For all the joy Thanksgiving dinner brings, there's no denying it is always an obstacle to cook.
Balancing what dish goes in the oven, making sure the turkey is thawed, basted, and cooked, and judging whether you have too much or too little food.
Once everyone is seated at the table, though, it quickly becomes clear that the payoff justifies any inconvenience.
Most of the time.
The sister-in-law (SIL) of Redditor Temporary_Brick_5298 took hosting Thanksgiving upon herself.
However, with her willingness to host came a number of stipulations.
One of which involved the original poster (OP) cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
A stipulation the OP refused.
Unsure of how to address this to their SIL, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where they asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for cooking Thanksgiving for 11 people and transporting it 45 minutes?"
The OP explained why their in-law's plan for this year's Thanksgiving was not sitting well with them:
"My SIL is insisting that Thanksgiving will be at her house, but she won't be there until 4pm because she will be visiting other family, "but won't be eating with them'."
"So I will end up cooking for 11 people and transporting the food 30-45 minutes to her house."
"We suggested that we all eat Thanksgiving wherever we are, and then meet at her house later for dessert."
"She said NO."
"I don't want to do this."
"I don't want to buy all of the food, prepare it, and have it all taste like crap after it rides in the car."
"No one ever tells her no, so this would be a first."
"AITA for not wanting to do this?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
The Reddit community agreed that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to cook and transport Thanksgiving dinner for her SIL.
Everyone agreed that if the OP's SIL was making too many people work around what she wants, and someone needed to put her in her place:
"NTA."
"Part of hosting is doing the majority of the cooking."
"If she's not up for it, she doesn't get to host."
"Just invite who you want to your house."
"If it gets messy, that feels like a problem for your spouse, make them deal with their sister."- LaceRogue395
"You are not a catering company."
"If she wants people, she can host and provide food. It's an invitation, not a subpoena."
"NTA."- CrankyWife
"Who's going to stop you from staying home?"
"What power does she think she has over (all of) you?"
"NTA."
"If you are the cook, do what YOU want."
"She can meet up with you or grab a ham sandwich from the gas station and eat by herself."- sweetT333
"NTA."
"You literally have free will."
"Tell her no."
"Say it’s dessert or nothing."
"Or if you are feeling generous you can offer to host at your place."- untitledartist
"NTA, but she sure is."
"If she's already going to be out, she can just drive to your house for dinner."
"I'd let her know what time it will be served and let her decide what she wants to do."
"It's about time someone says no to her unreasonable demands."- AlphaNautilusNarwal
"NTA."
"Tell her she can do Thanksgiving at her house, and she provides the food."
"Or it can be at your house, and you’ll provide the food."
"Which then you can make it whatever time you want."- throwaway2117000
"NTA, but seriously - you are a grown-arse adult!"
"Use your words."
"Say NO."
"This is not a life-or-death situation, and if she throws a wobbly then too bad, so sad."
"Get your shit together, OP."- FearTheMomerath
"NTA."
"This seems wholly unreasonable."
"It simply can be at your home; she can show for dessert."- SewTraditional
"NTA."
"Usually the host is in charge of cooking, and she’s not going to even be there until 4pm?"
"I would say if it’s not at your house then you are not hosting, and as you are not hosting you will not be responsible for food."
"Easy peasy."- PNWSpinster
"NTA."
"I cooked the whole Thanksgiving dinner at my house a couple years ago—and carried it across the street to my daughter’s."
"But 30-45 min away?"
"Nope."
"I also won’t take it across the street again."- lynnwood57
"NTA."
"Why are you cooking for someone else?"
"The host should 'host!' I would not agree to this at all."
"You can accept the invite but don’t cook the meal for her."
"One dish for a potluck is more than enough."
"A 45-minute drive should be something easy like a salad or pie."
"Let her fail on her own after 4 pm."
"What is wrong with in-laws?"
"More importantly, what is wrong with spouses who let their families treat their partners like this?"
"Why isn’t your spouse telling their sister to kick rocks regarding this plan?"
"I really don’t get it."- NervousDogFarts
"NTA."
"Entitled much!?! "
"Who made her the queen?"
"If you’re okay with hosting, send a group text to everyone offering your home."
"If no one wants to, then there will be no Thanksgiving food."
"Don’t tire yourself out."- DanaMarie75038
"If she can start her Thanksgiving with other family, then so can the rest of you."
"Then she can also be polite to the first family and eat what they’ve prepared."
"NTA."
"But she’s a selfish."- Imaginary-Angle-42
"NTA."
"Hell no."
"That's a ridiculous ask."- Late_As_Sometimes
"NTA."
"She’s not even the one making the meal but thinks she can demand everyone drive almost an hour to her house and do it later at 4?!"
"Yeah BYE SIL u can make ur own thanksgiving and we’ll do our own and with the food fresh."
"Op she doesn’t get to dictate what u guys do, she says no ok well too bad we’re doing it anyway like no ur not her children, she’s not the boss, she’s not even making the meal."
"Tell her hey we’re doing dinner at our house at this time, if u wanna come, come if not then we’ll catch u later."- JenicBabe
"I literally can't keep all the food for Thanksgiving hot from my kitchen to the dining room table."
"She is being selfish."
"NTA."- Bellemieux
"If she wants to host at her house, then she provides the food."
"A maybe workaround, if you would be cool with it, would be for you all to go to SIL house early enough in the day to cook the food there."
"Or your husband and kids could come later if you want because you are used to cooking by yourself and don't want to need to worry about what the kids are getting up to and can focus on the cooking."
"SIL would obviously need to provide pots and pans and seving dishes, etc so that you have what you need to actually cook and serve everything."
"Since she wants to be gone until 4 pm though, it seems unlikely that she would be cool with that arrangement."
"But if you think she might go for it, you could offer it (after talking to your husband of course.)"
"The other options I see would be to offer to bring a dish to pass, just straight decline cooking or bringing any food but still attending the event anyway, declining the food and the event and having something for your family unit at your home."
"Or go with your original proposed compromise where you will be eating your Thanksgiving meal as a late lunch at your home but you will go to her event after she is home at 4."
"You will bring a dessert to share and you can make her a plate of your leftovers and bring that with you if she would like."
"But you 100% do NOT have to cook and then transport a Thanksgiving meal for 11 people if you don't want to for any reason."
"Anyone who expects you to do this, especially if they are basically doing nothing but showing up themselves, is an AH."
"You are NTA."- Wonderful_Ad_6089
"NTA."
"Why does SIL get to dictate how it's gonna be?"
"I say just have Thanksgiving at your house, who comes over is who comes over, have a nice meal, and if SIL still decides to not come over."
"That's a her issue."
"One person should not control the plans of everyone, especially if she is the one that isn't even cooking the food."- FerociousTea
When you agree to host, it usually means you agree to take on the bulk of the responsibilities.
When someone asks everyone else to work around them and do most of the work, can that really be considered hosting?
If the OP's SIL will already be out at the start of the day, the logical solution would be for her to end up at the OP's house, where a hot dinner might be waiting.
However, it also seems to be fairly apparent that the OP's SIL doesn't exactly think logically...
