Traveling to visit family should be a lovely occasion.
But not every family member makes it easy.
And a lot of times, certain members are traveling more than others.
This can create a lot of tension.
This can be why certain family members miss out on significant events.
Redditor.Agitated-Acadia-3050 wanted to discuss her experience and get some feedback, so naturally, she came to the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subreddit.
She asked:
""AITA for not letting my son call my dad's gf Mamma (her 1st name)?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"I recently found out I am pregnant with my second baby."
"Here is some backstory on WHY my husband and I decided text was a good enough way to tell his sister."
"I first met his family in 2021; we didn’t have kids, and we had the chance to travel, so we would go see them several times each year."
"We would go to one of the nieces' dance recitals, the other niece's dedication to the church at 1 year old, and various other reasons like holidays, etc."
"When we bought our first house in 2022, we thought they would come visit more to see our place and show their interest in our relationship."
'We live 3 hours away from his sister and parents for context."
"So it’s not an easy drive for anyone."
"Often, we would make the trek there and back in one day just to make it to the event and get back for work."
"When I was pregnant with our first baby, I asked my in-laws to please visit us more since we would have a newborn and our nieces would be 4 and 7."
"They completely agreed and acted like it was no big deal."
"Our first baby is now 20 months old, and they have made it over once a month after birth."
"We have gone there 6 times."
"If you’re curious, the overall count is 20-3."
"My husband's father is sick, so we didn’t expect my M[other]-I[n]-L[aw] and F[ather]-I[n]-L[aw] to come visit, but did expect my S[ister]-I[n]-L[aw] and family."
"There are a few other reasons we’ve gotten frustrated with my SIL's lack of interest in our family, but I’ll spare all the details."
"Once we became pregnant again, we waited to tell everyone in person."
"Everyone, not just his family."
"After traveling out there several times, she often made excuses for why she couldn’t travel 30 minutes to see us while we were in town. "
"So we didn’t bother to tell her we were traveling to see his sick dad and mom, which also happened to be the same day we let them know."
"We were just going to be petty and post it on Facebook, and let them find out that way. "
"But instead, I texted her and her husband to let them know we were pregnant."
"She said congrats but didn’t ask a single question about the pregnancy."
"No 'How you feeling,' 'What gender,” 'What’s the due date?'"
"NOTHING."
"This crappy response made us wish we had been petty haha."
"So his mom called and told us his sister said she wished she had found out in person instead of by text."
"I don’t feel like we owe it to her or anything."
"It’s always been her way or the highway, and we just don’t care anymore."
The OP was left to wonder:
"Sorry for the long drama post, but AITA?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed in on some options to the question, AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - More Information Needed
Many Redditors declared that OP was NOT the A**hole.
"NTA. I would remind them of the times you tried to see them in person."
"Tell them that was the opportunity to receive the news; they declined." ~ PersimmonPizza
"Yes! Since that was the 'share the news' trip and you tried to meet up but they couldn't meet, in-person news delivery didn't happen."
"Tried, failed, okay, here's your consolation text." ~ ididreadittoo
"NTA, but also… there’s a whole lot of resentment here."
"So much so that you’re tallying visits!"
"It’s probably best if you just stop GAF about your in-laws..."
"Don’t put much effort in, but don’t put energy into resenting them, either." ~ TheSadpole
"NTA! Tell everybody who's whining about this to send you their protocol book so you know how to contact them based on the situation."
"Damn! Instead of just being happy for you." ~ TallTinTX
"NTA. Sorry your SIL doesn’t make an equal effort." ~ Glittering-Squash700
"NTA. SIL wants to be catered to."
"She's an adult and should be beyond that."
"You have a family, and I'm sure don't have time for her shenanigans."
"Let her be who she is."
"You do not need to change to please her."
"Spend your energy on you, your partner, and your kids."
"That should be your focus."
"Don't worry about pleasing her."
"Congrats! Hope it's an easy pregnancy." ~ Ducky818
"Why didn’t you just tell your MIL what you told us?"
"Oh, she never seemed interested in our family, so I thought she wouldn’t mind."
"We have been to visit their family for every important occasion, but despite our hoping for her interest in ours, she has shown us she does not care."
"So I didn’t want to bother her with a big announcement." ~ FunDifficult1361
"NTA. She would have found out in person if she bothered to come by when you were visiting."
"I have a new rule."
"I moved out of state 13 yrs ago."
"Whenever I went home, everyone wanted ME to come see them."
"So now if they wanna see me, come visit where I am staying. So no sympathy for her." ~ Sashasez
"NTA at all."
"We moved 2.5 hours away from both our families."
"My in-laws come and visit us every month and stay for a few days, knowing full well we'll likely come to them, not because we dont want to, but it's too difficult with 2 kids and 2 dogs."
"My father, however, has a second home in the same town we moved to, and he comes several times a month."
"He was just here for 5 days, and not once did he come see my kids."
"Those who want to will make the effort."
"Don't go out of your way for those who won't make the same effort as you." ~ a_girl_has_no_nameee
"NTA - You get to decide how to announce, when to announce, and everything in between."
"Their feelings aren’t your responsibility." ~ Revolutionary-Bed678
"NTA. Don't even entertain this and spend another moment of your time thinking about it."
"Be receptive if she ever reaches out and wants to visit, but otherwise don't go out of your way." ~ brujajean
"NTA. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant."
"Do you mind me asking about your parents and siblings?"
"If possible, I would spend more time nurturing those relationships, and your husband can deal with his own family dynamics."
"If he’s willing to open up about how the lack of effort on everyone’s side has made your family feel he should."
"Otherwise let them know that traveling pregnant and with small children is difficult and you won’t be able to do it anymore for the foreseeable future." ~ Ok-Cauliflower-619
"NTA. Have a slightly different but similar situation where my SIL refuses to see me or my family, and my brother often shows up alone when we get together."
"Told my brother I was pregnant over the phone, didn’t tell her at all."
"I don’t know if she cared, but if she’s not going to make an effort, I’m not going to."
"To be honest, it sounds like your SIL also doesn’t want to make an effort."
"Not sure why she feels justified to be angry given her actions."
"I also don’t know why some women in the comments are saying it’s unreasonable to expect some sort of follow-up other than Congrats."
"To be honest, I quickly got tired of the 'How are you feeling?' questions, but it’s still basic politeness from someone in your family if they’ve been pregnant before, in my opinion." ~ Visual_Extension_576
"NTA, how to show you don’t care is to just remain quiet, leaving the relationship’s survival on her shoulders."
"If they can’t come visit, that should be fine; that means you don’t have to visit them either."
"In town, don’t bother telling them until you post pics on the way home talking about how your FIL is doing and how much y’all enjoyed the visit."
"If she complains, just respond with obvious questions like when was the last time you came to see us, when was the last time you called to visit, etc., putting the responsibility on your SIL to justify why she hasn’t bothered."
"Then tell her you can’t and won’t be responsible for keeping the relationship alive all by yourself." ~ different-take4u
"NTA. If she shows repeated disinterest in your growing family, then I don’t think you really needed to inform her directly at all."
"However, I think you both need to grow up a little."
"Your SIL doesn’t show interest in your family, so it doesn’t make any sense that she expects you to make the effort to tell her in person when she barely makes the effort."
"You complain that SIL congratulated you, but didn’t ask any follow-up questions, and you think that’s a crappy response."
"I think a crappy response would’ve been if she just said 'Ok' or if she didn’t respond at all."
"She said congratulations, didn’t she?
"Just move on already." ~ AccomplishedJump2795
OP had an update...
"A lot of people are asking why I want SIL in my life so bad if she doesn’t care."
"I care more about my child getting a chance to have a relationship with her cousins."
"I grew up in a large family and spent countless hours with my cousins."
"I’d love for my kids to have a chance to have a similar experience."
Sorry for all of the drama, OP.
This doesn't sound like an easy fix.
