It's a terrifying feeling to learn that a friend or family member finds themself in a medical emergency.
What we don't want to admit, but is true nonetheless, is that medical emergencies are never convenient.
Of course, we don't think of this when it's happening, as all of our thoughts are focused on this indisposed friend.
Even so, we sometimes can't help but feel sad or annoyed as to how this affects our plans, and still have to wonder what to do next.
The mother of Redditor NoSelection4028's boyfriend recently found herself beset with all sorts of medical issues.
As a result, she demanded a fairly inordinate amount of help from the original poster (OP) and her boyfriend.
Complicating matters, all of this fell just as the OP was planning a trip to Europe.
After being called "selfish" by her boyfriend when she shared her intent to follow through with the trip, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for refusing to help my boyfriend's dying mother while planning a trip to Europe?"
The OP explained why she still planned on proceeding with her trip to Europe despite the illness of her boyfriend's mother:
"I (25 F[emale]) live with my boyfriend Liam (24 M[ale])."
"About a month ago, his mom Tanya began claiming she's dying of cancer, but no diagnosis has been confirmed."
"Every hospital visit ends with her being sent home."
"A nurse even told Liam she might be faking."
"It started when she stayed 'one night' at our one-bedroom apartment."
"That turned into a week of chaos."
"She refused AC and fans (said they hurt her skin) but blow-dried her hair daily."
"The apartment smelled awful, everything had to be dark and silent, and she constantly demanded help."
"She even stormed into our bedroom at 3am asking Liam for massages (we sleep naked so that was awkward)."
"She criticized our Buddhist souvenirs, insisted we hang a cross (I did), and complained non-stop."
"She suggested we move in with her, an hour from our jobs/school."
"I'm a full-time student with two jobs and a 4.0 GPA, and I was falling behind."
"Liam, who works full-time, switched to remote work (his boss hated this) to care for Tanya."
"Her health 'updates' were always shifting: MRI, canceled surgery, then chemo postponed due to infection, then E. coli."
"Always a new reason."
"No clear diagnosis or paperwork."
"When her husband David (who funds her lifestyle) was away, she made us go to her house to get her jewelry because she thinks he'll steal it when she dies (he's an alcoholic according to her)."
"We were supposed to take her to the ER right after, but we ended up staying 16 hours doing chores."
"I folded 420 clothing items, cleaned the whole house, and felt like her unpaid maid."
"Not a single please or thank you."
"She was stalling to go to the ER, and when we finally got there at 5 am, she said she'd check herself in, and sent us home."
"Three hours later, she called again, sobbing for help."
"She had been rejected by the ER."
"I suspect she faked it."
"Liam and I have both been skipping meals, losing sleep, and falling behind at work to help her."
"He once said he's waiting for her to pass away so we can move to Europe."
"He's been forced to manage her divorce, lawyer meetings, and funeral prep."
"Meanwhile, David, who's paying the hospital bills and had been kept in the dark about all this, sent Liam aggressive texts like 'I call bullsh*t' and 'Don't show up at my house no more', then later apologized."
"Tanya called again begging for help."
"But this time, she wanted me, because David is jealous of Liam."
"I had clearly told Liam I needed that weekend to study for final exams."
"And going to that house alone seemed sketchy."
"Now, I'm planning a 2–3 week Europe trip to see my mom, whom I haven't seen in over a year."
"Liam says he supports it but called it 'a little selfish'. He's asked, 'If I were dying, would you quit your job to be with me?' and 'If it were your mom, would you help her?'"
"I felt pressured to say yes."
"But truth is, my family wouldn't lie to me or use me like this."
"I love Liam and want to be there for him."
"But I don't trust his mom, and this is starting to affect our relationship."
"AITA for refusing to help Tanya and going home to Europe?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community resoundingly agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for going forward with her trip.
Everyone agreed that it seemed fairly clear that the OP should 100% prioritize visiting her family, as Tanya was clearly faking her illnesses, with some even wondering if it was safe for the OP to stay in this relationship:
"Since I'm pretty sure she is not sick (at least not physically) you are definitely NTA."
"It's time for your BF to get real and tell his mom to set up a family meeting with her oncologist to discuss her treatment and next steps or he's done."
"This the normal progression when treating this disease."
"In and out of ERs is not."- Weary_Minute1583
"NTA."
"I know you love your boyfriend but you need to ask yourself if you're willing to give up your own life for him and his mom, because it's never going to stop."
"It could stop if he chooses to set boundaries but it doesn't sound like he'll do that."- misseff
"NTA."
"I think you need to have a serious sit down with Liam and suggest his mom get therapy."
"No one has THAT MANY issues and gets rejected from an ER or has important procedures cancelled and not rescheduled for as soon as possible."
"She using this as manipulation."
"Your lives will be permanently on hold until this is dealt with or contact is cut."- AnniAnnihilation
"NTA."
"You should go visit your mom."
"You can say she needs your help just as much as his mother needs him, if you want to."
"If she hasn't been diagnosed with anything serious, she is unlikely to die in the two weeks that you're gone."
"Obviously things happen to people and there is always a chance that any one of us might die."-North_Artichoke_6721
"NTA."
"Break up with them."
"You're in a throuple and no one bothered to tell you."- Independent-Wheel354
"NTA."
"Tell your bf that of course you would care and be there for the people you love."
"But only if you knew that the person would also care about you."
"His mom clearly does not give a second thought about the damage she causes and the sacrifices she demands."
"You have given all you got to give and now it's your turn to take care of yourself and your family."- HidingRaccoon
"NTA."
"Why is his family more important than yours?"
"I would tell him that he should move her to assisted living or an apartment and hire help."
"Let him know that while you love him, you are not lighting your future on fire to help someone who won't help themselves."- javel1
"NTA."
"Does Liam see that she's faking it or does he genuinely believe her?"
"Not that it really makes a difference."
"You can not let this effect your life to the point of no return. absolutely keep doing things for yourself and he should too."- Odd_Refrigerator18
"NTA!"
"What do you mean she needed you?"
"This is ridiculous."
"All of this is ridiculous."
"I wouldn't blame you if you ended things with husband because what do you mean he has to handle her divorce?"
"Absolutely ridiculous."
"Your mil needs to tend to her own personal needs."
"Jesus."- Historical-Ad4552
"You know she's faking it but you're jeopardizing your future to play into her delusions."
"You need to stop before you screw yourself over permanently."
"NTA."- CeramicSavage
"NTA."
"But YTA for jeopardizing your future."- fourmode
"NTA."
"It's completely reasonable to demand medical documentation before you put your life on hold."
"This is on your boyfriend."
"He needs to set clear boundaries."- charbear60
"NTA."
"Stay in Europe would be my advice.. sounds exhausting."- TheTiffanyProblem
"NTA."
"'If it was your mom would you help her?'"
"Not after she broke into my bedroom at 3am demanding a massage."- john35093509
"NTA."
"I'd bet you a million dollars that two days before you're supposed to leave, she's going to have a 'serious issue" with tons of drama and how you can't leave her when she needs emotional support."
"And the day after you 'should've' left, she'll be miraculously cured."
"Go on your trip."- lisalef
It is clear that Tanya needs medical help, but not from a psychiatrist, and not an oncologist.
It's up to the OP to decide if staying with Liam is sustainable.
But if Tanya is well enough to bark orders at the OP and Liam, then she can likely find a way to deal without the OP for a while when she visits her family in Europe.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp