People who are dealing with unexpected bills, especially for medical expenses, often turn to fundraising.
But are people obligated to help?
A woman with a difference of opinion from her parents turned to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Any-Garbage-5005 asked:
"AITA by refusing to donate to my parents' friends' child’s dog's medical bills?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"Wow, what a title. Anywho, I (48, female) was just asked to donate to my parents' friends' kid's dog's medical bills. The kid (46, female), we will call her Amy."
"Amy was unfortunately involved in a terrible accident which left her a quadriplegic when she was a child. My parents have helped them a lot in the past with things, you know, not financially, but just being good friends over the last 40 years."
"Amy‘s parents spend a lot of time bragging about their oldest son, Michael. Michael is a genius, Michael excels at everything academically, Michael is making so much money, Michael is so wealthy, Michael this, Michael that."
"Amy’s parents did not know my financial situation because my parents do not brag about it like hers do. Amy‘s parents have always supported her financially while she lives independently in Los Angeles while we all live over on the East Coast."
"Amy has a service dog and she did not have any pet insurance. Her dog now requires $15,000 of medical treatment. Both Amy’s parents and my parents are hounding me saying that I should contribute to this."
"They 'encouraged' me to contribute 'at least $5k'. I have not seen or spoken to Amy in probably 25 years. We just have never been friends. We weren’t even friends before the accident."
"My parents gave money to Amy’s parents to help with the bills and they both are upset with me that I won’t pitch in. I’m having a hard time understanding why I would be responsible here. I have three children and a terminally ill spouse."
"They just see the businesses we own and feel entitled. I asked my mom why she’s making me feel bad and she said 'you love your purses and fancy clothes'."
"I’m kind of baffled that they think they are entitled to my money. We have worked hard to build our businesses (we’re not billionaires). I am so confused and offended."
"But I am wondering, AITA here?"
Redditors weighed in using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
"NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just keep saying no. Your parents can donate if they feel so strongly about it." ~ tired-as-f
"NTA, no idea why you'd blow 5k on a stranger even without all your other stuff going on. The ask is frankly wild." ~ Elivercury
"Seriously. Even if OP was a billionaire, $5k is a huge ask for someone they haven’t spoken to in 25 years. The entitlement from both sets of partners is wild." ~ vrelzondor
"I would say to them, 'I have three children and a terminally ill spouse. This is not something I can do right now'. These people are tone deaf." ~ Ok-Inspection7155
"NTA. Tell them you will be happy to if they can donate $10 thousand for your spouse’s medical treatment." ~ Individual-Paint7897
"NTA. No one is entitled to a donation, regardless of how worthy the cause." ~ Impossible_Zebra8664
"NTA. People feel super entitled to money that is not theirs.You don’t really know her, you’re not friends. You have your own responsibilities in your life. Yeah, it sucks what happened to her, but that is not your issue." ~ Left_Set_5610
"This seems like one of those situations where your parents want you to invite all of their friends to your wedding, and you're like, what? I don't even know these people?"
"These people are obviously very important to your parents, and they sound pretty invested in Amy and her plight, but it really has nothing to do with you. NTA." ~ anthropocene2000
"As a terminally ill spouse, if anyone asked my husband to pay $5k for a dog that isn’t ours and a person he hasn’t seen in 25 years would be a hard pass."
"Cancer treatments are expensive, and we are never 100% sure what the year entails for medical costs (yes, I max my out-of-pocket every year), so that $5k stays with the person who earned it."
"I would sit down with your parents and walk them through it. That may open their eyes to it being much bigger than just a dog." ~ PleasantClub8495
"NTA. Amy's issues have nothing to do so with you. If her parents can financially support Amy while she lives LA, which has a very high cost of living, then they most likely have enough resources to pay for her dog's vet bills."
"Or their son could help pay. It makes absolutely no sense that they would expect a distant acquaintance to provide thousands of dollars. No sense."
"Turn around and ask them for money instead: 'I'm so sorry to hear about Amy's dog. I'm dealing with a lot with my terminally ill spouse while also raising three children. Out medical expenses are quite high. Is there any way you could make a donation toward paying our medical debt?'." ~ teresajs
"NTA seems like their favorite child Michael should pay for it with all his success and money. You have many financial needs and are in no way obliged to pay for any of this. They are so entitled." ~ GimmeAllThePBJs
"Nta. Amy’s parents have been using your parents for the last 40 years and have done so much brainwashing that your parents think that since they have been a slave to them, you should be too. This should have been nipped in the bud years ago. Amy seems to already have parents, a rich brother and your parents to boot. Whom do you have to help ? Your 3 kids should come before any Amy. Cut off your parents fully if they are not there for your kids. You will find so much more peace." ~ LifeAsksAITA
OP provided an update:
"Thank you. I was losing my mind wondering if I was missing something. I kept asking my parents why Micheal can’t pay? Why doesn’t she have pet insurance? Why don’t you ask her other family members?"
"It’s not something that even makes sense. My husband isn’t like in hospice yet, but he has brain cancer and yeah it’s not an immediate death, but the decline is torturous to watch."
"Today I had probably about three too many drinks at my house watching football with my 2 sisters (46) and (50) and our twin brothers (52). Also my parents were there. My husband is currently doing inpatient recovery between treatments."
"My sisters are complete pot stirrers but ALWAYS on my side. So….they brought it up because I told them about it and they were pissed. They asked our parents why Amy’s family didn’t ask them for the money for the dog and played it off like they would have loved to help them pay for it. Played dumb not knowing the requested dollar amount."
"My parents sat up and my dad says that’s why they got us all together was to ask us all to pitch in. Which is honestly completely ridiculous and not believable, my dad’s decline began years ago and we didn’t see it but it’s very noticeable when he hollers out of pocket sh*t like that. I just sat there, silent for about 10 minutes as my sisters interrogated my parents about the details of this dog’s exact needs."
"CUE OUR BROTHERS, they hunt. They love dogs. They think they’re experts and know everything in life—it’s actually hysterical. Our brothers start getting all offended because they didn’t ask them for advice. So they start getting into it with my parents."
"By this point we have danced around the issue for too long that I snap and yell, 'THEY F*CKING CO-SIGNED ON AMY'S PARENTS' $4,999.99 VENMO REQUESTS, WHY THE F*CK WOULD THEY SEND A VENMO REQUEST IF YOU DIDN’T TELL THEM TO?”
"All four of my siblings jaws dropped. Apparently I forgot to mention the Venmo request to my sisters, and my brothers knew nothing. I honestly don’t remember much of what my siblings yelled at my parents for like a half hour. My brothers have always been my protectors and my sisters my best friends, so they absolutely lost their minds on our parents."
"So honestly, I just sat there and let them help me. They certainly got through to our parents how wildly inappropriate and downright offensive this all was to do to me at this time of my life. They demanded that my parents sit down with Amy’s parents to discuss this or they (my brothers) planned on visiting them later this week. I’ll keep you posted!"
Then OP added another update:
"The dog died. I sh*t you not, the dog is dead. She died last night. Now I am just waiting for another Venmo request to help pay for a new dog. I’ll let you know."
OP isn't responsible for anyone else's family.
She has her own family crisis to deal with.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp