No relationship is perfect, and everyone will make mistakes from time to time.
It's what they do to make the situation better that makes the difference.
But when a romantic partner makes one bad decision after another and never apologizes or tries to fix the problems they're causing, it sets a pattern for the relationship, cautioned members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subreddit.
Redditor meow_hun's husband recently went to Burning Man without her, even though she really wanted to go with him, and when he got back, she felt like he didn't appreciate all that she did, and she felt emotionally neglected.
But when her husband went so far as to make dinner for himself and their daughter, leaving nothing for her to eat when she got home late from work, it became much clearer to the Original Poster (OP) exactly how he felt about her.
She asked the sub:
"Am I overreacting for being upset that I came home and discovered my partner had made dinner only for himself and our daughter?"
The OP had a hurtful surprise waiting for her when she got home from work.
"I commute an hour each way for work, which means I don’t get home until around 6:30."
"Tonight, I stopped at the store on my way home to pick up vegetables for dinner."
"When I walked in, I realized he had already made dinner, meaning he reheated leftovers for himself and our daughter."
"There wasn’t enough left for me. He hadn’t even considered that I might be hungry or want dinner too."
This only further validated the OP feeling ignored and underappreciated.
"Normally, something like this might just annoy me, but it comes on the heels of a much bigger issue."
"He recently left for Burning Man for a week, leaving me to take care of our daughter over the long weekend."
"On top of being left alone, I have never been, and it has been my dream for 15 years to go, and he completely ignored me. I love art and music."
"When he came home, I told him that I felt like he wasn’t appreciative of everything I had handled while he was gone."
"We have been fighting almost nonstop since he got back, and most of it stems from the same underlying feeling: I feel deeply underappreciated, and like my happiness and mental health are very low on his list of priorities."
The OP felt conflicted about her relationship.
"So tonight, I was really angry. I understand that I may be conflating tonight’s dinner situation with everything else that has happened recently, which is why I’m questioning my reaction."
"Am I overreacting by being upset that my partner didn’t consider me when making dinner plans, ate without me, and finished the leftovers without thinking about whether I had eaten?"
"I didn’t start a fight. He kept asking me why I was mad, then I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I said, 'Thanks for dinner,' and went into my room because I was too angry and hurt to deal with it in that moment."
"AIO?"
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
- NOR: Not Overreacting
- YOR: You're Overreacting
A few admitted that the OP might be feeling extra angry because of Burning Man.
"Did you tell him you were going somewhere after work? Is it Possible he assumed you went out after work and just made food cause your child was hungry?"
"I say YOUR child because you refer to them as 'my' child, by the way."
"Overall, yes, I think you are lashing out over the Burning Man issue, and this has little to do with this evening's meal." - CrimsonFangKnight
"If there is a pattern of behavior, it's very much worth it to confront this now. If this predates Burning Man, then it's an issue that is greater then that incident."
"As someone that swallowed my feelings for too long, I want to stress that you need to confront this now because resentment is really hard to move beyond once it burrows its way into your heart."
"You need to have a long, open and honest talk with him about the behaviors that are troubling you and how you feel." - TombThugNHarmony
But most felt that the OP's husband was being inconsiderate and definitely not appreciating her or thinking about her needs.
"NOR. He did that on purpose. I’m actually mad on your behalf." - littlepotatoface
"I'm guessing they were leftovers from a meal you previously cooked too. So he didn't even make the dinner; he just couldn't even be bothered to save you some of your own leftovers. That's pretty vile, to be honest." - LoveSuchs86
"What if those leftovers were meant for lunch tomorrow? My husband worked a closing shift today, and he made me breakfast, and I was home and not even working!"
"Adults should all contribute to meals and cleaning, and reheating leftovers doesn't count as a meal here. Also when was the last time he did groceries?" - EnvironmentalQuit236
"NOR. Burning Man without you??? Really???"
"I am allllll for couples having independence and their own friends and making their own plans and not being stuck together at the hip all the time. My partner isn’t into music festivals, so I go with my friends all the time."
"HOWEVER, Burning Man is literally so weird to go to without your partner if you’re in a relationship, ESPECIALLY if said partner actually wants to go as well, going without them is so dodgy…"
"You DO realise the stuff that goes on at Burning Man, right? It is so far removed from being just an arts and music festival anymore." - Normal-Tackle-5329
"NOR. Honestly, because of the Burning Man attendance is the exact reason why you should be annoyed. He seems to do what he wants with little concern for your needs." - callalind
"It might be because of how I was raised, but I can not imagine allowing my wife or my kids to go hungry for the night while I have a full belly. I typically cook for my house, and there has been times I screwed up dinner or just underestimated how much I should have made, and I made sure my family was fed, and I went without."
"Usually by hiding it from them so that they didn't feel guilty eating a full portion. Easy to pretend you ate too much while cooking."
"But everything else makes this even worse. NOR." - sibre2001
"We're not traditional like this at all. In our family, we sometimes eat together, sometimes not, depending on schedules and preferences."
"But never ever would we not make sure everyone's fed and happy at the end of the day. To have two people eat together without asking the third about their meal plans would be unthinkable. So thoughtless." - r_coefficient
"You’re right. You’re very low on his list of priorities. He weaponized his tantrum after being called out for leaving for a week. He’s trying to teach you that you aren’t allowed to question any selfish thing he does. He had the gall to ask if you were mad. I hope the dick is worth all this." - HotDonnaC
"NOR. You are like many moms these days. Your husband isn’t working with you to make life easier for you both."
"I would never make dinner for just myself unless my partner and I agreed that was the plan. We always check in around dinner to agree on the meal and divide up the work."
"Do you have any trips for yourself planned? If not, get on that. You need to be just as bold as him to take time away and recharge. He will see all that you do while you are gone." - Physical_Recording27
"NOR … considering his attitude, leaving you to watch his child while he goes and pretends he’s single and 19 again, and his inability to put himself in your shoes…"
"What keeps you with this man? Not what he did for you ten years ago or after the birth of your child. What keeps you with him right now, TODAY?" - Comfortable-Item-184
Not only did the subReddit completely understand why the OP was upset over there not being enough food for her to eat and being intentionally left out of dinner with her partner and her child, but they also pointed out that there seemed to be a pattern building in this relationship, and it wasn't a good one.
The OP's partner was choosing to go to any event that he wanted, regardless of how she felt about it or if she also wanted to go with him; he was willing to leave her alone with their child for days at a time with no concern for supporting her, and he was willing to leave her out of very simple but important acts, like setting aside a dinner plate for her to make sure she had something to eat, regardless of what time she got home.
They all seem like little acts, but they add up quickly, especially later in a marriage.
