Saying goodbye to friends or family who don't support you can be difficult. It's easier to cling to past relationships than step away, but what if those relationships are toxic?
Sometimes leaving the past and some people behind is the best thing for a person's future.
A sister turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback for a proposed solution to her family's transphobia.
Secure-Eye8907 asked:
"AITA for leaving my brother's wedding?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My brother is getting married in a conservative country. I am a trans girl who passes as a woman and am stealth, so I am able to travel with relative ease."
"The issue is my cousins have never really gotten along with me. This got worse when I came out as trans. They disowned me."
"Every wedding there is some drama with them trying to remove me from the family table and send me to go sit in a back corner. There’s been weddings that I’ve just been completely banned from."
"I told my brother I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go. I told him I love him and am so happy for his wedding, but our cousins will just make me miserable."
"He guilt tripped me into coming. He told me everything will be fine, that no one will bother me because this is *his* wedding and I am his sister. I naively believed him."
"What bothers me is that when they ridicule me, exclude me from family activities, and treat me like sh*t, he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t stand up for me. He tells me that he doesn’t want to ruin his relationships with multiple people over one person (me)."
"Our siblings always dance at weddings, but before I came I was told that no one will dance with me. It was hard to accept, but I swallowed it. One of my cousins agreed to dance with me and then backed out a day before."
"Throughout the wedding events, my cousins exclude me from whatever they can. There's been two wedding events I missed because my family didn’t even invite me/forgot to, but my extended family got to go. Even though I’m the one staying up until 3am preparing his wedding goody bags while his beloved cousins sleep."
"Tonight, my brother and I were out late at night and my cousins needed a ride. We have a driver and in our culture it’s custom for a man to sit in the front seat because it’s considered immodest for a woman to sit in the front seat next to a male driver."
"When we went to pick my cousins up, I was in the backseat and my brother was in the front as our culture dictates. They threw a fit because they didn’t want to sit next to me even though we were going out of our way to pick them up. Instead of asking them to find their own ride, my brother makes me go sit in the front seat."
"After everything I’ve dealt with, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. It felt humiliating that he chose their bigotry over my respect. Part of me says I should be grateful I get to participate in some parts of the wedding because in our culture, trans people are thrown to the streets."
"There’s so many homeless, familyless trans folks that would kill for the opportunity to be 'tolerated' in the way that I am by my brother. At the same time, how much am I supposed to tolerate? I would never let anyone treat my brother like that."
"AITA for getting on the next flight out, missing the rest of his wedding events and going on a tropical vacation to make myself feel better?"
"Or should I stay for my brother's wedding events because this is about him, not me, and i’m blowing a small thing out of proportion?"
The OP summed up why they might be the a**hole in their situation.
"I’m planning on leaving my brother's wedding. I’m making his wedding about me."
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors unanimously decided the OP was definitely not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. He says he loves you, but actions speak louder than words." ~ YeaRight228
"Yes OP, follow this advice. He's shown you who he is, so listen to his actions instead of his words now. NTA." ~ BigBackeron
"Exactly. He keeps picking his cousins' comfort over his sister's basic dignity. That's not love, that's convenience." ~ FunQuantity6074
"NTA, but I'm sorry to inform you that your brother is not the ally he should be. If he's willing to accommodate the feelings of bigots when they act like bigots, then he's a bigot." ~ RaziellaLee
"Girl, take your tropical vacation. He's already made it clear where stands and you deserve a treat." ~ that-witch-you-deny
"He can't defend you or protect you or include you because he wants to preserve his relationship with people who are deliberately cruel to you. Let that sink in."
"Maintaining a relationship with people who go out of their way to hurt you is so important to your brother that he allows them to do it right in front of him and if there's ever a choice presented, he'll choose them. He may not be actively participating in your torment, but he doesn't object to it."
"Let me guess, where you and your brother live, there would have been social consequences if he acted transphobic toward you. He's an ally who supports you when it serves him and a bigot enabler when it doesn't. And he's got free labor (you) working on his wedding, but he can't be arsed to make sure you're invited to all of the events (or he deliberately made sure you weren't).That's not love, it's manipulation and opportunism."
"Good riddance to bad rubbish. That works for relatives, too. Ditch the wedding, your brother, and all of these losers. Cut this cancer out of your life. You deserve better than 'at least they didn’t kick me out on the street'." ~ MohawMais
"NTA. Tolerated isn’t loved. There’s a beach calling your name." ~ Trick_Few
"NTA. Sometimes you have to leave your family or origin behind and move on with a found family of friends who care about you." ~ badpandacat
"I’m just going to be bold and to the point, I mean no ill intent, and I don’t mean to hurt your feelings…your brother may say he has your back and it is not a problem, but he has done nothing to show this to be true. Listening to cousins over his own sister?"
"The biggest example is the one that you gave. You were out with your brother, your cousins needed a ride somewhere, and you were forced to sit in the front seat where males typically sit. You were doing these terrible cousins a favor, and yet you were the one that was made to feel bad."
"I’m not saying your brother doesn’t love you, I’m just saying he does not have your back, he’s always going to pick cousins and other people over you in these situations. He has proven it."
"Take the money you were going to spend on the wedding and take yourself somewhere nice. Or, bank that cash and stay home and have a girlie spa day."
"Your brother may be blood, but blood doesn’t always mean family."
"Protect your peace. Protect yourself. Let the trash take itself out of your life." ~ AnnNonNeeMous
"NTA. He has sadly shown over and over again that he is in fact not your ally. He will not stand up for you like he says he would."
"Go on that tropical vacation girl and while you're at it, temporarily mute/block him and other family members from messaging you." ~ Madam_J100
"He has sadly shown over and over again that he is in fact not your ally. He will not stand up for you like he says he would."
"OP, just because he isn't openly transphobic like the rest of your family, he is still in fact not as tolerant as you believe he is."
"He 'tolerates' you because it makes him look good, that's it, if it had no benefit to him he would exclude you just as openly as the rest of your blood connections (these people do not deserve to be called family)."
"It sucks, but your brother has been hiding his true feelings and allowing the rest of his family to treat you the way he is too scared to treat you himself despite feeling the same way as them."
"Leave, take that beach side getaway, and when you return it's to start a new chapter where you find people who love you for the person you are. Create a new family, one you deserve, because your blood connections don't deserve you." ~ Environmental_Art591
"NTA and I would go NC with your entire family, your brother too- because make no mistake, while he is not saying a vile things that they are saying, he is expecting you to stay quiet and put up with vitriol for the sake of keeping the peace and it’s disgusting."
"Your second to last paragraph reminds me of so many survivors of physical domestic violence who end up in a new abusive relationship, but always think 'well he doesn’t hit me so it’s not abuse'."
"You deserve so much better and you are also way better than all of them. It’s easier for me to say this because I don’t come from a culture like that, but I hope that youre able to find your own found family." ~ Purple-Warning-2161
The OP offered an update:
"I got on the next flight out, I'm spending the week on an island drinking from coconuts by the water."
"My brother tried apologizing profusely once he realized I was actually leaving, but it was too little too late. I was crying my eyes out on the plane, but I feel a lot better now. Scared, a bit lonely, but definitely a lot better."
"I’ve been dealing with this sh*t for almost a decade, it’s time to let go of what’s familiar just because it’s comfortable. I deserve to be loved and respected, you all are right."
"It’s a bit overwhelming to think I just left my only brother's wedding, but, oh well, I tried my best & made it to a few events. I’d like to hope this could give time for others to reflect, but let’s be honest, nobody’s ever changing."
"One funny highlight: when all this drama got around, my family people tried saying they didn’t want to sit next to me in the car because I was trying to sit between two of them who are married. Mind you, they never even opened the door to see I scooted all the way down to the other door to give them their space. They just saw me in the car & basically told me to gtfo."
"Delusions of grandeur plague these people, which requires keeping up appearances, and I, for one, am not sticking around to play whatever power play obsession they all have."
It may be difficult to let go of family, but OP needed to put her health and safety over clinging to bigots who will never change.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp