Planning a vacation for couples can be stressful.
It can be especially cumbersome when it involves visiting family.
In-laws want what they want.
And trying to negotiate doesn't often go well.
This can make a vacation more like a chore
Redditor pear_salad888 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for not wanting to spend the holiday with my in-laws for the 6th year in the row? I told my husband that I prefer to stay home this year…"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"We’ve been staying with my in-laws for the holidays for the past five years."
"I (F[emale] 38) and my husband (M[ale] 40) escape our cold winter and go somewhere warm and sunny."
"It’s a 3.5-hour flight, but because we travel with our dog and there’s a holiday ban on dogs in cargo, we have to stay for almost a month."
"25 days, including Christmas and New Year."
"I’ve had my fair share of issues with my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw]."
"She can be extremely pushy."
"She’ll ask you the same thing over and over until she gets a yes, and she can guilt trip you if you say no."
"At the same time, they are generous and pay for our flights, meals, and outings, so I do appreciate that."
"The problem is that there’s also an expectation that we interact with their friends and go along with dinners and outings."
"A small example: I once said no to shopping with MIL."
"She kept asking me for days until I finally gave in."
"It turned into 5 hours of running errands and visiting 6 different stores."
"I’m also going through a rough patch healthwise."
"I have chronic pain, recently had surgery, am still recovering, and have more surgeries coming."
"Even packing and being away from my home is a lot for me right now."
"My husband isn’t happy about my decision."
"He loves going there, seeing the friends we’ve made over the years, skipping the winter for a month, and being pampered with meals and outings."
"He says he can’t take more time off work because he runs his parents’ small business and normally has no days off."
"But he did recently take four days off for an annual summer trip with his friends."
"We could visit his parents another time when there’s no dog travel ban."
"The downside is that most of our friends wouldn’t be there."
"He also says he’s uncomfortable explaining to his parents that we don’t want to spend the holidays with them."
"My concern is that I’ll basically be trapped in their house."
"We have no budget for going out right now, and my husband is very frugal."
"There’s no Uber where they live, and the closest public transit is a 1.5-hour walk."
"It’s also a small place without much to do."
"My husband is a homebody and usually doesn’t want to go out anyway."
"There’s another issue: MIL has talked about me and my health with her friends, and they know a lot about my personal situation."
"I’m not comfortable being around people who know all these details."
"We also can’t comfortably work from there."
"There’s no cell signal in the house, so I have to run outside every time my phone rings, while also trying to work on my laptop."
"There’s no proper desk or chair either."
"I love seeing some of our friends there, and I understand why my husband wants to go."
"But with my health, finances, and everything else going on, spending 25 days there feels overwhelming rather than like a vacation."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So AITA for deciding we shouldn’t spend that one month of paid-for holiday with my in-laws?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NAH- He should go, and you should stay." ~ nakida2
"You could do a staycation, and he can go be with mommy."
"Win-win."
"You’ll probably be a lot more relaxed on solo time!"
"NTA for not wanting to go."
"You do have the right to spend your time as you see fit." ~ thatphotogurl
"NTA at all."
"Honestly, what you've described sounds like my personal hell."
"Your MIL can learn at her big age that No means NO and that it is incredibly childish and manipulative to badger a yes out of someone."
"Your husband can learn to stick up for you and tell his parents No as well."
"Best of luck, OP." ~ Aidyn_the_Grey
"NTA. Every family has their own Christmas traditions."
"In my family, it's generally the case that my siblings with spouses will spend one Christmas with our family, then the next Christmas with their family."
"It's kind of inconsiderate of your husband to demand you spend every year with his family."
"Holidays are stressful, and I hope he considers adjusting for you this year when you're going through something." ~ HunnySThompson
"A whole month, that’s an incredibly long amount of time."
"I would think a week would be too much for me."
"Someone taking away your choices is not ok."
"You have to go shopping with her and be on display for her friends."
"This is too much."
"Ask for one week instead."
"Also, your husband either needs to defend his wife or agree that you aren’t going for a month."
"What kind of man doesn’t stick up for his wife?" ~ Glass-Cheetah-2975
"NTA. The simple compromise is that you stay home with the dog and be only goes for one week, and is home before actual Christmas Day to celebrate with you."
"Since the dog will not need to travel, he can take a short trip." ~ JenninMiami
"NTA. We used to host Thanksgiving every year, including letting out-of-town guests stay in our home for up to 10 days."
"We are self-employed and work mostly from home, so having house guests is a big deal."
"One year, it worked out that no one could travel for Thanksgiving, so we booked a cruise."
"We now book a cruise EVERY THANKSGIVING!!!"
"We let everyone know they can join us on the high seas."
"No one has!"
"It's blissful! I'll never cook Thanksgiving dinner ever again." ~ Unspicy_Tuna
"Your husband isn’t comfortable telling them no?"
"But it’s ok for you to feel uncomfortable and ill?"
"Your husband needs to stand up for his wife."
"No means no. No explaining, no repeating over and over again."
"Your MIL is a bully and does not care about you or your welfare, and I am thinking your husband does not either."
"Does he have a stake in his parents' business?"
"Is it going to him or is he going to be splitting it with siblings?"
"If he is just running it for them and being underpaid and not getting any time off, he needs to leave." ~ glindaglitter
"NTA. It sucks that he worries about his comfort and his parents' comfort, but doesn't seem to care if his wife is miserable."
"IF you agreed to go, insist on staying somewhere other than with them, so you can work as needed, and get rest and down time as needed."
"If this isn't financially workable, oh well, guess you don't go."
"For her requests and invitations, answer one time, and then remind her that you've already answered."
"She keeps badgering because she's trying to wear you down."
"Just don't engage."
"It's just like managing a toddler."
"And feel free to mute notifications, so she can't intrude on your work or rest."
"If your husband wants to be there, it's his job to manage her."
"If he can't get on board with that, he can make the trip by himself." ~ Mira_DFalco
"NTA. You are expected to travel after surgery, with a chronic condition, while awaiting further treatment?"
"You are expected to be in that state without any control over your environment, activities, and interactions along with a pushy MIL and an unsupportive husband?"
"Hell no, OP, do not go."
"Your break can be at home, with a cup of cocoa and your favorite things + the supportive love of your faithful canine companion."
"You, as is the saying, have a husband problem."
"He can go; it doesn't sound like you need him anyway." ~ kalixanthippe
"NTA. Life is short, but there should also be future Holidays spent at home, God willing."
"It’s not like establishing a new routine of absence; it’s just a one off."
"Go enjoy yourselves, sounds like you deserve a break." ~ MidlifeCrotches
"NTA. The reasonable compromise is you stay home with the pup, your husband visits for no more than a week and is home with you for Christmas."
"Best of both worlds." ~ Traditional-Sky5252
"NTA, do you realize that you've made a decision and you don't have to defend it like a court case."
"You don't want to go, that should be enough for everyone."
"Stop explaining and defending your right to choose for yourself and just choose yourself!" ~ tinytrolldancer
"NTA. Did your husband inherit his mother’s ability not to understand the word No?"
"Where is your family?"
"Why haven’t you alternated holidays?"
"25 days is a long time to spend in someone else’s house."
"Given your health, it makes sense to stay closer to your doctors."
"Can you visit for a shorter period next year while your husband takes the dog for a long stay?"
"Or rent a car for your stay?"
"Or stay closer to town for a couple of weeks?"
"Or buy an e-bike to make traveling to public transport faster?"
"6 years is a long time to be miserable over the holidays." ~ cassowary32
Reddit is with you, OP.
It's time for you and your hubby to make a more solid plan.
A whole month is a lot.
Hopefully, y'all can make it work.
Good Luck.
