Weddings require a huge amount of patience and planning, and when the event has to be postponed for some reason, there’s even more time to plan the fine details.
But it also provides more of an opportunity for something to go wrong with the couple-to-be, pointed out the “Am I the A**hole?” (AITA) subReddit.
Redditor Elegant-Scholar-7566 was surprised when her future husband’s best friend came out and began her transition process.
But when her future husband wanted her involved as his Best Woman instead of Best Man, the Original Poster (OP) had reservations.
She asked the sub:
“AITA for telling my fiancé that he needs to pick a new best man?”
The OP was planning a wedding that was postponed because of the pandemic.
“My fiancé, Kevin (28 Male), and I (30 Female) had initially planned to get married a few years ago, but due to the fact that the world was falling apart, we postponed it until things calmed down and our family felt safer at a big event.”
“We’ve now set a date for this coming August, and as we get closer, more and more thoughts keep coming to me about how it should go.”
One of the OP’s reservations was unexpected.
“My biggest issue is that Kevin’s best man is no longer his best man and is now his best woman.”
“Kevin and Amy (26 Female) have been friends for a little over a decade, and when they first met up two years ago when our wedding was supposed to happen, Amy identified as a man.”
“Kevin and Amy have always had a very close with an almost sibling-like relationship. Kevin had been kicked out by his mom at 17 and met Amy at work shortly after. She’s been very close with him, and he’s told me multiple times that she is the closest thing he has to any family.”
The OP did not feel involved in Amy’s news.
“Initially, Amy had planned to not come out to Kevin until after the wedding, but after finding out that the wedding was going to be delayed, she came out to him.”
“Without consulting me, Kevin told her that he was fine with all of that and that if she was at a stage where she’d like to wear a dress when our wedding happened, he would find her a dress that matched the colors he had for his groomsmen.”
“Amy has been medically transitioning for about a year or less now, and Kevin told me that we need to find her a dress.”
The OP had reservations about Amy’s transition.
“I don’t have a problem with Amy, and I understand how close she is to Kevin, but our wedding is largely for my very traditional family.”
“Kevin has often said that this wedding isn’t that important to him and that the only reason he’s doing it is that it’s important to me and my family.”
“I know that my family would have a lot of issues with Amy which I’m sure would bring a lot of unwanted or outright rude attention toward her.”
The OP offered her future husband a solution.
“For this reason, I’ve asked my fiancé to choose someone else to be his best man and request that Amy attend as just a guest.”
“This has led to a large fight between the two of us with Kevin threatening to cancel the wedding if Amy can’t be part of the wedding party because he wants someone from his family in it.”
“I’m trying to get him to understand the issues this will cause, but I’m not sure he gets it.”
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You’re the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some were appalled by the transphobia of the situation.
“This is incredibly transphobic! Amy is his best friend, and when your fiancé chooses her, you have to respect that, and so does your family.”
“Your family is the problem, not Amy. And you should hold your fiancé’s back and support his decision if you want your relationship to last.” – realstareyes
“This is transphobia, a thousand times over. Your family’s views are the problem. And that you’re more worried about them than your future husband’s decision.”
“This is a MARRIAGE, not a one-day wedding.” – Possible-Plane-756
“My first red flag is when she said her family is ‘traditional,’ which we all know that’s code for homophobic, transphobic, racist, sexist, and basically all the bad things.”
“Usually, when people don’t agree with their families on things they just call it like it is, the fact she used the word ‘traditional’ worries me.” – TheNickyKos
“The OP’s like, ‘I’m not transphobic, but we need to cater to the demands of the people who are because they are perfectly entitled to their perfectly valid views!'” – MajorNoodles
“Do you know the difference between a transphobe and someone who caters to transphobes? Nothing. They’re all transphobes.”
“And by they, I mean you, OP. However much you think you’re not, you’re transphobic.”
“This wedding should not take place. You’re not trying to marry your fiancé, you’re trying to put on a show for your family, a show for close-minded bigots.”
“Your fiancé thought he was marrying a partner, but you’ve disabused him of that notion. He’s marrying a coward, who only ‘supports’ people when it won’t cost her anything. YTA.” – Cangrande1314
“I hope this is the wake-up call that Kevin needs to call off this engagement. I don’t think this is the kind of family he wants to marry into.”
“How very telling that OP’s only concerned with appeasing her bigoted family, and demands Kevin exclude the single most important person in his life.”
“YTA, obviously.” – Alarmed_Jellyfish555
Others were side-eyeing the OP much more than her family.
“Oh, you know she shares their views. She’s just using them as an excuse so she can pretend she’s not transphobic as h**l.” – L1ttleFr0g
“The OP’s like, ‘I’m not transphobic! But my family is, so please do this sh*tty thing to your best friend on behalf of my family. But not me! I’m not transphobic!'” – Jjustinggraham
“The OP said, ‘Without consulting me Kevin told Amy he was ok with all that.’ All… what? Amy wearing a dress? Amy putting her soul on the line and trusting her best friend with who she is? What does Kevin need to consult her over?” – WheresMyTan
“How is Amy’s business known to OP’s family? It’s her transphobia, ignorance, and jealousy shining bright. YTA OP, a massive one.” – Impressive-Tough6629
“If Amy’s medically transitioning, how is OP’s extended family going to know anything other than, ‘This is Amy, my husband’s best friend/sister!’ Unless OP goes and tells them that Amy was assigned male at birth?”
“OP needs to stop telling her family other people’s personal medical history.” – OrindaSarnia
“I’m guessing since Amy’s only been medically transitioning for less than three years, she won’t ‘pass’ yet. OP is anticipating her family to come up with questions.”
“From the fact that OP respects Amy’s pronouns, I’ll give her the benefit of doubt and assume she isn’t transphobic herself. But she still needs to call her family out. They are not ‘traditional,’ they’re transphobic.”
“If it was my wedding, I’d just tell my extended family, ‘it’s MY wedding and none of your business. Keep your offensive questions to yourselves or get the f**k out of my wedding.'” – JoeSanderShipper
“YTA and again, YTA for making this about your ‘traditional’ family.”
“Kevin deserves to have the best man he wants, even if she is a woman. This is important to him. This is his day also, and Amy is the only family he has.”
“I’ve seen weddings with a woman as the best man several times without anyone clutching their pearls or dying from the vapors.”
“This doesn’t have anything to do with gender it has to do with her being transgender. It sounds like Amy is a wonderful person who has been there for Kevin when he needed her. There isn’t any valid reason to push her out of the wedding.” – vomitthewords
“Your guy let you run loose with the wedding. Make all the decisions because he knows it’s super important to you and to your family. His one request is that his only family member, his best friend, be his best woman!!! It’s completely understandable that he is livid and threatening to cancel the wedding.”
“If you care for Amy and respect your husband-to-be, you will not only accept Amy as his best woman with open arms, make her feel completely accepted, but also put a STRICT BOUNDARY or wedding etiquette if you will that ANYONE who is caught making any rude/transphobic remarks towards Amy or at the wedding will be asked and forced to leave.”
“Give your so-called traditional family a heads up and remind them seriously multiple times that this a zero tolerance issue and this boundary is not to be crossed and if they spoil your wedding day with their transphobic behavior, there will be h**l to pay.”
“You can tell them: I am telling you in advance this, so you are not surprised when security escorts you out of the venue.”
“This is the only way to proceed you cannot sweep Amy under the rug, she is not a dirty secret. She is a spectacular human being who stood by your husband’s side when all of his family deserted him! She is family!”
“YTA, but you still can salvage this!” – Unique_Jewel1618
The subReddit was furious about the post and how the OP spoke about her future husband’s best friend and best woman. It could be that she was still unlearning what she had been taught by her “traditional” family, but if she didn’t take action immediately, there wouldn’t be a wedding for the OP to worry about.