Redditor bridesman16 is a 27-year-old woman who is getting married next year.
We all know how stressful it is to plan the perfect wedding, and the road to her nuptials was no exception.
The drama involved her and her brother butting heads over his position in the wedding party, which led to him making her out to be a bridezilla.
She visited the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITA) subReddit and asked:
"AITA for asking my trans brother to be my 'bridesman?'”
The Original Poster (OP) explained what led to their conflict:
"My (27 F) brother 'Jake' (fake name; 25 M) transitioned from female to male three years ago. I was and am completely supportive of him."
"I am getting married next year, and I’ve been gathering my bridesmaid team. My twin sister is going to be my maid of honor, and it was also important for me to have Jake with me at the alter."
"So, I asked Jake if he would be my 'bridesman' and be part of my side of the wedding party. I didn’t think it would be an issue at all, but Jake freaked out."
"Jake said that he should be a groomsman for my fiancé because he doesn’t want to be seen with my bridesmaids (all 3 of whom are girls) because people will just think he was a girl."
"He accused me of asking him to be a bridesman because I still thought of him as a girl, which isn’t true."
"I explained to him that it didn’t make any sense for him to stand by my fiancé because they’ve only met a handful of times, and my fiancé already has the budget-approved number of groomsmen."
"And besides, Jake is MY brother, and I want him to stand by and support me during the wedding. Plus, before Jake transitioned, I always planned to include him in my wedding. So why should his gender change anything about that?"
"I see his argument that it might make him feel dysphoric, but having bridesmen is becoming a more common tradition. Besides, he has a beard and he’d be wearing a suit, so there’s no way anyone would think he was a girl."
"Jake and I fought back and forth for a while, and I finally snapped and told him he couldn’t be in the wedding at all if he didn’t want to stand on my side."
"He called me an a**hole, and it made me feel awful. I guess I needed to vent about it to strangers, so AITA?"
Strangers online were asked to declare one of the following:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
Many Redditors thought the OP was not the a**hole here.
"NTA, you aren’t telling him he has to restrict how he dresses, or making him dress like a gender he isn’t - this has no element of transphobia, he can be the bridesMAN he actually is."
"I always think it’s weird when people stand on the opposite persons side to keep genders separated. He’s a brides’ man, he’s your bro."
"But if you’re from an area where that’s super weird I can kinda get where he’s coming from." – whateverathrowaway00
"I went to a gay wedding once where both grooms had a male/female mix on both sides. Some naturally ended up paired male/female but there were two female/female pairs too."
"No one cared, pics looked awesome and it’s one of the best weddings I’ve ever been to. Appreciate it’s not a ‘traditional wedding’ but I’m English and of all the weddings I’ve been to only one was in a church with bride/female party and groom/male party scenario as it’s becoming less about tradition now and more about celebrating the people instead of the church." – Throwmelikeamelon
"I was a bridesmaid in a wedding 6 years ago where the best 'man' was a woman. She wore a similar but slightly different dress to the bridesmaids. She did the stag do and also attended the hen do as the dd lol."
"I also plan to ask my guy friend to be a bridesman in my future wedding, and my ex-fiancé was planning to have our mutual girl friend (how we met) be his groomswoman."
"He can choose not to be a bridesman if he doesn't feel comfortable, but him claiming you're being transphobic is out of line. NTA." – I_Have_Questions95
"I plan on having bridespeople regardless of gender whenever I get married. Perhaps even combining wedding parties, since mine and my partners' friends overlap to such an extent that it would be weird to have to choose or make our friends choose which 'side' to be on."
"Of course, me and my partner and most of the people I would want to consider for the wedding party are LGBTQ+, so the wedding culture is less gendered to begin with."
"I can understand why OP's brother would react negatively to being a bridesman if he would be the only person who was not the same gender as the member of the couple they were on the side of."
"If he was cisgender, he might care less since no one would see it as challenging his gender (barring awful levels of masculinity where anything not hypermasculine means you must be less than other men), but since he's likely spent years having his gender challenged, this is potentially a sore point for him."
"OP is definitely NTA, and IMO the brother is only somewhat and understandably an AH. I hope he thinks about it and is able to come around to the idea, and that his response was just a bad knee jerk reaction." – colorsofthestorm
"If this is a sore spot for OP's brother because he thinks it's challenging his gender by being the only guy on that side, then he might want to talk to someone about that as to why it makes him feel that way. Doesn't even have to be a councilor or therapist, can be a close friend or family member."
"I'm trans myself so I get the dysphoria and how much it sucks and hurts to be misgendered. At the same time though, I know not everything is gendered and when I start putting gender to things that really don't need it, I know I need to talk to someone."
"And weddings are one thing where, if he's putting gender to it because the names(groomsman, bridesmaid), he needs to talk to someone as to why. While the terms groomswomen and bridesman aren't often used(that I've seen), there have been female groomsmen and male bridesmaids in a ton of weddings before OP's." – KupoKro
"Trans guy here."
"To a point I can understand the dysphoria it might give him, but to immediately jump to accusations of transphobia definitely was bit much. If he was bothered by the notion could’ve kindly said 'I want to support you but I feel like that would give me dysphoria.' And you could’ve said 'That is not what I intended, but I understand if it would be too much for you.'”
"Personally I wouldn’t be bothered by this and I would’ve been honoured to be a bridesman at my sisters wedding, since I’m not really big on the whole traditional wedding rules."
"Plus, the idea of only girls on the brides side and only men on the grooms side is slowly becoming not the norm anymore. When I get married I’m going to have both a best man and a best women. But not everyone is like that."
"Overall I’m gunna go with NTA but I’m hesitant to call him an asshole if he’s put up with a lack of acceptance from his family in the past because that can put someone on edge, always wondering if the acceptance is real or just to keep the peace."
"I think your best course of action here is to explain that you didn’t mean to cause harm by putting him what is usually perceived as a traditionally feminine role, and you support him fully and simply want him there to support you. If he refuses to accept that and see it in any way other than the way he currently is, then that’s on him." – deaddlikelatin
"As another trans guy i think this is the best response i've seen so far, jumping to transphobia was too far and a very defensive reaction on his part, but i also understand why it may be dysphoria inducing."
"what all the cis people in this comment section are failing to understand is that dysphoria isn't logical, no matter how much you know something like being a bridesman doesn't actually invalidate your gender, your brain has already been programmed to associate that with your gender assigned at birth, and you're hyper aware of this association because of the incongruence in your assigned gender and gender identity."
"it's hard to undo years worth of societal programming no matter how illogical is, especially when those associations have been the cause of so much distress. especially since it sounds like everyone on the groom's side is male and everyone besides him on the bride's side is female it reinforces that more in his brain, and he probably doesn't feel comfortable being a part of things like hen's nights that come along with being a part of the wedding party when everyone but him is a girl too."
– trashcanofficial420
In case anyone was wondering, the OP updated the post to clarify:
"He’s still invited to the wedding as a guest, I just told him he can’t be in the wedding party if he’s not a bridesman."
Although Redditors understood the brother's frustration in feeling dysphoric, they hoped he would reassess and strongly reconsider accommodating his sister's wishes on her wedding day.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp