Being on time isn't always easy.
Sometimes it feels like life is constantly setting up hurdles to make people tardy.
But a lot of the time, some people just don't care about being late.
And that can be an issue.
Case in point...
Redditor PinDry258 wanted to discuss his experience and get some feedback. So naturally, he came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
He asked:
"AITA For tricking my parents into being on time for my wedding?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My (M[ale] 33) parents are late for everything."
"Like everything. Both of my sister's and myself have been disappointed so many times."
"Graduation ceremonies, birthday parties, even my father's retirement dinner."
"It is completely my mother's fault."
"She is a wonderful mother and I love her dearly, she just does not understand the concept of punctuality."
"I have seen her talking to her sister on the phone and reminded her she needed to be at my baby sister's dance recital. "
"She waved me off and arrived after my sister had danced."
"We are all used to it."
"My dad is just done trying to get her to be on time for anything."
"My now wife (F[emale] 28) told me in no uncertain terms that if my mother was late for our wedding she would do terrible things to me."
"She was only half joking."
"But she was a witness to my mom and dad arriving halfway through my cousin's quinceañera."
"So here is what I did. It is completely on me."
"Me wife was not involved."
"If there is a di*k move it was completely mine."
"When we were getting samples for the wedding I talked to the printer and had one special invitation printed with the time on it stated it being one hour earlier than the actual start time of the ceremony."
"My mother was beside herself apparently."
"When they left the house and thought they were going to miss the wedding since she was a part of it, with her and my M[other] I[n] L[aw] lighting the candles we would use to light the unity candle and stuff."
"When she arrived and noticed other people were also just arriving and parking she was so relieved that we were starting late that she just went with it."
"The ceremony went off beautifully."
"And so did the wedding pictures and the reception."
"The problem came last Sunday."
"My parents came over for a big family dinner and we didn't bother starting the grill until they showed up."
"She asked why everyone wasn't eating and we just said we knew we would be waiting for them since they are always late."
"She said that she was not always late and had been on time for my wedding."
"She hadn't been."
"They arrived 45 minutes AFTER the time on their invitation."
"My idiot cousin John, real name because it's common and he deserves people to know he is a dolt, snorted at her statement."
"A few other people giggled or smiled at this and she picked up and asked what was so funny."
"I came clean and told her about the 'special' invitation."
"She is pissed at me for not trusting her and making her look foolish in front of everyone."
"If my cousin had just controlled himself she never would have known."
"AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA?:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole.
Let's hear some thoughts...
"NTA - How can she complain?"
"If you had sent her an invite with the real time then she would have been 45 minutes late."
"She should appreciate the fact that you wanted her to be there enough that you took the time to make her a special invite to ensure she arrived on time." ~ Forward_Squirrel8879
"This is the way."
"In fact. Flip it on her."
"Say the reason you did it it's because you wanted her to be there for your wedding."
"And you knew how sad she would be if she had missed it."
"And you did all you could to ensure her happiness and yours in this very special day because you couldn't bear the thought of the ceremony without her there."
"And that now she has a very special unique invitation that nobody else has that is a testament of your love for her that you went to the length of having it specially made."
"Just for her."
"Emotionally manipulative? Of course."
"Latino families thrive on this crap."
"What a good son you were to know how much it meant to her to be there since the beginning to see her son getting married!"
"Bonus points if you pull her aside and say you also didn't want the 'others' to comment on the mother of the groom being late and it reflecting negatively on her."
"The neighbors can be so nosy and gossipy."
"It would break your heart if people picked on her because of that."
"Such a caring concerned son... she will smell the crap but it will probably give her a good laugh." ~ ladylyrande
"The fact that it literally worked to perfection should be a wake up call to her!"
"Also, I am amazed at how oblivious she is to arrive 45 minutes late to her sons wedding and just thought it was starting late."
"Maybe I would see her point if the plan hadn’t been such a slam dunk! NTA!" ~ acltear00
"NTA. She is embarrassed because she has a problem showing up on time and you proved it." ~ vcatacarte
OP came back with a little more info...
"Part of the reason she is mad is because she had her invitation framed."
"To be honest I was already planning a heist with my sisters to replace it with the real one in case she ever noticed the discrepancy between hers and the one we have framed in our home."
"Yeah we are Latinos."
"And no I do not in any way consider it racist how many of you guessed that."
"I have been to Spain and it's an issue there too."
"And the Philippines. Basically anywhere those guys were in charge."
"Also... Stop defending John."
"He and I have spent thirty years messing with each other."
"I have an AITA story that ends with me getting an offensive tattoo ($5,000 for removal) and him getting a body cavity search at the Mexican border."
"I would post it but it happened like ten years ago."
Reddit continued...
"Just keep repeating that she was 45 minutes late."
"Flat out tell her that had you not lied to her, she would have missed your wedding and that not only will you never apologize for doing what you did."
"YOU want an apology from her for being 45 minutes late in the first place. NTA." ~ The__Riker__Maneuver
"NTA. Nicely played in my opinion."
"Your mum should be ashamed of herself for being so self involved that she does not value anyone else."
"If she tries to get huffy keep putting it back on her... this is a consequence of her behavior."
"And she should be the thanking you for knowing her so well that you went the extra mile so,"
"She could be there on time." ~ squirlysquirel
"NTA. You should show her this thread honestly."
"I use to be notoriously late for everything... when i was 21."
"My boyfriend now husband stopped one day and literally had to say."
"I need you to respect me and acknowledge my time is also valuable as is the time of the people we are seeing."
"I'm never late now."
"I recognize that everyone's time is valuable."
"I can't imagine your sister waiting backstage to go dance and not see her family in the audience." ~ Kreeblim
"LOL NTA."
"Ingenious solution to a problem you knew was headed your way."
"The fact that she can be angry when she showed up 45 minutes late for what she thought was the starting time is pretty ridiculous."
"It sounds as though she could use some therapy on why she is always late and how to improve it or risk ruining relationships." ~ TempyIsMyName
"NTA your mom being late, especially when she has your dad to remind her of the time, is pure selfish nonsense."
"Even if she had shown up early, she would have experienced what you do every time you invite her somewhere."
"I'm also curious as to what your dad thought of the whole thing?" ~ ohbuddywhy
"NTA. Chronically late people rarely own up that their behavior boils down to selfishness."
"Being systematically late without taking steps to correct that fault means that their time and energy are more valuable than yours."
"You were kind enough to take into account that failing."
"And rather than barring entry to latecomers during the ceremony, you did what you could to ensure she'd still be there."
"She WAS almost an hour late!"
"She's embarrassed herself." ~ groggy_froggie
"She is pissed at you for not trusting her to arrive on time for a function that she believed she was 45 minutes late for?"
"Ask her how that makes any sense at all. NTA." ~ turtlelife1
Well OP, Reddit seems to appreciate your sense of humor.
Sounds like your mom needed a serious wake up call.
Hopefully this changes things for the better.
Good luck with everything.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp