Every now and then, we might find ourselves needing to step up and help our families.
This could mean doing things we don't particularly want to do but do them nonetheless, partially out of obligation, and partially because we know our family members would do the same for us.
Even so, there are some things our family might ask us to do for them that we simply cannot say yes to under any circumstance.
The mother of Redditor anna14x1 needed a bit more help around the house following surgery.
While the original poster (OP) was more than willing to help her mother, there was one department where the OP simply drew the line and would not help.
Something the OP's mother didn't appreciate one bit.
Wondering if she was being insensitive, the OP took to the subReddit "Am I The A**hole" (AITA), where she asked fellow Redditors:
"AITA for not wanting to take care of my mother?"
The OP explained how she was happy to offer her mother help after her surgery, up to a certain point.
"My mother has an upcoming surgery on her right wrist and wants me to take care of her after the surgery."
"As her daughter (19 F[emale]) She expects me to wash her, wipe her bottom after going to the toilet, and probably more."
"I told her that I was very uncomfortable with that and that she could hire someone to do that or ask her husband for help."
"After I told her that she got visibly upset because, as her daughter, it is expected for me to take care of her."
"I am slightly annoyed that just because I'm of the 'female' gender I am expected to be her caretaker."
"I didn't mean to hurt her, but what she wanted from me crossed my boundaries."
"Am I The A**hole?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in on where they believed the OP fell in this particular situation, by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
The Reddit community was in agreement that the OP was not the a**hole for refusing to help her mother after she used the bathroom.
Everyone agreed that it was more than reasonable for the OP to draw the line at helping her mother in such a delicate situation, particularly as her mother's surgery wasn't quite as debilitating as she was making it out to be. Others offered other suggestions as to how the OP's mother could deal with this particular problem.
"NTA."
"Is her other hand/wrist/arm not working?"
"I can understand if this is her dominant hand, she isn't used to using a different one...but I would be teaching myself how to do that rather than expecting my child to wipe my a**."-ExcitingEvidence8815
"NTA."
"It is one wrist and not both."
"And I would expect the husband to get the job of taking care of his injured wife, that's how a marriage is supposed to work."
"I'd be uncomfortable as well, but my mother would never expect that of me and my siblings."-Fredka321
"NTA."
"It is expected by her, not by you."
"No."- diminishingpatience
"NTA tell her to use her other wrist."- SnappyC
"Jesus."
"I broke my arm at 61 and did everything myself. Got pump shampoo to make it easier."
"Did track pants and t's so I didn't do buttons or zips."
"Basically didn't need any help at all, and the last thing I'd ever ask my kid is to wipe my a**."
"Sounds more like an excuse to be waited on all day."
"Let her hubby wash her and wipe her. You help with meals making tea or whatever, and keeping house clean."
"That's more than enough."- F*ckivehadenough
"She can use the opposite hand for doing everything."
"I just broke my arm and had to do it all with my left hand. I'm right-handed."
"NTA."- Snoo-32071
"NTA."
"She still has two hands, right?"
"You can also buy add-on bidet toilet seats so she can power wash her a** when she's done."
"There are many ways (as others have mentioned) that she can cope with her temporary situation."
"What would she do if you weren't there?"- RoookSkywokkah
"Her request is bizarre."
"It is reasonable that she may need help with dressing during the recovery period."
"Buttons, zips, etc. are tricky to do up one-handed."
"Although, here's a tip: pull-on tops and elastic-waisted pants are your friend."
"But wiping one's a** is not an action that requires two hands."
"She will still have one functional hand."
"Tell her to use it."- ThisWillAgeWell
"NTA."
"I'm right-handed and twice in my life I've lost the ability to use my right hand. Once when I was 13 major laceration to my right elbow, and broke my right hand when I was 18."
"I did literally everything on my own."
"You have to learn to become a lefty for a couple of months, but it comes naturally pretty quickly."
"The only thing that was hard was typing and writing."
"Most everything else can be done with one hand."- Sad-Explanation7327
"I had surgery on my right wrist and thumb (right is my dominant hand)."
"I just used my left hand."
"I would be mortified to ask my daughter to wipe my butt."
"NTA."- scout1982
"NTA, I had surgery on my right shoulder a few months ago to get a port."
"I wasn't able to put on a shirt myself, because I couldn't lift my arm and moving my hand also hurt a lot at least the first few days."
"Beside that, I did everything myself."
"And yes my right arm is my dominant arm."
"So doing everything with my left hand/arm wasn't funny, but it worked."
"I would understand if she's asking for help with part of the dressing and maybe cooking etc."
"But wiping her behind?"
"Seriously?"
"If she believes she is unable to do that herself, she should hire a professional caregiver for the time or stay at the hospital."- Tina0407
"This is weird."
"I assume she also has a working left hand to wipe with."- CreedTheDawg
"NTA."
"She really can't wipe with the other hand?"
"It's wrist surgery, not open heart surgery... remember you are NEVER obligated simply because 'family'."- Scared-Accountant288
"My sister recently fell out of a 2-story building and broke her elbow and the top bit of her arm and fractured her collar bone."
"The only thing I had to help her with was washing her hair and putting her dressing gown over her right side."
"Your mum is using this to make you her slave."
"Yes old(er) people will struggle a bit more but jeezus having to wipe her a** because of a wrist surgery is laughable."
"She has another hand!"- Special_Version_2937
"I've had surgery for carpal tunnel."
"Not the greatest for sh*ts 'n' giggles, but showering and toileting were still accomplished solo."
"I also know of at least one person who had carpal tunnel surgery done on both arms at the same time."
"They managed their own hygiene."
"It took a bit of planning and thought, but it was doable."
"OP, you're NTA."
"In your place, I'd be at least dreaming of telling her to kiss my a** before I'd consider wiping hers." CrazyOldBag
"As long as she has two hands this is a very odd request, most people don't like the indignity of having someone else do their personal care even when it is unavoidable."
"NTA."- Dazzling-Health-5147
"NTA."
"I can only assume she has two hands - and can buy a bidet."
"The idea children are there to take care of you no matter what is so gross."
"F*ck our own lives and boundaries, right?"- MarvelHead
"NTA."
"She has a husband, unless he's somehow mentally/physically disabled, I fail to see why he can't take care of his wife."
"This is a boundary you're not willing to cross. She cannot force you to do it."- SparklingWalnut
The OP later returned to thank everyone who gave their input while also clarifying a few things about her mother's situation.
"To clear up some misconceptions: My Mom has a healthy and functioning left arm."
"Thanks for everyone recommending a bidet!"
"I didn't know that these existed."
"I'll definitely recommend that to her."
"After that conversation, we didn't really talk to each other yet."
"I just hope she won't bring anything up again."
"My father is healthy and will probably help her after the surgery."
"He would just prefer if I did it because I am the 'daughter'."
"And of course, I'll help her with getting dressed up, cooking, or cleaning the house."
"It's just washing and wiping her genitalia that I don't feel comfortable with."
Needless to say, the surgery of the OP's mother is definitely going to make things more complicated for her around the house.
It's also easy to understand why the OP, or anyone, wouldn't be particularly eager to help her mother in the bathroom.
Rather than demanding her help from the get-go, it might have been wise for the OP's mother to see what she was and wasn't capable of first.
As doing so might have avoided this whole messy situation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp