Not all friendships remain the same.
Sometimes we realize we don't have as much in common, or aren't even that compatible, with people we were once inseparable from.
Even if we might not consider someone a "friend" anymore, that doesn't necessarily mean we don't remain on friendly terms with them.
Others, however, sadly find that some former friendships have broken beyond repair.
A friend of Redditor DrD3adpool recently found herself going through a hard time.
While the original poster (OP) tried to lend a helping hand, they not only found that their friend was far beyond the amount of help they could provide, but might not even have been worthy of their help.
The OP's friend's family refused to accept that.
Having trouble processing the situation, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole Here" (AITAH).
Unlike the similar 'Am I The A**Hole' (AITA) subReddit, AITAH allows Redditors to ask for advice on issues that are not permitted on AITA, such as asking for advice or posting about ending relationships. Voting acronyms aren't required, and no final judgment is declared.
The OP asked fellow Redditors:
"AITAH for getting my ex friend arrested?"
The OP explained why she found herself seriously at odds with a former friend and her family:
"So some backstory."
"About a month ago I let a friend of mine surf my couch for a few days while she was in between living situations."
"She's got some well-documented mental illness that I thought was being properly medicated before I allowed her into my home."
"She was actually completely unmedicated, and after one relatively good night, she proceeded to do/say a lot of out-of-pocket stuff that ultimately led to me asking her to leave my home a few days later."
"She left, but returned to my home when I wasn't there and stole close to $1800 worth of belongings from my house."
"She used a neighbor and an illegally copied key to get into the building."
"My neighbors caught her on their security camera going into my house and leaving with a backpack full of my belongings."
"I called the police, and after an exhaustive search, she was found and arrested."
"I offered her to return my belongings and I would drop the charges, she returned the backpack and claims to not have any of my other belongings as well as adamantly denying entering my house.
"I proceeded to press charges and she's now being held in police custody until the trial."
"Her family is LIVID, they think that I should drop the charges because I got the backpack back."
"When I told them that the backpack was literally $20 out of the many expensive things she took from my home, they responded by telling me how my pressing charges is ruining her life, including but not limited to custody/visitation rights for her four children and getting accepted into a special boarding house for people who have severe mental illness."
"I feel like I'm in the right for wanting to see her punished for what she did, but her family and some of my friends are saying that I shouldn't be destroying her life because of one mistake."
"Am I the AH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in, with some using the voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community wholeheartedly agreed that the OP did nothing wrong.
Everyone agreed that, regardless of the state of her mental health, the OP's friend had no one to blame but herself for her current situation, with everyone similarly wondering where the family of the OP's friend was when she really needed her help:
"NTA."
"Her family is all rallying round now."
"Where were they when she needed a roof over her head?"- Thrwwy747
"NTAH."
"Ask the family to replace the stolen belongings as a condition of dropping charges and see what they say."- PurchaseNo4486
"NTA."
"The family is simply showing that they haven't adequately addressed the mental illness."
"If the girl needs to be medicated and refuses the medication, she doesn't have the capacity to care for her children."
"It's simple cause and effect, and you're being held up as the straw man to sacrifice."- PyroT8
"NTA."
"You are not destroying her life; she is by not taking her medication and by breaking the law."
"There are consequences."
"Where was all this family when she needed a place to stay?"
"If one of them wants to pay you back $1,800, maybe then consider dropping the charges." - OldInitiative8325
"No."
"You’re the victim."
"Mental health or the lack thereof is not a free pass to commit felonies."
"Also where is her family and what are they doing for her besides getting butt hurt?"- onegreatbroad
"NTA."
"She FA and is currently FO."- Maahes0
"NTA."
"You aren’t pressing charges; the prosecutor’s office does that."
"Direct her family and anyone defending her to the prosecuting attorney."- FionaFierce11
"The district attorney's office presses charges, not you."
"She will be prosecuted for the crimes she committed; again, that has nothing to do with you other than the fact that you happen to be the victim."
"If she robbed a complete stranger, would her family be calling that person and harassing them as well?"
"If she goes to jail for her crimes, she will get the mental health care she needs."
"Probably not the best available, but care nonetheless."
"If she's this unstable her children don't need to be exposed to her."
"Don't feel guilty about the results of someone's actions that are completely out of your control."- Lisa_Knows_Best
"NTA."
"Her family has been enabling her going off her meds."
"Now, she is going to have real consequences for her actions."- Emotional_Fan_7011
"I suppose the family could replace the stolen items if they're so concerned."
"If they're not willing to personally make things right, they have no business asking you to just take the hit on this."
"NTA."- Terradactyl87
"NTA."
"You are not ruining her life, she is."
"But we see where she got her lack of responsibility from."- Boogity2024
"One mistake?"
"Let’s count these 'mistakes' she made just in this post."
"Losing custody of her kids."
"Saying reprehensible shit and getting kicked out."
"Making a copy of your key."
"Making the decision to steal."
"Going to your address with the intention of stealing."
"Lying to your neighbor."
"Entering your home without permission."
"Add $1,200 worth of 'mistakes' right here for every single thing she touched."
"X 2 for putting each of those items in the backpack she stole."
"Closing that backpack and deciding to leave with your property."
"Actually leaving with your property."
"Deciding what to do with your property.
"Taking that property and presumably hiding and/or selling it (this is a whole separate list of 'mistakes' depending on what she did with your stuff)."
"Lying about stealing your stuff."
"Lying about how much she stole."
"Continuing to lie."
"Continuing to not return your belongings."
"So, can her family point to the 'one mistake' this dumpster fire of a human made?"
"Maybe you can let 'one mistake' go."
"What about all of the others?"- No-Carob4909
"You are NTA."- sulunod1313
"NTA."
"She is dealing with the consequence of her own actions."- beonewith
The OP later returned with an update, thanking everyone who took the time to comment, and clarifying some things bout their and their friend's situation:
"Firstly thanks for all of the kind words and upvotes."
"Despite being very much in the right for what I did, I'm a very empathetic person, and I value my friendships to a point where I have been known to put up with very scummy behavior in the name of maintaining a friendship."
"My own feelings about this situation were making me feel like I was the one being insane and horrible for wanting to get my things back."
"As far as the family goes, they doubled down on their feelings about me, threatening physical violence against me in front of the police while I was trying to get one of her cousins to return some of my belongings she'd given him to sell for her."
"Her father, aunt, and 3 of her cousins are now also in jail for making terroristic threats."
"I have a restraining order against the rest of her family, and I'm looking forward to the trial so I can hopefully start to put this whole situation behind me."
"Also, I wasn't aware that 'pressing charge' was the DA etc."
"I've only been involved with the legal system twice in my 42 years, so my knowledge of how all of that works is a little blind/amateur."
No family ever wants to hear that a family member has been arrested.
Sadly, seeing that this seems to be a trend in the OP's family, the OP neither can nor should blame themself for this unfortunate outcome.
As many have said, if this friend's family had been there for her when she needed them most, this could likely have been avoided.
