Trying to be there for a loved one in a hospital is difficult, especially when only one person at a time can be with them.
When the hospital tells you your loved one wants someone else in the room with them, as Redditor throwaway5tkl5466 experienced, it can be hurtful. The original poster (OP) didn't take well to her husband's request, and decided to leave the hospital.
Now OP's husband and his mother are accusing them of being petty, though they think otherwise. To figure out if they were wrong, OP decided to ask the "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) subReddit about the situation.
OP thinks they were fully justified.
"AITA for leaving the hospital after my husband called for his mom instead of me?"
However, their husband and mother-in-law see things differently.
"My husband (31) was in the hospital for a surgery that involved anesthesia."
"His mom came to wait with me there but didn't speak to me because we have been having some minor disagreements. She offered me coffee but I declined politely."
"Hours after the surgery, we were told only one person goes into the room for the day since he was still under anesthesia. From what I understand he woke up calling for his mom, the nurse asked for his mom to go in and she did."
"I was irritated and felt like all this waiting and stressing out got ignored."
"The nurse told me that he was still not fully awake and was repeatedly calling for his mom spontaneously, she was basically hinting that I shouldn't get worked up over a natural reaction from my husband but I couldn't help feel irked. I wanted to go home so I left 10 minutes later."
"His mom called saying she got out the room after I left so I could get time with him but instead I couldn't wait and went home."
"She said this was not okay and I flew off the handle for no reason. I said that her son acted like I wasn't there but she said that he can not be blamed for something he can't control and I'm just being unfair to him and putting blame on him because of a disagreement between her and I."
"I cut the conversation short after I sensed that she somehow blamed me for being unacknowledged and ignored. Her husband texted later saying I'm being hostile over nothing and that I should focus on my husband's health instead of acting petty but I don't think I did anything that qualifies as petty."
OP thinks she was ignored and she has a right to be upset, but her mother-in-law and the nurse think she's overreacting to an uncontrolled reaction from her husband.
On Reddit, the users of the board judged OP for leaving the hospital because she felt ignored by including one of the following in their response:
- NTA – Not the A**hole
- YTA – You're the A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everybody Sucks Here
While OP can feel however they want about the situation, it comes down to how they reacted. Their husband likely wasn't even thinking when he asked for his mother.
OP's MIL was right to say that OP was overreacting. The nurse tried to hint at it too.
The board agreed that OP was TA, and shouldn't have reacted that way.
"YTA. Even if it wasn't a groggy reaction from coming out of surgery, he's allowed to ask for his mother. Unbelievable that you went home instead of waiting to see him." - RB1327
"Agree YTA."
"OP, when my grandmother was in the hospital she started asking for her mother, who had been dead for 40 years. Anesthesia and pain killers do odd things to your brain." - Cayke_Cooky
"YTA"
"You don't speak to his mother because of a 'minor' disagreement? God, I wonder how you'd act if you had a 'major' disagreement?"
"He was waking up from surgery. He was still medicated. It's like when you wake up and are groggy and still half asleep."
"You chose to put your spat with his mother over your concern for his health."
"Grow the heck up." - mdthomas
"She doesn't even seem that concerned about his health period. She's more concerned about no one acknowledging how she had waited or how stressed she was."
"Heaven forbid no one think about her and her needs after her husband's surgery." - DryLengthiness5574
"You should be ashamed of how you acted."
"The nurse was absolutely right. I have literally had surgery, while married to my HUSBAND, and I woke up calling out for my mother."
"I have no relationship with my mother. She has destroyed most major events in my life, including the police called on my wedding day because of her, and forced me to spend my wedding night sleeping in mine and my husband's marital bed with her because she was trashed, and my husband slept on the sofa."
"I don't even remember calling for her. I've heard people not even remembering they're married when they wake up. Some people haven't even recognized their actual parents."
"Your concern for your husband was completely overridden by childishness and selfish pettiness."
"You left your husband in a hospital because he called out for his mom. Please, please reevaluate how you look at things."
"YTA" - opinionatedjars
"Jesus Christ, OP, you're so immature."
"Massive YTA."
"Anesthesia makes you high. Waking up from it, you're still pretty high. You're not thinking clearly, nor are you able to make an actual decision."
"Last time I was under fully, I was 18F, and the moment I woke up, I started hitting on my married, 55,M doctor who's been my doctor since I was 1."
"I wanted to die of shame once I sobered up, but at the time, it seemed like a great idea."
"Yet your husband is supposed to somehow think about poor, poor you waiting outside? Get over yourself."
"AND THEN YOU LEAVE. Your MIL graciously left so you could go in, but you were too busy throwing a tantrum to be there for your husband."
"You come across as massively childish and selfish. You made even a surgery about you, and how much you waited outside"
"Grow up and get over yourself. Not everything is about you" - Kari-kateora
The particularly egregious thing here is that OP's husband was coming out of the effects of anesthesia. Many people don't react well to this, and experience an excessive level of brain fog.
Why would they blame their husband when he was effectively under mind altering influence?
"YTA. I'm a nurse anaesthetist and:"
"1. people have no idea what they say when they wake up from anaesthesia and even a pretty while after"
"2. It's perfectly normal and fine for patients to call for their moms when they feel sick, are in pain etc. Dying patients usually call for their mothers, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that since our mothers are (usually) the ones taking the most care of us and we all carry them deeply in our hearts."
"So yeah, you have no right to be upset and act childish about this and yeah, YTA." - nNeuroticMonkey
"I saw a video of a guy coming off anesthesia who sees his wife sitting next to him and asks who she is and she says, 'I'm your wife,' and he goes, 'What? You're my wife? You're beautiful,' and it was really adorable and hilarious, but also goes to show that you're not fully in your right mind as you're waking up from anesthesia."
"It's not like OP's husband deliberately snubbed her by asking for his mom. It's likely that he just regressed back to his childhood and who do you ask for when you're a child?"
"Your mother, or whoever your primary caretaker was." - Lanky-Temperature412
"YTA"
"Last time I had surgery there was someone coming off anesthesia who thought he had been abducted by aliens. People are not responsible for what they say under anesthesia."
"You owe both him and his mother an apology for this."
"Edit: I did not realize this comment would result in such an amazing string of incredible anesthesia stories. Thanks for all of them!" - AuroraBlue6
"YTA - I came out of anesthesia begging for my mommy (as a mid-20s adult), slightly wailing, and in immense pain. I don't remember most of it, and I sure as shit wasn't in control of what I was saying or doing."
"Our moms are normally who we had growing up who take care of us in our most vulnerable state. It's natural that if he had a good relationship with his mom, he would call for her since it was ingrained in his head as a baby that she is there to take care of him."
"His mom handled this excellently by helping and calming him down, then giving you time with your husband. You are the only asshole here since you just up and left, immediately." - SherbetAnnual2294
OP's reaction may have been genuine, but it was also unecessary. If they took a second to think about what their husband was going through, and how the anesthesia might have been affecting him, they wouldn't have thought it was a big deal.
Additionally, sharing someone you love with their parents shouldn't be a huge issue. They can each take turns visiting him in the hospital and it doesn't mean OP was being ignored.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp