According to the National Funeral Directors Association, a standard funeral in the United States ranges from about $7,000 to $12,000 for a traditional burial with a casket and $6,000 to $7,500 for a cremation service with a viewing. Direct cremation without a service or urn, at about $1,000 to $3,000, is the least expensive option.
Prices vary by state, depending on regulations and laws governing burials and cremation, and by region as well, depending on the cost of living.
A son turned to the "Am I The A**Hole" (AITAH) subReddit for feedback over a dispute with his siblings over their mother's funeral arrangements.
Similar to AITA, the AITAH subReddit allows posters to ask for advice and post about ending romantic relationships—both things that are banned on AITA. However, there are no required voting acronyms—only suggested ones—and no official final judgment declared.
Payneresistor asked:
"AITAH for refusing Mom’s final wishes?"
The original poster (OP) explained:
"My mother is nearing the end of her life and in hospice. I’m one of five siblings and the 2nd oldest to my sister. My brother and I are both retired laborers. Worked hard, made good choices, etc…"
"My sister and two younger siblings are still actively working and comparatively less successful, but far from poverty."
"My sister called to tell me mom’s wishes are to be entombed within the walls of a specific church mausoleum. Without prior discussion, she’s already gone ahead and started pricing out everything from flowers, two-day viewing at a funeral home, casket, luncheon, etc…. THE WORKS."
"I know Mom definitely wants the mausoleum because she’s mentioned it in the past for 'when the day comes'. The rest is my sister running up the tab for sure."
"The message was essentially this: Mom has no money set aside. State took everything for her care. There will be no inheritance to offset any costs. My brother and I will need to absorb ~$45k cost to make this happen for mom because she and our two younger siblings 'have no money'."
"My response was that we should tell Mom what she wants to hear and plan for the absolute cheapest options (cremation and a simple service). If more is wanted, then all five of us need to contribute."
"My brother feels the same as I do. The three siblings not pitching in are pissed and think we’re being selfish and badmouthing us to the family."
"Am I being unreasonable? AITAH?"
Some Redditors weighed in by using the AITA voting acronyms:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - more information needed
Redditors decided the OP was not wrong (NTA).
"No. It's not fair that the burden of payment should fall on you and your brother. You can do a nice, respectful, and loving ceremony without all the bells and whistles. I would tell your sisters that if they are so insistent, then they can pay for it." ~ Senior_Reaction2974
"I have never understood why someone insists on this type of funeral. My Mom says 'I’ll be dead, why would I care, do whatever you want'."
"We will honor her, of course, but I totally agree with her (and you and your brother). That is a ridiculous amount of money." ~ gato-afortunado
"I told my daughters to donate my body to science. It’s free, it helps form new doctors, and they can do whatever memorial they wish to do or nothing at all." ~ Terrible_Bad7998
"My mom is a nurse and decided years ago that she wants to donate her body. My sister was so upset, and my mom told her that if she had a problem with it, she's not getting a f*cking penny from her. I laughed my a** off at that, because she's the golden child. The one time my mom shut her down that I've ever seen in my life." ~ Pizzaisbae13
"I actually want to decay to return to the earth. People entombing corpses in mausoleums make no sense to me...why are we afraid of the decomposition? The person has died, there's no bringing them back from here. Slowing the process doesn't stop it." ~ Hyzenthlay87
"Oh, I remember when my dad died I always thought all my brothers and sisters put their money in, but it happened to be me and my older sister and the other 3 did nothing but took credit for it. I told them me and my sister are not putting money in when mom dies—they can pay for it all. I feel bad, but they all make good money." ~ Positive-Pack-396
"I was the opposite. My dad said the three of us kids needed to pitch in for mom’s headstone because he couldn’t afford it all. We said fine."
"Fast forward two years, mom still has no headstone, so I started the leg work, priced things out, sent the proofs to my two brothers and Dad so they couldn’t say they didn’t get to have a say, they said all good, looks great."
"I order and pay for it(over $3000), send the invoice in the group chat and let them know when it was installed.They all loved it as it turned out very well…that was 18 years ago, and I have still not received a penny, not even from Dad."
"When my Dad died, I absolutely refused to put any money towards anything for him as I felt I had already done my part." ~ sistaneets
"My dad died when I was a child. His estate went to myself and my sister. From his estate, we had to pay for his funeral. Bear in mind this is 1991 dollars; our Grandparents were in charge of planning the funeral, and spent our estate money on 8 burial plots, a headstone with 8 names on it (grandma, grandpa, dad, aunt+husband, uncle+wife, aunt)."
"Plus service and other funeral expenses. The headstone alone cost 12k. The entire thing cost around 40k, which came right out of two children’s inheritance."
"My grandpa was a multimillionaire who spent his grandkid’s inheritance on a tombstone for himself. And they wonder why my sister and I don’t come to family gatherings anymore." ~ Heronymous-Anonymous
"The broke sibs can put the ashes in a nice urn and then save up until they can pay for it! It’s not like the mausoleum won’t take their money in the future!" ~ CollinZero
"Ridiculous! You can buy a nice, USEFUL car or truck for $45,000 instead of throwing it away on someone's impractical, expensive mausoleum whim. If she were a Rockefeller, this would be a different story." ~ mikeinanaheim2
"Tell this to your siblings who have no money but are free to spend yours: 'We were thinking of spending the money to honor Mom’s wishes, but then we thought maybe we would just give you the money instead'."
"THEN see how adamant they are to fulfill Mom’s dreams." ~ SPFTguy
"NTA - first of all, I’m sorry for your impending loss. But no, you don’t get to plan the mega bucks funeral when you have no bucks and expect other people to pick up the cost." ~ grey-green-eyes
"Cremation is pretty inexpensive if you deal directly with the crematorium instead of a funeral home. Last time I looked it was less than $1000."
"Renting a community center, buying some flowers, and getting an economical lunch spread might cost another $1000-$3000 depending on how many people you want to invite and how fancy you want to be."
"Definitely not the cheapest thing in the world, but a far cry from the $45,000 OP's sister is talking about." ~ Wild-Policy5625
"I told my kids, and it is in my will, that they are to spend the absolute minimum on my funeral. I told them every dollar they spend is a dollar less they will inherit." ~ No-To-Newspeak
"NTA. If your Mom doesn’t have enough money for this kind of funeral, she won‘t have such a funeral. She can not demand that kind of funeral from her kids."
"Refusing this is not selfish it is common sense. 45k for a funeral? Nope."
"Let her go in peace and then have a decent funeral, but not this expensive one." ~ BerneDoodleLover24
"The funeral is not for her. She's dead. It's for those she leaves behind, and if they don't want their lasting memories of her to be that of massive financial burden, they should not feel obliged to make it so." ~ AutisticPenguin2
"I tell my family if they don't go the cheapest all the way, I'm coming back to haunt them. I also often say if it was legal, I'd be fine with a rock tied around my foot and being thrown into the nearest deep body of water." ~ Tcatgirl68
"I can't imagine expecting my loved ones to spend that much on my rotting corpse. ~ JudgeJuryEx78
Funerals aren't like weddings.
The person being celebrated isn't being affected by whatever arrangements are made.
If a person wants an elaborate funeral but has no means to pay for it, then they need to find a less expensive option or leave their final disposition up to the people who do have the means to pay for their burial or cremation.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp