When it comes to reassurance and comfort, people are more likely to want someone they have an established, loving relationship with. But should they give equal consideration and time to their significant other's support system?
A wife turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback after her husband objected to her pick8ng her mother to help her with surgery and recovery.
Last_Wonder asked:
"AITA for preferring my own mom to my mother-in-law (MIL)?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My (35, female) husband (42, male) and I are first time parents to a 4-month-old baby and he works long hours, so I’m with the baby alone most of the time. I had a traumatic birth and emergency c-section, so I had my mom staying with me the first few weeks postpartum as I healed."
"My MIL was coming 2-3 times a week to visit the baby as well during that time. I don’t mind my MIL, she’s nice enough, but we’re not exactly close."
"We have a very formal, polite relationship. I went from seeing her once every 6-8 weeks before baby to now a couple of times a week so it’s been a big jump in visits already."
"While I don’t dread them, it still feels like an item to 'check off' on my list."
"My husband felt it wasn’t fair that I was relying on my mom so much, but I struggled to see his point of view as it seems natural to prefer your own mom and it’s not like I was excluding his mom. I doubt his first call in an emergency would be to my mom over his."
"I already spend more one-on-one time with his mother than he does."
"Fast forward to now, I’m about to have minor surgery to my eye that I’m a bit scared about. I’m getting my mom to take me and to come back to our house for the next couple of days to stay with me while I heal."
"I’ve made sure we’re seeing my MIL two nights in a row before my surgery so it’s 'even', but my husband is still complaining that I’m favouring my own mom by wanting her by my side and for her staying over. I don’t see the problem, but his insistence on everything being 'fair' (fair to WHO by the way?) are wearing me down and making me want to include my MIL less."
"He finds my mother 'annoying' and leaves the room/house when she’s over sometimes, which makes his objections about my preference even more absurd!"
"I don’t feel like I should need to sacrifice my own comfort here. It’s not like my MIL made much of an effort to get to know me pre-baby, she only started coming over (literally for the first time to our house) once the baby was born, so I think it’s fair to assume she isn't coming to see me."
"If he was having surgery and for whatever reason I was unable to be there, I would never assume he'd call my mom before his own. Hence why I want my mom to take care of ME after the procedure."
"AITA?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. My first husband insisted that his father and stepmother stay at our house instead of my mother when I gave birth, because it was his father's first grandchild and my mom already had two."
"No thought to the fact that I would NEED my mom to help me recover. That marriage failed. The birth issue was the first big clue for me that my husband was a self-centered, controlling a**hole." ~ Runneymeade
"My mom was a blessing after my c-section. I imagine your mom was actually helping you. And now your MIL comes over 2-3 times a week, to hold the baby."
"Once a week would be too much for me. I totally understand wanting your mom there." ~ PurplePanicAC
"Go over to your mom's house instead and tell hubby that he and his mommy can hang out together all they want." ~ Melia100
"NTA. This is so bizarre and ridiculous from your husband. It is completely natural to want to have your mom by your side during health issues and traumatic and stressful times. Obviously, you have a level of comfort and intimacy with your own mom over MIL that you had a surface-type relationship with."
"You are already bending yourself backwards by having her stay 2 nights in a row: the need to do this in itself is ridiculous, but having your husband complain after that is just... I have no words. And of course your MIL is there to see baby, I don't even think she would want to help YOU in the way your mom is and will help YOU."
"You are already sacrificing your comfort and your rest by having her visit so much. I would reduce my efforts, nothing you do relating this will be enough for him. I would try to have a calm, but firm, conversation with him and tell him that if from now on your MIL visits more than x times in y period of time, he is solely responsible for the visit and the baby."
"If it has to be on days he has off work, then so be it. I am so sorry your husband is treating you this way after everything you have been through and all the issues you are dealing with."
"Stand up for yourself and lean more on your mom if you have to. Best of luck for your surgery and recovery. Try to enjoy the precious moments with your bundle of joy, since raising a newborn can be a lot of stress and work! Especially with your complicated birth." ~ AlexandraG94
"NTA. Why didn't he ever complain to his mom pre-baby to get to know you and have a relationship with you? Now it's your responsibility to be the primary caretaker to a small baby and build a relationship with his mom?"
"What about his mom? She doesn't have to put the effort to know you? If the baby's relationship to his mother is important to him, both he and his mother need to pull their weight."
"It's not your job to manage a grandmother-grandchild relationship, especially when you're recovering from surgery. What is his relationship with your mother and does he do childcare equally with you? Since he's so keen on being fair? ~ sb0212
"NTA—tell him when he has the baby by himself, he can call his mom. He can take the baby by himself to visit his mom. Next time he’s sick, has a baby or surgery, he can call his mom. She is HIS mom. But when you need help, YOUR mom will be your first call." ~ 9smalltowngirl
"NTA. It’s natural to want your support person to be someone who you feel comfortable with and are close to, which in this case is your mother."
"Has your MIL even said anything to your husband about feeling left out? Or is he assuming that she feels left out? It feels like he’s trying to force a different kind of relationship between the two of you instead of letting it happen naturally." ~ tictactowbar
"Hubby can have OP’s mom go to his next few prostate exams and see how comfortable he is with that. It’s OP’s medical care, she should have the support person that makes her comfortable. Fair doesn’t factor into caregiving that way." ~ HelloThere4123
"Whoever gives the best care, assistance and comfort to OP and the baby wins here. And it's OP's mom, especially since they're very close. It's not like the MiL is being deprived. Her presence is not just the same as OP's mom. The husband should realize that you can't just force closeness like that." ~ IceSeeker
"He should be grateful your mom is so willing to help while you heal and find your feet. Imagine keeping score while your wife is recovering from so much physically over the last months - talk about selfish!" ~ shrimpandshooflypie
"You're NTA. You recovering from surgery is not a time for bonding with your MIL. I assume he is worried that this means your mom gets more time with the baby. If this is the case, then he can organize time to take the baby to his mom. Perhaps that would be a good weekend activity for him."
"If he complains, I would tell him that in this situation, being there is his job. If he isn't going to do it then you get to choose your mom. I get having to work a lot, but there is a point where work destroys home life. If he is upset about these things, he either needs to fix the work-life balance so he can be there, or not comment." ~ Both-Enthusiasm708
OP provided a short update:
"My MIL is not a bad person, but she is definitely not interested in me at all. But I have no doubt she loves my baby."
"I don’t know if my MIL wants to be there for my surgery. I’d imagine she would want to be there to hold the baby….but I’m actually really scared and I want my mom there for ME."
"I wouldn’t ever stop their relationship because I WANT my son to be surrounded by people that love him."
"And at the same time, that doesn’t mean I have to 'choose her' over my mother at any time. I will be choosing the people that choose me."
"My MIL doesn’t even look at me when she gets to my house; she just straight up looks at/greets the baby. Then me."
OP's mom isn’t going to be there to primarily provide childcare. She'll be caring for her own child, OP.
Whoever is best qualified for that should be who does it.
