Trying to be there for a loved one in a hospital is difficult, especially when only one person at a time can be with them.
When the hospital tells you your loved one wants someone else in the room with them, as Redditor throwaway5tkl5466 experienced, it can be hurtful. The original poster (OP) didn’t take well to her husband’s request, and decided to leave the hospital.
Now OP’s husband and his mother are accusing them of being petty, though they think otherwise. To figure out if they were wrong, OP decided to ask the “Am I the A**hole” (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
OP thinks they were fully justified.
“AITA for leaving the hospital after my husband called for his mom instead of me?”
However, their husband and mother-in-law see things differently.
“My husband (31) was in the hospital for a surgery that involved anesthesia.”
“His mom came to wait with me there but didn’t speak to me because we have been having some minor disagreements. She offered me coffee but I declined politely.”
“Hours after the surgery, we were told only one person goes into the room for the day since he was still under anesthesia. From what I understand he woke up calling for his mom, the nurse asked for his mom to go in and she did.”
“I was irritated and felt like all this waiting and stressing out got ignored.”
“The nurse told me that he was still not fully awake and was repeatedly calling for his mom spontaneously, she was basically hinting that I shouldn’t get worked up over a natural reaction from my husband but I couldn’t help feel irked. I wanted to go home so I left 10 minutes later.”
“His mom called saying she got out the room after I left so I could get time with him but instead I couldn’t wait and went home.”
“She said this was not okay and I flew off the handle for no reason. I said that her son acted like I wasn’t there but she said that he can not be blamed for something he can’t control and I’m just being unfair to him and putting blame on him because of a disagreement between her and I.”
“I cut the conversation short after I sensed that she somehow blamed me for being unacknowledged and ignored. Her husband texted later saying I’m being hostile over nothing and that I should focus on my husband’s health instead of acting petty but I don’t think I did anything that qualifies as petty.”
OP thinks she was ignored and she has a right to be upset, but her mother-in-law and the nurse think she’s overreacting to an uncontrolled reaction from her husband.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for leaving the hospital because she felt ignored by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You’re the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While OP can feel however they want about the situation, it comes down to how they reacted. Their husband likely wasn’t even thinking when he asked for his mother.
OP’s MIL was right to say that OP was overreacting. The nurse tried to hint at it too.
The board agreed that OP was TA, and shouldn’t have reacted that way.
“YTA. Even if it wasn’t a groggy reaction from coming out of surgery, he’s allowed to ask for his mother. Unbelievable that you went home instead of waiting to see him.” – RB1327
“OP, when my grandmother was in the hospital she started asking for her mother, who had been dead for 40 years. Anesthesia and pain killers do odd things to your brain.” – Cayke_Cooky
“You don’t speak to his mother because of a ‘minor’ disagreement? God, I wonder how you’d act if you had a ‘major’ disagreement?”
“He was waking up from surgery. He was still medicated. It’s like when you wake up and are groggy and still half asleep.”
“You chose to put your spat with his mother over your concern for his health.”
“Grow the heck up.” – mdthomas
“She doesn’t even seem that concerned about his health period. She’s more concerned about no one acknowledging how she had waited or how stressed she was.”
“Heaven forbid no one think about her and her needs after her husband’s surgery.” – DryLengthiness5574
“You should be ashamed of how you acted.”
“The nurse was absolutely right. I have literally had surgery, while married to my HUSBAND, and I woke up calling out for my mother.”
“I have no relationship with my mother. She has destroyed most major events in my life, including the police called on my wedding day because of her, and forced me to spend my wedding night sleeping in mine and my husband’s marital bed with her because she was trashed, and my husband slept on the sofa.”
“I don’t even remember calling for her. I’ve heard people not even remembering they’re married when they wake up. Some people haven’t even recognized their actual parents.”
“Your concern for your husband was completely overridden by childishness and selfish pettiness.”
“You left your husband in a hospital because he called out for his mom. Please, please reevaluate how you look at things.”
“YTA” – opinionatedjars
“Jesus Christ, OP, you’re so immature.”
“Anesthesia makes you high. Waking up from it, you’re still pretty high. You’re not thinking clearly, nor are you able to make an actual decision.”
“Last time I was under fully, I was 18F, and the moment I woke up, I started hitting on my married, 55,M doctor who’s been my doctor since I was 1.”
“I wanted to die of shame once I sobered up, but at the time, it seemed like a great idea.”
“Yet your husband is supposed to somehow think about poor, poor you waiting outside? Get over yourself.”
“AND THEN YOU LEAVE. Your MIL graciously left so you could go in, but you were too busy throwing a tantrum to be there for your husband.”
“You come across as massively childish and selfish. You made even a surgery about you, and how much you waited outside”
“Grow up and get over yourself. Not everything is about you” – Kari-kateora
The particularly egregious thing here is that OP’s husband was coming out of the effects of anesthesia. Many people don’t react well to this, and experience an excessive level of brain fog.
Why would they blame their husband when he was effectively under mind altering influence?
“YTA. I’m a nurse anaesthetist and:”
“1. people have no idea what they say when they wake up from anaesthesia and even a pretty while after”
“2. It’s perfectly normal and fine for patients to call for their moms when they feel sick, are in pain etc. Dying patients usually call for their mothers, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that since our mothers are (usually) the ones taking the most care of us and we all carry them deeply in our hearts.”
“So yeah, you have no right to be upset and act childish about this and yeah, YTA.” – nNeuroticMonkey
“I saw a video of a guy coming off anesthesia who sees his wife sitting next to him and asks who she is and she says, ‘I’m your wife,’ and he goes, ‘What? You’re my wife? You’re beautiful,’ and it was really adorable and hilarious, but also goes to show that you’re not fully in your right mind as you’re waking up from anesthesia.”
“It’s not like OP’s husband deliberately snubbed her by asking for his mom. It’s likely that he just regressed back to his childhood and who do you ask for when you’re a child?”
“Your mother, or whoever your primary caretaker was.” – Lanky-Temperature412
“Last time I had surgery there was someone coming off anesthesia who thought he had been abducted by aliens. People are not responsible for what they say under anesthesia.”
“You owe both him and his mother an apology for this.”
“Edit: I did not realize this comment would result in such an amazing string of incredible anesthesia stories. Thanks for all of them!” – AuroraBlue6
“YTA – I came out of anesthesia begging for my mommy (as a mid-20s adult), slightly wailing, and in immense pain. I don’t remember most of it, and I sure as shit wasn’t in control of what I was saying or doing.”
“Our moms are normally who we had growing up who take care of us in our most vulnerable state. It’s natural that if he had a good relationship with his mom, he would call for her since it was ingrained in his head as a baby that she is there to take care of him.”
“His mom handled this excellently by helping and calming him down, then giving you time with your husband. You are the only asshole here since you just up and left, immediately.” – SherbetAnnual2294
OP’s reaction may have been genuine, but it was also unecessary. If they took a second to think about what their husband was going through, and how the anesthesia might have been affecting him, they wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal.
Additionally, sharing someone you love with their parents shouldn’t be a huge issue. They can each take turns visiting him in the hospital and it doesn’t mean OP was being ignored.