Punishing or disciplining a kid is never easy.
No one wants to make a child sad.
But sometimes difficult lessons have to be taught.
The question is… is there always enough evidence?
Redditor Low_Currency_1038 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA-for canceling my son’s b-day over $10?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I 34-year-old female with a son who is turning 13 this weekend.”
“He b-day falls close to Xmas, and I am not wealthy, we just get by, so many years he doesn’t get a full party.”
“This year felt like a big milestone becoming a teenager, so I wanted to make it special.”
“We invited 10 kids and rented out some batting cages for 1.5 hours.”
“I ordered a cake and planned a whole game, food, and snacks.”
“We live in an apartment, so I planned a scavenger hunt outside to keep them entertained after the batting cages, and wanted the prize to be some hidden money.”
“So on Monday I pulled out $20 and got four 5 dollar bills.”
“Today is Thursday, and on his last day of school before break, they were having a party at school, and so I pulled a $5 out of my wallet and handed it to him, and saw the other 3 $5s.”
“I work from home, so I went to my room to go back to work, while in there I heard his friend come inside for 5 minutes before they left together.”
“A little after that, I walked out to get more coffee, and I noticed that both my purse and wallet were open, which is not like me, so I went and looked and saw that I only had one $5 in my purse.”
“I immediately call my son asking if he took $10, which he denies.”
“I say we’ll if you didn’t take it, then your friend must of and he says no.”
“I feel like I should add that I dont think his friend took the money, he has been in my house lots before, and nothing has ever gone missing.”
“My son was with me when I pulled out the money at the store and knew what I had and where it was.”
“My son has also never stolen money, but does sneak extra snacks and cookies, and lies a lot about little things, and his lying has been an issue for a while now, and sadly, I have caught his lying so much I dont believe him much.”
“My son refuses to say what happened and how the money disappeared. “
“There were only the 2 of them in the living room, and I 100% saw it when I handed him the $5.”
“When he got home, we tried to talk about it, but he still says he didn’t do it and neither did his friend.”
“So I told him that his birthday was cancelled, as I feel like he is lying, and I do not trust people in the apartment if he has no clue what happened to my money.”
“A part of me feels like I am overreacting over $10, but I feel like if my son did take it and I let him still have a party, I am setting an example that he can just steal more next time.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP WAS the A**hole.
“YTA. The truth is that you don’t know which kid took your money.”
“Maybe you put it somewhere safe and forgot.”
“Maybe it fell out of your wallet.”
“Your brain fills in details all the time.”
“You could be mistaken about seeing that money in your wallet.”
“I’m a teacher.”
“If I had one of your $5 every time a student swore they remembered turning a paper in, only to find it in their backpack later, I could retire right now.”
“Human brains make mistakes.”
“I get it.”
“Money is tight.”
“It’s stressful.”
“Don’t make this $10 a formative memory that your son will be telling a therapist a decade from now.”
“It’s already hard having a December birthday.”
“Please don’t make it harder for him.” ~ TherinneMoonglow
“This. The number of people saying to punish him for something with absolutely no evidence beyond ‘I’m sure it was him’… what if it was his friend, and he honestly doesn’t know anything about it?”
“Imagine threatening to take away all the nice things, like birthdays and Christmases, when this kid might genuinely have no idea what’s going on. Is there a chance he did the wrong thing? Absolutely.”
“But without proof, OP could simply damage her relationship with her child.”
“Especially in that pre-teen to teen phase, they make a LOT of bad choices.”
“Extreme punishment doesn’t teach them to do anything more than get better at hiding bad behavior.”
“Punishment is reasonable and a tool that parents need to use sometimes (boy, do I know that one!), but without proof?”
“Not for me.” ~ TrashPandaLJTAR
“TA – Only 4 things are possible:”
“Son took the money.”
“Friend took the money, and your son doesn’t know he took it.”
“Friend took the money, and son DOES know it.”
“You made a mistake and/or it just got lost.”
“He’s going to feel like sh*t for 3/4 of those things.”
“Maybe not today, but soon enough.”
“But IF he is innocent, and we all deserve the presumption of innocence, he will remember this for flipping ever.”
“Do YOU remember what it feels like to be wrongly accused, let alone punished for it?”
“He’s already getting screwed every year for being a Christmas Baby – Give him the benefit of the doubt.”
“But also keep your purse secured for a while.” ~ BullwinkleJM
“I remember at 4 years old, a cat that had been hanging around the house, gave birth and tried to move her kittens into my bedroom.”
“I distinctly remember my dad finding her in the hallway, and putting her back outside, since she wasn’t allowed in/not sure whose cat she even was.”
“But I got blamed and punished when a kitten was found in my room.”
“The helplessness of no one believing you when you’re innocent sticks with you.” ~ slangforweed
“This. OP, YTA.”
“For starters, we live in a terrible time with horrible inflation, and I get it.”
“Those $10 matter, and it’s important to you that you can trust your son.”
“At the same time, you need to accept that you DON’T have any evidence against your son or his friend.”
“Is $10 worth damaging your relationship with your son?”
“Do you want to ask for the truth in the future only to hear, ‘Why should I tell you? It’s not like you’ll believe me anyway?'”
“You’re throwing a LOT more away than just a birthday party if you cancel.”
“I think it’s also worth exploring the fact that this isn’t the first time his birthday has been skipped.”
“You already admit that he rarely gets a party, and, as a result, this party probably matters to him significantly more than his peers, who are used to being celebrated yearly.”
“You and your son need to come up with a compromise with respect to future birthdays.”
“I understand money is tight, but is there a reason a sleepover, a movie night, etc., wouldn’t normally work?”
“Or even talking to him and celebrating his half-birthday instead, when there’s a bit more wiggle room financially?”
“It just seems like he has the great misfortune of an inconvenient birthday, and, as a result, he’s missed out on having a party a number of times in the past.”
“$30 won’t get you far, but it can get popcorn, soda, some candy, and a movie rental.”
“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, and, at the same time, I think it’s pretty sad that he’s spent so many years of his short life just pretending his birthday is any other Tuesday.”
“Finally, you and your son should talk about his fibs with respect to taking candy, snacks, etc.”
“Why does he feel the need to lie?”
“Is he maybe hungrier now that he’s growing?”
“Would it help to learn some simple things to cook for himself that might be more filling?”
“Is he embarrassed?”
“Or does he just not want to be in trouble?”
“It’s important to get to the bottom of things to actually resolve the issue around food.”
“From there, you can explain that it was these little lies that made it easier to believe he stole from you.”
“That’s why it’s important to be honest, even about the little things.”
“That way, when something more serious comes up, you know you can take him at his word.” ~ RogueSlytherin
“Soft YTA.”
“Absolutely have a consequence for the missing money.”
“Either he took it, or he knows his friend did; he isn’t being honest, no matter who took it.”
“But! I think special occasions should not be used as punishment.”
‘Cancelling birthdays, Christmas, etc., is wrong in my opinion.”
“Ground him, take away his phone or whatever he thinks is important for a while, not cancel his birthday.”
“Especially because you have said this is not a normal, every-year occurrence.” ~ CrabbiestAsp
“YTA. Your 13-year-old son lies about taking extra snacks.”
“He’s not a thief, he’s hungry.” ~ JudgingYourBehavior
“This has to be handled, but not by canceling.”
“He’s going to be humiliated when everyone is told it’s canceled.”
“Hope you didn’t tell any parents why.”
“He needs to be dealt with and not trusted for a while until he earns it back, but a birthday party for a 13-year-old who hasn’t had a real one like this is cruel.”
“YTA – the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.” ~ Fear_The_Rabbit
This is an unfortunate situation, OP.
If your son is guilty, he needs to learn he can’t behave this way.
Canceling a birthday is rough, though.
You’re in a tough spot.
Good Luck.