Death is expensive. Isn't that one of the most tragic parts of life?
One would think that financially speaking, death will give people a break.
But funerals are a billion-dollar business.
That's why, much like a wedding, the people at the center of the event can't always get what they want.
And that fact doesn't always go over well with everybody.
Case in point...
Redditor Pitiful-Gur-2524 wanted to discuss their experience and get some feedback. So naturally, they came to visit the "Am I The A**hole" (AITA) subReddit.
They asked:
"AITA for not telling anyone what my mother wanted at her funeral, as it would have been so expensive?"
The Original Poster (OP) explained:
"My mother wanted a very particular funeral and only communicated this with me."
"When she passed, I didn't share her wishes with her partner as they were very extravagant, and I knew he would want to do all of it."
"We planned a beautiful funeral for her, but it wasn't exactly as she had described to me, and a few features were missed out."
"This was months ago, but I recently accidentally told him in conversation that she had told me she wanted something at her funeral."
"Something that he was unaware of at the time and something that we didn't do for her."
"He blew up in a rage and has said my mother must be turning in her grave to know that I didn't act upon her wishes and do what she had asked."
"He is livid with me for withholding this information from him and hasn't spoken to me since."
"She had a beautiful ceremony, and I'm upset that he is no longer speaking to me about this."
The OP was left to wonder:
"AITA here?"
Redditors shared their thoughts on this matter and weighed some options to the question AITA:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
Many Redditors declared OP was NOT the A**hole, but some people felt differently.
"NTA. In my honest opinion, If your mother had truly wanted such an extravagant funeral, she would have..."
"(1) discussed it with her partner and..."
"(2) she would have prepaid for it." ~ NanaLeonie
"This is not really about the request for the funeral."
"It's about the mother's partner processing his grief, and it's always going to bother him that he didn't do the thing that she wanted at her funeral."
"As soon as OP decided not to tell anyone then they should have forgotten all about it and never mentioned it ever again, you don't bring it up a couple of months later and open that wound." ~ Panixs
"Or it could be that the mother wanted the daughter to arrange the funeral to ease the burden on her partner."
"Both my parents are elderly, and they expect us kids to arrange their end of life, rather than each other… given that OP's brother has been cut out of the will (from other comments)."
"OP may be the only one the mother can rely on, assuming her partner is elderly." ~ conh3
"Sometimes you're also left wondering if they meant that comment or if it was said in jest."
"Because we really weren't sure when it came time to bury one relative."
"There were a couple of instances of her saying this would be nice, but we were kinda all left guessing."
"NTA OP - it's always best to plan this with your partner; I'm surprised it wasn't ever mentioned to him, even in passing." ~ ilovechairs
"YTA. It wasn't solely your decision to make, but you overrode your mother's partner's wishes and the wishes of your dying mother— all because you thought you knew best."
"Then, you go and tell her partner about what you did."
"I wouldn't talk to you either. YTA." ~ Wish_Many
"I think YTA for disclosing this."
"Either come clean with the partner and disclose the funeral and let him decide whether to do it or not, or keep the secret and let him think he honored her wishes."
"Instead, OP deliberately withheld this important information until such time as it couldn't be used, then couldn't keep her mouth shut and told him anyway."
"So now he feels terrible that he didn't do right by his partner, and there's nothing he can do about it."
"There's literally nothing that OP can do or that partner can do that will ever make him feel the same as he was the day before. OP messed up." ~ ErikLovemonger
"YTA for not keeping their mouth shut, though."
"OP made a unilateral decision to keep this information from his mother's partner."
"Maybe they were right."
"But they KNEW the partner would have wanted to honor those wishes."
"The funeral is long over, and nothing can be done to change it now, so what reason other than carelessness for this person's feelings and mental well-being would make them think it's ok to speak up at this point!?"
"Cruel or crass. No other options. YTA." ~ Irishwol
"Agreed. There's a debate to be had about whether it is possible to be an AH to a dead person, but OP was clearly an AH to her living partner, which is the relevant bit."
"'AITA for telling someone something that I knew would hurt them and which I didn't have to' is pretty easy to resolve." ~ TheVerboseBeaver
"NTA- funerals are for the living."
"There are many things you can do to respect your parents, but draining your bank account to do it isn't one of them."
"If your mother truly wanted a funeral like that, she should've put money aside for it." ~ rebootsaresuchapain
"Mother left a very large inheritance to the OP, who decided not to follow her wishes or share them with the mother's partner. look at their other post."
"So it was totally within their means to pay and follow Mother's wishes especially if they were sharing the cost with the mother's partner."
"They are totally the a**hole." ~ Etiacruelworld
"YTA. If you were going to withhold that information from her partner, then you better make sure you don't share it months after the fact."
"Regardless of whether it was right or wrong to withhold your mother's wishes at the outset (I personally don't have an issue with not sharing, but others may disagree), you were definitely an AH for sharing it after the fact when nothing could be changed." ~ GopherDog22
"Going to go with NTA, because, given the partner's reaction, it doesn't sound like they would have compromised or accepted it without a fight if you insisted they pay for the pricier items."
"If your mother wanted these things she should have told everyone and have put aside money for it."
"No one should have to leverage their financial future for a funeral." ~ Laines_Ecossaises
"ESH. Mostly, your mom was in the wrong since..."
"1: She should've told her partner about them..."
"2: If she HAD to have expensive, extravagant stuff at her funeral, she could have gotten insurance or at least made sure you and the partner had the money for that."
"You should have probably told the partner since he might have been willing to pay for the extra stuff/the two of you could've discussed which wishes you would've fulfilled at the funeral and which would have been too expensive."
"But I understand why you would have kept it if from him if he wasn't able to pay either." ~ clumsybartender
"Very mild YTA."
"I don't think you should withhold information to protect someone from themselves, and I don't blame him for being upset."
"Funerals are for the living, not the dead, but I'm sympathetic that he's now learning he missed the chance to make it as she would have wanted."
"I also think that there is a possibility that if more people had known, they could have helped make a version of the event she wanted."
"Totally appreciate that you were trying to be considerate and keep someone from getting over their head, feeling obligated to do more than they could, or facing this difficult choice while grieving but again, he is an adult and you abused your power to withhold that information." ~ owls_and_cardinals
"NTA. He can get over it, or not."
"But, truth is, he isn't angry with you. He's upset that she did not confide it to him."
"I am sorry for your loss."
"Truly. However, consider that what he said was a projection designed to wound and had nothing to do with you or your mother."
"She isn't spinning in her grave."
"No one does. It's just a worn expression."
"FUNERALS ARE FOR THE LIVING, as they say."
"The deceased do not participate so much as they are honored, and we who remain get some consolation."
"So, your mom isn't disappointed, upset, angry, or anything else at the choices you made to celebrate her life during her funeral."
"If she had wanted to tell her partner the things she spoke to you about, she could have."
"She withheld from him. And so what?"
'That was her right to do for whatever her reasons were."
"She put her trust elsewhere."
"That's what he's foaming at the mouth about." ~ AndSoItGoes24
"YTA for not telling us what she wanted."
"Can't really give an honest answer if you're being secretive about her requests." ~Wide-Hunter30
Well, OP, Reddit is a bit all over the map here.
You made a decision you felt was right.
How everyone else feels is their business.
Hopefully, as a family, you can all come together and get past this.
Woman Asks If It's Wrong To Hold Grudge After Mom Told Her When She 8 Years Old That She Wished She'd Aborted Her
While some people view having and raising children as the greatest blessing, some parents hold their children's existence against them for their entire lives.
And when they feel that way about their children, they're unfortunately typically pretty honest about it, cringed the members of the "Am I Overreacting?" (AIO) subReddit.
Redditor heavelymango knew from the time she was young that her mother did not really like her and significantly favored her sister.
But when her mother told her at the age of eight that she wished she had aborted her, the Original Poster (OP) held on to that grudge for years after the fact.
She asked the sub:
The OP had a grudge against her mother.
"I (22 Female) have been holding onto a grudge due to something my mom told me when I was roughly eight or nine years old."
"Growing up, I was a rebellious kid and always felt as if my mom favored my older sister. My sister would always get whatever she wanted."
"I know she was born with Down syndrome and always needed more attention and care, but if my sister wanted my tablet, for example, she would have it for the whole day while mine was limited to 30 minutes so she could have it."
"As a kid, I lashed out more because of this. She could take all of my things, but I could never use hers."
During a heated moment, the OP's mother said something unforgivable.
"Eventually, this led to an argument with my mom. I don't recall the whole thing, but it was related to my sister and how I felt my mom didn't care about me or give me the same amount of attention."
"The fight got heated, and I probably told my mom that I hated my sister and her."
"I remember she said back, 'I never wanted you from the start. I knew I should've aborted you when I had the chance.'"
" I didn't know what aborted meant at the time, and I remember I looked it up, and it made me cry. I never forgot it, and it lingers in my mind whenever I am home."
The OP's mother pressured her to "let it go" and move on.
"Even growing up, I still brought it up, and she would get mad, saying I need to let it go and how I'm stubborn for not just forgetting what she said."
"There was even a time in high school when she took me to a therapist, and she complained about how I never dropped what she said."
"She says I need to move on from it because it has affected my relationship with her, and she wants to fix it."
"I know I'm older now and it was so long ago, but it still hurts, and I feel like it's made me not want to have her in my life in the future, and I have told this to her."
"How I don't want her in my life once I move out, get married, or have my own kids."
Fellow Redditors weighed in:
Some reassured the OP that this sounded like a core memory more than a grudge.
"The axe forgets. The tree remembers."
"It sounds less like you're holding a grudge and more that this is a formative, core memory for you."
"It won't stop being a core memory (unless maybe with the help of a lot of therapy). Has your mom ever apologized for saying that? Because you don't have to forget to forgive, but if she's not remorseful for saying that terrible thing to her young child (not just remorseful that you remember it), then she probably needs therapy (or is a narcissist/sociopath/similar)."
"You are certainly not obligated to 'get over it.'" - Hot-Can3615
"This is not a 'grudge'; it is pain that is still felt to such a degree. If she said it, then she was thinking it. She'll probably never apologize, but that doesn't mean your pain is or was invalid." - Fast_Register_9480
"NOR. This kind of thing needs a real apology. Like she needs to acknowledge the damage and genuinely care about it. Brushing it off won’t make it go away." - TentacleWolverine
"NOR. Did she really want to fix things? She basically just told you to get over it from the start instead of giving you a sincere apology."
"That isn't working on anything. She wants you to get over it so she can pretend that she never said it, so she doesn't have to feel bad about what she did. It doesn't sound like she cares much about how you feel."
"She just doesn't want to deal with it. For that reason, I would still have issues with what she said." - Chemical-Ad6809
"If your relationship with your mother is being affected by the actions of your mother, your mother is responsible for fixing it."
"You should know you probably aren't ever going to get closure, but you don't have to swallow it down. It helps to be the person you needed when you were younger out loud to yourself, but especially to others."
"For example: My name is Liz, and my mom told me to go ahead and do it already and save us all the heartache when I finally had the courage to tell her about how much I've been struggling with self-harm and suicidal ideation. I'm never going to forgive her for that, and we have never been close as a result of her actions."
"You aren't holding onto a grudge; you have a core memory of your mother distilling her feelings into a world-shattering sentence."
"You did not have a secure attachment before and can't have one now because of the deep trauma. You do not apologize for being stabbed."
"Find another therapist. I mean it. Someone who cares about your well-being wouldn't force you to apologize for being verbally abused as a child. I'm 29 now, and I lived through it. I still struggle with suicidal ideation daily, but once I stopped relying on my mom and unstable sources for support, my life got better immediately."
"You want things for comfort and familiarity. Don't let your mom or your therapist gaslight you into crossing a boundary."
"It might help to ask for a written five-part apology from your mom. 1. Acknowledge what you did 2. Say why it was wrong 3. Promise not to do it again 4. Ask how to make amends. 5. Share your feelings at this time if there's anything you'd like to say."
"My mom can be a good person and a bad mom and role model. Being in your own company is so much better than poor company." - PotLuckyPodcast
Others hoped the OP would go no contact with her mother sooner rather than later.
"NOR. It’s emotional abuse. And you do not owe her closeness after that, especially as she refuses to be accountable for that and try to make it up to you."
"She knows you have her number, and she can’t forgive you for knowing what a colloidal b***h she is."
"It’s unlikely that will change; it will at least be turned back on you with her the victim."
"Stop expecting her to apologize. If she doesn’t pay your bills, ghost her." - SnooCheesecakes2723
"My mom said something similar. My brother and I were adopted, and when I was a teen, in front of a church lady, she said, 'We didn't even really want you, but the people didn't want to split y'all up, so we just took you, too.'"
"Me and the church lady were shook. When I say my falbbers were ghasted. Like huh? She didn't remember saying that when I brought it up years after the fact."
"I also got grounded two times for two separate nine weeks (for C's on my report card) and a three and a half to four months (for smoking at 16 and getting caught because she liked to just pop up out of nowhere), and we just had a talk about that, and she didn't even remember."
"She said, 'No, I didn't. I never grounded you for that long,' and when I gave my rebuttal, she said, 'Well, if I did, it definitely wasn't for no nine weeks or months,' and this started because she was praising me for reading so much and liking books. I said, 'Well, when you were grounded like me, that's all I could do (no TV, no friends outside of school, no music, nothing but my room and books)."
"There's a reason I only call or answer her calls once or twice every few weeks. And I only call to get food, really..." - ManicalMoe
"‘Fine, I'm sorry’ is not an apology."
"Whilst I’m sure it was said in anger, most things said in anger have a grain of truth. There are also some things that no half-decent parent ever says to their children, no matter how angry they are, and this is one of them! It also sounds like she has made repeated similar comments of not wanting you as her child."
"I understand her eldest had a disability, but this is no excuse for neglecting and emotionally abusing her younger child. Lots of families deal with a child with additional needs whilst still managing to prioritise their other kids. Children with Down syndrome are capable of understanding ‘that’s your sister's, not yours; give it back’ !! It sounds like your mum has mental health issues?"
"Do you have a present father or other family you can turn to?"
"Protect your peace. Your mum has hurt you time and time again, honestly, for no real gain other than momentarily satisfying her anger. You owe this woman nothing." - Background_Term9810
"I went through something similar. When I was a little girl, my mother used to make comments that implied she didn't want me, though it was never that explicit. 'I only had you because your brother wanted a sister,' and 'My figure never recovered after you; after your brother, it did.'"
"Each comment stayed with me, but I never addressed it with her. I tried to move on and leave it in the past. She did a lot of horrible things throughout my life, but her behavior was always ignored because that's the precedent my dad set, where she can do essentially whatever she wants."
"A few months ago, she came to see me because I was desperate for help and sick. Instead of helping, she made my life so much worse. I won't go into details. At one point, I could no longer keep it inside, and I told her that she is a narcissist, to which she responded with, 'It would have been better if I had never had you.'"
"In some ways, it felt really good to hear her come out and say it. It felt good to hear the truth I've always known."
"I don't know what you should do, but I've chosen to not forgive."
"Every time I forgave, I just let her know that she can get away with whatever horrible things she had done. Her apologies were never real apologies. She always found ways to blame me or others for whatever she had done."
"And I'm truly just done with it. As sad as it is to not have a mom, it's sadder to pretend that you have one when in reality you don't... quite the opposite, if anything." - Neos_Mom
"So, OP, what will hurt more: keeping her and the grudge in your life or making a break and going low or no contact with her?"
"Frankly, we've no idea of what she might have been dealing with at the time, but regardless, what she said was said only to cause pain and suffering. 'Sorry' doesn't magic that intent away."
"Me, I think spending time alone or with friends or in therapy away from her might be what you need here. You might come to some sort of acceptance, but if this is something that's just going to keep coming between you, then stop trying to have that relationship." - Tal_Tos_72
After the OP received feedback, she shared a few clarifications from her original post.
"I wanted to clear some things up, take accountability where it's due, and provide some much-needed context from many people commenting the same questions."
"I want to be completely honest. We had many arguments, and I was a rebellious kid. I acted out and argued with my mom."
"I don't want to give off the impression that I was an entirely innocent kid who never did anything wrong and my mom just snapped out of nowhere. We both said hateful and hurtful things to each other during our fights."
"Growing up, the only way she would accept an apology was if I got on my knees and begged her for forgiveness. If I ever asked her to apologize to me, she would say, 'I have nothing to apologize for; you should be the one begging for my forgiveness.'"
The OP had a lot of physical memories, too.
"Things also would turn into physical arguments, not just verbal ones."
"There were times when she would get so angry she would get physical. Like yanking me by my hair, twisting my arms, or throwing things at me (like remotes, a bug spray can, or a radio)."
"When she yanked my hair, I would fight back just to get her to let me go, and she would scream that I was trying to kill her and she would get me arrested. When she twisted my arm, and I begged her to stop because it felt like it was going to break, she would say she hoped it did."
"When she threw objects at me, she would say she wished they would hit my face."
"I remember in middle school, during an argument, she said she wished she could break my face and that she hated it because I look like my dad. I won’t lie, whenever she said things like that, I would say nasty comments about how she chose to have him put us in her."
While the OP wasn't financially ready to move out yet, she hoped to as soon as possible.
"Why haven't I moved out yet? The main reason I haven't been able to move out is financial."
"I wasn't making enough to support myself without worrying about whether I’d end up having to crawl back home."
"Thankfully, I have recently found a better-paying job. My plan is to move out between mid-to-late October, or early November at the latest."
"The only reason I can't leave this exact second is because I have a few legal/administrative things to get cleared up so I’m completely untied from my mom, which will take a few weeks."
The OP also had proof that her mother liked her sister better.
"Has my mom ever admitted to favoring my sister? Yes."
"In arguments, she has explicitly told me that she doesn't see me as her legitimate daughter, and that she adored my sister more and forever will. She has also called me a 'monster,' told me there is a certain type of evil inside of me, and said she was afraid I would be just like my dad and try to harm them."
"She would even tell me that she was telling family and friends these things about me, but then later claim she 'just said it in the moment' and wouldn't be crazy enough to actually tell people that."
"Because I was so confused growing up and didn't know if she was lying or telling the truth, I started avoiding our family when they came over."
"Naturally, that just made things worse because she would get mad at me for avoiding them (even now as an adult), completely ignoring the fact that she was the one who lied about what she told them."
Unfortunately, the OP didn't have support from her father.
"What about my dad? My dad is not in my life."
"He was around sporadically, but never as a stable parent. My parents separated before I was born and divorced when I was two or three."
"Growing up, it was just constant back-and-forth toxicity, with him telling me how toxic my mother was, and her telling me the same about him."
"He would mostly only come over to see my sister, and often used me to care for her if he wanted to take her out to eat. Ultimately, my dad didn't care about anyone else other than my sister (and his drugs)."
"I hope this can clear some questions on the original post. I know I didn't provide many details as I originally should have. I honestly didn't want to post something too long, and I honestly did not expect it to be noticed."
"Thank you all for taking time to talk to me and share your thoughts."
The subReddit fully sided with the OP, pointing out that no matter how heated the moment was, it would never excuse the terrible things the OP's mother had said to her.
If the OP's mother really wanted a relationship with her, she'd drop the defensiveness and demands, offer a genuine apology, and work hard to be better for both of her children.
That takes a very rare kind of person to pull off, and it didn't sound like the OP's mother had that in her.
If you or someone you know is struggling, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988.
To find help outside the United States, the International Association for Suicide Prevention has resources available at https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp