As a parent, balancing schedules can be beyond stressful!
Kids have different after-school activities, sports, and appointments.
It can be hard to juggle it all.
Redditor u/BigMcLargeHuge1977 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback, so naturally, they came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not wanting to take my 17 year old stepson along to a doctor’s appointment for my six year old?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My oldest stepson is 17, and lives primarily with his dad."
"He comes over once or twice a week for two or sometimes three days at a time."
"As an aside, I also work from home."
"My stepson doesn’t attend school and usually just works with his dad mowing grass."
"My stepson has had a few run-ins with law enforcement, thankfully nothing serious, just knucklehead stuff."
"However, because of that history and because he doesn’t go to school when he is with us, neither my wife nor I trust him to be alone in the house."
"My six-year-old has a behavioral health appointment today, and those types of appointments are pretty intimate in my view."
"I knew my wife wanted my stepson to come over yesterday, so on Tuesday of this week I asked what the plan was."
"She said just to have him come over and stay Wednesday and Thursday."
"When I mentioned my youngest son’s appointment being today, she said she would talk to my stepson's dad about it and left it at that."
"This morning I asked what the plan was for our stepson, and my wife said she just figured I could take him with me."
"I tried to explain my rationale and said that I specifically asked about this on Tuesday to avoid this kind of situation, but she says I’m making too big of a deal about taking him."
"Even at 6 years old, a behavioral health appointment can get into some very personal issues, and I see it as respect for my youngest son’s privacy."
"If this situation were reversed (I.E., it was my oldest stepson's appointment, I wouldn’t want to take my youngest stepson along out of respect for my stepson's privacy."
"My gut feeling is that it’ll also be a bad idea to leave my oldest stepson alone in the lobby for the duration of the one-hour appointment."
The OP was left to wonder:
"So... AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A-hole.
"A 16-year-old can sit in a lobby or go for a walk."
"Don't overthink this." ~ wotsname123
"A 17-year-old that they don’t trust to be alone in the house?"
"Editing to add that now that I know the reason for their lack of trust (he had a weed pen), I definitely feel like it’s overreacting and the kid can be left alone for an hour."
"From another comment I posted down thread: Sure, we don’t want our teenagers doing drugs, but he’s almost an adult, and he’s going to have plenty of alone time to do whatever he wants soon enough. Seems a bit much to want him to be constantly supervised."
"I thought it might be something more serious (harm to self or others, stealing, running away)." ~ malibuklw
"A 17-year-old who can’t be left for an hour in a lobby of a professional space is wild."
"Can’t he scroll, listen to music, read a book?"
"He’ll be a legal adult in less than a year; he needs some life practice and skills." ~ No_Ordinary_3964
"At 17, he can wait in the lobby while you go into the appointment with your 6-year-old."
"If the 17-year-old's behavior is such that he cannot be trusted to behave himself on his own in public for 20 minutes, you have bigger problems that cannot be addressed here." ~ Diasies_inMyHair
"If a 17-year-old cannot be left in a lobby for one hour, then he has more issues than just 'knucklehead stuff' with law enforcement."
"So sorry that you are going through stepchild/ primary family issues. NTA." ~ Formertchr
This whole post is confusing. You say he hasn’t done anything serious, 'just knucklehead stuff' - yet you won’t let him be by himself anywhere for any amount of time."
"Like he can’t even sit in a waiting room on his own."
"Which would lead me to believe he HAS some very serious problems."
"Why is he not getting a BH appointment?"
"My son is 17, and he doesn’t go to school - that’s not a reason for me not to trust him at home by himself."
"I feel like you are leaving a ton of info out." ~ JazD36
"NTA. Your wife needs to take time off work to babysit their child."
"If the boy doesn't go to school (why isn't the kid in school?), can't be trusted home alone, and can't be trusted in a waiting room alone for an hour, then it's your wife's responsibility to take care of him."
"But seriously, if he's that untrustworthy, there are much bigger issues beyond just 'knucklehead stuff.'" ~ DrTeethPhD
"Or maybe OP is overreacting, and the wife doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal for a 17-year-old to sit in the lobby alone."
"I would be confused if I were the wife because this shouldn’t even be a big deal like OP is making it out to be.
"All he did was vape and got banned. Is it bad? Sure."
"But that’s the only example OP gives."
"Just ONE thing."
"I have seen teens do wayyyyyyy worse." ~ Street_Umbreon
"If a 17-year-old literally can’t sit in the car or a waiting room for 30 mins without supervision, that far transcends typical 'knucklehead l' teen stuff and the kid desperately needs therapy."
"If it really is just run-of-the-mill kid stuff, you’re overthinking it and need to chill out." ~ Important_Dark3502
"NTA. Your wife dropping this on you last minute after you proactively asked for a plan on Tuesday, combined with her dismissing your valid privacy concerns, is deeply frustrating." ~ orvxyrion
"NTA. This sounds like a problem for stepson's mom and dad to figure out."
"If he needs constant adult supervision and you are not going to be available for an hour or two that one day, then they need to make other arrangements." ~ ZipperJJ
"If your stepson is as bad as you say, why isn’t he going to behavioral therapy???"
"Why are we just watching his every move but not getting him help?"
"What are you going to do when he’s 18?"
"Kick him out?"
"I have a feeling that’s what you want."
"You are waiting till he’s 18 so YOU don’t have to deal with him anymore." ~ binxybaby
"NTA, but I’m telling you, get a handle on any issues he has ASAP. "
"The law is going to be much tougher on him when he’s 18, and at that point you’ll have no say in whether he does develop any behavioral health problems."
"I said my brother was a problem at 15-17, but my parents brushed it off, and now he’s 30, jobless, has a criminal record, has spent multiple 6+ month stays in the state mental hospital, with Korsakoff’s and schizoaffective." ~ thehipaapotamus
"Can the 17-year-old sit in the lobby without supervision?"
"If they can’t be trusted to not leave the office or get the police called by the receptionist, then arrange for a babysitter."
"But that’s a big concern if that’s the case, since they are nearly an adult."
"Honestly, it’s a concern that they can’t be trusted in the house alone for an hour or two, especially if you provide takeout or snacks; they don’t need to use the kitchen."
"Most teens would just watch TV or play video games, so if they truly can’t be trusted at home at 17, I hope that you guys get him help since he’s an adult soon." ~ RecordingNo7280
"NAH. Is your son close with his stepbrother?"
"I always went to my sister’s appointments, and they went to mine because my mom booked them all on the same day."
"If they were discussing something really personal, the other sisters would wait in the waiting room while they talked."
"Same as how sometimes the parents are asked to step out and wait somewhere else."
"I see no issue with bringing him, but I don’t think you are an a**hole for feeling uneasy about it." ~ Beautiful_Bird_4092
"NTA. At 17, if the bio parents aren't going to teach him about boundaries and following rules in public, then let the court system teach him [and his parents]."
"It's not your job nor your responsibility to ensure he 'behaves' in the lobby of the doctor's office or anywhere else, for that matter."
"I mean, he's old enough to have a job now if he isn't going to school." ~ DoNoharm5
"NTA. I have a special needs kid, too, and we have behavioral therapy appointments."
"It is not appropriate for the 17-year-old to be in the appointment room."
"My bigger issue is why the other parent is making the 17-year-old OP’s problem."
"If the 17-year-old is such a problem, that kid’s parent needs to reexamine how they’re handling the issue."
"Foisting him on the step-parent isn’t the way, especially when there’s a special needs kid getting therapy that day." ~ SomethingClever70
Reddit is with you, OP.
There is so much to unpack here.
It may be wise to consult some therapists on how to deal with this.
Good Luck.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp