It's difficult to know when to stop helping out friends or acquaintances in difficult circumstances. While the impulse to be kind may be strong, self-preservation needs to be a priority, too.
As the saying goes, "you don't need to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm."
A parent questioning a friendship turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Fallen_Akroma asked:
"AITA for telling a friend she has to watch her autistic child at our house parties?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"I and my wife met our friend when her son and our youngest daughter were in 2nd grade together. I knew friend from high school as she was a year behind me, but a year ahead of my now wife."
"Her son is severely autistic, so we try to help her by including her in any parties we have for our 2 children. Recently he has tried to take toys from my oldest and my youngest daughter and within the last 2 years, he has tried to take belongings of mine he has picked from shelves after being left unattended during parties."
"2 weeks ago was my oldest daughter's 14th birthday party and friend's son was left alone in my basement den. At the end of the party, we found collectible dice I have for gaming in his pockets for a 2nd time."
"I had put these dice away as he tried to take them a year ago and was caught with them in his pocket. Friend's son didn't scream or cry, but he emptied his pocket and went on his way to his mom who didn't say anything but 'we don't take what isn't ours' and they left, no apologies from friend or her son."
"After the party, my wife and I sat down and decided to tell friend she was welcome at parties, but only if she watched her son and he can't be left alone in our house again. She tried to say her son should be included more, yet all he wants to do is sit on his tablet."
"She has since tried to have her older daughter, who remains friends with our youngest, try to pull the 'we might not be able to be friends due to your parents choices' card."
"Are we being unreasonable to expect our belongings are safe in our own home with people we call friends and family?"
OP later added:
"The father is thankfully not in the picture. He is a drunk and blames the kids for all his choices in life that have led to him being in jail more times then I can count on one hand in just the last year."
"We've tried to keep the friendship between their son and our daughter, but our youngest has matured while her son hasn't. But we enjoy having friend's oldest daughter visit as she is respectful."
"Our youngest has talked to us about her conversation with friend's older daughter and she agrees that her mother needs to deal with the autistic son, but would rather not have him around since he has tried to steal from her too."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"He's trying to steal from you and she seems to just not even care. Now she's trying to get her kid to blackmail yours about it?"
"Yeah, not sure I'd be inviting any of them to my house again." ~ Caspian4136
"NTA, blackmailing through your daughter is too low. It's better to end the friendship." ~ Reddit
"NTA. I would have a talk with your daughter about why this is happening so that she understands that the other mother is being unreasonable. Not being invited at all might make the other mother reflect, but you are absolutely correct that this child needs supervision." ~ Effective_Olive_8420
"THIS is the part that shifted for me too. The second time theft would've been a strict 'supervise him at all times or don't come' moment. Instead she started acting like a manager protecting her son's access to your house. Not a great look. NTA." ~ Armantvs
"Totally agree. OP is being very reasonable actually. The boy is getting older; he needs to learn to stop stealing now. In a few years when he tries this with the wrong person, there could be real retaliation."
"People get beaten and/or arrested for stealing. I doubt some people would care about his condition if they found him stealing from them." ~ Fuzzy_Redwood
"I think, too, that you need to prioritize your kids' needs. The years of 'family group birthdays' ended well before 14 for me. I don’t see your daughter enjoying another year of that."
"It’s not your kids' job to make sure your friend's kids have friends, especially once they’re teens. Keep the including for family parties." ~ the_orig_princess
"NTA. She is setting her son up to get into serious trouble when he gets older. Having a disability doesn’t excuse someone from consequences if they break the law." ~ StrengthKey5912
"NTA. I would actively cut them out once they tried to manipulate my child. That’s a bridge you don’t cross and get to come back from." ~ MrTitius
"That crossed a line worse than the theft. Involving children in adults' business is terrible parenting. Call her bluff and agree that they should no longer be in each other's lives." ~ andrea1797
"NTA. I’ve 5 kids, and 4 of them are on the spectrum, as am I. They aren’t 'severely' autistic, they’re all mixed levels 1&2."
"I would NEVER leave my child unattended, especially if they were pilfering belongings. She’s trying to have him coddled, which is not what you want to do (for the most part) with kids on the spectrum. They’re waaay more capable than anyone tends to give them credit for. Roping her other daughter in to play the guilt trip bullsh*t is also wild."
"You and your wife did a wonderful thing that some folks wouldn’t have bothered to do, which is go out of your way to make them feel included. I want to make this clear: You and your wife are fantastic examples of folk who are doing their best to be inclusive and involve people who have disabilities."
"The unfortunate bit..? My understanding, from what I’ve read, is she’s taking advantage of you both and the space you provide for them to be in. Don’t be mad at the kid, though, be mad at the mom for not doing a better job."
"Don’t feel guilty or ashamed or any sort of negative about setting the boundary you have. It’s honestly a bare minimum to watch your own child at someone else’s place/out and about." ~ UnoriginalJ0k3r
"Kids shouldn't be unattended at another person's house. Period. It doesn't matter that he's neurodivergent. My parents were always aware of where we were and what we were doing unless another adult was supervising." ~ Round-Dragonfly6136
"NTA. I have a daughter with high-functioning autism, and we always make sure to keep a closer eye on her because she struggles to understand social norms. She also has difficulty with impulse control and takes things that don't belong to her if left to her own devices. It's something that we are working on."
"It doesn't sound like this mother is working on anything but enabling and teaching her daughter how to manipulate people to get her way." ~ Smooth_Perception_65
"It's a difficult thing, raising a child with severe autism. But an autistic child can be taught not to steal."
"And if you know your child has the habit of pocketing things that don't belong to them, it's your responsibility to watch over him or her, not someone else's parents'. I have a feeling your friend is using your parties as a break where she can escape all that for an hour or so."
"You had the right solution. 'You and your child are welcome, but you must keep your eye on your child the whole time. We are too busy taking care of our other guests to focus solely on one.' If she argues, simply don't invite them anymore. She will know why, even if she does try and turn it around." ~ GeminiAtl
" Yeah, I can completely understand how frustrating it must be for a parent of a disabled child... when all the other parents can say to their kids 'okay go play!' and trust them to do so without causing problems, while you have to continue to actively parent when you want to relax and your kid has different rules... I'm sure that's really tough.
"But... we're all dealt some shitty cards in life. Some more than others. Being dealt a crap card doesn't mean you get to throw your hands up in the air and say 'forget about it' when the cost of that negligence is being paid by others."
"All this to say... I empathize with her, but she's gotta do better. NTA, OP." ~ Silent_Ice_2588
" Tell her you know how crazy it sounds, but she's going to have to actually parent her f*cking kid instead of just turning him loose to loot your house." ~ LissaBryan
"NTA. Not sure where the child is on the autism spectrum, but it seems like mom isn't doing a great job on working with him and his diagnosis. It'd be great if he could just be included like any other kid, but that doesn't seem to be the case in his situation, unfortunately. Sounds like his mom doesn't want to face that reality, though." ~ Saknika
OP and his wife were trying to be kind, but kindness doesn't seem to be a priority for their friend.
It's probably time to stop trying to force this friendship to work.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp