With the holidays approaching, people are deciding where to go for various events.
A Thanksgiving host turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after uninvited guests decided to invite even more people.
Curious-g-2018 asked:
"AITA for wanting to tell my spouse’s family that my brother-in-law (BIL) cannot bring his new girlfriend, and that I'll cancel Thanksgiving if uninvited guests show up?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My spouse and I originally invited one out-of-state brother ('Joe'), his wife, and their daughter for Thanksgiving. Shortly after, my in-laws mentioned wanting to visit."
"I noted that Joe was already staying with us and our guest rooms were full, hoping they'd pick another time. I was raised in a way that holidays are not equal to open houses."
"Instead, they took this as an opportunity to organize a full family reunion at our home and invited the remaining brother ('Bob') without asking us. None of my own family will be there."
"My in-laws have a history of treating our home and vacations like their own, even inviting extra people without telling us. However, my primary concern is Bob (40s)."
"Bob dates chaotic, high-drama women with zero boundaries and moves way too fast. At a past family gathering, he showed up unannounced with 5 extra guests (relatives of his then-girlfriend) without checking if there was enough food or space.
"His parents enable him out of sympathy. Middle child, failure to launch situation."
"Bob recently started dating a new girlfriend who has kids. Neither my spouse nor I have ever met her or her children."
"My spouse fully agrees that they do not want strangers or high-drama people in our house, around our children, but they lack the backbone to set firm boundaries with their own family."
"Because my spouse won't step up, I want to tell their family directly that while Bob is welcome, he cannot bring any guests I haven't personally met—including the new girlfriend and her kids."
"Furthermore, I want to establish a firm boundary: the holiday is for close family only, and if anyone shows up with uninvited guests, the gathering is immediately over, and everyone will be asked to leave."
"Their family is used to catering to Bob, and I know taking charge of this hard boundary will cause friction."
"AITA for putting my foot down?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I feel like your spouse needs to grow a backbone and tell this to everyone on a family group chat." ~ pudge-thefish
"I agree that people should stand up to their own families, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen here, so I’m going to support OP in doing the dirty work that their spouse won’t do even though they should."
"It’s enough that OPs already ended up with a bunch of people who invited themselves, without them thinking they are entitled to invite random others. Or even the deep meaningful relationship of the last two weeks." ~ fuss-budgeT124
"The fact that the spouse won't step up and make it clear that their home isn't a f*cking adventure playground for their relatives and whomever they feel like bringing along, is the actual problem here. This situation should be the catalyst for hard-and-fast rules moving forward. NTA." ~ drunkenbees
"Not anything close to this level of difficulty, but planning things with my family can be like herding cats. My wife had a great idea for an upcoming family gathering, and even though she is really close with them, she said, 'I married into this family; you make it happen'." ~ Blackdog3377
"Spouse should start the convo, and OP can be there to firmly back them up and not let them cave. They will then have experience with their new backbone and can hold the line next time." ~ beccabebe
"THIS! And your spouse is the actual problem though, not Bob! If you deliver this, you'll be the villain in their family forever, and your spouse gets to stay neutral, which is exactly why they're happy for you to do it; one message from them costs the same and lands completely differently." ~ Ternerxdd
"In the apparent absence of spouse's vertebrae, I would do it myself. I'd group text that you will not be accommodating any additional guests, and reiterate that none of them will be staying in your home, so they might want to make reservations now. And then I'd plan dinner out for the holiday. Which would be the only time I'd see any of them. I might even tell each party how much their share of dinner will be per person, because you know he's showing up with his girlfriend and her kids. And if any of them ever had access to a key, I'd change the locks." ~ Ornery_Donkey_7156
"More like OP and spouse need to take a sudden vacation out of state to make their point if they don’t grow a backbone in time." ~ Select-Promotion-404
"NTA for putting your foot down, but you need to get on the same page with your spouse. If your spouse isn’t willing to get on the same page with you, I suggest cancelling the event outright." ~ Dangerous-Art-Me
"This is the way, OP (you are NTA of course). Tell them, 'I'm so sorry, but this event is getting far beyond what I had in mind - not to mention what the house will hold - and I'm afraid we just won't be able to host.' Repeat as needed."
"If they steamroll your spouse into letting them come anyway, your script for spouse is 'OK, enjoy the party planning, hosting and cleanup! I've got a hotel room booked and a bottle of wine with my name on it'." ~ Shoereader
"THIS! It's exactly what I was getting ready to type! If your spouse caves, they're also entirely in charge of the food. How spouse decides what to buy, when to shop, how to cook it, what to cook it with, whether the guests are bringing something—that's all on spouse."
"Get that hotel room and let spouse experience the consequences for not having your back and caving to family (and turn off your phone). Advice and help are for people who don't undermine you. Spouse can't fail to stand beside you, then expect you to stand by them." ~ Aunt_Kwan
"NTA, inviting others to houses that aren't yours is seriously weird... I cannot blame you at all for the girlfriend—you have already showed more patience than I'd have by the fact your in-laws are inviting others. " ~ Hogwartsgryffindor
"We’ve run into this several times. Even having one relative tell someone they knew they could plan on staying with us. That is as they traveled. We didn’t know them."
"Found this out when I got a call from the relative asking why I wasn’t answering the door. 'Well Karl, I’m out of state right now.' My neighbors went out and talked with the couple in my driveway, told them I had no idea they were invited."
"Also had a unique military event; I invited the grandparents. That was it. It was a small group situation on a base with limited access."
"Both grandparents invited others. The others invited more. It was a mess. Some people see themselves as the main person of the family." ~ lifeofGuacmole
"No one is taught etiquette anymore." ~ PeppermintEvilButler
"This has happened to my family's Thanksgiving multiple times. Those people always bring a box, make a huge plate, and leave after getting their food. Don't even bother to socialize. I can't imagine the evil mindset." ~ Acceptable_Long_5101
"I would be less worried about Bob and more worried about a spouse that doesn’t go to bat for you." ~ Upper_Collar_5981
"NTA, but welcome to the rest of your life. Your doormat husband gets you to be the bad guy or you both get steamrolled! Fun!" ~ DrukMeMa
"How about you just say no to hosting the whole thing. Your in-laws are welcome to organize something at a different venue, and you will attend, but you’re not doing that for them." ~ Naive_Pay_7066
"ESH. You also 'lack a backbone.' Instead of clearly telling the in-laws you didn't want additional guests, you beat around the bush and hoped they would get a hint... then got annoyed when they didn't. Pot, meet Kettle." ~ Spare-Shirt24
"Mhm. It’s also Thanksgiving, not just some random dinner invite. It’s definitely unusual to volunteer to host Thanksgiving but only invite some family members but not others."
"It’s OP’s home, so they technically have the right to ban people from entering, but if they want to only host some people but not others, they or their spouse need to be explicit about that."
"And OP needs to be prepared for her in-laws to decide to do Thanksgiving elsewhere if they can’t all celebrate together." ~ hc600
"I agree with this take. I can't stand the posts where OP acts like their life is happening to them and there's nothing they can do to stop it. Hopefully OP really will step up for themself and put their foot down about this guest list." ~ inductiononN
OP needs to have some serious discussions with their spouse if they intend to set boundaries with their in-laws.
If their spouse isn’t on the same page, their efforts will be in vain.
Expectant Dad Of Two Livid After Brother Questions Why He'd Bring Another Kid Into Bleak World
It's no secret that a lot of people are struggling right now, from the cost of living to job insecurity to food insecurity to poor housing. But that doesn't mean we have to stop living.
For many people, that means still starting and growing their families, while planning how to navigate the world we're currently in, pointed out the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor DesignerOwn1141 and his wife knew that the world around them wasn't at its best right now, but they were eager to grow their family and were excited to bring a third child into the world.
When they announced their pregnancy, his brother's first reaction was to send him articles about how the world was doomed and shame him for bringing a child into it; the Original Poster (OP) wondered if he needed to block his own brother.
He asked the sub:
The OP and his wife were excited to welcome a third child into their family.
"I am 33 and male. My wife is 29."
"We have two sons, a six-year-old boy and a three-year-old boy. Both are happy, healthy, and well taken care of."
"We love being parents to them, and I work very hard to provide a good life for my family."
"My wife is four months pregnant with our third."
The OP's brother's life was very different from his.
"My younger brother has been something of a failure-to-launch case."
"Despite having every advantage, he never got good grades in school, was addicted to 'League of Legends' so severely that he barely scraped by, and spends his days streaming games to nearly no viewers on Twitch."
"I've watched his stream a few times, but he just rages constantly."
"My wife is too classy to ever say so, but I can tell he makes her uncomfortable."
"He's my brother, so I've long wanted to believe he's just bad at communicating with people, but to be frank, he's sort of just an a**hole. He's unapologetic whenever he says something hurtful and more likely to just double down and say, 'No cap.'"
"But if anyone so much as challenges his views, he throws a huge fit."
The OP tried to share his happy news with his brother, but his brother immediately squandered it.
"Recently, we announced she was pregnant with our third child. It's a joyous occasion for us because we wanted three children, and our other two sons are excited about having another brother or sister."
"When I texted my brother the news, he immediately said he couldn't imagine having children with the world the way it was."
"I asked what he meant, and he started sending me these articles about global warming, the plague in Russia, wars around the world, and so on."
"He seems convinced that the world is going to end in ten years tops, and that I'm only bringing up another child to die in the 'water wars.'"
"I was honestly disgusted with him. To tell someone that their unborn child is going to die, that their other children are going to die, is absolutely abhorrent behavior."
"But since he's always been a sensitive s**thead, I just said, 'Whatever, man,' and stopped reading his texts."
"He wouldn't stop. He kept sending me every doomer article. He said that when the clouds evaporate, the earth is going to get 15 degrees hotter. He said that AI is going to hack every government database. He said that China is going to invade Taiwan, and then it'll be war with the US and allies against Russia, China, North Korea, and Iran."
The OP had had enough of his brother's negative feedback.
"Finally, I just told him I was blocking him and thought little of the decision."
"He went and cried to our parents (again, he's the most sensitive s**tbag in the world), and they told me what I did was over the top."
"I know that if I unblock him, he's just going to doomspam me again."
"Am I wrong for just straight-up saying I never want him in my life again?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that they understood why he felt the need to distance himself from his brother.
"NOR. He sounds insufferable."
"He sounds like one of those people who doesn't like his life and so wants everyone else to be miserable too, or makes excuses for why he didn't do more with his life by blaming his problems on some external crisis." - savingrain
"NOR. He's allowed to protect his peace, especially if his brother keeps ignoring boundaries and turning every conversation into another end-of-the-world prediction, and having kids is hardly a reason to apologize for trying to build a good life despite everything going on." - Upper-Cloud9097
"NOR. But your brother is on his way to a full mental breakdown. Send him back cute dog and cat videos. Cute horse videos. Ozzy animal voiceovers."
"Eventually his phone will start thinking he's like me and his feed will calm down." - Present_Original_797
"I mean, my beliefs and thoughts about the future are along the same lines as him, and that’s why I’m an anti-natalist, but there’s something called tact. And personal choice/autonomy."
"If someone chooses to have kids, that’s their choice, and I’d keep my opinions to myself and be supportive, especially if they’re a family member. Spreading doomer content is extremely insensitive and rude. NOR." - EngineerGold4242
"NOR: I wonder whether your brother is displaying sibling jealousy towards you and your family; he recognizes his own shortcomings and can see where he is in life compared to you, and that is his major issue."
"Days filled with unfulfilling computer games and doomspamming others, he has a lot of maturing to do. Block him until or unless he decides to join the adult world and be the uncle he is supposed to be." - iron_redditman
"NOR. I have all those fears and as such actively avoid news about them. I skipped whole paragraphs here for that reason too, lol."
"I’d definitely block my sibling or anybody else who did that to me. I already know all these things; I don’t need constant reminders. All I can do is work on improving my little corner of the world and trudge forward."
"Anyway, protect your peace." - hahagato
"You are not obligated to bond with someone just because you share blood. It’s your peace and your family that you need to protect now. If you decide to go zero contact, it’s perfectly okay!"
"Especially because you and your wife are in charge of two, almost three, little guys, and your mental peace affect directly to them."
"PS. Historically, the world has always been on the edge, but nothing stops us to be what we are, humans trying to get over all the s**t! So don’t let those bad things put you down. We can build a better world by raising kind, lovely people, and it seems you and your wife are doing it. Good luck!" - Camigatoespinace92
Others advised the OP to involve his parents in case they could help his brother.
"Unblock him and then send everything he texts you to both mom and dad. No comments, just forward it."
"They'll think you're sending it, and when they complain, you can tell them that you thought they'd be interested in your brother's articles as well."
"NOR." - No_Address687
"NOR. Your parents don't know the half of it. Forward everything and let them read it for themselves." - Available_Agent3305
"NOR. I’d keep him blocked; your parents are wrong. If you want to be petty, start sending your parents article after article of stuff you know they won’t like. They will get the hint soon enough." - OldieButNotMoldy
"I would also go low contact with the OP's parents. OP is clearly NOT the favorite son. Any boundaries he put up with his brother will be considered wrong. NOR." - Interesting_Novel997
"NOR, but also my first reaction is that your brother isn't a 'sensitive s**tbag,' he is struggling with anxiety/depression and maybe undiagnosed neurodivergence and is drowning in his own ruminations. None of that makes this an appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement; it's clearly not. But he sounds like someone who is clearly struggling here."
"If it were me, I'd be sending your parents anything he previously sent you. If they share your concern after reading a few articles, maybe they'll take steps to help him." - 2kidsnomoney---
"NOR. I'm sorry to say this, OP, but your brother has not been socialized normally. He is a chronically online loser who thinks he can do and say whatever he wants and does not understand there are no consequences because there are often no consequences when he does it in a league match or online."
"It frankly sounds like your concern for him and his future is budding into resentment and contempt, and I feel like, as most brothers would, those are not the feelings you want to hold towards him."
"I have a brother like this. He was diagnosed as an adult with Asperger’s and now just a spectrum autism diagnosis, but he’s a real a**."
"You may have to unblock him to communicate fairly. It may be worth doing this in person because it’s easier for the chronically online to 'craft' their retort rather than be a part of a conversation."
"Before you can do that, though, you need to sit down with your parents. You need to explain and be able to articulate that:"
"1. His reaction to the wonderful news of you having another child crossed the line and was inappropriate."
"2. There need to be reasonable consequences or boundaries because you are no longer willing to put up with that."
"3. It is his call at this point whether or not he wants to be in your life and your children’s lives."
"You have to have their buy-in; otherwise they are just going to continue to coddle and enable this behavior."
"Then you need to sit down with him and your parents, intervention style. You need to present the same argument you did to your parents, and in all honestly, I would question him in return: what was he hoping would have been the outcome of that conversation?"
"Did he want you to say he’s so right, so smart? Did he want you to go to your wife and tell her to abort? Does he feel like he is in a place in his life where he can be your family planner and manager? When he crosses a line, what does he feel should happen?"
"Only when he is directly confronted, and you have the right supports in place, can he be presented with how his behavior affected you and what that could possibly mean for his relationship with you and your growing family." - allison_mossie
The subreddit understood feeling burdened by so much negative information during what should be a happy time of planning and anticipating a new addition to the family, but the OP needed time to think about what he wanted his larger family dynamic to look like.
That might mean removing his brother, so that the OP could protect his own, and by extension, his wife's and children's, mental health, but it might mean minimizing contact with other people, too, if they weren't willing to respect the OP's boundaries he had for his family's life.