Death is expensive. Isn’t that one of the most tragic parts of life?
One would think that financially speaking, death will give people a break.
But funerals are a billion-dollar business.
That’s why, much like a wedding, the people at the center of the event can’t always get what they want.
And that fact doesn’t always go over well with everybody.
Case in point…
Redditor Pitiful-Gur-2524 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
“AITA for not telling anyone what my mother wanted at her funeral, as it would have been so expensive?”
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
“My mother wanted a very particular funeral and only communicated this with me.”
“When she passed, I didn’t share her wishes with her partner as they were very extravagant, and I knew he would want to do all of it.”
“We planned a beautiful funeral for her, but it wasn’t exactly as she had described to me, and a few features were missed out.”
“This was months ago, but I recently accidentally told him in conversation that she had told me she wanted something at her funeral.”
“Something that he was unaware of at the time and something that we didn’t do for her.”
“He blew up in a rage and has said my mother must be turning in her grave to know that I didn’t act upon her wishes and do what she had asked.”
“He is livid with me for withholding this information from him and hasn’t spoken to me since.”
“She had a beautiful ceremony, and I’m upset that he is no longer speaking to me about this.”
The OP was left to wonder:
“AITA here?”
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole, but some people felt differently.
“NTA. In my honest opinion, If your mother had truly wanted such an extravagant funeral, she would have…”
“(1) discussed it with her partner and…”
“(2) she would have prepaid for it.” ~ NanaLeonie
“This is not really about the request for the funeral.”
“It’s about the mother’s partner processing his grief, and it’s always going to bother him that he didn’t do the thing that she wanted at her funeral.”
“As soon as OP decided not to tell anyone then they should have forgotten all about it and never mentioned it ever again, you don’t bring it up a couple of months later and open that wound.” ~ Panixs
“Or it could be that the mother wanted the daughter to arrange the funeral to ease the burden on her partner.”
“Both my parents are elderly, and they expect us kids to arrange their end of life, rather than each other… given that OP’s brother has been cut out of the will (from other comments).”
“OP may be the only one the mother can rely on, assuming her partner is elderly.” ~ conh3
“Sometimes you’re also left wondering if they meant that comment or if it was said in jest.”
“Because we really weren’t sure when it came time to bury one relative.”
“There were a couple of instances of her saying this would be nice, but we were kinda all left guessing.”
“NTA OP – it’s always best to plan this with your partner; I’m surprised it wasn’t ever mentioned to him, even in passing.” ~ ilovechairs
“YTA. It wasn’t solely your decision to make, but you overrode your mother’s partner’s wishes and the wishes of your dying mother— all because you thought you knew best.”
“Then, you go and tell her partner about what you did.”
“I wouldn’t talk to you either. YTA.” ~ Wish_Many
“I think YTA for disclosing this.”
“Either come clean with the partner and disclose the funeral and let him decide whether to do it or not, or keep the secret and let him think he honored her wishes.”
“Instead, OP deliberately withheld this important information until such time as it couldn’t be used, then couldn’t keep her mouth shut and told him anyway.”
“So now he feels terrible that he didn’t do right by his partner, and there’s nothing he can do about it.”
“There’s literally nothing that OP can do or that partner can do that will ever make him feel the same as he was the day before. OP messed up.” ~ ErikLovemonger
“YTA for not keeping their mouth shut, though.”
“OP made a unilateral decision to keep this information from his mother’s partner.”
“Maybe they were right.”
“But they KNEW the partner would have wanted to honor those wishes.”
“The funeral is long over, and nothing can be done to change it now, so what reason other than carelessness for this person’s feelings and mental well-being would make them think it’s ok to speak up at this point!?”
“Cruel or crass. No other options. YTA.” ~ Irishwol
“Agreed. There’s a debate to be had about whether it is possible to be an AH to a dead person, but OP was clearly an AH to her living partner, which is the relevant bit.”
“‘AITA for telling someone something that I knew would hurt them and which I didn’t have to’ is pretty easy to resolve.” ~ TheVerboseBeaver
“NTA- funerals are for the living.”
“There are many things you can do to respect your parents, but draining your bank account to do it isn’t one of them.”
“If your mother truly wanted a funeral like that, she should’ve put money aside for it.” ~ rebootsaresuchapain
“Mother left a very large inheritance to the OP, who decided not to follow her wishes or share them with the mother’s partner. look at their other post.”
“So it was totally within their means to pay and follow Mother’s wishes especially if they were sharing the cost with the mother’s partner.”
“They are totally the a**hole.” ~ Etiacruelworld
“YTA. If you were going to withhold that information from her partner, then you better make sure you don’t share it months after the fact.”
“Regardless of whether it was right or wrong to withhold your mother’s wishes at the outset (I personally don’t have an issue with not sharing, but others may disagree), you were definitely an AH for sharing it after the fact when nothing could be changed.” ~ GopherDog22
“Going to go with NTA, because, given the partner’s reaction, it doesn’t sound like they would have compromised or accepted it without a fight if you insisted they pay for the pricier items.”
“If your mother wanted these things she should have told everyone and have put aside money for it.”
“No one should have to leverage their financial future for a funeral.” ~ Laines_Ecossaises
“ESH. Mostly, your mom was in the wrong since…”
“1: She should’ve told her partner about them…”
“2: If she HAD to have expensive, extravagant stuff at her funeral, she could have gotten insurance or at least made sure you and the partner had the money for that.”
“You should have probably told the partner since he might have been willing to pay for the extra stuff/the two of you could’ve discussed which wishes you would’ve fulfilled at the funeral and which would have been too expensive.”
“But I understand why you would have kept it if from him if he wasn’t able to pay either.” ~ clumsybartender
“Very mild YTA.”
“I don’t think you should withhold information to protect someone from themselves, and I don’t blame him for being upset.”
“Funerals are for the living, not the dead, but I’m sympathetic that he’s now learning he missed the chance to make it as she would have wanted.”
“I also think that there is a possibility that if more people had known, they could have helped make a version of the event she wanted.”
“Totally appreciate that you were trying to be considerate and keep someone from getting over their head, feeling obligated to do more than they could, or facing this difficult choice while grieving but again, he is an adult and you abused your power to withhold that information.” ~ owls_and_cardinals
“NTA. He can get over it, or not.”
“But, truth is, he isn’t angry with you. He’s upset that she did not confide it to him.”
“I am sorry for your loss.”
“Truly. However, consider that what he said was a projection designed to wound and had nothing to do with you or your mother.”
“She isn’t spinning in her grave.”
“No one does. It’s just a worn expression.”
“FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING, as they say.”
“The deceased do not participate so much as they are honored, and we who remain get some consolation.”
“So, your mom isn’t disappointed, upset, angry, or anything else at the choices you made to celebrate her life during her funeral.”
“If she had wanted to tell her partner the things she spoke to you about, she could have.”
“She withheld from him. And so what?”
‘That was her right to do for whatever her reasons were.”
“She put her trust elsewhere.”
“That’s what he’s foaming at the mouth about.” ~ AndSoItGoes24
“YTA for not telling us what she wanted.”
“Can’t really give an honest answer if you’re being secretive about her requests.” ~Wide-Hunter30
Well, OP, Reddit is a bit all over the map here.
You made a decision you felt was right.
How everyone else feels is their business.
Hopefully, as a family, you can all come together and get past this.