Genetics can be incredibly weird and unexpected, and kids might come into this world looking totally different than what we expected.
But that does not mean anyone was cheating, pointed out the members of the "Am I the Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor atmybreakingpointig's young son's hair started turning blond around four months ago, and she noticed how her husband became more and more distant from the son, who did not look like him.
But when he demanded a paternity test, and said he would divorce her when her cheating came to light, the Original Poster (OP) wasn't sure she could look at her husband in the same way anymore.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting by feeling extremely betrayed that my husband doesn't believe our four-month-old baby is his and asked for a paternity test?"
The OP's husband was close to their son when he was born.
"My husband (29 Male) and I (22 Female) have been together for two years now and officially married for one."
"He is Pakistani (dark eyes, dark skin, and dark hair) and I am white (blue eyes, light brown hair, pale), so of course, our child was going to be a mix of our features."
"I think maybe he assumed that our son would mainly look like him, but when our son was born, he was a purplish color with dark hair, which is actually what I looked like when I was born, too."
"He was so in love with him, very much an attentive father, and his favorite thing in the world was the rush into our flat and see him after work."
But when their son's features changed as he grew, her husband's feelings changed, too.
"It's been four months since he was born. His dark hair fell out, and now, it is growing in blond. He has blue eyes, and his skin has grown lighter with age."
"These past few weeks, my husband has been very distant towards him, not as excited, and just more in his thoughts."
"I finally figured out why last night. He frankly asked if I cheated on him, and I told him, of course not, and then he started yelling at me, saying I was lying."
"I asked him why he thought this way, and he said that it was because our son looked nothing like him."
"Facially, my son has a lot of his features (his eye shape and nose), but because he has lighter skin and hair coloring, he is saying I cheated."
"In the argument last night, he referred to him as my son, not our son."
The OP was shocked and hurt when her husband went so far as to demand a paternity test.
"Honestly, I have never been more hurt in my life. I started crying, saying he was his son, and I told him that saying I cheated on him was unforgivable. I would never have suggested I cheated on him if I were in his position."
"He then said he wanted a paternity test, and if he found out I cheated on him, we were getting a divorce."
"I told him this whole thing was asinine, that some babies get darker as they grow up, and I was a white-haired until I was four. He just wouldn't listen to me."
The OP felt like her relationship was over.
"I just feel extremely betrayed that he would ever think that I cheated on him, so even if we do a paternity test (which he wanted to do tomorrow), I feel like the trust in our relationship is gone."
"I guess I want some perspective. Do you think he was right to ask for a paternity test?"
"Is it right that I feel like our relationship won't be the same, regardless of the results (which I know will come back with him as the father)? I just don't know what to think."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
Some guessed that the OP's husband was cheating and projecting his guilt onto the OP.
"NOR. Here's what you do. Get that test. Tell him it's coming. Then tell him the results will be attached to the divorce papers you're sending."
"He's cheating on you. Guaranteed. That's why he's so sure you've done it."
"My husband has a Japanese mom and a white dad. He was honey blonde until he was 13. Genetics are interesting. Cheaters really aren't. And he's projecting all over you."
"Don't waste any more time on him." - mamaallthetime
"I was one hundred percent going to suggest he's cheating."
"Sorry, OP. You're definitely NOR." - Sockerbug19
"NOR. I was bald until I was almost three and then blond until I became an adult. There were no adult, blond blood relatives in my family."
"However, both my mom and her mom were blond at around five, but they became brunettes before second grade. I actually saw a picture of my mom and thought it was me, because I had never seen her with blond hair."
"Genetics are weird."
"Also, yeah, I’ve read too much Reddit to not believe the dude is projecting. He is cheating." - CareyAHHHH
"I won't TOTALLY switch to assuming he's cheating and projecting about it, because his behavior changed when the kid's hair changed to blond."
"Maybe he started cheating around that time, and the combination of his guilt and thinking he had 'proof' through the kid's hair changing led to him acting this way."
"But it seems more likely that he just has nooooo understanding of genetics and reached a false conclusion. So he's an id**t and unwilling to take accountability and is going to ruin his marriage and relationship with his child because of it." - Raskalnekov
"Regardless of culture, when you marry, your number one becomes your spouse."
"For him to be influenced to think you must be cheating because your son doesn't look like what his family would expect is absolute bulls**t."
"There is no excuse for him yelling at you. Personally, I would give him the test and also divorce papers. When it comes back and he is the father, I wouldn't want to be stuck in a marriage where my partner thinks I'm a cheater and allows his family to interfere."
"This is going to be a constant fight for you to prove you are a good fit for their son, and you deserve a much better life than that." - HiraethBella
Others theorized that the OP's husband was rethinking his desire to be a father and was looking for a way out.
"Maybe he wants out. If the baby isn’t his, that gives him the perfect excuse. If it is, and she dumps him because he asked for the test, then he can just say she threw the relationship away over a misunderstanding."
"That way, heeeeee isn’t the AH who just upped and left his wife and newborn."
"I saw that was the case in a similar story on here a while ago. It wouldn’t surprise me if this happens a lot nowadays." - MrsSEM84
"The fact that he's even going so far as ignoring the baby and not referring to him as his anymore is almost the worst part. Not only does he not trust you, but he hasn't even gained any real affection for your shared child in all these months!"
"I feel like any decent human would have a hard time snubbing an innocent baby like this."
"You are NOR. Your husband actually sucks, I'm sorry." - iPokedThePizza
"I kinda wonder if he’s decided he’s 'over' having a baby and wants an excuse to leave that doesn’t make him look like a jacka**." - Redqueenhypo
"I’d be willing to say it’s actually a form of mental abuse. Maybe he’s not happy in the relationship and is looking for any way out." - Fun-Nefariousness813
"Hand him the paternity papers together with the divorce papers. That he’s yelling at op and accusing her of cheating and trying to pass the kid off as his, is grounds for a divorce."
"I wouldn’t be giving him any custody, he didn’t fight for either. I think he is not shaping up to be a good father by neglecting his son." - SnooCheesecakes2723
No matter what the underlying reason for wanting the paternity test was, most said they'd feel so betrayed by this, they'd arrange the paternity test the husband wanted and then give him a combined packet of test results and divorce papers.
"NOR. I feel so bad for you. He doesn't seem to understand how genetics works."
"I would not be able to get past this. I would file for divorce and hand him the papers along with the test results."
"Know that if you decide to stay with him, and you have another child, your soon-to-be ex will accuse you again, or worse, if the second baby looks like him, he will favor them and totally reject your first, neither of which you want." - kittendollie13
"I'd get a paternity test and then file for divorce. You said you'd never forgive him for thinking you cheated, so..."
"You have every right to feel betrayed. NOR." - happyhippy1019
"OP, either way, it's a divorce."
"The trust is gone, and asking for a paternity test is the same as accusing of infidelity. Either way, the relationship is over. Sorry you married such a nunce." - reddit_and_forget_it
"Get the test and hand him the results along with divorce papers. This kind of distrust and betrayal can't be fixed." - GrimFandango81
"I would have the divorce papers signed before handing over the paternity test. Let him think for a minute that he's getting a divorce because you cheated."
"Let him ask, 'So I was right? You were an unfaithful wife?'"
"Then you can smugly tell him, 'No,' and hand him the companion test results. Watch the rug get ripped out from under him."
"But let him believe he was right first. That will sting more." - AttemptOverall7128
"NOR. OP, you need a lawyer ASAP. Your relationship is not salvageable, and this man may attempt to take his son away when he realizes he IS HIS son, and not through proper legal channels."
"Protect yourself and your child immediately. Good Luck, and I am sorry." - Overall-Injury-7620
"NOR. I wonder, while he was telling you he’d divorce you if the paternity test shows the baby isn’t his, what he expects will happen to his marriage when he’s proven wrong."
"Does he think things will just go back to normal with your relationship because HE had HIS doubts put to rest?"
"What about your trust in him? That’s gone. How will he get that back?"
"And throughout all the time he’s been thinking this awful thing about you, he’s distanced himself from his child, and he’ll never get that time back."
"Honestly, I’d get the paternity test done as soon as possible and, once the results are back, give him the truth of what he’s done. I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to trust him again, and that’s no basis for a happy relationship." - Historical_Kick_3294
"NOR. Tell him he can have his paternity test WITH a divorce, and he'll be paying child support, too."
"There is NO REASON to continue a relationship with someone who thinks you cheated. He doesn't trust you. That distrust will come up again."
"Plus, he doesn't understand science/genetics, and clearly isn't willing to learn. You don't want to go through life supporting an id**t." - siriuslyyellow
"So let’s look at it this way: taking the accusation out of it, do you really want to be with someone so unintelligent, controlling, and rude?"
"Do you want to raise your child in a house where you will constantly have to tell them their father is wrong and deal with his stupid antics and tantrums, trying to prove he's the only accurate person in history?" - School_Radiant
"NOR. Your husband lacks trust and common sense."
"My kid had carrot-top red hair for the first year or so of his life. Now he's six and no trace of the ginger genes."
"I'm vampire white despite having two dark/olive colored (but white) parents. My sister has our father's Mediterranean olive skin, but then there's meeeee who can't go out in the sun without frying like a lobster. Even my kid has darker olive skin."
"Genetics are weird." - littlelupie
The subReddit was angry on the OP's behalf, pointing out that the son could have had light features while both of his parents had dark features, or vice versa, and he still would have been their baby.
The fact that he was taking after his mother's features said nothing of the OP's commitment to her partner or what that paternity test would declare.
But the subReddit also reassured the OP that she was not wrong to feel betrayed, and that if it were up to them, they wouldn't continue this marriage after such a cruel and self-centered accusation.
The father's ego was clearly hurt from not having a mini-me, and if that was enough for him to blow up his entire marriage, so be it.
