter's 14th birthday party and friend's son was left alone in my basement den. At the end of the party, we found collectible dice I have for gaming in his pockets for a 2nd time."
"I had put these dice away as he tried to take them a year ago and was caught with them in his pocket. Friend's son didn't scream or cry, but he emptied his pocket and went on his way to his mom who didn't say anything but 'we don't take what isn't ours' and they left, no apologies from friend or her son."
"After the party, my wife and I sat down and decided to tell friend she was welcome at parties, but only if she watched her son and he can't be left alone in our house again. She tried to say her son should be included more, yet all he wants to do is sit on his tablet."
"She has since tried to have her older daughter, who remains friends with our youngest, try to pull the 'we might not be able to be friends due to your parents choices' card."
"Are we being unreasonable to expect our belongings are safe in our own home with people we call friends and family?"
OP later added:
"The father is thankfully not in the picture. He is a drunk and blames the kids for all his choices in life that have led to him being in jail more times then I can count on one hand in just the last year."
"We've tried to keep the friendship between their son and our daughter, but our youngest has matured while her son hasn't. But we enjoy having friend's oldest daughter visit as she is respectful."
"Our youngest has talked to us about her conversation with friend's older daughter and she agrees that her mother needs to deal with the autistic son, but would rather not have him around since he has tried to steal from her too."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"He's trying to steal from you and she seems to just not even care. Now she's trying to get her kid to blackmail yours about it?"
"Yeah, not sure I'd be inviting any of them to my house again." ~ Caspian4136
"NTA, blackmailing through your daughter is too low. It's better to end the friendship." ~ Reddit
"NTA. I would have a talk with your daughter about why this is happening so that she understands that the other mother is being unreasonable. Not being invited at all might make the other mother reflect, but you are absolutely correct that this child needs supervision." ~ Effective_Olive_8420
"THIS is the part that shifted for me too. The second time theft would've been a strict 'supervise him at all times or don't come' moment. Instead she started acting like a manager protecting her son's access to your house. Not a great look. NTA." ~ Armantvs
"Totally agree. OP is being very reasonable actually. The boy is getting older; he needs to learn to stop stealing now. In a few years when he tries this with the wrong person, there could be real retaliation."
"People get beaten and/or arrested for stealing. I doubt some people would care about his condition if they found him stealing from them." ~ Fuzzy_Redwood
"I think, too, that you need to prioritize your kids' needs. The years of 'family group birthdays' ended well before 14 for me. I don’t see your daughter enjoying another year of that."
"It’s not your kids' job to make sure your friend's kids have friends, especially once they’re teens. Keep the including for family parties." ~ the_orig_princess
"NTA. She is setting her son up to get into serious trouble when he gets older. Having a disability doesn’t excuse someone from consequences if they break the law." ~ StrengthKey5912
"NTA. I would actively cut them out once they tried to manipulate my child. That’s a bridge you don’t cross and get to come back from." ~ MrTitius
"That crossed a line worse than the theft. Involving children in adults' business is terrible parenting. Call her bluff and agree that they should no longer be in each other's lives." ~ andrea1797
"NTA. I’ve 5 kids, and 4 of them are on the spectrum, as am I. They aren’t 'severely' autistic, they’re all mixed levels 1&2."
"I would NEVER leave my child unattended, especially if they were pilfering belongings. She’s trying to have him coddled, which is not what you want to do (for the most part) with kids on the spectrum. They’re waaay more capable than anyone tends to give them credit for. Roping her other daughter in to play the guilt trip bullsh*t is also wild."
"You and your wife did a wonderful thing that some folks wouldn’t have bothered to do, which is go out of your way to make them feel included. I want to make this clear: You and your wife are fantastic examples of folk who are doing their best to be inclusive and involve people who have disabilities."
"The unfortunate bit..? My understanding, from what I’ve read, is she’s taking advantage of you both and the space you provide for them to be in. Don’t be mad at the kid, though, be mad at the mom for not doing a better job."
"Don’t feel guilty or ashamed or any sort of negative about setting the boundary you have. It’s honestly a bare minimum to watch your own child at someone else’s place/out and about." ~ UnoriginalJ0k3r
"Kids shouldn't be unattended at another person's house. Period. It doesn't matter that he's neurodivergent. My parents were always aware of where we were and what we were doing unless another adult was supervising." ~ Round-Dragonfly6136
"NTA. I have a daughter with high-functioning autism, and we always make sure to keep a closer eye on her because she struggles to understand social norms. She also has difficulty with impulse control and takes things that don't belong to her if left to her own devices. It's something that we are working on."
"It doesn't sound like this mother is working on anything but enabling and teaching her daughter how to manipulate people to get her way." ~ Smooth_Perception_65
"It's a difficult thing, raising a child with severe autism. But an autistic child can be taught not to steal."
"And if you know your child has the habit of pocketing things that don't belong to them, it's your responsibility to watch over him or her, not someone else's parents'. I have a feeling your friend is using your parties as a break where she can escape all that for an hour or so."
"You had the right solution. 'You and your child are welcome, but you must keep your eye on your child the whole time. We are too busy taking care of our other guests to focus solely on one.' If she argues, simply don't invite them anymore. She will know why, even if she does try and turn it around." ~ GeminiAtl
" Yeah, I can completely understand how frustrating it must be for a parent of a disabled child... when all the other parents can say to their kids 'okay go play!' and trust them to do so without causing problems, while you have to continue to actively parent when you want to relax and your kid has different rules... I'm sure that's really tough.
"But... we're all dealt some shitty cards in life. Some more than others. Being dealt a crap card doesn't mean you get to throw your hands up in the air and say 'forget about it' when the cost of that negligence is being paid by others."
"All this to say... I empathize with her, but she's gotta do better. NTA, OP." ~ Silent_Ice_2588
" Tell her you know how crazy it sounds, but she's going to have to actually parent her f*cking kid instead of just turning him loose to loot your house." ~ LissaBryan
"NTA. Not sure where the child is on the autism spectrum, but it seems like mom isn't doing a great job on working with him and his diagnosis. It'd be great if he could just be included like any other kid, but that doesn't seem to be the case in his situation, unfortunately. Sounds like his mom doesn't want to face that reality, though." ~ Saknika
OP and his wife were trying to be kind, but kindness doesn't seem to be a priority for their friend.
It's probably time to stop trying to force this friendship to work.
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