Content Warning: Mentions of Drug Use, Alcoholism, Adoption, and Financial Abuse
Many people have exceptionally big hearts, and they want to help others, whether that's by giving them money, making them feel at home, or some other form of security.
But at the end of the day, that person is not actually their responsibility, especially if the person starts to take advantage of their kindness, warned the members of the "Am I the A**hole?" (AITAH) subReddit.
Redditor Affectionate-Run-364 adopted her son in an open adoption situation and had been very supportive of keeping her son's birth mother in their life and having frequent visits.
But when her son's birth mother made a habit of asking her for money, and became increasingly aggressive when she started to decline larger requests, the Original Poster (OP) was worried she'd have to put a stop to her support.
She asked the sub:
"Am I the a**hole for not giving money to my son's birth mother anymore?"
The OP had a friendly and open relationship with her son's birth family.
"My husband and I (48 Female) have two adopted children."
"Our youngest (15 Male) was born in the town we live in, and we have a very open relationship with his birth family, especially his birth mother, Mary (60 Female)."
"Things have always been good between us. We see her four or five times a year. We get her gifts for her birthday, Christmas, and Mother’s Day. She is extremely poor, she doesn’t work, and she only receives a small amount of disability, so we do what we can."
After the OP's lifestyle improved, she noticed Mary's new interest.
"When our children were younger, I stayed at home with them, and my husband is a teacher, so we lived very modestly."
"I went back to school (for eight years!) and became a doctor. Our financial situation has definitely improved. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. But we have a big mortgage and big student loans."
"Not long after Mary came over to our new house for the first time, she asked for money for the first time: $150 to pay her power bill. I called the power company to pay it and found out she actually owed over $450, and the $150 was the bare minimum due, so her power wasn’t shut off. So I paid the remaining balance."
"After that, I got a request every other month or so for small amounts of money. And since we can afford it, I would give it to her."
"But when the requests became more frequent, we told her we would send her $50 a month, but that was all we would give her. Mary gradually began asking for an advance on the next month’s 'allowance' (that sounds gross, but I can’t think of a better word to describe it)."
"Eventually, we just told her we could not give her any more money, that it was becoming awkward and affecting our relationship with her, and that was the last thing we wanted for our son. She said she understood, and things got better for a while."
"(She has seven adult children and several siblings whom she could turn to when she needs financial help.)"
But then the situation escalated.
"But recently she started asking me for money again. $10 for an Uber to the doctor. $20 to pay her water bill. $15 for medicine. All things that are necessities. I felt guilty, so I sent her the money."
"But lately, the requests have gotten more frequent, and she needs the money immediately. She’ll text me in the middle of the day and tell me she needs money to get to the doctor for an appointment that starts in 30 minutes."
"I started ignoring Mary’s texts asking for money, and that seemed to work for a while."
"But this week, she has texted several times a day, asking for $25 so she can get an Uber for an appointment."
"Her tone is becoming more aggressive. She told me that if I don’t get her the money, she’s going to have to reschedule or cancel the appointment."
"I feel like such an a**hole, because I can afford the $25. And I feel guilty because she has so little and we have so much. I mean, we have her son!"
"But the constant asking for money is making me so resentful. I feel like an ATM."
"AITAH?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NTA: Not the A**hole
- YTA: You're the A**hole
- ESH: Everybody Sucks Here
- NAH: No A**holes Here
Some gently reassured the OP that she made her son her responsibility, not her son's birth mother.
"NTA. You adopted your son, not her." - JeffInVancouver
"NTA. 'She told me if I don’t get her the money, she’s going to have to reschedule or cancel the appointment.' Okay, do that then. Her having to cancel or reschedule has nothing to do with you." - Impressive_Moment786
"It seems to me that she is not respecting the boundaries that you have set. It also feels very emotionally manipulative. While she is very kind to your children now, think of what will happen down the line when they are young adults. Better to set very firm boundaries now than for her to also do that to your kids later on." - ah-Xue1231
"I don’t think you realise that she is actually directly taking from your son, while the money may not seem like much, it adds up, and you enabling her is taking money that could be going to your children."
"She’s not some kind, lovely lady if she could be angry at you for prioritising your children over her expectation of you funding her life."
"This was an open adoption, not a lifestyle exchange. You aren’t paying her child support to keep the child she birthed; you don’t deserve to have to fund that child’s life as well as fix her life up to the same standard."
"You adopted a child; you didn’t adopt a grown-a** woman." - WiccyCo
"Mary is 60, poor, and she has other resources. You are the most gullible. You don't get to call her kind and loving when her recent actions have been harassing and aggressive."
"She might love him, but she's also using that link with him to manipulate you. That's not something a good person does. 'I gave you the blood of my blood, so you owe me.' No."
"You have been more than generous with her, and Mary has figured out that if she harasses you, you'll eventually give in. Mary might also have mental health or health-related issues that are changing her personality."
"That, my dear, is not your f**king problem. She has actual family ties that are supposed to be her support. She is leeching off you. Stop letting her."
"Mary's a fully cooked grown-up. She can figure her own s**t out. Or she can suffer. But she is abusing your good nature, and you're letting her." - Perimentalpause
Others were less gentle, questioning why the OP allowed her son's birth mother, who might not be the best role model right now, be in her son's life.
"I really hate that OP has allowed her son to have a relationship with this person. They really need to distance themselves from Mary. I'd be concerned that she would start to manipulate the son and turn him against his mom, who is so mean because she won't give her money."
"With the amounts she's asking for (on top of the increasingly aggressive behavior), I'd bet money that she's an alcoholic."
"Just, please be careful. The only reason I said what I did is because I've seen it, and you can't rule out the possibility. She has taken advantage of your kindness, and your son is at a difficult age... almost an adult, but his brain isn't able to fully comprehend what others can resort to."
"My best suggestion is for you, your husband, and son to get some family counseling. Not because there's anything wrong, but because it can be very helpful for a young person to move forward while navigating potentially difficult relationships. I wish all of you the best." - lainygw
"She has seven adult kids, and no one can give her a ride to the doctor? Why don’t her kids help? What do they know that you don’t?"
"I’m guessing there is more to the story here. Where are the Dad(s) of the seven adult children? Are none still in the picture?"
"Unfortunately for her, it sounds like she isn’t able to manage life. But she is not your problem." - kaneuens
"Sorry to tell you, she's not going to the doctor, and she's not getting Uber, ma'am. $10, $15, 20, $30... Constantly screams of trying to score every day. She has a problem."
"You need to be more firm."
"And if you adopted the child, it is your son, not 'you have her son.' This woman is taking advantage of your bleeding heart, and it's not good for you or your son." - SCHMETTERLING
"NTA. You don't have her son. He is your son. He doesn't belong to her. And you don't owe her money for that." - IrrelevantManatee
"Make sure you have a conversation with your son about having a relationship with her and prepare him for her to do the same with your son as he gets older. Make sure he knows it is not his responsibility to care for her."
"It sounds like she has a drug or alcohol problem, which could really affect your son as he gets older." - fuzzybunnybaldeagle
After receiving feedback, the OP shared her thoughts about the situation.
"I’m surprised and saddened by the hate that Mary is getting. She’s certainly not an a**hole; I just think she has had a difficult life, and because of generational poverty, racism, poor health, AND her own choices, she has never been able to dig out of the hole she’s been in her entire life."
"I think I will start setting aside money for her for emergencies, rather than what many are calling 'instant gratification.' She’s asked us to help her find an apartment before, but we couldn’t find anything better than where she’s living that wasn’t way out of her price range. My husband has a couple of rental houses that he and a friend own/manage, so I think she was hoping we’d offer one to her."
"But I really appreciate the support and kind words most of you offered! I am obviously a pushover, so I sometimes need a strong kick in the right direction."
"Also, I just want to say, please be kind. Other than this issue, Mary has been nothing but kind and loving towards our/her son and my other kids. She and the rest of my son’s birth family have been incredibly welcoming and have treated us like family. Open adoption has its negatives (obviously), but the good far outweighs the bad. My son knows where he’s from, and he has never doubted that Mary loves him."
As much as the subReddit could appreciate that the OP wanted to honor the open adoption and keep Mary in their lives for her son's sake, there were obviously other problems that needed to be addressed, especially the money and why Mary felt the need to ask for it so frequently.
It sounded like Mary had a fairly large family, so if the OP was the only one she could lean on, there were red flags at play.
