When a child is sick and in the hospital, parents never rest.
It’s a constant waiting game for updates.
Trying to schedule the rest of life while this is happening can be nearly impossible.
So constant communication between parents is imperative.
But communication isn’t always easy in stressful situations.
Redditor Immediate-Iron7241 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
“AITA for calling my ex’s job because our daughter was scheduled for surgery?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“I (33 F[emale]), have 2 children with Ex (34 M[ale]).”
“Our daughter (5 F) has been hospitalized for 6 days so far.”
“Of those 6 days, I’ve been here with her for 5.”
“I’ve called in from work every time.”
“Ex and I were both here day 1, but then he had to go back to work.”
“I’ve kept him updated every chance I got.”
“I work a 3rd shift, so I normally watch both kids if they don’t have school.”
“We live in a state that was hit with a pretty big snowstorm, and the hospital is an hour drive on a normal day, so ‘rotating’ who stays with her wasn’t really an option.”
“I needed to get back to work, as my daughter has health insurance through me.”
“My mom offered to call in so that way I could go to work last night.”
“School was canceled, so I had our son (6 M) with me while Ex worked.”
“At 11:30 am, the doctor called me saying she was scheduled for surgery at 5 pm, and I had to come back to the hospital to sign consent forms.”
“Ex’s job takes him all over the state, so I never know what city he is in, and the only way I can get a hold of him is if he has wifi access, as our form of communication is FB Messenger.”
“Since this is already traumatic for my daughter, I didn’t want to bring my son in.”
“So I set up a ‘plan B’ for my dad to take him in case Ex was too far away.”
“Dad lives 45 minutes away.”
“I had texted Ex updates earlier in the day, and he never opened them, but when I got the surgery update and the time limit on when I needed to be there, I tried calling him.”
“I only tried once, because there’s a certain tone that means one of us does not have an internet connection (I knew it was him).”
“So I called his job to try and relay the message to him.”
“My exact words were, ‘Our daughter is in the hospital, and I’m having a hard time getting a hold of him.'”
“‘Can you please get in contact with him and have him call me?'”
“Fast forward a few hours later, and he basically said I embarrassed him and jeopardized his career and that I should never call his place of work ever again for any reason.”
“I have screenshots available, edited for privacy.”
“EDIT FOR CLARITY: I am under the impression that he does not have a phone plan, but he has an app that gives him a phone number, and he uses that for communication with his employer.”
“I believe this phone number is also only available with his wifi access (as he has not told me to use that instead of FB).”
“Also, his coworkers know that he has children, and he has taken them inside and given a tour of the place.”
“It is a male-dominated field, so I don’t think he’s hiding a girl from me (not that I care).”
“He doesn’t work alone.”
“I had called what I’m guessing is their ‘dispatch,’ and I think they called his on-site supervisor or something to get a hold of him for me.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“So… AITA?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
“NTA, and maybe, if you’re calling his place of employment embarrasses him, then he should be checking in with you to get updates about her.”
“It shouldn’t be all on you to reach out and communicate.”
“This is his child after all.” ~ uwishuhad1
“NTA, it was an emergency.”
“What’s career jeopardizing about one phone call about a sick child?” ~ cydril
“He doesn’t want his co-workers to know that he’s the kind of person who doesn’t care about his 5-year-old daughter, 6-year-old son, or the mother of his children.”
“I wouldn’t employ someone like that.” ~ Conscious_Field369
“As a kid, my mom’s job had horrible cell service, so she gave me her office and coworker/boss phone in case of emergencies.”
“Like obviously not ‘what’s for dinner’ but ‘I’m going to the hospital/the house is on fire.'”
“A parent not being able to have a form of contact for emergencies is actually crazy.” ~ Fire284
“NTA. He doesn’t stop being a parent simply because he’s at work.”
“That’s not how that works.” ~ Disastrous-Nail-640
“Right. NTA, but OP, please, for goodness sakes have each other’s phone numbers for emergencies like this, and you won’t have to call his work!” ~ oresearch69
“Of course, he was embarrassed.”
“Sounds like they had no clue, and he had not shared any of this.”
“It says so much about him and made him look bad.”
“Obviously, NTA, that role is taken by him.”
“Sending all my love for your daughter and her recovery.” ~ Choirmom1
“You didn’t embarrass him.”
“He embarrassed himself by being a shi**y dad whose ex has to call him at his place of employment to let him know his child is in need of his support at the hospital.” ~ Pretend-Read8385
“NTA. But your ex definitely is.”
“I’m actually shocked at how selfish and toxic someone could be to say that you communicating to his job about his child in the hospital is ’embarrassing.'” ~ Awalkinthepark777
“NTA, this was a rare enough situation that it was an actual emergency.” ~ Teamtunafish
“NTA—a child in the hospital, especially for something serious enough for a multi-day stay and surgery, is worth getting a message relayed by whatever means necessary, and I’m confident that your ex’s coworkers/bosses agree with that and any threat to his career is all in his head.” ~ Naomeri
“NTA. He is embarrassed because his coworkers know he is a man who doesn’t keep himself accessible when his child is in the hospital.”
“You and the hospital should be able to reach him by phone in an emergency.” ~ Pear_tickle
“NTA – Calling a job due to an ongoing medical issue while the employee may have limited communication is 100% understandable.”
“I, personally, wouldn’t want to work somewhere where the mother of my child calls in trying to get in touch with something important.” ~ d2020ysf
“NTA… And I’m now suspicious of your ex-husband.”
“What came to mind for me is that perhaps he is having an affair at work and has passed himself off as a childless person to said partner.”
“This is the only reason I can come up with for why a father would react that way to a phone call telling him his daughter needs surgery.”
“The only reason he would be angry about that is that it exposed something.”
“No normal company would care, so there’s gotta be something else to this.” ~ Recent_Gas4203
“While it might have been good to try calling him a second time, you did nothing wrong in trying to get a message relayed to him, even if that means calling his work.”
“I know some workplaces are more understanding about that sort of thing than others, but if my daughter were in the hospital and needing to have surgery, I would want to know by any means necessary.”
“If he’s unreachable, what did he want you to do?”
“Just let her have surgery without him ever knowing until later?”
“If a child’s mother trying to get in touch with the child’s father about a medical emergency jeopardizes someone’s career, then he’s working for a toxic company. NTA.” ~ IMakeThingsIGuess
“I’m 70.”
“So this was a long time ago, before cellphones.”
“My mom took my little brother shopping. 2 years old.”
“He got his arm caught in some machinery and had to be rushed to the hospital.”
“Immediate surgery.”
“Thought he would lose his arm, maybe die.”
“The state police went to my dad’s construction site to tell him.”
“There was no question of embarrassment.”
“The boy needed his father.”
“All there was to it.”
“Your ex… is a louse?”
“Apparently, you are now free to parent as you see fit.”
“As others have said here before, sometimes you are better off alone.”
“I wish he’d put that in writing.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“It’s a shame for the child.”
“I’m sorry, OP.” ~ indiana-floridian
“NTA, your child that you two have together needs her dad just as much as she needs you during a pretty tough thing, being hospitalized and having surgery.”
“If his job was actually in jeopardy because of a call from you saying his daughter is having surgery, that’s honestly a job not worth having.”
“That’s a direct family emergency.” ~ Shaperonova88
“As you said in a later comment, he refuses to get a cell phone.”
“I refuse to believe that he has a job that takes him on the road but doesn’t pay enough to afford a cell phone.”
“That’s ALL on him… and that definitely makes you NTA.” ~ wesmorgan1
“You’re NTA, but he obviously is. “
“There’s no scenario where he’s been honest with his work that it would jeopardize his job that you called to relay an extremely important message about his daughter.”
“There’s also no reason why that should be embarrassing.”
“He doesn’t want you to call his work and frequently cuts off contact?”
“Sounds like a guy with a girlfriend that doesn’t know he has kids.” ~ Old_Possession8188
OP came back with an update for us:
“Her surgery went very well.”
“She’s the strongest little warrior.”
“I’m pretty confident that we’ll be able to go home tomorrow or the day after.”
That is a wonderful update, OP.
Let’s hope for a very speedy recovery.
Your ex’s reaction is as suspicious as it is strange.
But he is not your problem.
Sending healing vibes.