When a child is sick and in the hospital, parents never rest.
It's a constant waiting game for updates.
Trying to schedule the rest of life while this is happening can be nearly impossible.
So constant communication between parents is imperative.
But communication isn't always easy in stressful situations.
Redditor Immediate-Iron7241 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
"AITA for calling my ex's job because our daughter was scheduled for surgery?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I (33 F[emale]), have 2 children with Ex (34 M[ale])."
"Our daughter (5 F) has been hospitalized for 6 days so far."
"Of those 6 days, I've been here with her for 5."
"I've called in from work every time."
"Ex and I were both here day 1, but then he had to go back to work."
"I've kept him updated every chance I got."
"I work a 3rd shift, so I normally watch both kids if they don't have school."
"We live in a state that was hit with a pretty big snowstorm, and the hospital is an hour drive on a normal day, so 'rotating' who stays with her wasn't really an option."
"I needed to get back to work, as my daughter has health insurance through me."
"My mom offered to call in so that way I could go to work last night."
"School was canceled, so I had our son (6 M) with me while Ex worked."
"At 11:30 am, the doctor called me saying she was scheduled for surgery at 5 pm, and I had to come back to the hospital to sign consent forms."
"Ex's job takes him all over the state, so I never know what city he is in, and the only way I can get a hold of him is if he has wifi access, as our form of communication is FB Messenger."
"Since this is already traumatic for my daughter, I didn't want to bring my son in."
"So I set up a 'plan B' for my dad to take him in case Ex was too far away."
"Dad lives 45 minutes away."
"I had texted Ex updates earlier in the day, and he never opened them, but when I got the surgery update and the time limit on when I needed to be there, I tried calling him."
"I only tried once, because there's a certain tone that means one of us does not have an internet connection (I knew it was him)."
"So I called his job to try and relay the message to him."
"My exact words were, 'Our daughter is in the hospital, and I'm having a hard time getting a hold of him.'"
"'Can you please get in contact with him and have him call me?'"
"Fast forward a few hours later, and he basically said I embarrassed him and jeopardized his career and that I should never call his place of work ever again for any reason."
"I have screenshots available, edited for privacy."
"EDIT FOR CLARITY: I am under the impression that he does not have a phone plan, but he has an app that gives him a phone number, and he uses that for communication with his employer."
"I believe this phone number is also only available with his wifi access (as he has not told me to use that instead of FB)."
"Also, his coworkers know that he has children, and he has taken them inside and given a tour of the place."
"It is a male-dominated field, so I don't think he's hiding a girl from me (not that I care)."
"He doesn't work alone."
"I had called what I'm guessing is their 'dispatch,' and I think they called his on-site supervisor or something to get a hold of him for me."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA, and maybe, if you're calling his place of employment embarrasses him, then he should be checking in with you to get updates about her."
"It shouldn't be all on you to reach out and communicate."
"This is his child after all." ~ uwishuhad1
"NTA, it was an emergency."
"What's career jeopardizing about one phone call about a sick child?" ~ cydril
"He doesn't want his co-workers to know that he's the kind of person who doesn't care about his 5-year-old daughter, 6-year-old son, or the mother of his children."
"I wouldn't employ someone like that." ~ Conscious_Field369
"As a kid, my mom's job had horrible cell service, so she gave me her office and coworker/boss phone in case of emergencies."
"Like obviously not 'what's for dinner' but 'I'm going to the hospital/the house is on fire.'"
"A parent not being able to have a form of contact for emergencies is actually crazy." ~ Fire284
"NTA. He doesn't stop being a parent simply because he's at work."
"That's not how that works." ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
"Right. NTA, but OP, please, for goodness sakes have each other's phone numbers for emergencies like this, and you won't have to call his work!" ~ oresearch69
"Of course, he was embarrassed."
"Sounds like they had no clue, and he had not shared any of this."
"It says so much about him and made him look bad."
"Obviously, NTA, that role is taken by him."
"Sending all my love for your daughter and her recovery." ~ Choirmom1
"You didn't embarrass him."
"He embarrassed himself by being a shi**y dad whose ex has to call him at his place of employment to let him know his child is in need of his support at the hospital." ~ Pretend-Read8385
"NTA. But your ex definitely is."
"I'm actually shocked at how selfish and toxic someone could be to say that you communicating to his job about his child in the hospital is 'embarrassing.'" ~ Awalkinthepark777
"NTA, this was a rare enough situation that it was an actual emergency." ~ Teamtunafish
"NTA—a child in the hospital, especially for something serious enough for a multi-day stay and surgery, is worth getting a message relayed by whatever means necessary, and I'm confident that your ex's coworkers/bosses agree with that and any threat to his career is all in his head." ~ Naomeri
"NTA. He is embarrassed because his coworkers know he is a man who doesn't keep himself accessible when his child is in the hospital."
"You and the hospital should be able to reach him by phone in an emergency." ~ Pear_tickle
"NTA - Calling a job due to an ongoing medical issue while the employee may have limited communication is 100% understandable."
"I, personally, wouldn't want to work somewhere where the mother of my child calls in trying to get in touch with something important." ~ d2020ysf
"NTA... And I'm now suspicious of your ex-husband."
"What came to mind for me is that perhaps he is having an affair at work and has passed himself off as a childless person to said partner."
"This is the only reason I can come up with for why a father would react that way to a phone call telling him his daughter needs surgery."
"The only reason he would be angry about that is that it exposed something."
"No normal company would care, so there's gotta be something else to this." ~ Recent_Gas4203
"While it might have been good to try calling him a second time, you did nothing wrong in trying to get a message relayed to him, even if that means calling his work."
"I know some workplaces are more understanding about that sort of thing than others, but if my daughter were in the hospital and needing to have surgery, I would want to know by any means necessary."
"If he's unreachable, what did he want you to do?"
"Just let her have surgery without him ever knowing until later?"
"If a child's mother trying to get in touch with the child's father about a medical emergency jeopardizes someone's career, then he's working for a toxic company. NTA." ~ IMakeThingsIGuess
"I'm 70."
"So this was a long time ago, before cellphones."
"My mom took my little brother shopping. 2 years old."
"He got his arm caught in some machinery and had to be rushed to the hospital."
"Immediate surgery."
"Thought he would lose his arm, maybe die."
"The state police went to my dad's construction site to tell him."
"There was no question of embarrassment."
"The boy needed his father."
"All there was to it."
"Your ex... is a louse?"
"Apparently, you are now free to parent as you see fit."
"As others have said here before, sometimes you are better off alone."
"I wish he'd put that in writing."
"You'll be fine."
"It's a shame for the child."
"I'm sorry, OP." ~ indiana-floridian
"NTA, your child that you two have together needs her dad just as much as she needs you during a pretty tough thing, being hospitalized and having surgery."
"If his job was actually in jeopardy because of a call from you saying his daughter is having surgery, that's honestly a job not worth having."
"That's a direct family emergency." ~ Shaperonova88
"As you said in a later comment, he refuses to get a cell phone."
"I refuse to believe that he has a job that takes him on the road but doesn't pay enough to afford a cell phone."
"That's ALL on him... and that definitely makes you NTA." ~ wesmorgan1
"You're NTA, but he obviously is. "
"There's no scenario where he's been honest with his work that it would jeopardize his job that you called to relay an extremely important message about his daughter."
"There's also no reason why that should be embarrassing."
"He doesn't want you to call his work and frequently cuts off contact?"
"Sounds like a guy with a girlfriend that doesn't know he has kids." ~ Old_Possession8188
OP came back with an update for us:
"Her surgery went very well."
"She's the strongest little warrior."
"I'm pretty confident that we'll be able to go home tomorrow or the day after."
That is a wonderful update, OP.
Let's hope for a very speedy recovery.
Your ex's reaction is as suspicious as it is strange.
But he is not your problem.
Sending healing vibes.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp