How people choose to live in a relationship is a private matter.
As long as nobody is hurting anyone, most people tend to agree that it's no one else's business.
One popular romantic situation is throuples.
This posed a couple of problems for the couple tying the knot.
Redditor TheCrankyMule wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not letting my brother bring the third member f his throuple to my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My brother has been in a relationship with a guy whom we’ve met several times, and they both were invited to my destination wedding, which is only 48 people of the people closest to us."
"They recently entered into a throuple with some guy we’ve never met."
"There’s been a ton of drama already."
"I honestly didn’t even know the throuple was back on until my brother asked my wife to add 3 for his headcount."
"My brother and I are not close at all, and I’m pretty pissed he had the audacity to ask."
"I have no problem with my brother being gay, but if I’m being honest, I think the throuple is weird and a bit bullsh*t."
"He’s been in throuples before, and they all ended horribly, even causing him to leave his husband."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA if I tell him no? "
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. It's the 'No Ring, No Bring' rule's more logical cousin: 'No Face, No Space.'"
"If OP hasn't even shared a coffee with them, they shouldn't be sharing the head table." ~ CoconutHuge8766
"It's exactly this."
"My husband and I are polyamorous, and at the point his sister got married, we were in a recent but solid relationship with our third partner (that is now 9+ years long)."
"We did not even consider asking; it seems so ludicrous to me."
"Now that we're fully long-term, raising kids together, it would be weird for us not to be invited as a unit, but back then?"
"No way." ~ avalinka
"NTA. But don’t frame it as being about the throuple, just tell him the guest list has already been decided on, and it is too late to add to it."
"Tell him he can come alone or choose which one he wants to bring and leave it at that." ~ MrsSEM84
"Exactly. As soon as you make it about the 'lifestyle,' he gets to play the victim card and claim discrimination."
"Keeping it strictly about the headcount and the 'known guests only' policy makes it an objective logistics issue, not a personal judgment." ~ Leading_Tap9263
"It's not even about the throuple thing or the fact that he's gay or even the possible drama."
"You are having a small, intimate wedding, and you've never met this person."
"They aren't close to you and don't meet the criteria to be included. NTA.." ~ molotovmerkin
"NTA. I’m in a relationship like this, and all 3 of us would expect an invitation that says '+1.'”
"We then decide who is CLOSER TO THE COUPLE and should attend."
"In this case, the newest person doesn’t know you and doesn’t get the invite."
"Look, I get it as the 3rd person."
"It feels like you’re excluded from the couple's life."
"You don’t feel like a full partner a lot."
"But that is on the 3 of them to figure out, not on you to fix with your wedding guest list."
"Also, it’s just red flags all around this soon." ~ LesserKnownJen
"I don’t have this specific relationship model myself, but my husband and I know a lot about the E[thical]-Non]-M[onogomy] space (just operate a little differently than this.) I completely agree with this assessment!"
"Weddings aren’t a way to gain legitimacy for your new relationships - they are about celebrating a new step for the people getting married."
"If it’s a big wedding and you want to invite everyone you've ever met and whatever current fling they’re having at the moment, that’s a fine thing."
"But your wedding isn’t that, OP. No reason to treat this new partner of your brother’s like any other new partner of a relative or friend."
"If you wouldn’t accommodate other similar folks, you should apply that same rule to this relationship."
"Just because your bro is nonmonogamous does not mean other rules of etiquette must be disposed of."
"Even if he has a relationship anarchy relationship style, you don’t have to." ~ Clockstruck12
"NTA. Particularly for such a small, close-knit wedding."
"Funny that your brother didn't ask you, but asked your fiancé."
"You can reply back that the invitation is ONLY for your brother and the guy you know."
"Brother can decline (or threaten to decline); that's his choice."
"If you think your brother would actually try to sneak the third person in, you may want to make sure someone is in charge of preventing that." ~ swillshop
"NTA. I say this as a member of the LGBTQ+ community."
"It's a small, intimate wedding."
"You are inviting people you know and love."
"You know your brother's initial partner."
"It's fine, they added another member to their relationship and have decided to have a non-conventional relationship."
"But you don't know this person, your family doesn't know this person, and your wedding isn't the time to introduce it."
"I would kindly say this: This is not a judgment on you or your relationships."
"I am happy for you."
"But my wedding isn't the time to introduce new people and dynamics to the family."
"You and (initial partner) are welcome, and I hope you will come."
"I really look forward to meeting (third person) in the future." ~ Late_Resource_1653
"You are NTA for not wanting someone at your wedding you've never met."
"It's a small wedding with the people closest to you."
"I would leave your opinions about triplets out of it."
"It's not relevant for this question, and it gives him an opportunity to claim you're judging him and to play the victim."
"You are indeed judging him, but that's not the reason for the denied invite." ~ ProfessorDistinct835
"I'm a big supporter of poly relationships, but if you're having a small, intimate wedding with only close friends and family, I can understand not wanting to invite someone you've never met."
"If it were a bigger wedding where other people were getting plus ones, that would be a different story. NTA." ~ twilighttruth
"Yeah, there are so many people locked on OP's hangups on the throuple aspect, but they also said there has been a lot of drama with the newer member of the relationship and that they have met the person who has been their brother's partner the longest."
"I think OP is NTA because, at least from what I can ascertain from the post, that third partner may not even be in the picture by the date of the wedding."
"And saying, 'We're keeping it smaller and only inviting people we know' is a smart strategy here." ~ tape_reel
"NTA - you have not met the new member of the throuple (I am assuming a few other members of your 48 closest destination wedding guests have either), and there has already been big drama - your destination wedding is not the time or the place to host the new partner and introduce him to everyone."
"Expect drama either way." ~ LeeAllen3
"NTA. Setting aside everything else, let's pretend for a moment that your brother is not in a throuple, and this is just a new boyfriend."
"Would you invite a random new boyfriend to your destination wedding with only intimate friends and family at the last moment?"
"No, you would not, and no one would think oddly of it."
"If this were an established, stable family group, it could get a lot stickier, so count your blessings and move on." ~ ThreeDogs2022
"NTA. The third wasn’t there when you invited him."
"It’s your wedding, invite who you want."
"Make it clear to brother and bf that only they are invited; if an extra shows up, all 3 will be kicked out."
"At their wedding, they can invite whomever, but it’s yours, and you only want people with whom you are close."
"Also, your brother knew it was a wrong ask because he went to ask your fiancé and not you." ~ throwaway2117000
"NTA. People get a plus one, this isn’t like making restaurant reservations, 'Yes, can I get 3 for OP's wedding?'"
"I’d be angry too, thinking it’s ok to call and ask to get an additional guest at someone else’s wedding is quite entitled."
"Also, it sounds like you’re trying to keep the event numbers lower."
"You haven’t met the 3rd partner, so really, they have no business being included in your wedding with a limited guest list." ~ Foxy_locksy1704
"NTA, but I could go either way on what u should do depending on your invite strategy."
"Does everyone get a plus-one?"
"Or are you only inviting couples who have been together a while?"
"I think if everyone gets a plus one without restrictions, you could extend this to his third, but you wouldn't be TA for not doing so."
"If you're only inviting serious couples, then it def doesn't make sense to extend an invite."
"Also, try to be less judgmental about his nonmonogamy; it doesn't hurt you at all." ~ tsplantdaddy
Reddit is on your side, OP.
Your wedding, your rules.
It's one day, and he still gets to bring his other partner.
Your brother can invite whoever he wants to his next wedding.
Good Luck.
