Infidelity in a relationship rarely ends well. When children are involved, it gets particularly contentious.
Infidelity, to me, is when one or both partners conceal romantic or sexual relationships with people other than their current partner(s)—consentual polyamory is a valid option to monogamy.
Polyamory is not infidelity, because all parties are open, honest and have consented to the relationship dynamic.
Quick side note on consentual versus consensual: the latter is the more recognized and older term, while the former was initially used only in legal writing. However consentual—giving full agreement—has become more popular than consensual—negotiated compromise or a consensus—when referring to relationships.
You negotiate and compromise on dinner plans, not on your bodily autonomy. You’re indirectly having sex with whoever your partner is having sex with, so it should be a yes or a no.
People who try to claim their cheating is really polyamory are just adding more lies to avoid responsibility for their prior dishonesty.
Monogamy isn’t for everyone, but neither is polyamory.
If you’re unhappy or unfulfilled or just want to have sex with a bunch of different people, don’t get married to someone who wants strict monogamy, because you aren’t compatible. If you are married, ask for your partner’s consent to have sex or romantic relationships with other people and/or get a divorce—before you start those new relationships.
But some people…
A 16-year-old dealing with fallout from her father’s infidelity turned to the “Am I The A**hole” (AITA) subReddit for feedback.
Defiant-Gap208 asked:
“AITA for making things uncomfortable during my dad’s engagement dinner?”
The original poster (OP) explained:
“My dad is a serial cheater. He had at least 3 affair partners that we know of. But there are two others we think might have existed.”
“He cheated on my mom a lot during their marriage. It came to light after she was diagnosed with brain cancer 5 years ago.”
“Mom found out when she was already terminal.”
“My dad’s answer to this was to run away to his at the time affair partner’s house, leaving me (now 16, female—only 11 at the time) and my sister (15, female—only 10) to fend for ourselves and take care of our dying mom.”
“He then tried to get his way back in for my mom’s last few weeks and she somewhat gave in for our sakes, because she was worried we’d hate him if she didn’t. But then when the end came, he was again off with his affair partner.”
“I can promise you, my mom would not have wanted their relationship to continue if she knew he’d abandon us as she was literally dying and leave us to watch it happen all alone as two terrified 11 and 10-year-old children.”
“When mom was gone, we refused to live with dad and his affair partner. We told dad we were not going to let him act like nothing bad happened and there was no way we wanted his affair partner to be our new mom.”
“We ran away from home to get our way and CPS got involved and the court decided we should live with our maternal grandparents. They saw it as an unsafe environment that they knew we would constantly run away from.”
“We made it clear we wouldn’t stay with him and her and would keep running if we had to. We had the fact he abandoned us twice including when he knew mom was dying going for us too.”
“But our dad was given visitation rights by the courts, so we have to see him one Saturday and one Sunday a month.”
“But not overnight.”
“Dad and his last affair partner were on and off for a few years. We found out one of her kids was actually his and that kid is 6 now.”
“She has an 8-year-old as well from the guy she was married to at the time she had her 6-year-old with our dad. So there’s messy stuff on her side too.”
“She’s the type of woman who also cheats on her own husband and has another man’s child while they’re still married and doesn’t say anything to him until the chance for them—her and our dad—to be together—mom dying—comes.”
“Her ex-husband knows the 6-year-old isn’t his, but he didn’t always know. He shares custody of just the 8-year-old now, but not the 6-year-old. That was a fight between them for a while.”
“We don’t see or interact with her or her kids ever.”
“Dad and his affair partner are now engaged and they wanted an engagement party with family and friends and dad insisted we had to be part of that. It happened on Saturday.”
“Dad made us use the engagement dinner as our visitation with him, but we tried to fight against it. So we went, but we weren’t happy.”
“During the dinner, dad and his affair partner were talking about how excited they were to bring the family together. His affair partner was saying she was so excited to officially be our parent and to have us become closer because of it.”
“Their immediate families know the score, but not the extended family. Their friends mostly knew, I think.”
“They were saying how it was the most wonderful time and stuff. Then my sister and I started saying it wasn’t for us.”
“Then we sarcastically said how we couldn’t wait to be a family with dad’s affair partner that he was seeing all throughout our mom’s cancer. Who he chose to be with when his wife was dying.”
“Leaving his daughters all alone with their dying mom because he didn’t even call our grandparents to tell them it was her final few hours before taking off to be with his affair partner. We also brought up how he had fathered the 6-year-old during his marriage to mom.”
“This led to a lot of questions, surprise and anger—the latter of which was directed at us.”
People who didn’t know were asking a lot of questions and some fights broke out between members of the different families.
“My dad and his affair partner were furious we made the engagement dinner uncomfortable and asked us why we’d do that. My sister said we weren’t going to pretend we were happy for them or us.”
“I said they forced us to be there and we were clear we didn’t want to be. They said we behaved like spiteful children.”
“My dad expected we would be over it enough by now to become part of his new family. I think he thought we’d be so desperate to have our last remaining parent that everything would go back to relative normal.”
“Meaning we would live with him and engage with his affair partner and her/their kids.”
“And that we wouldn’t ever bring up the affairs or our mom dying while he left us to face it alone—since he didn’t even call our mom’s parents to tell them we were all alone as he was taking off.
“He really expected us to love him after that and to fall in love with all of them.”
“I really don’t want to be forced to attend their wedding—they schedule it on our mandatory visitation day—or take part in anything else like this. I hate seeing him already, but *ugh* seeing her and all the play pretend stuff annoyed me.”
“The judge insists that the visitation continues because we already see him so little and he doesn’t pose a physical threat—no history of physical abuse. Our grandparents tried to get the visitation removed a few months ago.”
“We spoke to the judge and everything. The best we can maybe get is to get it cut back to once a month, but that’s such a little difference that it feels like it would be worth it just sucking it up for another couple of years.”
“There’s no guarantee it would get cut back and it could cost our grandparents more money—legal fees—for no reason. I’ve only got about two years and my sister three years left to be forced to see him.”
“AITA?”
The OP summed up their situation.
“My sister and I made our dad’s engagement dinner uncomfortable by bringing up some truths they would prefer not to have on blast to everyone.”
“This might be sh*tty because, while we were forced to be there and don’t approve, we could have stayed quiet the whole time and shown how unhappy we were with that instead of putting them on blast.”
“That is spiteful, I guess, so I might be the a**hole for my part in it.”
Redditors weighed in by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You’re The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Redditors decided the OP was not the a**hole (NTA).
“NTA. ‘They said we behaved like spiteful children…’. You ARE children. You have very good reasons to be spiteful. What else did they expect?” ~ Excellent-Count4009
“As for you being an a-hole… naaaahhh, NTA. He ventured into literal f*ck around, find out (FAFO) territory, and it bit him. People should be careful what they ask for.” ~ Tailflap747
“As the saying goes, ‘If it can be destroyed by the truth, it deserves to be destroyed by the truth’. Your dad has some nerve asking everyone to lie and play happy family after the absolutely vile and disgusting sh*t he pulled.” ~ DrMcFacekick
“Your dad is a selfish, stupid man living in a fantasy world, his affair partner isn’t far behind. I hope you both felt better after speaking your mind. NTA.” ~ lovinglifeatmyage
“If I were OP or her sister, I would have been tempted to add to the affair partner ‘You better hope that you never become sick or disabled someday. Because your husband will be out the door and onto his next side-piece faster than you can blink’. NTA.” ~ Longjumping_Hat_2672
“NTA at all. He freaking deserved it! He knew y’all were uncomfortable with the relationship, and did everything he could to shove it in your face.”
“He might make you be at the wedding if it’s during visitation time, but he can’t force you to be a part of it. I would let him know that if you’re expected to be there, it will be you attending in funeral attire and sitting silently in a corner—black veil and everything.” ~ Reddit
“NTA—my mid-50’s self would have done the same thing, maybe stood up for a full toast/roast moment. If that makes me a spiteful child, I’ll wear that label like a badge of honour.”
“Deeply sorry about your Mom. It’s hard enough to lose a parent when you’re so young, but to have such an unwashed pinecone as your other parent is truly miserable.”
“Don’t take your foot off the gas. Let him know you’ll do the same any time he makes you visit to perform their happy family performances. If he insists on you being at the wedding, let him know you’ll have a full floor show planned.” ~ whatsmypassword73
Luckily, the OP is only looking at a few more years of forced contact with their father. Once they’re 18, they can tell dear old dad “bye-bye-bye.”