Most young kids lack coping mechanisms and perspective.
So some minor inconvenience or hearing the word “no” can lead to a major tantrum.
What’s the best strategy for dealing with this?
Well, it’s certainly not joining their tantrum to order everyone else on the planet to cater to their demands.
A BBQ guest dealing with a mother who struggles with the word “no” turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Traditional_Apple256 asked:
“AITA for refusing to give a donut to a kid at a party?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“I can’t believe I am posting this, but here we are. I have a mixed group of friends, and some are saying I was wrong, so I decided to let Reddit decide.”
“My husband and I were invited to a birthday party. We asked if we could bring anything and the host said not needed, but we could if we wanted to.”
“Since I don’t like showing up empty-handed anywhere, I thought it would be nice to purchase some boutique donuts from an artisanal donut shop near us. We got a bunch of donuts and one gluten-free donut for my husband, who can’t have gluten.”
“Not celiac, obviously; it’s a wheat intolerance. If he has any gluten, his stomach will be a mess for a few days. No one else at the party has any gluten issues—we know these people fairly well.”
“We got to the party and set the donuts down.”
“Immediately this kid—around 7 or 8 years-old—and his mom decided to come on over because in her words ‘these are the best donuts in town! Wow! Thank you for bringing them!’.”
“I open up the boxes, and immediately, the kid throws his hands on the gluten-free one. I kindly said ‘Oh, sorry, I am saving that one for my husband—he can’t have gluten’.”
“I picked the donut out and set it aside, and proceeded to tell him all the other wonderful flavors that I got. Cookies and cream, Nutella, it was donuts galore.”
“The kid? He immediately started crying because he wanted the one I took away, and his mom proceeded to begin tearing into me and yelling at me for not just giving him the donut.”
“‘He is just a kid!’ I was stunned and I immediately just left the situation, went outside with my husband’s donut and gave it to him.”
“I was mortified. My husband should eat gluten and sit on the crapper for days with diarrhea or go without when we bought the donuts?”
“I thought she would calm down, but NOO!”
“This lady proceeds to go outside and make a scene about it. A big argument ensued about how I refused her kid a donut.”
“It was comical at this point. I calmly stated my point again, that this donut was for my husband, who is gluten-free, and I know no one there has an issue with gluten, so her child could have one of the others.”
“This lady wouldn’t let it go, so here is where I might be the a**hole. At this point I am sick of her entitlement, so I told her just that.”
“She is an entitled little brat, and now I know where her kid gets it from. She starts crying, making a scene, and leaves the party.”
“The host and everyone there is just mortified and then tell me I should have just handed the kid the donut. My husband sticks up for me and we decided to leave early.”
The OP added:
“The host and I are good friends; it was her husband’s birthday party. I am using the word party loosely—it was a BBQ outside, very informal.”
“I knew most of the guests. The mother and child live in the neighborhood. I’ve met them once.”
“Not everyone turned on me—most were mortified by her behavior. In the end, some said I should have just given the kid the donut to pacify her, but they agreed she went over the top.”
“Honestly, I never dreamed it would escalate to what happened. Makes me wonder if she was having a horrible day, but still you shouldn’t make people pay for your bad days.”
The OP summed up their situation.
“I refused a donut to a kid and then called his mom out on her behavior. I might be an a**hole because it was just a kid.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“Where’s the lie?”
“She IS an entitled brat, and so is her kid. Apple, tree.”
“Why is she an entitled brat? Because people like your ‘friends’ enable her a$$holery. NTA.”
“She’s just upset because you didn’t give in to her or her crotch goblin’s tantrums. It’s probably one of the first times someone told them ‘no’ then refused to back down.” ~ LakotaGrl
“NTA. I think you handled the situation as best as you could. Kids take after their parents, and it sounds like they’re an entitled family.”
“Their lack of empathy is pathetic, and honestly, it’s sad that she’s being such a bad role model for her kid. Maybe she was going through something, but no adult with decent manners and respect for others would give that much of a sh*t about a donut.”
“Discipline your kid and move on. Maybe the ONLY thing to do differently would’ve been to just keep the donut separate from the beginning, but again you already went out of your way to bring something so it really shouldn’t matter.”
“People are so entitled nowadays it’s f*cking ridiculous. Hope your husband enjoyed his donut.” ~ Notyouraveragejew1
“Right? It’s one thing for a kid to have an unreasonable attachment to the one donut they can’t have and cry about it. Even kids who are generally well-behaved and reasonable have their moments of being totally absurd.”
“But it’s pretty bizarre for an adult to be like ‘YEA! I agree with my child’s madness!’.” ~ Salty-Alternate
“I don’t at all understand how a fully grown woman heard the explanation of the gluten-free doughnut belonging to the OP’s husband and was like, ‘yeah, no. Your husband can just go eat a regular doughnut and suffer because my little precious wants a doughnut he’s probably going to take one bite of, spit out, and complain about tasting funny’.” ~ Little_Elk_2371
“NTA. Damn, that sounded exhausting.”
“The mom could have easily said, ‘Oh, honey, that is made special for people with a gluten allergy. It won’t taste like the donuts you love from ____ shop. Oh, look! Here’s one of the flavor you always LOVE! Let’s say thank you and go eat it over here’.”
“But nooooooo, the kid and then the mom had to immediately throw a fit, making a minor thing into a giant thing.”
“Everyone there must have been bored with nothing else to talk about or entertain themselves with since people seemed to prefer the insanity to just nipping it in the bud.”
“Should have taken the rest of the donuts with you when you left, my gosh.” ~ fallingintopolkadots
“NTA. You did the right thing. That woman needs to learn to put her foot down to her child. Her kid acted massively entitled and just obnoxious, and so did she for ‘fighting this battle’ for him.”
“Everyone is going to have to learn to accept ‘no’ at some point in their life. I guess mum never learned this lesson and she’s refusing to teach it to her kid. Good on you for standing up for your partner’s medical/dietary need/choice.”
“I am vegan. If I bring several treat items to a party and not all of it is vegan, of course I’d set the vegan stuff aside to ensure there will be something for me to eat.”
“Years ago, when I was vegetarian, a coworker was so kind to cook a warm lunch for our department. She knew me and one or two others were vegetarian so she’d made a smaller batch of a vegetarian version of the meat meal she prepared.”
“I was so appalled when one of our senior staff started digging into the vegetarian pan when he is not vegetarian and could see that there was a lot less vegetarian food than meat-containing food. Like, dude, this food isn’t for you.”
“Let the vegetarians get their fill, and only if there’s anything left after all the vegetarians have had enough should you help yourself to the vegetarian food—or you should have told the cook beforehand you wanted vegetarian food so she could have made more.”
“Some people just don’t get it. This is why at the conferences I’ve been to, they keep the vegan meals aside/at the back so that others don’t decide ‘oh, this looks good, I’ll take it’ or ‘sure, I’ll try vegan food for a change’.”
“If they don’t keep the food at the back/separate, the ‘special’ food would end up being gone before the intended people have had a chance to get anything.” ~ almalauha
Her son may have been just a 7 – 8-year-old kid, but he was literally demanding OP take food out of their husband’s mouth.
If his mom didn’t think that was a good teachable moment for her child, good luck to everyone who has to tolerate him.