Chronic tardiness can be a problem for more than just the person who's always late. Why a person is late can be the result of a number of factors. But they're reasons, not excuses.
A daughter turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback afted tricking her perpetually late father into showing up on time.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Black_cat_energy_83 asked:
"AITAH for telling my dad the wrong time?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My sister's husband (34, male) wanted to throw my sister (40, female) a surprise 40th birthday party and he rented a hall for it. I (42, female) was put in charge of a few things like gift bags to keep the children busy and dealing with my dad (60)."
"It's been a running joke my entire life that my dad is always notoriously late for everything. He was late to both mine and my sister's weddings."
"He's the youngest of 8 and always got a free pass. His lateness has been a joke for my entire life. He never really explained his side of it, but never really cared that he was always late."
"The surprise for my sister's birthday was on a tight schedule."
"People had to park in the lot in the back and she was under the impression that it was a party for my cousin's husband's birthday. I even faked my location with her so she would see that I was at work and not going to the party."
"The only weak link was my dad."
"I've seen the gag so many times about giving a fake time. I don't claim that this was my bright idea on its own. Thing is, we've never tried it on my dad before, so this looked like the perfect time to try it out."
"Surprise was at 5pm. I told him it was at 430."
"He called me at 435 to help him find the right parking lot. I met him outside and he asked if my sister was there yet because he was late."
"I told him no, she's coming for 5. He looked at me funny and said you told me 430. I told him I only told him that to make sure he was there before 5."
"He parked and everything worked out perfectly. My sister had a great party. My dad was acting just fine until after. He told me that I was rude and embarrassed him."
"So am I the a**hole?"
"Everyone was told arrive for 430 and surprise was at 5. I told my dad to arrive at 4 and surprise was at 430. He still arrived after everyone else."
"I'm not going to lie, I felt amazing that I was actually able to get him to show up to something on time and vindicated when he was still actually late to the time I told him. It wasn't until afterwards with his reaction that it took some wind out of my sails."
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was
"He proved exactly why you had to tell him 4:30. If that had been the time, he would have either possibly ruined the surprise or arrived after the surprise. NTA. If he was embarrassed, well, he should have been. Maybe he can learn how to read a clock." ~ sweets4n6
"My mother is like this. I did the fake time thing for my mother for 20 yrs. She found out 5 yrs ago and got all mad. When she asked me why, I said that she didn't need to be the center of attention all the time and that's what she does when she's late by 30 minutes.
"She tried going around me and asking other people what the 'real time' would be, but I've now gotten everyone else trained to do the same thing, so now she always arrives a little early to family celebrations without even knowing. She always thinks she late." ~ CorrectDocument2
"NTA, This happened to my chronically late sister-in-law recently and she also said other sister-in-law who told her the earlier time embarrassed her. That’s how you know you’re dealing with a selfish a**hole. He should be way more embarrassed about being chronically late than he is about being on time for once." ~ SoCalThrowAway7
"You’re a great sister and an even better daughter, well done." ~ Due-Extreme-7608
"To be fair he wasn’t even on time for the fake time! I’d be reminding him of this and say that had he been given the right time he would have been late for the surprise." ~ wtaf28
"NTA I tell people to lie to me about start times for situations like this one, and they can’t tell me they’re lying. I also can’t do it for myself, like if I know it starts at 5:30 but tell myself 5. Still late."
"I’m beyond hating myself for it and I have no pride. I’m hopelessly timeblind except for the few anomalous moments when I’m impeccably on the nose. Go figure." ~ PricelessPaylessBoot
"If you people are embarrassed because they showed up late to the fake early time then they need to start showing up on time to the correct one. NTA." ~ aeroeagleAC
"NTA. We used to do this with my MIL. If dinner was 7, we would tell her 6. Then she would arrive around 8, and be annoyed everyone had eaten already (not making small children and a diabetic wait until she arrives)."
"She was also late to our wedding, despite only needing to exit her hotel room and walk into the gardens." ~ HereLiesSarah
"He should’ve thanked you for getting him there on time. And I say this as a chronically late person.NTA." ~ wordsmythy
"Yes…he should be embarrassed. He almost missed his daughter’s surprise. Because he was late. Again." ~ iwanttoquitworking
"I'd ask him if he's really complaining about you assuming he'd be late when he was in fact late." ~ authorinthesunset
"NTA. You didn't embarrass him, you told him an earlier time to ensure he'd be there on time. You didn't even call him out on it. If he's embarrassed he has no one else to blame but himself and you should tell him as such." ~ Shadow11Wolf50
"I don't understand what your dad is saying. Yes he's right: you humiliated him by proving he's an unreliable baby, and that's embarassing. It should be."
"But is he suggesting you shouldn't have done it? Is he suggesting you should have allowed him to ruin the surprise?" ~ Hopeful_Dance_268
"NTA - people who are always late are inconsiderate pieces of garbage. They think they are more important than others and do it on purpose. If they get their feelings hurt, oh well." ~ Black_knight_sapper
"NTA. If he's embarrassed is because his own rudeness wasn't overlooked like he's used to. Embarrassed is the correct feeling for being late." ~ fruitjerky
"So he got mad... he was on time? This reaction tells me he knows he's always late, which means he's actively choosing to be late. Not saying he's doing it for attention, but it's certainly a red flag for some narcistic ish like that. NTA." ~ Interesting-End1710
"NTA. If he's embarrassed is because his own rudeness wasn't overlooked like he's used to. Embarrassed is the correct feeling for being late." ~ fruitjerky
"So he got mad... he was on time? This reaction tells me he knows he's always late, which means he's actively choosing to be late. Not saying he's doing it for attention, but it's certainly a red flag for some narcistic ish like that. NTA." ~ Interesting-End1710
"You did what you needed to. But it was unappreciated so future attempts should be the accurate time and if they're late, do not try to apologize or fix the situation, let them be responsible solely for the consequences of their actions even if it's a missed event. Don't wait for them." ~ KnowsIittle
"NTA... I had a chronically late family member that got pissed at us for doing the same thing, only we told them 1/2 hour earlier for EVERYTHING and they still showed up OVER 1/2 an hour later."
"When we had a surprise birthday party for someone, we told the chronically late person a time 1/2 hour LATER than the actual 'surprise' time just so we wouldn't risk them showing up at the same time as the surprise. Only then did they finally come to grips with THEM being the problem." ~ Nutella_Zamboni
"You weren't rude, you were realistic. Embarassed him to who? Himself? That's on him. Maybe he'll be embarassed enough at himself to make an effort to be on time more. NTA." ~ takatine
"NTA. You accomplished what you needed to. If he complains again, ask him if he'd rather have spoiled the surprise." ~ JosieJOK
OP's concern was for her sister, not her father's ego. That should have been his biggest concern as well.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp