Saying goodbye to friends or family who don't support you can be difficult. It's easier to cling to past relationships than step away, but what if those relationships are toxic?
Sometimes leaving the past and some people behind is the best thing for a person's future.
A sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback for a proposed solution to her family's transphobia.
Secure-Eye8907 asked:
"AITA for leaving my brother's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother is getting married in a conservative country. I am a trans girl who passes as a woman and am stealth, so I am able to travel with relative ease."
"The issue is my cousins have never really gotten along with me. This got worse when I came out as trans. They disowned me."
"Every wedding there is some drama with them trying to remove me from the family table and send me to go sit in a back corner. There’s been weddings that I’ve just been completely banned from."
"I told my brother I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go. I told him I love him and am so happy for his wedding, but our cousins will just make me miserable."
"He guilt tripped me into coming. He told me everything will be fine, that no one will bother me because this is *his* wedding and I am his sister. I naively believed him."
"What bothers me is that when they ridicule me, exclude me from family activities, and treat me like sh*t, he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t stand up for me. He tells me that he doesn’t want to ruin his relationships with multiple people over one person (me)."
"Our siblings always dance at weddings, but before I came I was told that no one will dance with me. It was hard to accept, but I swallowed it. One of my cousins agreed to dance with me and then backed out a day before."
"Throughout the wedding events, my cousins exclude me from whatever they can. There's been two wedding events I missed because my family didn’t even invite me/forgot to, but my extended family got to go. Even though I’m the one staying up until 3am preparing his wedding goody bags while his beloved cousins sleep."
"Tonight, my brother and I were out late at night and my cousins needed a ride. We have a driver and in our culture it’s custom for a man to sit in the front seat because it’s considered immodest for a woman to sit in the front seat next to a male driver."
"When we went to pick my cousins up, I was in the backseat and my brother was in the front as our culture dictates. They threw a fit because they didn’t want to sit next to me even though we were going out of our way to pick them up. Instead of asking them to find their own ride, my brother makes me go sit in the front seat."
"After everything I’ve dealt with, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. It felt humiliating that he chose their bigotry over my respect. Part of me says I should be grateful I get to participate in some parts of the wedding because in our culture, trans people are thrown to the streets."
"There’s so many homeless, familyless trans folks that would kill for the opportunity to be 'tolerated' in the way that I am by my brother. At the same time, how much am I supposed to tolerate? I would never let anyone treat my brother like that."
"AITA for getting on the next flight out, missing the rest of his wedding events and going on a tropical vacation to make myself feel better?"
"Or should I stay for my brother's wedding events because this is about him, not me, and i’m blowing a small thing out of proportion?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I’m planning on leaving my brother's wedding. I’m making his wedding about me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He says he loves you, but actions speak louder than words." ~ YeaRight228
"Yes OP, follow this advice. He's shown you who he is, so listen to his actions instead of his words now. NTA." ~ BigBackeron
"Exactly. He keeps picking his cousins' comfort over his sister's basic dignity. That's not love, that's convenience." ~ FunQuantity6074
"NTA, but I'm sorry to inform you that your brother is not the ally he should be. If he's willing to accommodate the feelings of bigots when they act like bigots, then he's a bigot." ~ RaziellaLee
"Girl, take your tropical vacation. He's already made it clear where stands and you deserve a treat." ~ that-witch-you-deny
"He can't defend you or protect you or include you because he wants to preserve his relationship with people who are deliberately cruel to you. Let that sink in."
"Maintaining a relationship with people who go out of their way to hurt you is so important to your brother that he allows them to do it right in front of him and if there's ever a choice presented, he'll choose them. He may not be actively participating in your torment, but he doesn't object to it."
"Let me guess, where you and your brother live, there would have been social consequences if he acted transphobic toward you. He's an ally who supports you when it serves him and a bigot enabler when it doesn't. And he's got free labor (you) working on his wedding, but he can't be arsed to make sure you're invited to all of the events (or he deliberately made sure you weren't).That's not love, it's manipulation and opportunism."
"Good riddance to bad rubbish. That works for relatives, too. Ditch the wedding, your brother, and all of these losers. Cut this cancer out of your life. You deserve better than 'at least they didn’t kick me out on the street'." ~ MohawMais
"NTA. Tolerated isn’t loved. There’s a beach calling your name." ~ Trick_Few
"NTA. Sometimes you have to leave your family or origin behind and move on with a found family of friends who care about you." ~ badpandacat
"I’m just going to be bold and to the point, I mean no ill intent, and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings…your brother may say he has your back and it is not a problem, but he has done nothing to show this to be true. Listening to cousins over his own sister?"
"The biggest example is the one that you gave. You were out with your brother, your cousins needed a ride somewhere, and you were forced to sit in the front seat where males typically sit. You were doing these terrible cousins a favor, and yet you were the one that was made to feel bad."
"I’m not saying your brother doesn’t love you, I’m just saying he does not have your back, he’s always going to pick cousins and other people over you in these situations. He has proven it."
"Take the money you were going to spend on the wedding and take yourself somewhere nice. Or, bank that cash and stay home and have a girlie spa day."
"Your brother may be blood, but blood doesn’t always mean family."
"Protect your peace. Protect yourself. Let the trash take itself out of your life." ~ AnnNonNeeMous
"NTA. He has sadly shown over and over again that he is in fact not your ally. He will not stand up for you like he says he would."
"Go on that tropical vacation girl and while you're at it, temporarily mute/block him and other family members from messaging you." ~ Madam_J100
"He has sadly shown over and over again that he is in fact not your ally. He will not stand up for you like he says he would."
"OP, just because he isn't openly transphobic like the rest of your family, he is still in fact not as tolerant as you believe he is."
"He 'tolerates' you because it makes him look good, that's it, if it had no benefit to him he would exclude you just as openly as the rest of your blood connections (these people do not deserve to be called family)."
"It sucks, but your brother has been hiding his true feelings and allowing the rest of his family to treat you the way he is too scared to treat you himself despite feeling the same way as them."
"Leave, take that beach side getaway, and when you return it's to start a new chapter where you find people who love you for the person you are. Create a new family, one you deserve, because your blood connections don't deserve you." ~ Environmental_Art591
"NTA and I would go NC with your entire family, your brother too- because make no mistake, while he is not saying a vile things that they are saying, he is expecting you to stay quiet and put up with vitriol for the sake of keeping the peace and it’s disgusting."
"Your second to last paragraph reminds me of so many survivors of physical domestic violence who end up in a new abusive relationship, but always think 'well he doesn’t hit me so it’s not abuse'."
"You deserve so much better and you are also way better than all of them. It’s easier for me to say this because I don’t come from a culture like that, but I hope that youre able to find your own found family." ~ Purple-Warning-2161
The OP offered an update:
"I got on the next flight out, I'm spending the week on an island drinking from coconuts by the water."
"My brother tried apologizing profusely once he realized I was actually leaving, but it was too little too late. I was crying my eyes out on the plane, but I feel a lot better now. Scared, a bit lonely, but definitely a lot better."
"I’ve been dealing with this sh*t for almost a decade, it’s time to let go of what’s familiar just because it’s comfortable. I deserve to be loved and respected, you all are right."
"It’s a bit overwhelming to think I just left my only brother's wedding, but, oh well, I tried my best & made it to a few events. I’d like to hope this could give time for others to reflect, but let’s be honest, nobody’s ever changing."
"One funny highlight: when all this drama got around, my family people tried saying they didn’t want to sit next to me in the car because I was trying to sit between two of them who are married. Mind you, they never even opened the door to see I scooted all the way down to the other door to give them their space. They just saw me in the car & basically told me to gtfo."
"Delusions of grandeur plague these people, which requires keeping up appearances, and I, for one, am not sticking around to play whatever power play obsession they all have."
It may be difficult to let go of family, but OP needed to put her health and safety over clinging to bigots who will never change.
