With the holidays approaching, people are deciding where to go for various events.
A Thanksgiving host turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after uninvited guests decided to invite even more people.
Curious-g-2018 asked:
"AITA for wanting to tell my spouse’s family that my brother-in-law (BIL) cannot bring his new girlfriend, and that I'll cancel Thanksgiving if uninvited guests show up?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My spouse and I originally invited one out-of-state brother ('Joe'), his wife, and their daughter for Thanksgiving. Shortly after, my in-laws mentioned wanting to visit."
"I noted that Joe was already staying with us and our guest rooms were full, hoping they'd pick another time. I was raised in a way that holidays are not equal to open houses."
"Instead, they took this as an opportunity to organize a full family reunion at our home and invited the remaining brother ('Bob') without asking us. None of my own family will be there."
"My in-laws have a history of treating our home and vacations like their own, even inviting extra people without telling us. However, my primary concern is Bob (40s)."
"Bob dates chaotic, high-drama women with zero boundaries and moves way too fast. At a past family gathering, he showed up unannounced with 5 extra guests (relatives of his then-girlfriend) without checking if there was enough food or space.
"His parents enable him out of sympathy. Middle child, failure to launch situation."
"Bob recently started dating a new girlfriend who has kids. Neither my spouse nor I have ever met her or her children."
"My spouse fully agrees that they do not want strangers or high-drama people in our house, around our children, but they lack the backbone to set firm boundaries with their own family."
"Because my spouse won't step up, I want to tell their family directly that while Bob is welcome, he cannot bring any guests I haven't personally met—including the new girlfriend and her kids."
"Furthermore, I want to establish a firm boundary: the holiday is for close family only, and if anyone shows up with uninvited guests, the gathering is immediately over, and everyone will be asked to leave."
"Their family is used to catering to Bob, and I know taking charge of this hard boundary will cause friction."
"AITA for putting my foot down?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"I feel like your spouse needs to grow a backbone and tell this to everyone on a family group chat." ~ pudge-thefish
"I agree that people should stand up to their own families, but it doesn’t seem like that’s going to happen here, so I’m going to support OP in doing the dirty work that their spouse won’t do even though they should."
"It’s enough that OPs already ended up with a bunch of people who invited themselves, without them thinking they are entitled to invite random others. Or even the deep meaningful relationship of the last two weeks." ~ fuss-budgeT124
"The fact that the spouse won't step up and make it clear that their home isn't a f*cking adventure playground for their relatives and whomever they feel like bringing along, is the actual problem here. This situation should be the catalyst for hard-and-fast rules moving forward. NTA." ~ drunkenbees
"Not anything close to this level of difficulty, but planning things with my family can be like herding cats. My wife had a great idea for an upcoming family gathering, and even though she is really close with them, she said, 'I married into this family; you make it happen'." ~ Blackdog3377
"Spouse should start the convo, and OP can be there to firmly back them up and not let them cave. They will then have experience with their new backbone and can hold the line next time." ~ beccabebe
"THIS! And your spouse is the actual problem though, not Bob! If you deliver this, you'll be the villain in their family forever, and your spouse gets to stay neutral, which is exactly why they're happy for you to do it; one message from them costs the same and lands completely differently." ~ Ternerxdd
"In the apparent absence of spouse's vertebrae, I would do it myself. I'd group text that you will not be accommodating any additional guests, and reiterate that none of them will be staying in your home, so they might want to make reservations now. And then I'd plan dinner out for the holiday. Which would be the only time I'd see any of them. I might even tell each party how much their share of dinner will be per person, because you know he's showing up with his girlfriend and her kids. And if any of them ever had access to a key, I'd change the locks." ~ Ornery_Donkey_7156
"More like OP and spouse need to take a sudden vacation out of state to make their point if they don’t grow a backbone in time." ~ Select-Promotion-404
"NTA for putting your foot down, but you need to get on the same page with your spouse. If your spouse isn’t willing to get on the same page with you, I suggest cancelling the event outright." ~ Dangerous-Art-Me
"This is the way, OP (you are NTA of course). Tell them, 'I'm so sorry, but this event is getting far beyond what I had in mind - not to mention what the house will hold - and I'm afraid we just won't be able to host.' Repeat as needed."
"If they steamroll your spouse into letting them come anyway, your script for spouse is 'OK, enjoy the party planning, hosting and cleanup! I've got a hotel room booked and a bottle of wine with my name on it'." ~ Shoereader
"THIS! It's exactly what I was getting ready to type! If your spouse caves, they're also entirely in charge of the food. How spouse decides what to buy, when to shop, how to cook it, what to cook it with, whether the guests are bringing something—that's all on spouse."
"Get that hotel room and let spouse experience the consequences for not having your back and caving to family (and turn off your phone). Advice and help are for people who don't undermine you. Spouse can't fail to stand beside you, then expect you to stand by them." ~ Aunt_Kwan
"NTA, inviting others to houses that aren't yours is seriously weird... I cannot blame you at all for the girlfriend—you have already showed more patience than I'd have by the fact your in-laws are inviting others. " ~ Hogwartsgryffindor
"We’ve run into this several times. Even having one relative tell someone they knew they could plan on staying with us. That is as they traveled. We didn’t know them."
"Found this out when I got a call from the relative asking why I wasn’t answering the door. 'Well Karl, I’m out of state right now.' My neighbors went out and talked with the couple in my driveway, told them I had no idea they were invited."
"Also had a unique military event; I invited the grandparents. That was it. It was a small group situation on a base with limited access."
"Both grandparents invited others. The others invited more. It was a mess. Some people see themselves as the main person of the family." ~ lifeofGuacmole
"No one is taught etiquette anymore." ~ PeppermintEvilButler
"This has happened to my family's Thanksgiving multiple times. Those people always bring a box, make a huge plate, and leave after getting their food. Don't even bother to socialize. I can't imagine the evil mindset." ~ Acceptable_Long_5101
"I would be less worried about Bob and more worried about a spouse that doesn’t go to bat for you." ~ Upper_Collar_5981
"NTA, but welcome to the rest of your life. Your doormat husband gets you to be the bad guy or you both get steamrolled! Fun!" ~ DrukMeMa
"How about you just say no to hosting the whole thing. Your in-laws are welcome to organize something at a different venue, and you will attend, but you’re not doing that for them." ~ Naive_Pay_7066
"ESH. You also 'lack a backbone.' Instead of clearly telling the in-laws you didn't want additional guests, you beat around the bush and hoped they would get a hint... then got annoyed when they didn't. Pot, meet Kettle." ~ Spare-Shirt24
"Mhm. It’s also Thanksgiving, not just some random dinner invite. It’s definitely unusual to volunteer to host Thanksgiving but only invite some family members but not others."
"It’s OP’s home, so they technically have the right to ban people from entering, but if they want to only host some people but not others, they or their spouse need to be explicit about that."
"And OP needs to be prepared for her in-laws to decide to do Thanksgiving elsewhere if they can’t all celebrate together." ~ hc600
"I agree with this take. I can't stand the posts where OP acts like their life is happening to them and there's nothing they can do to stop it. Hopefully OP really will step up for themself and put their foot down about this guest list." ~ inductiononN
OP needs to have some serious discussions with their spouse if they intend to set boundaries with their in-laws.
If their spouse isn’t on the same page, their efforts will be in vain.
